Notes: Another response to a two characters, a line, and a song challenge. Title belongs to Gary Jules.
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She had been away too long.
The city had changed in these years, in small ways, subtle ways that were probably not even noticeable to the people who came and went around them every day. But they were jarring to her, unexpected scars upon the fabric of her memories. Everywhere she looked, it seemed, there was something that did not belong, and it shook her.
She no longer belonged here.
She began to wonder if she ever had.
She had come to this city hanging on the coattails of an unexpectedly victorious campaign, and had made her living in the shadow of one of the most powerful men in the country. Then, when she was finally given the chance to get out on her own, to make a career for herself, it all fell apart around her. Maybe she shouldn�t have walked away. Maybe she should have taken the second chance when it was offered to her. But she couldn�t go back to him. Not after leaving him, after finally being on her own for the first time in nine years. She needed to not need him anymore.
So she had left. She had turned her back on this city, this business, this existence, and she hadn�t looked back once.
But now she was back, drawn against her will by a conference to the city she had left behind so many years ago, and she realized now, sitting in this seedy little bar that held so many memories, that she never had belonged here.
She sipped her drink slowly, peering around the dingy little pub at the tables full of unfamiliar faces. There was a time when she knew everyone who came here, and they knew her. But times and administrations had changed, and the room was full of new Washington players now, people she didn�t know, and didn�t particularly care to know. She was done with this life. Or, perhaps more accurately, it was done with her.
Sighing, she turned back to the bar, pretending to watch the game on the TVs overhead. A man pulled up the stool beside her and ordered a drink. She didn�t turn to look at him, but out of the corner of her eye, she could see him looking at her. She stifled the urge to roll her eyes, and continued to pointedly ignore him, but when he gave a soft �hi� in her direction, she realized she was going to have to talk to him.
She turned, frowning, and was met with serious dark eyes, and graying balding hair, and a rumpled suit, all of which were hauntingly familiar. She blinked a couple of times, then choked out, �Toby?�
A small smile appeared on his face. �I thought it was you,� he said, �but I wasn�t sure.� He paused to look at her intently for a moment, then added, �You�ve changed.�
She felt an answering smile tug at the corners of her mouth. �You haven�t.� It was true. He could just as well have stepped out of the frame of a photograph from the Bartlet administration. �You still working here?� she asked, and felt a twinge of regret that she didn�t know. She had sworn to herself when she left that she would keep in touch with the people she was leaving behind, but as promises like that so often do, it withered and died over the years, and she couldn�t remember the last time she had talked to one of them.
He nodded. �Writing another book.�
She brightened at that. �I read your first one,� she told him. �It was excellent, of course.�
�Of course?� He smirked a little.
She shrugged. �Well would you expect anything different? You�re a brilliant writer, Toby.� He shifted a little, and mumbled his thanks, and she knew him well enough to tell that she had embarrassed him. She tactfully decided to change the subject. �So do you keep in touch with anyone? I haven�t talked to them in�� she shrugged. �Forever, it seems like."
�Well,� he said carefully, �CJ�s back in California, working for the governor. Will�s on the new President�s speechwriting staff. The President and Mrs. Bartlet are still enjoying their retirement up in Nashua, and Leo�s living up there too, not far from them, with Margaret��
Donna blinked. �Margaret?�
He smiled. �They never married, but they�re happy that way. Fight all the time, of course.�
She shook her head. �Who would have thought?�
�Charlie and Zoey got married, you knew that, right?� At her nod, he continued. �He�s a lawyer in New York now. They�ve got a couple of kids.�
He stopped talking then, and the name hung in the air between them, unspoken. She wouldn�t ask, and he wouldn�t tell her without being asked, and so they were at a stalemate.
�So what brings you back?� he asked instead.
She waved her hand carelessly. �Conference. I didn�t want to come. I�m thinking it might have been a mistake. But I�m here now, so�� she trailed off with a shrug. Silence fell between them, and she wondered when this had become so complicated.
�Why did you leave?� he asked, and she didn�t answer right away. She took a drink slowly, and stared at the neon signs above the bar for a moment, debating. He deserved more than the flip answer she wanted to give. She had never given anyone an explanation, not really, and she didn�t want to now. But there was such confusion in his eyes, and a need for clarification, and she couldn�t just brush off his question like she had brushed off everything else in her life.
�We lost.� That was the simple answer, and she knew it wasn�t what he was looking for, so she continued. �I joined the Russell campaign to become something more than just an assistant. I needed an opportunity to actually do something, and Will gave me that chance. And then we lost, and I was left with the decision to quit or to go back, and I couldn�t go back. Not after I had finally gotten out from under that shadow, I just couldn�t do it.� She didn�t say his name, she didn�t mention him, but he was there, as solid a presence as if he had been standing between them, and it was Toby who finally broke through that barrier.
�He didn�t understand, you know,� he said. �He thought you were leaving him.�
�I was!� she burst out, then shook her head. �No. I wasn�t. I was just�I didn�t want to leave. I had to. It was�it had been nine years, Toby. Nine years of being nothing but Josh Lyman�s assistant. And then all of a sudden I was making a career of my own, and that was taken away from me in the space of a single night. What was I supposed to do? Go running back to him with my tail between my legs? I wasn�t about to do that.
�I thought about it, you know, for a few days. He asked me and Will, the night after the convention, to come over and join the campaign, and I wanted to, I wanted to so bad, and we both agreed to come plan with them for the weekend, and then make our decisions. But we would get in these meetings, and these planning sessions, and he was always there, always watching. And we would have dinner with the staff at night, and he would sit with me, and we would laugh, and things started to revert back to the way they had been. I didn�t want things to go back, though. I was sick and tired of spending my life in reverse. But there we were, and we were us again, in this way that we hadn�t been since�well hell, since practically the beginning of the second term. And maintaining sanity just became that much harder. So at the end of the weekend, I told him I couldn�t join the campaign�and I left.
�I left him that letter, and I said in it for him to call so we could talk. And I figured he�d call, or he�d find me or something, and then I could explain. But he never did. And I don�t get it. He didn�t hate Sam, when he left. And I�m willing to bet he didn�t hate you when you went to New York, or CJ when she went to California. I just don�t know why the fact that I left had to mean that we�d never talk again.�
�Well, he wasn�t in love with Sam, or me, or CJ,� he said quietly.
She shook her head and sighed. �He wasn�t in love with me either.� Toby started to say something, but she cut him off. �No, he really wasn�t, Toby. He just�he needed me, that�s all. He was never in love with me. And I don�t even know if I was in love with him. I thought I was, once. But�I don�t know. I don�t think I even know what love is anymore.�
�I do. And you had it. Maybe you couldn�t recognize it at the time, but it was there. And things change, and I�m sure you think you�ve gotten over it, but trust me. If he walked through that door right now, your heart would jump into your throat, and you�d forget to breathe for a while. That�s what love is. It�s knowing that no matter how many times that person walks into a room, each time is just as breathtaking as the last, and no matter how many mornings you wake up to find them in your arms, it�s never going to get old, and no matter if they live completely across the country, you will find ways to get around it.�
A smile broke across her face finally, and she turned to him with an evil little twinkle in her eye. �So, Toby�how is CJ?�
She was pretty sure she had never seen the man blush before, but blush he did. �Noneofyourbusiness,� he mumbled, and took a sip of his drink. He glanced at his watch and set the glass back down on the bar. �I actually have to go�I have�a thing. But it was good seeing you.�
�Trying to escape me now that I know your little secret?� she teased.
�No, really, I have��
�A thing. You said.� She smiled and stood up to give him a hug. �It was great to see you too. Good luck with the book. And�say hi to her for me.�
He smiled a little, and gave a tiny nod at that. As he turned towards the door, she called his name, then paused, realizing that she didn�t have the words for what she wanted to say. �Thanks,� she said instead, and he nodded, seeming to understand, and then he left.
Maybe she never had belonged here at all�but she was beginning to think that it might have been the only place that she ever had belonged.
It wasn�t about going backwards, she decided. It wasn�t living life in reverse. It was just coming full circle. When the two ends of your life meet up at exactly the same point, maybe that point is where you�re really meant to be.
She stood, gathered her things, and left her money on the bar.
Maybe, after all these years, it was time for an explanation.