My Secret Shame

 
My secret shame is one that makes people run away with fright, as it is soo misunderstood.  "People hurting themselves cannot be normal" is what people say to me. But they do not know my terrible secret. When all alone at night when everything becomes to much, and the emotions become that powerful that I cannot control them. The terrible secret comes out.  I harm myself.  As well as harming myself. I turn to the worst friend going, alcohol. All alcohol does is numb the pain for a while. But the pain is still there when you sober up. Which means it is not a answer for peoples problems. I am now awaiting treatment for my many problems. But the medical profession, they see the symptom first. They should focus on the underlying problem, not the symptom.  The way I see it is, prevention is better than cure.
If only people would have listened to me when I was younger, and wasn't so quick to judge me. They couldn't see what was going on, I was showing difficult behaviour but it was never asked why. Which was very strange. I ask myself, "is it normal for a ten year old to be taking overdoses?". Nobody questioned it.
 
Now I am a person that thinks little of herself. Suffering with a mental illness, I am also ill in other ways but that can't be changed (no good in feeling sorry for myself). I go day to day trying to live the so called "normal" life. Pretending everything is ok, wishing that someone would understand my pain and my sorrow. But that is a wish that will never happen. People can be so cruel to others, maybe it is because they do not understand, I don't claim to have to the answers I just ask the questions.
 
My life is something else when I can pretend I am something else.
I am now a alcoholic and ready for detox, I have been told that I can get into detox. But I will have to wait. I have been given an appointment to see consultant about detox, which is in January 2001. I don't know when I will get into detox, but I hope it will be soon, as things need to improve. I have cut down on my drinking as I was told I would have to before I go into detox.
 
I am fighting hard not to cut, it is a very hard fight. I am going to have to find other ways of coping. Drinking will not be a option soon. Cutting is not a healthy way of coping. One day I will find a healthy way of coping.  But with the help of a very special person in my life, I think I can make it. I am trying to be positive although sometimes it is hard to see the bright side of everything. But sometimes trying to see the bright side of things can be very hard work, and difficult to do.

 

Don't muddy the waters till the angels say so, basically don't go looking into things till you feel strong enough to do so.

 Link to self-injury.net

Link to My Tears Are Real Private community (MSN) that deals with depression and self harm

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