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Ben's Time with Amee Hiseley. |
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This page I have created to help process the way I feel. This is where I keep some of my memories and bad spelling. No one here to get on my case about my bad spelling here. These pictures represent some of the best memories I have ever had in my life. I love shareing life with another person even if it means there are arguements, even if it means there are times that you don't want to be with that person, even if the faith is lost, even if your partner smells bad. I think that men and women were meant to be together. It sadens my heart to know that so many people in life decide the person they fell in love with no longer wants to be with them. One day our daugher will ask questions concerning this and I'll have to think hard about the answers. Some will have to be answered by both mom and dad, and some may not. I want our daughter to know that I will never decide to leave her. She is a sharp tack and she is going to start asking things like: Well if mom and dad don't want to be |
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together then do I have to be with my dad or my mom? Will my dad leave me because he does not like me any more? If I make my mom mad will she leave me? Why does a child even have to think about such things. There are times in my life that I wish that I could be a kid again, maybe because my home was so stable growing up. Will Cora |
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grow up feeling the same way? I pray that she will be a healthy young women that loves her parents and is happy to be alive. This is the sort of thing that fills my head before sleep at night. Sometimes I wonder if I did something drasticly wrong to make my former wife leave. Did I not make enough money, not handle it properly, did we not comunicate adiquatly with one another, did she not like to be with me physicaly, did I talk to much, |
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was I not smart enough, did she not see a goal in me that I was striving for, did she just not like living with another man, did she just lose interest in the relationship? I imagine these are things that anyone would think about if someone they love doen't want to be with you any more. So I guess it kinda comes to this. Am I messed up because I still want to be with my former wife? Am I messed up because I still keep a red shoe on the shift lever of my truck. No, I just have a wound that may never be healed. It's a tear in my heart that I will reinjure every now and then. When my former gets a boyfriend, when she turns me down for a date, when I listen to a certain song on the radio, when I experience something with someone else that I first experienced with my former wife. I loved to laugh, do activites, go to the movies, |
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rollerblade with my former wife, have conversations because she did not suger coat anthing. She told it like it was. I liked hiking with my former, I remember our first shower together like it was burned into my memory. I just liked to hold her because it made me feel as if everything in the world was at harmoney with one another. It's a very comforting thought to know that you could come home to this person and |
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just talk about your day. I may find another person one day but I think that I will always be comparing that person to my former wife. I guess that's the way that my head works. Hard to believe that one person in all the earth can have this much of an affect on another persons life but I guess it's so. Does it make me sad to reminise about these memories and thoughts. No, I think that it helps to make me who I am. |
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My former wife made me a stronger person. Just the thought that this person cares about me and what happens to me made it very easy for me to complete basic training for the air force. As you can see by the picture below this text, alot of time was spent with it in my grip. It has age lines from it being clutched in my fist. When a T.I. was yelling in my face it was there, or when I was taking a test, it was there, when the girls in the upstairs dorms were flashing us, it was there, when the guys were going to the strip club, it was there. This picture provided moral support for me in times when I really needed it. There are things that I wish I could change about my life and the decisions that I made. I don't regret playing with my former wifes Teva sandles at the fireworks booth in Petaluma all those years ago. I don't regret not leaving my former wife when she had bad things to tell me about her life. My ethincs of what I believe marriage should be about and she believes they are about are different. The trick in life is to mesh those |
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things together so that everyone is happy. Is it possible? I don't know. I would try forever to see if it is possible though. Do people get back together after a divorce on their lives? Yes, they do. Is it common? No, it is not. Is it possible to recapture that feeling of first love that you had so long ago? I don't know the answer to that eithor. Is it worth trying to find out to me? Yes, More that you know. |
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If my former wife were to read this and a she shead no tear, then there is no emotion left for me at all. If she shead no tear she may be reading this in contempt and maybe even in discust. It's hard for me to read the thoughts and emotions of others. I don't really know why this relationship was meant to end in this way. I do know that it hurts in a way that is difficult to explain to others. I hope this finds a place in an open heart, that is soft to these thoufhts and emotions. |
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