Notes: Most of the people here belong to Aaron Sorkin, although he probably wouldn�t recognize them in their current trappings. The surroundings and songs belong to L. Frank Baum, Yip Harburg, and the folks at MGM. And those X-philes out there may notice a tiny homage to Chris Carter at one point or another. This is an idea that�s been rolling around in my head since I read Wicked�thanks to Pamala�s fantabulous challenge to write a badfic, it�s finally found an outlet in this truly horrendous tale.
_____________________
It was Saturday night, and Donna was home before ten.
This was cause for celebration.
Unfortunately, in her house, celebration never lasted very long.
Riiiiing!
Glancing at the caller ID, she shook her head. �Oh, no,� she told the phone. �No, no, no. I don�t care what kind of emergency has befallen the country. The country will just have to do without me for one night.� She set it back on the table and resolutely ignored the ringing.
The machine beeped, and Josh�s voice filtered into the apartment. �I�m sorry, Donna, I hate to do this, but Leo�s meeting got bumped up to tomorrow morning and he�s going to need the China report done tonight. You know I can�t do it by myself.� There was a long pause. �I know you�re there, Donna. You told me you were going to go home and get into pjs and watch TV, so I know you�re not out.� Another pause. �Donnnnaaaaa!�
The whine. She couldn�t stand the whine. She grabbed the phone off the table and punched the button with much more force than was necessary. �Do not whine at me, Joshua. If I remember correctly, it was you who said, �go home, Donna, I don�t want you driving in the middle of a hurricane tonight.� Remember that? Well look outside, Josh. See that? It�s a hurricane. And I�m not driving in it.� She hung up.
Immediately, the phone rang again. She let it go to the machine. �China doesn�t care,� he told her. �And neither does Leo. He�s going to have my ass if this report isn�t on his desk before he leaves tonight, and on the scale of things I care about, my ass ranks significantly higher than you getting a little wet.�
Beep. �A little wet? Have you looked out that window of yours lately? Gale force winds, Josh. Trees are being ripped up. Telephone poles are falling over. You�ll be lucky if you even have power there that much longer.�
�We have generators, Donna. Look, please, just get a cab, come down here, I�ll have Chinese food waiting for us, and I�ll drive you home when we�re done. It shouldn�t take more than an hour or two.�
She frowned. �You think you can bribe me with food? I�m not Ainsley, you know. And anyhow, I have a pint of Uncanny Cashew in front of me. You can�t beat that.�
�Donna, look, I�� he broke off suddenly. �What is that in the background?�
She glanced at the TV and blushed. �Munchkins, Josh. You can�t tell me you�ve never seen The Wizard of Oz.�
�I�m sitting here begging you to come in and help with a report for the Chief of Staff to the President of the United States, and you�re telling me you can�t because you�re watching the Lollipop Guild?�
She considered for a moment. �Yup. That�s what I�m telling you.�
�Coffee.�
She blinked. �Coffee?�
�Yes. Coffee. Apparently it�s the only thing that we can reach deals over. Haven�t you ever noticed that? It�s�you know�a thing.�
�A thing.�
�Yes, Donna, a thing. We get in an argument. The only way to solve it is for one of us to agree to bring the other coffee. So�if you come in tonight, I�ll bring you coffee for a week.�
�A year.�
�A month.�
�Deal.�
She paused. �You know, I don�t really remember that being a thing.�
�You don�t?�
�Nope. There was that one time, when you almost got fired�but other than that�I don�t think coffee�s really a thing with us, Josh.�
�Hm. Cause I thought��
�Nope.�
�Mkay��
�I�ll see you in a half an hour.�
She hung up and sighed. For about three seconds she debated just showing up in her pajamas because she was far too lazy to change, but she did work in the White House after all, and there was always the chance that Josh wouldn�t be the only person she ran into while she was there. So she went to her closet, threw on the closest thing to a halfway decent outfit, and moped her way to the door. This wasn�t how she was supposed to be spending her Saturday night.
The door pushed back in on her as she tried to exit, and for a moment the brief idea of calling Josh back and telling him to take a flying leap crossed her mind. But she was well trained in her role as Dutiful Assistant, so with the thought of a month of triple mocha lattes ahead of her, she made her way out into the dark and stormy night.
The clouds were swirling ominously overhead, and she swore that she could hear wolves howling somewhere in the distance. Or maybe it was just drunken college students. Either way. The rain pounded down on her, and within seconds her hair was clinging limply to her face and her jacket was soaked through to her clothes. A flash of lightning streaked across the sky, casting eerie shadows across the deserted road.
�That�s it, Joshua,� she muttered under her breath as she stumbled down the street towards her car and wrenched open the driver side door. �Coffee or no coffee, when I get to that office, I am going to shove that China report so far up your��
Thud.
She didn�t see the branch split off from its tree, didn�t hear the crack as it snapped under the cover of a clap of thunder, she just felt something connect with the back of her skull, and then she was falling
falling
falling
into nothing.
**************
She blinked groggily in the sudden sunlight and reached up a hand to push back her hair from her eyes. There was a piercing shriek coming from somewhere, and for a moment she thought it was her alarm, but the thing under her head was too hard to be her pillow, and her alarm always went off before it was light out. She lifted her head a little, and the pounding noise finally stopped. Sighing, she went to lay her head back down, but it started up again, even more obnoxious than before.
She lifted her head experimentally again, and discovered that the reason her pillow was so uncomfortable was that there was a large and bumpy Toyota logo pressing into her cheek. The noise stopped again, and her sluggish brain finally registered the fact that she had fallen asleep against the wheel. Strange. She must have gotten home pretty damn late from the office last night to have been so exhausted that she crapped out in her car.
That thought made her gasp and jerk upright in a hurry. She must be late for work. She had to go inside and get changed and take a shower and get to the office or Josh was going to�
Then her train of thought jumped abruptly off its track as she looked around and discovered that she wasn�t on her street at all, wasn�t anywhere she recognized. It looked almost like a strange park, or like Disney World, or like�
�No way. No fucking way.�
She shoved open her car door and staggered out, still blinking in the harsh sunlight. She was surrounded by funny little houses, and strange little shrubberies, and a swirling pathway paved out of very distinctive bricks. She shook her head in disbelief and decided that Josh had finally driven her out of her mind.
Resting her head wearily on the top of the car, she muttered under her breath, �Toyota, I have a feeling we�re not in Washington anymore.�
Glancing up, she was somehow not surprised at all to see a large pink bubble drifting lazily towards her. As the bubble neared her, she could just make out the figure of a woman inside it. It landed in front of her with a large *pop* and the woman stumbled a little as it dissolved around her.
�I swear to God,� the woman muttered. �There has got to be a better way to do that. Look at me. I come all the way down here from the North, and all I get to show for it is a designer dress ruined by soap suds. That prissy hack in the West gets a broomstick, lucky bitch. Sure, she gets a little singed from time to time, but�� She trailed off, seeming to notice that she had company, and peered intently at Donna. �So,� she continued conversationally. �Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?�
Donna blinked. �I�m not a witch at all. I�m Donna Moss, from Washington. I work at the White House�assistant to the Deputy Chief of Staff. Actually, that kind of makes me the Deputy Deputy Chief of Staff.� She giggled a little until she noticed the woman looking at her with a slightly raised eyebrow, and then trailed off sheepishly.
�Well. Ok then.� The woman seemed to decide to move on. �See, the thing is, the Senators called me because a new witch has just dropped some kind of contraption on the Wicked Witch of the East, and there�s the contraption, and here you are, and that�s all that�s left of the Wicked Witch of the East.� She waved a hand at the back end of the car, where Donna could see a pair of ridiculously ugly stockings ending in shiny red shoes.
�And so,� the woman continued. �The Senators just want to know if you�re a good witch or a bad witch.�
�Look, I�m not a witch,� Donna protested. �Witches are old and ugly and, you know�fake. Unless they�re like the ones in Harry Potter�� but she trailed off as she heard something that sounded a little like the chuckling of a hundred asthmatic old men. �What was that?�
�Oh, that�s just the Senators,� the woman replied, waving a hand dismissively. �They�re laughing because I�m a witch. Claudia, Witch of the North. And also because they�re pretty happy that you dropped this contraption here on Ainsley, the Wicked Witch of the East. Word has it that she was trying to push some nasty bit of Republican legislation that none of them were very happy about�so you did them a hell of a favor. It�s all right, boys, you can all come out and thank her.�
White heads began to pop out from windows and behind potted plants while a loud chorus boomed out around her.
Ding dong, the witch is dead
Which old witch?
The Wicked Witch
Ding dong, the wicked witch is dead�
Donna was led up onto a carriage and paraded around the square while the old men all sang their appreciation of her fabulous car-dropping techniques. They stopped at the steps of City Hall, and three younger men with slicked back hair and smarmy suits sidled up to her, singing,
We represent the Bribery Guild
The Bribery Guild, the Bribery Guild
And in the name of the Bribery Guild
We wish to welcome you to Senateland
They casually stuffed wads of cash into her hands and pockets as they sauntered off. She was still blinking after them in befuddlement when a flash of light and flame erupted a few feet away, and a scowling green woman in a long black cape and pointy hat emerged from the smoke.
Donna cringed. �I thought you said she was dead,� she whispered out of the corner of her mouth.
�Oh, yeah, that was her sister Ainsley,� Claudia answered easily. �This is Amy, Wicked Witch of the West. She�s much worse. I�ve heard some stories about her feet that would shock you right back into your own dimension.�
�Who killed my sister?� The voice seemed to be coming from the direction of the Witch, but Donna couldn�t be quite sure if it was actually coming from her mouth, because her lips didn�t seem to move all that much. �Was it�you?� she demanded, pointing her ragged broom at Donna.
�Look, I didn�t mean to kill anyone,� she began, but Claudia cut her off.
�Aren�t you forgetting something?� she asked Amy.
A predatory gleam appeared in the Witch�s eye. �Ah yes. The shoes�� she moved towards the body to snatch the red slippers away, but Claudia waved her wand and they appeared suddenly on Donna�s feet.
Amy turned on her. �They�re mine, I tell you, mine! Give them back to me! Give them back! They�re mine, mine, mine mine mineminemineminemine!� By the end of this, she was hopping up and down in vicious fury, but in a split second the anger dissolved and she tipped her head at Donna cutely. �Please?�
Donna raised an eyebrow. �Um, no?�
�Do us all a favor and poof yourself out of here,� Claudia said in a bored voice. �Before someone drops a contraption on you too.�
�Fine!� Amy raged. �But I�ll get you, my pretty, and your little car too!�
She disappeared in a cloud of smoke.
�Lobbyists,� Claudia remarked dismissively. �Well, look, Amy�s not a real fun person to have on your bad side, so I�d say the sooner you get out of Oz, the better.�
�I never thought I�d say it, but I�d give anything to get back to Washington,� Donna lamented. �But how do I get there? I don�t think my car will run anymore��
�No, I�d expect not,� Claudia agreed. �And I don�t think you�ll be finding too many mechanics in these parts either. But there is someone who may be able to help you.�
�Who?� asked Donna eagerly.
�Well, the Prez of Oz, of course!� she replied, as if it was the most obvious answer in the world. �He�s easy enough to find. It�s the big white house, right in the middle of the Emerald City. Just follow the yellow brick road.�
Behind her the Senators all started to chant, until it built into a full blown song.
Follow the yellow brick road
Follow the yellow brick road
Follow follow follow follow
Follow the yellow brick road
Follow the yellow brick road
Follow the yellow brick
Follow the yellow brick
Follow the yellow brick road
You�re off to see the Prez
The Wonderful Prez of Oz
You�ll find he is a Pez of a Prez
If ever a Prez there was
If ever oh ever a Prez there was
The Prez of Oz is one because
Because because because because because
Because of the wonderful things he does
You�re off to see the Prez
The wonderful Prez of Oz
______________
Donna wandered down the road, wondering how things could have possibly gotten so screwed up. Just last night, she was sitting at home, wrapped up in comfy pjs on her couch, with nothing better to do than sack out and watch movies. And now here she was, tired and sore and walking down a road the color of mustard with no hope of getting home again but the mysterious Prez of Oz.
She came to a fork in the road and stopped abruptly. �Great,� she sighed to herself. �Just great. Now if only Sam were here, he�d probably try to point me in the right direction by using the clouds or something.�
�Excuse me,� a voice said conversationally, �but that way is pretty nice.� She whirled around, but saw only a scarecrow in the cornfield beside her, pointing off to his right. Since she had already determined that she�d gone off the deep end, she chalked it all up to hearing voices and turned back around. �The other way�s all right, too,� the voice said again, and this time she knew it was a voice that she recognized, she just couldn�t think why. ��Course, some people like to go both ways,� he continued, and this time she saw the scarecrow move his arms to point in both directions.
�Ok, Donna,� she said to herself. �That scarecrow is talking to you. You are officially a head case.� Once she had established that fact, it was only a small leap to decide to start talking back to it, so she went over and peered up at it.
�You don�t know where I should go at all, do you?� she demanded.
�Nope,� he replied, giving her a dimpled grin. �It�s just fun to screw with you. Also, there�s the added complication that my brain got far too large to fit in this straw head anymore, so they just had to take it out altogether.�
�Well then how can you talk if you don�t have a brain?� she asked.
He shrugged. �I�ve learned that questioning these things will usually do you no good.�
She frowned at him. �It got too big for your head?� she repeated, just registering that.
�Yup. It�s true. I�m telling you, you should have seen my OzAT scores�� He shifted uncomfortably. �Look, you think you could do me a favor?�
She raised her eyebrows a little. �Why would I want to do that?�
He frowned in labored thought. �I�ll come along with you wherever you�re going and make you coffee every morning on the road.�
That didn�t even require a pause to consider. �Deal,� she agreed automatically.
�Just give that nail back there a good whack, would you? If you bend it enough, I think I can get off this�ugh!� He landed in a crumpled heap on the ground. �Thanks,� he muttered weakly.
�Look, I�m heading in to the Emerald City to see if the Prez of Oz can send me back home to Washington,� she told him as she helped him to his feet and he leaned limply on her shoulders. �Since you�re already coming along as my own personal Starbucks, maybe we can see if he can get you a brain while we�re there.�
�Sounds good to me,� he agreed, and they set off down the road. She knew that her mind must be completely out of commission when it didn�t even seem weird to her that the two of them broke into song as they stumbled along.
We�re off to see the Prez
The wonderful Prez of Oz�
______________
�You know the coffee thing?� the scarecrow asked a ways down the road as he stopped to idly tug an apple out of a tree.
�Hm?� she replied, wandering a little ways into the woods to cool down in the shade of the other trees.
�Well it might be a little bit of a problem,� he continued. �Since I have no, you know, coffee beans, or filters, or teapots, or in fact any knowledge of how to even make coffee.�
�Well then, what the hell was the point of even bringing�� she trailed off, peering around a tree. ��the hell?� she muttered. �Hey! Hey, come look at this,� she called. She heard him crunching through the leaves behind her. �Check it out. It�s a guy made out of tin. How cool is that?� She knocked on its chest. �I wonder what it�s here for. It almost looks like it was in the middle of��
�Oooyka,� the tin man squeaked. Donna squealed a little and lurched back into the scarecrow, sending them both tumbling into the leaves. They lay there for a second, staring wide eyed at the metal figure.
�He just said something,� Donna hissed.
�Ooooilkaaaaah!� it repeated, louder this time.
�Oil can,� the scarecrow mumbled, and Donna turned a little to look at him.
�You could understand him?� she asked, a little incredulously.
�What?� asked the scarecrow vacantly. �No�I was just�� he shifted a little, and she slid off of him. Reaching under his back, he pulled out a crumpled oil can. �I was just saying I landed on an oil can. Ow.� He looked up at her pathetically, but she just took the can impatiently from his hand and stood up.
�What do you want me to oil first?� she asked, peering at the tin man�s face and discovering that he had the most fantastic pair of blue eyes she had ever seen.
�Mummmuff,� he replied urgently, and she decided that he probably meant his mouth, so she went to work greasing his jaw while the scarecrow fumbled around gathering up the bits of himself that had tumbled out in their fall. The tin man�s jaw finally came unhinged and he worked it up and down, then split into a huge grin.
�Wow am I glad to see you guys. You�re the first people who have come by here in days! I was starting to think that I was going to be stuck like that forever. I mean, there are worse positions to be stuck in, but not many that I can think of�come on, then, keep going,� he urged her.
�Yeah, uh, just out of curiosity, what exactly were you doing, �cause�� the scarecrow began, but he tin man cut him off.
�No, look, it isn�t what you think, ok?� he continued as Donna squirted his arms with the oil can. �See, there was this girl.�
�Ah, that�s how it always starts,� the scarecrow said knowingly, and Donna shot him a skeptical glance. �What, you don�t think I know anything about women?� he demanded. �I know plenty about them. I know everything about them. I mean, you know, I did, before they took my brain.� He lapsed into a sulky silence.
�Anyway,� she prodded. �There was this girl�?�
�Yeah. And she was great, you know�beautiful, with this great dark hair, and these big eyes, and these big�anyways, I brought her back here to my hut, and we were just about to�but things got a little�wet.� Donna�s eyes widened. �No no no,� he added, wiggling his newly freed arms at her. �I don�t mean�look, she was a water nymph, ok? But how the hell was I supposed to know that? I mean, it�s not like when we met she was like, �hey there, tall dark and clangy. I�m a water nymph. Want to go screw?� So anyways, you know how water nymphs are. So I rusted. And here I am.� He sighed dramatically. �It�s not like she really meant anything to me though. I mean, it�s not like it even hurt at all when she left me standing here all by myself in the woods. How could it? It�s not like they made me with a heart or anything.�
�No heart?� Donna repeated, feeling a twinge of sympathy for him.
�No heart,� he agreed, thumping on his chest. �Hear that? Hollow.�
�Pshh, no heart,� scoffed the scarecrow. �You think you�ve got it bad, try going around without a brain.�
�Yeah, or try going around with a scarecrow without a brain,� sighed Donna under her breath. �Look,� she continued, brightening, �we�re heading to the Emerald City to try to get the Prez of Oz to help me go home, and maybe give Raggedy Andy over here something at least halfway approaching some intelligence. Maybe he can give you a heart too.�
The tin man grinned. �Sounds great!� He took Donna�s arm and started skipping down the road with her, but not before she heard the scarecrow mutter behind her, �you know, if that guy hadn�t been caught with a water nymph, I might think��
______________
�Did you hear that?�
�Hear what?�
�Sssh, that.�
�Still not hearing anything.�
�Well then clean some of the damn straw out of your ears. There�s definitely something up there. I don�t like it in here!�
�That�s �cause you�re just a tin-ass pansy.�
�Well that�s better than being��
�Stop whining, both of you!� Donna exploded and stalked on ahead of the two bickering men.
�D�you think there�s any wild animals in here?� the tin man asked her warily, unaffected by her annoyance.
�Bet there�s lions,� the scarecrow answered for her.
�And tigers?� the tin man asked.
��and bears, oh my!� Donna mimicked sarcastically, then screamed as something brown and scruffy emerged from the bushes ahead of her.
�Hah! Put �em up, put �em up!� the lion yelled. �Who first? I�ll fight you all at once, one paw tied behind my back! I�ll fight you on one foot! With my eyes closed!� He snarled at the tin man. �Got an ax there, huh? Think I won�t have that ax out of your hands in three seconds flat? Want to try it, Scrapheap?�
�Do something,� the scarecrow whispered out of the corner of his mouth.
�Me?� the tin man squeaked. �Why not you?�
�Who�s the brains in this outfit?� the scarecrow demanded.
�Well, all things considered, I�d say Donna,� he replied carefully.
�Oh for godssake,� she declared, rolling her eyes. She walked up to the lion and slapped him soundly across the face. Her fingers tangled in his mane and it came off with a tremendous rrrrrip!, leaving him standing there looking suddenly sheepish with his paws reaching up to cover his bald head.
�Well what�d you go and do that for?� he sulked, snatching the mane back from her and trying to rearrange it on his head while the tin man and scarecrow dissolved into laughter.
�I, uh�I didn�t mean to,� Donna choked out through her giggles, gasping for air and hanging on to the scarecrow to keep her up.
�It�s not funny,� he grumped. �One of those horrible witches blew through here a few weeks ago, started tossing fireballs around in my forest. Thought I�d give her a piece of my mind. But I�ve never been big on the courage thing, truth be told. I kinda wimped out at the last minute, and she got me with one of those flaming things. Right on the mane, burned the whole damn thing clean off.�
�Well, why don�t you come along with us to the Emerald City. Maybe the Prez can fix you up with a real mane. And who knows, maybe some courage to go along with it,� Donna suggested, figuring that another misfit wouldn�t hurt their little ragtag walking troupe at all. Anyway, maybe just the sight of him would scare off some of the other creepy crawlies that she swore she could hear skittering through the woods around them. Assuming he kept the fake mane on, of course.
After a little grumbling and complaining, the lion gave a halfhearted �what the hell,� and they continued on to the edge of the forest, and they finally got their first glimpse of the Emerald City, home of the Prez of Oz.
This time, Donna was proud that they were all able to refrain from breaking into song. She could have been wrong, but she was pretty sure it was the lion�s influence.
______________
DING DONG
�Who rang that bell?� demanded a gruff voice from inside the gate.
�I did!� Donna called up to a window that was hanging open above them. A white head poked out of it, and an unhappy looking man with a wrinkled face frowned down at them.
�So I take it you can�t read.�
Donna frowned. �Read what?�
�The notice,� he replied flatly.
�What notice?� asked the scarecrow.
�The one on the door, plain as the nose on my�oh. One moment.� He disappeared again, then reappeared to hang a hastily lettered sign out the window, and then slammed it behind him.
��Bell out of order. Please knock.� Oh for godssakes.� Donna rolled her eyes, then rapped sharply on the door.
�That�s more like it,� the man said, breaking into a facesplitting grin as he reopened the window. �Now how can I help you?�
�We�re here to see the Prez,� they informed him in unison while Donna wondered how things like that actually happened in real life.
�Can�t do that,� he told them, losing the smile in a hurry.
�Well why on earth not?� demanded the tin man.
�Nobody sees the Great Prez,� he told them. �Nobody�s ever seen him. I�ve been his greatest friend for years, and even I�ve never seen him. Explain that one.�
�But we have to see him,� the scarecrow whined.
�Oh, well then, that changes things.�
�Really?� asked the tin man eagerly.
�No.�
�Look, I have to see him,� Donna tried again. �I was sent by the Good Witch of the North.�
�Hm. Prove it,� he said.
�She�s wearing the ruby slippers she gave her!� the scarecrow burst out.
The grin returned. �Well! Why didn�t you say so in the first place? That�s a horse of a different color! Come in, come in!�
The gate swung open and they were all swept up onto a carriage. Donna tried not to realize that she had lost her mind when the horse pulling the carriage suddenly turned a brilliant shade of purple.
______________
�And let me just ask again, because I�m not quite clear on this point. Who exactly was the one who got us through those doors?�
�You were,� the tin man muttered for the tenth time in a row.
�That�s right,� the scarecrow agreed. �So. Who da man?�
�Donna?�
�No, I�m sorry, that�s incorr��
�No, look, up in the sky,� the tin man interrupted. �It�s the witch! And she�s writing Surrender Donna in smoke!�
�Well now. That�s interesting,� the lion mused. �Because, see, I thought she wanted Donna to surrender the shoes. But the way she wrote that, it�s looking like she wants us all to surrender Donna to her.�
The others turned to gape blankly at him.
�The English language is lost on you two,� he informed them before going to join Donna at the door to the large white house in the center of town where the white haired gatekeeper was trying to calm down a frantic crowd.
�Everything is fine. There is nothing to worry about. The great and powerful Prez is hard at work within his chambers and must not be disturbed. Please, go home, and do not worry. Everything will be sorted out eventually.�
�Look, we have to see the Prez right now,� Donna was telling him.
�I�m sorry,� he said distractedly. �No one sees the great and powerful Prez. Not nobody, not nohow!�
�But�but she�s Donna!� the scarecrow exclaimed, coming to her side and tossing a floppy arm over her shoulders.
The man blinked. �The witch�s Donna? Well now. That does change things. Wait here. I�ll announce you at once.� He disappeared into the white building behind him.
�And, yet again, who gets the door opened? Oh, that�s right. I did,� she scarecrow gloated. �So, once more, who da man?�
�You da man, Scarecrow,� Donna intoned dully, eyes fixed on the entrance to the house. He grinned broadly, and probably would have started strutting, but the door swung open.
�Go home!� the gatekeeper yelled. �The Prez says go away!�
�Home?� they all echoed.
�But�but�� the scarecrow protested. �But I�m da man!�
�All that way, for nothing,� the tin man sighed. Tears welled up in Donna�s eyes. �Oh, don�t cry, Donna. We�ll get you in to see the Prez,� he told her.
�But�but�I just want to go home,� she sniffled. �I never wanted to be there when I was. I thought Josh was terrible to me, but he really wasn�t, not all the time. I was so horrible to him that last night. I told him I couldn�t help him, and he needed me! He always needed me. And he�s all alone there now, all alone in Washington with no one to watch out for him, and he�he�he�ll never survive without me!� She buried her face in the scarecrow�s shirt and sobbed. �I�ll never forgive myself! Never�never�never!�
It took a few moments for them all to realize that Donna was not the only one crying. At the door, the gatekeeper had big tears rolling down his wrinkled cheeks. �Please,� he finally said. �Please, don�t cry anymore. I�ll get you in to see the Prez. I�I had�I had someone like that once too.� He turned and fled through the doors.
As soon as he was gone, Donna pulled away from the scarecrow and carefully wiped her eyes on her sleeve. �Oh, boys,� she said quietly before looking up to give them all a huge grin. �Who da woman?�
They all stared at her, blinking stupidly.
�Oh come on,� she scoffed. �I wasn�t a theater major for half a semester for nothing��
_______________
�So look, you�re not gonna really need me for this are you?�
The words echoed in the long hallway.
��Cause, you know, I really don�t need to see this Prez guy, strictly speaking. Wouldn�t it be best if someone just stood outside and, I don�t know, kept watch or something?�
�Hang in there, buddy,� the tin man broke in. �You�ll have your courage soon enough.�
�And maybe the hair to go with it,� the scarecrow added, stifling a chuckle.
COME FORWARD.
The voice had no origin, no direction. It was everywhere, and inescapable. Donna shivered a little, even though she knew that she was just being an idiot. A pillar of flame erupted in the middle of the room and a disembodied head floated in the middle of it. Donna was struck by the thought that it bore a striking resemblance to someone she couldn�t quite place, but then it spoke again and she lost her train of thought.
I AM PREZ, THE GREAT AND POWERFUL. WHO ARE YOU?
�I am Donna, the small and quite possibly insane,� she began. �We�ve come to ask you��
SILENCE! THE GREAT AND POWERFUL PREZ KNOWS WHY YOU HAVE COME. AND HE HAS EVERY INTENTION OF GRANTING YOUR REQUESTS. BUT YOU MUST FIRST PROVE YOURSELVES BY PERFORMING A VERY SMALL TASK. BRING ME THE BROOMSTICK OF THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST.
�But we�ll have to�I mean, the only way to get that is to�� the scarecrow stammered.
KILL HER, YES. NOW GO.
�And what if she kills us first?� the lion choked out.
GO.
So they went.
______________
�I-I-I think�I think there�s spooks in these woods,� the tin man stuttered.
The lion chuckled. �You believe in spooks?� he asked incredulously.
�Well I know there�s such a thing as water nymphs, so why wouldn�t there be��
�Why on earth would you know a thing like that?�
�Look, I didn�t know she was a water nymph! For the last time, it was just�� he was cut off by his own horrific scream as he was lifted a few feet into the air and dropped with a loud clang on the ground.
The lion�s eyes got wide. �I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spooks, I do, I do, IdoIdoIdo!�
The tin man swung his ax in a wide arc and struck something solid. �They�re not spooks!� he gasped. �They�re�� he peered down at his prey. �Flying monkeys? What on earth��
But he was interrupted by a scream from Donna as two of the monkeys grabbed her by the arms and lifted her up over the heads of the three men. The tin man swung his ax, and the lion got in a few good bites, but the scarecrow was less fortunate. Two other monkeys pulled at his limbs and split him into pieces, scattering straw across the forest floor before the whole troupe disappeared into the night, carrying Donna with them.
_____________
�So nice to see you, Donna,� the witch said pleasantly in that nasal tone that went right through her head like a jackhammer.
�Look, let�s cut the bullshit,� Donna suggested. �You want the damn shoes, take them. I don�t have a single thing they�d match anyways. All I want to do is get back to the Prez and go home to Josh.�
The witch�s mouth twisted unpleasantly. �Josh, huh. Hm. Well we�ll see about that. For now, I�ll take my shoes, though.� She reached out for them, but they emitted a cloud of sparks, and the witch pulled back furiously, cursing.
�Ok, that�s it! Screw you, and the damn shoes! You�re more trouble than you�re worth, always have been. But that�ll be over soon enough.� She reached for a large hourglass on the table. �See that? See it? That�s how long you have to live.� She cackled evilly. �When I�m through with you, you�ll wish that you�� she trailed off and sniffed the air. �Oooh, shrimp!� she said delightedly, and practically skipped from the room.
The large crystal ball in the corner flickered, and an image of Josh appeared, sitting in his office looking morose. �Look, Leo,� he was saying into his phone, �I don�t know what to tell you. It was here this morning, and now�I dunno. It�s all just�I can�t do any of it without Donna. I�ll find it, though, I swear. No, look, you don�t have to�Leo, for godssake, I�to war over it? You�re shitting me, right? Because, you know, war might be a little extreme. No, look, we do not need to go to war with China, I�ll�I�ll find it, ok? Leo, I�you said�fired? But you�I�whatever happened to�yeah, well fuck you!� He slammed down the phone and buried his head in his hands, running his fingers uneasily through his hair.
�God, Donna, I miss you so much�� he sighed.
�Josh�� she whispered, reaching out a finger to touch the glass, and then his picture disappeared, replaced by the cackling image of Amy, Wicked Witch of the West.
�Oh, Josh,� Amy mocked, �Joshua Josh Josh�come back, come back!�
Her laughter pierced Donna�s skull with the force of a thousand fingernails on a thousand chalkboards in a thousand classrooms across the world.
______________
�Ok, so, just so we�re clear. Who da man?�
�We are collectively da man,� the scarecrow said sulkily.
�That�s right,� agreed the tin man. �Now that we have that clear, what�s the plan for getting in this place?�
�Well�� began the scarecrow, but the lion cut him off.
�How about someone with a brain?� he suggested.
�Hey, it�s not that bad a plan,� the scarecrow sulked.
�Does it rank right up there with the brilliant plan of �let me throw myself at these flying monkeys so I can get my stuffing ripped to pieces and waste all kinds of valuable time getting shoved back together by two guys who really don�t want to be handling my private straw�?�
�I think it beats that one,� he mumbled. �Anyway, it�s not like I wanted to do it. They were taking Donna. I wasn�t gonna just let them get away with something like that!�
�So the plan is�?� the tin man prodded.
�Winkies.�
�Eh?�
�We dress as Winkies and sneak into the castle.�
The tin man raised his eyebrows. �You really think that wrapping ourselves in cellophane and dressing as Hostess desserts is going to get us in there? I mean, I can see how it would be distracting, but��
�Winkies, not Twinkies, you dipshit,� the lion interrupted. �Those guards down there.�
�Oh. Well then why didn�t you just say guards?� he asked the scarecrow a little sheepishly.
The scarecrow grinned rakishly. �Because Winkie is so much more fun to say.�
�You know what�s also fun to say?�
�Let�s not go there,� the lion suggested. �I suggest the two of you get comfortable saying the phrase oh-ee-oh, oh-ho, because that�s all you�ll be doing for quite a while now��
______________
The sand was almost gone from the hourglass, and Donna was spending her last few minutes wondering why archvillains always felt the need to allow their captives time to be rescued before they performed the execution. Exactly on cue, just as the last few grains of sand were trickling from the top half of the glass, she heard a comforting chop chop chop, and saw a familiar ax come flying through the door, just above the handle.
�Hey boys,� she greeted them with a smile. �Right on time. Now let�s go get our hands on that broom so we can get our asses out of here.�
They made it to the staircase, but at the bottom was the expected ambush, and they all knew that there was no hope in fighting. The tin man grasped his ax and seemed to consider using it, but Donna nudged him with an elbow, because she really didn�t want to see him run through with a spear. Amy stood there by the exit, toying with her broom.
�Guess Joshua�s just going to have to learn to make it on his own, poor boy,� she sneered at Donna before waving a hand over her broom and catching the tip on fire. She smiled disarmingly at the scarecrow. �You look a little chilly there. Those guard uniforms really aren�t all that well adapted for this climate, are they? Maybe I can� she sidled over to him �warm you up a little.� She reached out to touch his cheek, and he closed his eyes, leaning into her hand a little.
Donna was surprised the damn man didn�t start purring.
�How about a little�fire!� Amy cried, tipping the broom and igniting the scarecrow�s arm. Donna cried out and reached for a highly convenient bucket of water, tossing it in the scarecrow�s direction. Just her luck, the witch was still standing by his side, and as soon as the water touched her skin she began to shriek.
�I�m melting! I�m meltiiiiiiiiing!�
Donna and the others helped the scarecrow to his feet and made their way to the door as Amy continued her theatrics. The lion paused at the doorway as they made their escape with the witch�s broom.
�Don�t you want to watch her die?� he asked Donna.
�Nah,� she said with a shrug. �I�ve seen this movie enough times already.�
______________
The broom landed with a thud at the foot of the pillar of flame.
CAN I BELIEVE MY EYES? WHY HAVE YOU RETURNED?
�Please, sir,� Donna said politely, trying to veil her impatience. �We�ve done what you ask. Now it�s your turn to do what you�ve promised.�
NOT SO FAST, NOT SO FAST. THIS MATTER REQUIRES SOME THOUGHT. GO AWAY, AND COME BACK TOMORROW!
�You�ve had plenty of time!� the tin man protested.
DO NOT INSPIRE THE WRATH OF THE GREAT AND POWERFUL...WHATEVER HIGH ATOP THE...THING! I SAID COME BACK TOMORROW.
Donna�s eyes wandered around the room as he raged, and lit on a curtain hanging around a booth in the corner. On a whim, she wandered across the room and tugged at the curtain. It swung open to reveal a man talking into a microphone on the desk in front of him.
�Do not presume to criticize the Great and Powerful Prez, you ungrateful creatures! You should feel lucky that I have given you an audience at�� Donna cleared her throat and he spun around in his chair to pull the curtain back into place. The voice of the Great and Powerful Prez continued to boom out around the room, but the men were already staring at the curtain, and the tin man was beginning to giggle.
THE GREAT PREZ HAS SPOKEN! PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN! THE GREAT�
Donna pulled the curtain back again and sneered at the little man sitting there in his chair looking mortified. �You are the Prez?�
�Well, yes. I am the great and��
�Powerful yada yada yada,� she continued. �Yeah, you mentioned.�
�You�re a fraud!� the scarecrow yelled.
�I�m not!� the man insisted, standing up and making his way out into the room. �I was elected by the majority of the people in Oz to be their Prez. I�m not a fraud at all.�
�Actually,� the lion began, �only 48% of�� but the Prez cut him off.
�Politics,� he scoffed. �I had enough of them back home, and then we hit that horrible tornado in Marine One, I end up here, and they elect me again! What was I supposed to do? People around here expected magic, witches, all sorts of tricks. Tricks I could give them. Magic? Not so much.�
�You were in politics back home?� Donna asked eagerly.
�Certainly was. I�m a Washington man myself, you know. Well, no, that�s not entirely true. I�m a New Hampshire man. But I was living in Washington when I ended up here��
�So you can get me home?� she asked eagerly.
�Well, now that you mention it, I have had a crew working on Marine One for quite a while now, and they think that they may have just figured out how to get it to work again,� he informed her. �I was going to set off in it myself. You�re welcome to come along for the ride.�
______________
Donna stood in the doorway of Marine One, looking out at the crowd of people that had shown up to bid the Prez farewell. He was waving and smiling, shaking hands and kissing babies, so she decided that she probably had enough time to say goodbye to her friends. She slipped down from the helicopter and ran over to the three men.
�You know, as much as you three drove me crazy, I�m going to miss you all,� she began, but was distracted by the sound of the chopper�s rotors roaring to life.
�Goodbye, goodbye everyone!� the Prez called as Marine One lifted off the ground.
�Hey!� Donna yelled, but her voice was lost in the cheers of the crowd. �Hey, wait! Wait for me!� But he didn�t hear her, and the helicopter lifted up and away into the blue morning sky, flying back to Washington without her.
�Son of a bitch!� she yelled at the departing chopper, and she sunk down to sit defeatedly on a bench beside her. �Now how am I ever going to get home?�
�Oh, don�t be such a drama queen,� came a voice from behind her. She turned around to find Claudia standing behind her, dripping soap bubbles onto the sidewalk. �You�ve always had the power to get back to Washington on your own. Now, class, what have we all learned from this experience?�
Donna�s face broke into a grin. �Let me guess�there�s no place like home?�
Claudia smiled back. �You win. So just click those shoes together, and send yourself on back to Washington.�
�Toby too?� she asked, gesturing at the lion.
Claudia blinked. �Huh?�
Donna shrugged. �I dunno, it just seemed like the thing to say.�
She turned to the tin man and hugged him, handing over his oil can. �Now keep away from those water nymphs this time, ok?� she whispered in his ear as she pulled back.
�Oh, for the last time! I didn�t know she was�� but he was cut off by everyone else laughing at him. �Not funny,� he grumbled, turning away, but Donna could see that he was smiling, just a little.
Next she turned to hug the lion, tugging a little at his fake mane. �I think you look better without it,� she told him, and he growled at her.
Finally, she went over to the scarecrow, who looked like he was about to cry. She hugged him for a long time, and then pulled back to tell him, �I think I�m going to miss you most of all.�
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, then clicked her heels together and whispered, �there�s no place like home, there�s no place like home, there�s no place like home,� and again she was falling
falling
falling
into nothing.
**************
�Donna?�
She heard the voice through the fog in her head, and she knew it was him, but she couldn�t bring herself to open her eyes.
�Donna, wake up. Please, Donna? I swear, I�ll make you coffee for a year��
She finally dragged her eyes open. �You don�t have enough of a brain to even know how to make it,� she mumbled as he slowly came into focus, a look of utter relief appearing on his face. He sat there and stared at her for a few moments, then reached out to brush some of her hair away from her face.
�Hi there,� he whispered with a dimpled smile.
She smiled back a little, wincing from the pain in her head. �Hi.� Then she frowned a little, a memory tugging at the back of her mind. �You were there,� she remembered. She glanced behind him to see CJ, Toby, and Sam huddled in a little worried group by the door. �And you were there too, and you, and you��
�Yeah, me and my dog Toto,� CJ laughed.
Donna frowned. �Don�t you believe me? You were all there, and the President, and Leo, and�� she turned to Josh. �And you were da man.�
He grinned down at her. �Well of course I was.�
�Look, we�re glad to see you�re all right, Donna, but we�ve got to get back to work,� CJ told her. �Get some sleep, and I promise I�ll come by tonight and bring a big carton of ice cream.�
Donna smiled. �Sounds good,� she said as the three of them filed out of the room, leaving her and Josh alone. He sat on the edge of her bed and reached out to pull her sheet up around her shoulders. �You really were there,� she told him sleepily, before remembering something else and sitting up abruptly. �You�re not fired, are you?�
Josh raised his eyebrows. �Fired?�
�Amy said�� she trailed off, shaking her head and sinking back down into her pillow. �Never mind.�
�Kay,� he agreed. �No,� he assured her, �I�m not fired. Now, close your eyes, and get some sleep, okay? I�m going to head back to the office, but I promise I�ll be here when you wake up.�
�Mhmm,� she mumbled. �And don�t forget my coffee.�
He blinked. �What?�
�One year, Joshua. And don�t think I won�t hold you to it.� He grinned and stood to make his way to the door. �Hey, Josh?� she called before he could leave.
�Yeah,� he replied, turning back around.
�I love you.�
�Oh, brother,� he muttered, and rolled his eyes.
He softly closed the door behind him, leaving her alone in the room. As she drifted off to sleep, she found herself wondering idly if she was ever going to be able to face any member of the Senate again without bursting into hysterical laughter.