Healing
Within
Possible
Trigger
I am starting on the road to healing within. I have started talking about the abuse I suffered. I have talked to my girlfriend about it. She was very understanding about it and I felt very safe. It was the first time I really opened up about the abuse, and feel the feelings that I had then. The feeling of being afraid, but I knew that Nickie was there, which made me feel very safe. I had counselling for many years, but I don't think I was ready to face the past then. The counselling stopped 2 years ago. I think you have to be ready to talk about it for the counselling to help in any way (I could be wrong though). I am now at the stage where I still blame myself for the abuse but, I am slowly realising that I could not have stopped the abuse as I was only 6 years old. I still question myself whether when I was older I could have stopped him, but that is a question that will never be answered. One day I will be able to say I am not to blame for any of it. And possibly I may start to like my self. But untill that happens I will have to live one day at a time.
The abuse started when I was 6 years
old and it finished just before my 14 birthday.
The reason that it
stopped, was that I ran away to my dads. Whilst at my dad's he took
me drinking in pubs every night and I became more difficult to live with
and I ran away again. This time I was put in a children's home.
At that time I was drinking very heavily. Whilst at the home I
started smoking and abusing
solvents.
I am now a recovering alcoholic I am starting to get my life in some sort of order. I am not saying that it is easy because it is not. I have my bad days and even worse days. But then I have my goods days that makes it all worth while.
Another part of my healing was accepting my
sexuality. Some people still don't know, bit if they read this they
will. I have the most wonderful girlfriend in the world. But
I have become to accept myself as me and stopped pretending to be
something I am not. Basically I am me and no-one can change
me.But, there is prejudice. That is when I want to
hide. It can be hard trying to be yourself in a world that doesn't
accept you. It is even harder when it is your
family.