That is I just couldn't bring myself to report the facts until now. My younger brother is losing his 3-1/2 year fight with colon cancer and it is all too evident now that his time is growing shorter. For so long he didn't even look like he had cancer, he was so healthy in every other way before they discovered it. We should have expected at least one of us to come down with it because cancer runs rampant in my dad's family of 13 kids and some 50+ grandchildren, mostly grown and in their 40's, 50's and 60's. But you're never prepared somehow. He sill moved the lawn last week, but they've called in hospice and they will be a great help I know. I don't know if I suffer more for my brother, 53 and certainly not eager to end this life so soon, or for my sister-in-law who's been a stay-at home wife for 30 years--the way Greg wanted it--and is totally unprepared to lose her life mate and closest friend only to have to learn to support herself and their son when she has severe back problem and NOW can't work. I am not bitter about my brother's illness. As he has said, "time and chance happen to us all; and the rain falls on the bad and the good." I feel sure he is right with God and I'm not worried about what will happen to him after death. My fear is a selfish one..what will happen to us without him to count on. I've always counted my siblings as my strength, especially after we lost Dad and then ten years later lost Mom, but with the only son gone from our sight, we will never be whole again...we'll be splintered. I dread the years ahead without him, but I know that I must turn to God always and even if things go wrong, have faith that He will bring me through it. I owe my faith to my brother and sister-in-law and they have been VERY patient with me, as has Our Lord. This time I will try fervently not to let them down.

Meanwhile, if I don't post here often, it's just that times lately have been tough...my best friend had a heart attack and I was at the hospital a few days. Luckily, she has pulled through and is struggling to conquer her smoking and new dietary concerns. I'm sure she will prevail at the end. My one niece continues to make all the wrong decisions, but she IS finally seeing a therapist who will be able to guide her, I hope. She managed to be too busy to get her mother a birthday gift or a Mother's Day gift...not even a card, even though i reminded her and she said she was going that day. *sigh* I love her very much, but I don't like her right now. She's steeped in selfishness and entitlement. I realize everyone goes through some of that in their teens, but she has no regard at all for her mother's feelings or, indeed, anyone else's that I can tell. Mother's Day and her mother's 50th birthday came and went with not even a card from her, even though I called to remind her. When I asked her briefly on on Mother's Day (we had a party at my other sister's house), she said she was too busy to get to it. Give me a break. Yes, she's probably bipolar, but I am bipolar and was undiagnosed until I was 45. I still managed to think about other people from time to time, especially my mother. I fear she will have to find out for herself that without empathy she can't expect much empathy from others after a time, I only hope the lesson won't come at a great cost or worse, that like her father she will never recognize other people's worth.

So you can see I'm a little depressed. Working on it, though. Just don't feel like posting often right now. It's all I can stand to update the avatar and photos occasionally. Don't give up on me, though!