For most of my life, I fought God's will for me. Kicking and screaming the whole way, let me tell you. There were claw marks on everything that I touched in every aspect of my life because I wouldn't let go of my way. And, my way kept getting me into trouble, sometimes really big trouble. Finally, I was just to worn out to fight. I hurt physically, emotionally and spiritually. Exhausted and overwhelmed were my constant companions. Things changed for me when I let go, did what I was told to do. I keep it simple. When things start getting complicated, I stop and take a deep breath. How I go from there varies but it usually means slowing down, checking on HALT, doing the next right thing, keeping me side of the street clean .... I can't always figure this out. Frequently, I don't figure it out. The people around me do. Sponsor. Therapist. Priest. Friend. Even, occasionally, my wacky family.
My goals are simple, what do I do today? How does that fit into the next few days? I have a general idea of where I think I'm going, but I know that can change. Last year, I moved 600 miles in the middle of the summer. Not what I anticipated even on the first of June. As a friend said, "God zapped you." At those times, I have to stop asking what's reasonable and just go with the gut. If I've laid the ground work both practically and spiritually, it works out. I don't think that means I'm chosen. I actually don't believe that there are chosen people, come to think about it. I think there are those who trust, or something, and it works.
For example, yesterday I learned that I wouldn't get my first paycheck until mid-October for the adjunct teaching job I had accepted. I spoke up. Politely (something this program has taught me), I said, that I didn't know if I could do the job if I had to wait that long for the money. A few hours later, I was told that they couldn't do anything about the pay schedule but that they could pay me more -- a term contract. And, the encouraged me to follow the activist in me that knows the pay delay is completely unreasonable and even disrespectful. But because I'm going to get considerably more money, I feel more comfortable going to my family and saying, I need help until I get the pay that I'm due.
The entire teaching thing is because I laid groundwork. When I moved to LR, I knew I wanted to be part of a writing community. So, I went to the Writers' Guild program meeting and then I just followed naturally. I met a woman who is a freelance writer and I had a networking lunch with her. We hit it off. She gave me some names of contacts but she also asked to see my resume to see if she could come up with other ideas. Her husband is a division chair at the community college. I went to a party at their house and practically the first thing he said to me was, so are you going to teach for me. I said I sure would like to consider it, all the while thinking that it just wasn't what I wanted to do. Apparently, at least for the moment, God has other ideas.
I don't know if any of this makes sense, but it's my ESH on the matter. The bottom line, like it says in the BB, is that I am not the director.
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