Notes: The title and song belong to Kevin Hearn and Thinbuckle.
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There�s an empty house
That you sing to and you cling to
There�s an empty house
That you pray in and you stay in
I ask you if you need me
And you tell me to hold on
While you hold out
I ask you if you love me
And you tell me to stay in
While you stay out
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The apartment was dark when she got home, and she didn�t bother turning on any lights. She didn�t need to see him to know he was there, slumped down in that chair by the window, watching her as she came in. She wiped the tears from her eyes hastily, and busied herself with taking off her coat and putting her purse and shoes away. She hated to let him see her cry.
�How did it go?� he asked, and she choked back a laugh. As if the tears weren�t hint enough. Well, actually, the tears didn�t mean all that much, truth be told. There had been too many of them in the past few days, and the reasons for them were all starting to blur together.
�It went great, Toby,� she told him, bitterness edging her voice. �It was fantastic. Wish you had been there to see it. A fabulous time was had by all.�
She could see him frowning in the dim light that filtered in from the street. �You don�t have to be like that, you know,� he said mildly. �None of this was my fault.�
�I know!� she burst out, letting out a little of the tension that had building up all day. She shook her head, taking a deep breath. �I know,� she repeated quietly.
He nodded. �No really,� he continued. �I want to know. How�d it go?�
�It was�� she sighed. �It was nice.� She could feel the skepticism in his silence. �It really was. It was�nice,� she repeated lamely. �You would have liked it.�
�Wish I could have been there,� he said, and there was honest regret in his voice.
�Me too.� She smiled a little wistfully.
He nodded towards the window and asked, �Who drove you home?�
�Andi.� He raised his eyebrows, and she felt forced to continue. �It wasn�t my idea,� she said defensively. �She offered. She wanted to talk to me about�she just wanted to talk to me, ok? Look, I like Andi, and from what I can tell, she doesn�t have any problem with me. You don�t have to get all uppity when we talk, you know.�
A tiny smile tugged at his lips. �Uppity?�
�Yes, Toby. Uppity. It�s a word. And I�d say it�s a pretty good word for the way you get when I talk to Andi.�
She heard him sigh. �Look, I�m not trying to be�there�s�it�s just a thing. You know. I just don�t want there to be�� he gave up. �No, look, never mind. If you want to talk to her, if it makes you�hell, who am I to tell you no?�
She smirked. �Did you just let me win?� she asked incredulously, flopping down across from him on the couch.
�Course not,� he said quickly. �There was no winning involved there. Especially not any by you. It�s just, you know�I figure the more people you talk to now, the better. And if it�s Andi you want to talk to, then go for it.�
She raised her eyebrows a little. �You�re worried about me?�
�I�m�� he broke off and sighed. �Honestly? Yeah. I am.�
�You know, most of the time you�re so�� she waved her hands around, at a loss for words, �and then sometimes you can be so damn sweet.�
She could see him blush faintly. �Only for you, Claudia Jean,� he said quietly, and she felt the tears return with a vengeance to sting her eyelids. She blinked them back fiercely.
�Don�t worry about me,� she told him. �I�m fine. Really. I�m�I�ll be fine.�
He nodded. �I don�t doubt it. Someday. But right now? I think I�m allowed a little worrying.�
She shrugged, and it looked casual, but she knew he could see right through her. �Go ahead,� she said, smiling a little. �You�re good at it.�
His lips curved upwards, but it wasn�t a smile. �Too much practice,� he told her.
Silence fell between them, and it was comfortable, just like everything else in their relationship. There had never been anything awkward about them, not even in the moments where neither knew what to say, like now. There was so much to be said, so much to tell, but even though the words wouldn�t come, they were content just sitting here, being silent together.
She had a sudden urge to go to him, to sit there on the arm of that chair and wrap her arms around his neck and kiss him, and then to just sit there, wrapped in his arms, and listen to his heart beat. But she couldn�t do that, and it was that thought that finally made the tears begin to fall. She wanted to wipe them away, but instead she let them stream down her face, let him see her weakness.
It didn�t matter anymore if she was strong or not. He was past the point of caring.
�Don�t cry,� he said, and even though the words were gruff, she could hear the panic in his voice, the worry for her. �Please don�t�I didn�t mean to�I�m sorry.�
�I thought it wasn�t your fault,� she said bitterly.
He frowned. �It wasn�t. You don�t think I wanted any of this, do you? You think I wanted to see what this has done to you, what it�s done to�� he waved his hand at the window, �to everyone, to my friends, my family? You think I chose for this to happen? I�m sorry you�re in pain, CJ. You have no idea how sorry I am. But I didn�t cause it.�
�Then who did?� she demanded, and she could feel the anger rising up, threatening to drive away all sense of reason. It wasn�t his fault. She knew that. But she was angry, she was hurt, and she needed this. �Do you have any idea what it was like for me today? I was alone there, Toby. I had to stand there alone, without you, without anyone. Andi was there with the kids, and they stood there by her side, holding her hands. And Molly cried and Huck stared at everyone with those big brown eyes, and she was able to kneel down and hold onto them and cry with them.
�Everyone from work was there, of course, and the President stood there holding Abbey�s hand, and Josh had his arm around Donna the whole time, just trying to hold himself up, and your brother�s wife was there with their kids, and I had to stand there alone, Toby.
�I had to stand alone and watch as they lowered you into the ground.�
Her voice choked off, and she couldn�t say anything else, couldn�t do anything but sink back down onto the couch, bury her head in her arms, and sob. She lifted it, just for a second, to look at that chair by the window, his chair, which was empty and cold and would remain that way forever. She knew him too well, knew the words that he would say to her if he was here now, and his voice in her head was still so real, his image in her mind so vibrant and alive. But there was the chair, and it was empty, and there was no deceiving herself anymore.
�I miss you,� she whispered to the empty room, and the words seemed to hang in the air uncertainly, so she kept talking, just to keep that uneasy silence at bay. �It seems like I can�t remember a time in my life when you weren�t there if I needed you. Things were supposed to get better this year, remember? We were going to be out of office, and we�d have more time, more energy for�I know you didn�t like to call it a relationship, so I�ll just say for us. You never let me say it when you were�you know, before. So I�ll say it now.
�I loved you, Toby. I did then, I do now, and I don�t think I�m ever going to be able to stop. You have no idea how much I was looking forward to this year, to waking up in your arms in the morning, and falling asleep curled up against you at night, and all the moments in between.
�We were robbed.�
She fell silent then, and listened to the wind outside. Her tears still fell, and she didn�t care. She curled her arms around the pillow in her lap, and lay her head down on the arm of the couch. She cried for a while, thinking of the years that had gone by, and the empty years ahead, and when the tears wouldn�t come anymore, she closed her eyes and she slept.
She dreamed of him.
And as she slept, the empty house kept watch over her.