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Fake Molded Breasts and Slow Motion Baywatch Running
Wing Commander. Street Fighter. Mortal Kombat Annihilation. Super Mario Bros. What do these movies have in common? They sucked long and hard. It seems that the track record for video game films is holding true�they suck Schweaty Balls! With the exception of the original Mortal Kombat, it�s hard to make one of these films with a decent plot (note: �decent� plot). Tomb Raider is no exception. While not so terrible to roast in Chicken Hell, it�s clucking quite a bit with it�s bad acting, predictable plot, and fluctuating boob size on the heroine.
Summary of pathetic excuse for a plot involves Tomb Raider Lara Croft (as the film feels it has to constantly remind us) must find a way to stop a secret organization from controlling time and having the power of god (as the film feels it has to constantly remind us AGAIN). That�s it. No, were serious. That�s it. Please stop asking about it.
There are actually a whopping TWO reasons this movie isn�t on fire. One, Angelina Jolie, who did a good job with the waste of film and ink she had to work with. Her British was bloody good and one could tell she�d trained for the physical part of the role. Two, the robot, SIMON looked cool even though it was only in the movie for two scenes.
Now for the flaws of the film (those we can actually remember, for they are legion):
1. Very bad dialogue, so terrible we wanted to mute the movie. Dan covered his ears at one point and started saying �La, la, la, acting, la, la, la.�
2. Simon West�s direction during battle scenes� They were shaky, incoherent, and often hard to tell what the hell was going on. At one point Croft seems to unload her guns and then start shooting again without reloading. Dan tried to tear his eyes out and squish on the ground at this point� three minutes into the movie.
3. If you�re going to explore a �dead zone� where NO man-made technology works, why do you bring along your computer guy? You bring your shotgun-wielding butler with the body armor!
Why does everybody every born know her father? Lara Croft meets an introverted Eskimo girl for the first time, who then proceeds to talk about her father Lord Croft! Did this guy go around for a decade meeting everybody on the planet???
4. Why do Lara�s breast size change constantly through the movie? She goes from a C-cup to a DDD-cup and back in a flash! Did she drink miracle grow for breakfast and it wore off before lunch? The breasts also went from stiff and unmoving in some scenes to moving and hitting Lara in the face in other shots.
5.Why did Simon West feel the need to add slow motion, boob bouncing, Baywatch running? I�m sure some fanboy�s out there enjoyed it� but come on�
6.Why is Lara so worried about stopping this organization? The movie give no indication of them doing evil deeds� except for the clich�, all black wearing lawyer who proceeds to kill the rest of the members. Oh, did we spoil something� Oops.
Overall it was a horrible excuse for a movie with very few redeeming qualities. If you are looking for something to laugh at and MST3K this is the movie for you. We on the other hand feel it will make for a fine drinking game someday. When you hear �Tomb Raider� (drink). �We will have the power of god.� (drink) �I knew your father.� (drink, and you will get plastered on this one alone).
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