Genny

Hi, I'm Genny, a recovering compulsive overeater. 
It is such a privilege to be with all of you. I have been asked to give my story.
To share, as others shared with me
every day for the past 6 months of my life.
I had no idea that I would be celebrating
my 6 month recovery anniversary by giving Service
in such a humbling way.
For that I am grateful.
....
My purpose here, is to let you see me.
As I was, as I am now, and as I will be.

As I was....

Well, I look back and see that I have always been
a compulsive overeater.  I do not know life any other way.
I remember my older sister, just "cutting back"
when she wanted to lose a few pounds.
I was always the "cute, chubby one" they would say.
As I grew older, I was the one with the "pretty face"
or the "great smile".
That's better than nothing, but we knew the words they didn't say.

I was the only one really out of 5 of us kids
that just couldn't seem to get enough food.
I remember it was the only thing that I did not get
in trouble for doing.  So I did it.  I ate.
.....

I was so scared all my life.  Thot I was just scared of my Dad mostly.
When he came in a room, I would make sure that I stayed one room ahead of him.
I was terrified of him.  He had a booming voice.  And could say harsh words
that would cut me to down shorter than I already was.

I can't remember a day of not being anxious.  Not knowing that is what it was.
Just knew that when I was at school, I wanted to be home.
When I was at home, I wanted to be at school.
When it was summer, I wished it was the school year.
When...well, you get the picture.
I felt I had no safe place other than the couple of hours on 
Sunday morning when I went to that little country church and talked to God.

......

I never really understood that I had any value.
I was nervous about every test in school.
Afraid I would make a mistake.  Afraid I would miss one question.
Afraid I would be the last one done.
Even when I made the honor roll time after time,
I didn't get it.  I was afraid to open my report card
while everyone else was sharing theirs.
At graduation they handed me a "gold cord" to place over my
graduation gown.  I didn't even know what it was for...truly...

......

I met the man I was to marry my Senior year of High School,
and we were married yet that same year.
That is what we did in "those days".  Back in 1971.
Either a girl went on to college, or she got married.
I worked with finances in banking and loved it.
But 5 years after I was married, I quit work to raise a family.
.....

I'm such a planner LOL.  That has it's good and bad LOL.
Depends on how compulsive you get with it.
Of course, I did not KNOW that I had compulsive behaviors.
I didn't have all these labels for things then.
Anyway...I wanted a winter baby, so we had Justin in December 1976.
And we wanted to make oh so sure, as sure as we could be
that we would not "favor" one child over the other, that we
waited three and a half years to have our second.
And I wanted a Spring baby, and God was gracious enough to
give us Todd in May, 1980.

I parented as I did everything else.  Full throttle.
Not knowing how to ease up.  Doing all those things that I 
always thot good moms do.  I spent every minute with those two
boys.  To me, there was no higher calling than motherhood.
And believe that to this day.  But I would knock myself out doing it.
Collapse at the end of the day, and get back up to start all over again.
......

We were dirt poor, but oh so happy.  Our little family of four.
You either saw all of us or none of us.  It was just that way.
Then in 1983, when the boys were 6 and 3, it was a very eventful year.
And God moved in our family in very public ways.
.....
You see, in February my three year old got his first set of hearing aids.
We found out that he was deaf.  It is not an easy disability to detect.
As so much communication is visual at that age.
.....
And 6 months later, my husband, got his first wheelchair.  You see...
he has Becker Muscular Dystrophy.  He was born with it.  I knew he had it
when we married.  It is a progressive muscle disease, affecting all the
muscles of the body, beginning with the weight bearing ones.
And it was now time to take that next step in getting him some more mobility.
.....
Then, 2 months later, I was on the phone.  The government office across 
the street had an opening.  It was the same time that the boys would be
in school.  I could work enough hours to afford to keep Justin in
Christian School while Todd was at handicap pre-school.
.....
When I called my husband, Ron, to tell him that I had gotten the job,
I was told to get to the hospital quick.  Justin had been in an accident.
I called my sister to have her drive me.  I thot, oh, I'm sure I can...
but maybe I better call her.
....
When I arrived at the hospital, there was a chopper there, a medical helicopter.
And I thot as I ran past it, oh, someone else is hurt...then..
No, that's for Justin...then thot....No, that was for Justin.
As I ran past the hospital clergy and my husband he said, Justin's gone.
And I said, I know.  For God had told me in my mother's heart.
And later on after reading the reports,
I can remember exactly where I was on the road
each time he had a code blue...all three of them...
And I remember the strange feeling I had and wondered what it was.
Now I know.
.....
Justin had such a strong faith, even as a 6 year old.
We had laughed and chatted, in fun yet serious
about if he got to Heaven before I did, that he was
to keep the room next to him for me.
I believe he is doing just that :))
.....
My son Todd continued on in his deaf education.  Has stepped up to the plate,
and is now ready to graduate from college in 6 weeks.  He is a phys ed major,
and will teach and ref and umpire.  Which is not a bad occupation if you're deaf! :)
He made the USA Men's Deaf Olympic Volleyball Team and will play in Australia next year.
He and his dad, as well as his brother are the most admired people in my life.
......
My husband still works.  Struggling to do the simpliest things such as
hold a pen or pick up a phone, or feed himself.  But he does it.  
He too does not know how to give up.
......
I continued my government job.  Really convenient.  Just two blocks from home.
Worked out great.  Could be close by if and when the time came for Ron to be home.
And then...they closed my office.  At a savings to the taxpayers they said.
All but this taxpayer.  So, I looked for other jobs.  But now...guess what...
I am over qualified.  So, I now drive 56 miles each way to and from work.
I leave at 6 a.m. and come home at 6 p.m.  I know if it is 6 o'clock 
I'm probably in the driveway :)
......
My labor of love for my family finally took its toll.
.....
I was exhausted.  Totally.  I thot it was physically.
I found out after being here, in OA, that is was
physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
.....

Little by little, I gave too much.  I thot I had to supply everyone's needs.
I thot that is what a good wife and mother did.
I thot that is what a good employee did.
Until one day...I had nothing left to give.
.....
I found myself leaving work.  I remember that I had this sensation in my head.
The sound of a plastic bag when you throw it into the fire.
How it squeals and twists and has that shrill pitch to it until just before it....
SNAPS.
....
I think I knew what would happen if it snapped.
I finally headed to the doctor, driving myself, of course,
the full hour to the doctor's office.
I remember looking into the eyes of delivery men as they passed me.
Looking for someone that would help me if I needed it.
I remember how they looked back at me in horror.
I have no idea what I looked like...but it must have been
desperation at the least.
.......
When I got to the doctor's office, I silently waited my turn.
It's a wonder I made it to my turn.
When I got into the room, the doctor asked me if I knew what was wrong.
I said a possible panic attack.
My blood pressure was so high that I could have stroked at any minute.
My blood sugar was so low that I could have gone into a coma at any minute.
Thank God I did neither.
But it was the only way that He could get my attention.
He didn't do this to me.  He allowed it.
For even tho God is in control, He is not controlling.
.....

During all of these events, I took care of everyone...but me.
Pride?  Compulsiveness?  Over achiever?  Distorted self-worth?
But I didn't know all these things about me until I got here, in OA.
.....
It has been three and a half years since then.  Since I stepped back
and took a different look at life.  God has been working one-on-one with me
until...6 months ago.
When in His gracious way, He brought me here, to OA.
.....
You see, during all these "episodes" of my life, my weight became
more than I could carry.  More than I could bear.
My short 5'"1 inch frame just was not made to carry 250 pounds.
It was a physical picture of what I was carrying around
emotionally and physically as well.
.....
So, 6 months ago, I came here.
I am not a leader (I say) :))
I will just watch and listen.
And I did....for the first three weeks....
21 days...I sat here for three full meetings a day.
21 meetings a week for three weeks...Sixty-three meetings I attended here
without a share.
I was scared.  What do I say?  Will they correct me?
Will they say I don't belong....tears....
But, also, I was just soaking it up like a sponge.
I saturated myself with what was being said.
I heard things like ...
"Don't leave 5 minutes before your next miracle".
"Take it One Day At A Time"
"Progress, not Perfection"
.....
I came to these rooms and it was powerful
For these rooms are full of the power of love.
I heard things like
"Together we can do what we can never do alone"
I found hope.
I found a new way of life.
I found labels to put to what had happened in my life.
I named it and forgave it.
....

And now, because of this program,
Because this is where I belong
Because of the people here
Because of using the tools
But most of all for knowing that I am Powerless.
And that all I have to do is be but Willing.
I have a whole new life :))
.....
I am 57 pounds healthier and getting healthier every day.
I have lost 7 inches in my waist.
I am anxious to start exercising now that I won't injure myself doing so!
I am finding recovery in all three areas of my life,
Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual.
I am forgiving myself and making amends to myself for treating me
worse than I ever would have treated anyone else.
......
I have found Service here.
That is oh, so important for recovery.
I greet in the email loops,
I greet in the online meetings,
I am a rep for a meeting,
I started leading a meeting regularly just two weeks ago :)
I share in the email loops my letters to God.
The Author-ity of my life and this program.
I attend face to face meetings.
And share my story where ever I go.
.....
I have found hope.  Hope and recovery that will last me a lifetime.
And I want to share it with you.
If I can do it.  YOU CAN TOO!!!
......
oH, and "KEEP COMING BACK
IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT
AND YOU'RE WORTH IT!!!
......
Thanks for listening, thanks for being part of my recovery.