| OK! So how many suicide notes have you read before? My bet is not many. Well for your information, I haven't written very many either. As a matter of fact, this is my first one and you can bet it'll be the last and the truth of the matter is I started not to write this one. After I thought about it a little while I decided this was a way I could surely have the last word at least once in my life.
I guess the first order of business would be to explain why I'm doing this. I guess that also explains why most people don't leave notes. The reasons are more than what you might call plentiful. When you get to this point, it seems like there are so many reasons to justify your actions you're overwhelmed by them all. Then when you mix those reasons with a head stewing in despair it clouds them even more. Sitting here with a loaded gun in my hand, I decided I would have to come up with at least one reason for every bullet in the gun. Since it only holds six, that didn't seem like it was going to be hard and as a matter of fact, it wasn't hard at all. I went around the cylinder about four times before I remembered I was supposed to stop at six. Then I decided to write this note and now that I'm writing, I'm finding it almost impossible to write down what those reasons are. It's much easier to say them to myself than to someone else. I'll see if I can't at least hit a few of the high points. For starters, guilt is on the list. There are things both specific and general to feel guilty about. The fact that I am not at the station in life at which I thought I would be by now speaks volumes. I always seemed to know what the best plan was but those plans never seemed to pan out. Now, at this late date, I see all kinds of paths I should have taken. Then again, I was pretty sure about the roads I took at the time as well. Who's to say the roads I see now as those I should have taken would have been any different? At any rate, guilt is there and I acknowledge that. Is self loathing a part of guilt? I'm sure it's related but somehow it feels different. I can remember a time when I liked the man I looked at in the mirror in the mornings. Now I do my best to shave by feel rather than by sight. The point is I can think of more reasons than bullets not to like the man I see there now. Some are physical. Some are mental. Some are emotional and I think those are the worst. Oh the Hell with this!!! The truth of the matter is I'm tired. I'm simply tired enough I just don't want to continue the journey. I'm tired of hurting and being hurt. I'm tired of trying and failing. I'm tired of loving to no avail. I'm tired of chasing goals that move faster than I do. I'm tired of never having expectations met. I'm just tired. I don't want to play the game any more. I don't want to hurt anyone who might love me but you all must understand it hurts too much to be here anymore so for God's sake let me go. I don't even want to say goodbye because you will all believe I am leaving you selfishly so therefore a goodbye is worthless. I can only say this. It's not selfish. It's just tired. CLICK HERE |
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