1. LORD BARRET IS THE LORD OF EVERYTHING

2. Lieutenant Biggs helps out Lord Barret when he's too busy with his omnipotent work, AND he's also the general of Lord Barret's armies when Lord Barret is busy preparing for the seven days of Marlene-Respect fasting!!!

3. Major Wedge---he really IS major and FAT too, but he cool 'cause he be loyal to Lord Barret and he makes good TERIYAKI BEEF. MmmmMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!

4. Captain Jessie controls the air force, and Lord Barret is forever grateful that she kicked out that sorry mofo Highwind! DAMN he was, like, DAMN IMPUDENCE wantin' that cussin' contest. I mean it's not like he would've won or anythin' if we hadn't exiled his ass. Yeah. LOOK AT THE PRINCIPLES YO SHIT.

5. Civilian Tifa recruits all the men for Lord Barret's armies other than his dark army of Marlene-like creatures----and DAMN, one look at her, and they're all like "ZOOOM GOTTA GO FIGHT FOR LORD BARRET, YO." So she cool.

6. Cloud? Cloud STRIFE?! Whut thuh hell, you think I'd let that stupid Ex-SHIN-RA into followin' BARRETISM!? Cloud ain't nuthin' but a pansy-ass white boy with freaky-ass hair. I mean DAMN. He probably wasted most of the money I paid him (outta Marlene's SCHOOLIN') for hair gel and crap. Shit.

7. Red XIII is my HOMIE, yo! He helps people follow the Marlene Religion rules! He be tight, and he's always so nice and he's ANTI-SHIN-RA. You gotta love anyone who be anti-SHIN-RA or you get yo'self outta Barretism, Y'HEAR?!