I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all
yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How
about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can
spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your
frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly?
It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos
instead.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a
bottle of scotch.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making
toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by
drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses
while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm
skipping your house.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE
PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't
work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our house?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your
butt whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live
in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just
like all the
burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Santa
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the
tequila again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one
level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one
cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar.
Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is
still OK. Try another cup... just in case. Turn off the mixerer
thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried
fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the
fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just p! ry it loose with a
drewscriver. Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity. Next,
sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift
the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of
sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the
cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat
off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.
"I know if you've been bad or good - so let's skip the small talk,
sister!"
"Hey babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?"
"Interested in seeing the 'North Pole'?"
"Forget the "nice" list - I've got you on my 'nice AND naughty'
list!"
"How'd you like to shake like a bowl full of jelly?"
"I've got something you can hang a wreath on!"
"I see you when you're sleeping - and you don't wear any underwear,
do you?"
"Wanna play some reindeer games?"
"That IS a candy cane in my pocket, and I AM glad to see you."
"Uh, yeah, that's right. I'm Kenny Rogers."
"One hour with me, honey, and you'll see flyin' reindeer!"
"I've got something special in the sack just for you!"