| When you are finished with this page, just press the "back" button on your web browser to get back to the menu of choices that link my webpage together. This is a temporary page that I needed this time around because my thoughts took longer than a page to express fully. I hope you enjoy this last segment and, in my opinion, the meat of what I've been trying to get at in this entire "diary" of mine. |
| I have two contrasting examples that I'd like to get out of my head. The first one involves a dormmate of mine from last year (freshman year) who I thought I got to know very well. We took organic chemistry together. We jammed in his room with his guitar, singing Matchbox 20 tunes. But, this year, despite us living still relatively close together, I rarely see him. Granted, he probably does not know where I live, but that I see as just shameful because I've taken the time to visit him and his friends (also freshman dormmates) and he has never asked me where I live...sometimes when I enter the room, I do not even get a "hi" from him, as he is too consumed with what he is doing on his computer, which I know from experience to not be homework...but even then such a lack of reaction is basically intolerable. Sadly, this feeling, and the ensuing feelings of resentment toward people I truly thought cared about me, is far too common for me. But, it does not take away from the fact that I am quite hurt by such blatant lack of caring. In an attempt to gain closer relationships with people, I came up with the brilliant idea of joining a fraternity last year. Isn't that what they're for? You laugh: they're not your friends, they're your drinking partners! Guess what? You're right. Shallow conversations about sex, alcoholic beverages, and the like, as well as excursions to locations of utter material-lessness have certainly not left a favourable impression on me. For someone who places so much value on sensibility and discipline, I am actually appalled at some of the things that some members of my fraterniy have been involved in recently. Sure, the stories are funny and I laughed too, but that doesn't ever mean that I forget the type of person I am, or at least would like to be; I know my boundaries very well, and it's going to take more than just weekly drunken revelry to move me to push them. Indeed, joining a fraternity did not made me feel any closer to most of my "brothers" than I feel toward the "friend" I described above... ...until a couple weeks ago. But let me first take you back one semester to last fall. I was taking a class with a "brother", actually two, but I'm going to focus on just the one. Sure, we learned the same material, we did the crossword while the teacher lectured on, but the point is that I never bothered to get to know him any better than as a "fellow classmate". All fall semester, that's all I knew him as...a fellow classmate (who was much better at the class material than I sure was!). So it is quite a surprise that a couple weeks ago, I found him having just woken up from a Friday night nap (!!) and alone in his room (since his roommate had left to see a movie). I still do not know to this day what possessed me to wander down the hall to his room (because normally I would be sitting in my room alone, doing something completely useless on my computer...not productive use of time for a loner...), but that night, in the span of a couple hours, I learned more about my "fellow classmate" than I did in all my fall classes with him combined. For one thing, he's terribly well organized, probably more organized than I. I also would never have guessed our similarity in music interests. And neither did he appear to hold anything back from me (like some of my "friends" used to do); if I am any authority, everything I heard that night was said in earnest and frankness. Honesty means a lot to me. In the ensuing weeks, I noticed that he occasionally would drop by my room just to talk, if even for just brief moments. To me, that's incredibly telling: like I said at the top of the page, you can identify a real friend by the fact that he/she actually allots his/her own time for you and only you. My friend probably does not realize this, but his actions demonstrate to me that he does care even a tiny bit about my life and who I am. But does he actually? Well, he's going to have to admit that to me personally, but I have this funny feeling in my head that for once, I feel something other than resentment toward a fake friend. Since that time, I have gotten to know him, his roommate and several others a bit better...there's still definitely room to know them all better. But the biggest lesson I've learned is that, as much as I have seen my share of friends who really are acquaintances (e.g. almost all my high school friends), you can't assume that it will always be that way...because who knows? The person sitting right next to you in cell biology class just might be a lot more like you than you ever imagined. I certainly found that out by accident. I hope you find out sooner. Pledging is usually something reserved for students who are not yet brothers of a fraternity, but I pledge that I will try to know these people better in the forthcoming weeks...what is left of the time when we still live in the same hallway. Now, all I can do is wait for some sign that this friendship is indeed mutual...some irrefutable sign of acceptance. For this, I can only hope. If this happens, I think that I will finally be able to look upon my own fraternity experience as a success, as a redemption of a lifetime of mistakes...as not yet another vain grasp at sour grapes. Thanks for taking the time to glimpse into my world for a few minutes. I would really appreciate any thoughts that you as a reader could give me on this profuse "splurge" of my feelings and emotions about my time at Duke. My e-mail addresse is [email protected]. I also hope that this reflection on my tribulations has made you think more closely about your life. I hope that no one I ever know will be forced to experience what it feels like to be alone for such a long time. |