1968-2005
We at the Long Island Paranormal Society were devastated after hearing this terrible news on Thursday March 31. Will and Ian are aspiring Stand Up Comedians and Mitch was one of their idols. This was a really surprising and heart breaking death. He made the world laugh with his strange and very original humor. It's hard to imagine a world without Mitch Hedberg. We at L.I.P.S. wish to remember him by listing some of his quotes:
-I haven't slept for 10 days, because that would be too long
-I wrote a letter to my dad: I wrote, I really enjoy being here; but I accidentally wrote Rarely instead of Really. But I still wanted to use it so I crossed it out and wrote I rarely drive Steamboats Dad. There's a lot you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a Steamboat operator. This letter took a harsh turn right away.
-I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands are more important than others
-Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease you can get yelled at for having. Dammit Otto you're an alcoholic; Dammit Otto you have Lupis. One of those 2 doesn't sound right.
-I get the Reese's Candy bar. If you read it there's an apostrophe. the candy bar is His. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's and some guy named Reese comes up to you and says "Let me have that" you better give it to him. I'm sorry Reese, I didn't think I would ever run into you.
-I bought a donut and the guy gave me a receipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut. I give you money, you give me the donut, end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I can not imagine the scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut...some skeptical friend. Don't even act like I didn't get that donut, I got the documentation right here.
-My apartment is infested with Koala Bears. It's the cutest infestation ever, way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of Koala Bears scatter. I don't want them to y'know. I'm like hey, come on fellas. Let me hold one of you and feed you a leaf.
-Acid was my favorite drug. Acid opened up my mind. Because of Acid I realized that Butter is Way better than Margerine. I saw through the Bullshit. When I was on Acid I would see things like Beams of Light and I would hear things that sound an awful lot like Car horns. When we were on Acid we would go into the woods 'cause when you're in the woods tripping there's less chance you'll run into an authority figure but we ran into a bear. That's even more of a buzz kill. My Friend Duane was standing there raising his right hand swearing to help prevent forrest fires. We got away from the bear, he put his arm around my shoulder and said Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person.
-When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They say "Dufrane party of 2, table ready for Dufrane party of 2" If no one answers they'll say the name again "Dufrane party of 2" But then if no one answers they'll move on to the next name: "Bush, Party of 3" Yeah...but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to care...Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now with duct tape over their mouths and they're hungry. That's a Double Whammy! We need Help! Bush, Search party if 3. You can eat once you find the Dufranes.
P.S.- This is what the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated