I Am: still young, but hopefully a little less naïve I Chose: to do it my way I Gained: a little more experience I Gave: all i could I Have: more than i probably deserve I Helped: less than i could have I Made: a few bad decisions I Learned: people come and go I Lost: a few more days I Said: too many things without thinking I Took: what i think i deserved I Was: young and naïve I'm reminded of: what an asshole i can be

"A stranger's just a friend you haven't met"

I'm back. I'm back. Not that most people would've really noticed or cared. But that doesn't matter, because i do this for noone other than myself, and perhaps those few that too are looking for something to entertain themselves, if even for a minute, while sauntering aimlessly through that vast expanse which we call the world wide web. A seemingly most fitting name considering the great number from all around the world who all too often find themselves snared in this time-consuming wonder. Nope, haven't gotten any less verbose. So, why the extended hiatus this time? I probably just had nothing to write about... or was just too damn lazy... most likely the latter. Though i really can't say for sure... not that i wouldn't love to, but alas, sigh, if only you knew... hell, if only i knew... And why the continuance now? ah, midterms... okay, so what now... how about some more almost-prosaic ramblings...

Oh, before i go on to what i was going to go on to, i've been reading over various "entries" from days of yore, and i dunno, it's kinda, not enlightening, or revealing, but well, meh, i guess almost amusing to see that i'm pretty much exactly where i was when i started doing this shit 2 years ago, typing up whatever random bullshit that crosses my head while i should be studying for whatever it is they plan on testing my knowledge of... meh

So, two years later and i'm still pretty much the same person i was then, at least as far as i can tell. Hubris still all intact.

"After 12 martinis or so, my fancy does tend to get more ticklish"

[6.24.02]
        I was just skimming over my past musings again, as i do from time to time, when I came to the realization that I have no clue as to what percentage of the mental scrabbles i've left amongst these pages were left with a sober mind. Mind you I haven't exactly gone through each and every entry in an attempt to classify them. Though even just by reading over random ones here and there, i think there's more than a few that i'll never be able to classify conclusively. Which is perfectly fine by me, since i don't exactly write just so i can figure out what state of mind i was in on a given date. No. I write so that i'll have something to read later on when i'm bored (and i mean really bored) but don't feel like writing.

You may have noticed that i update this rather sporadically. I could tell you why, but there are a lot of factors that go into determining when i'll leave yet another mark and i'd rather not go into it at this juncture in time. But instead i'd rather talk (even if only to myself) a little bit more about my mental processes. I was actually just thinking of how often i write, when i write, and what i write about. And especially why i write. I then realized how much i know about myself. I have no idea how much other people know, or think they know about themselves, nor do i care to know unless they wish to share, but I now realize that i do know more about myself than i ever thought i did or would. I have no idea where i'm headed, and don't know as of yet where i'm going to be in a week's time, but i do now know pretty much why i've done anything i ever have done. Go ahead, ask me. I stumbled across this realization when for some reason i was thinking about how often people simply cannot give an explanation for doing something they've done. Now, right there, one can argue that i've already given an example of when i was lacking an explanation for my actions, that being why i even thought of all this. But that all depends on whether or not you consider thoughts to be actions, which in turn depends on which definition of action. For example, when asked what one is doing, people often reply that they're "just thinking..." Now, in that context thinking is an action, but i think the line between thinking about doing something and actually doing something is distinct enough for most, that i need not belabour the point any more. I concede that where a lot of my thoughts come from, I do not know, or even know if i have control over them. (ooh, non-mental note to self: origin of thoughts)

And once again i digressed as i so often do. Going back to why i do what i do. If i pick any action in my memory i find that i can find exactly why i performed said action if i look back far enough. And once i've find a suitable explanation for one action, you can look back further and find the course of events leading up to the explanation for action a, and so forth until you reach the boundaries of your memory. There are of course obvious exemptions. One being that I can only remember so far back due to an ever dilapidating memory. The other, which is more of an offshoot of the first, is the occurrence of blackouts (or brownouts, depending on whose definition you choose). But ne'ertheless, i find it surprising how much i do remember (though some might find it also somewhat remarkable how much i've forgotten) pertaining to my actions. For example, going back to these scriblets, i noticed that although i can't remember whether or not i was sober on a given date, i can remember the circumstances leading me to write what i wrote on most days. The same goes for a large majority of the emails i've sent. (non-mental note the second: you were going to write something about the bi/poly-lingual mind. end note.) But then while writing these, something else came to my attention. That being, that while i can remember the events leading up to just about any action i remember performing, there are also a lot of hours, days (weeks, months, who knows) of my life which i have no recollection of. Which is not surprising at all i guess, since most things that happen each day are hardly worth remembering. But then you (meaning i) think about it some more, and i realize that in my mind, my life has been nothing more (or less) than a (rather vast) number of isolated events along with the series of events leading up to each event. And of course these paths of events seem to interact with each other, since we rarely decide how to act based solely on the memory of one event. But then there's all this void between the different paths and intersections representing all that we've done but have no recollection of specifically (e.g. the walk to school on any one specific date). Then you look back. Pick out random points in your life, and arrange them chronologically, and realize that regardless of the infinite amount of thoughts you've had go through your mind, you've only been following one path. You've only lived one life. No matter, how many shortcuts, detours you've taken along the way, you're still on the same path you've always been on, the one you're taking right now - the one that's taken you to this point in time. To me typing this at 3:10 a.m. on the 24th of June, 2002, and you reading it ... now.

Now decide what you're going to do next.

[6.13.02]
i.am..a living joke. a walking noisemaker.
lesson of the day: refridgerating a 40 of O.E. after leaving it in the freezer overnight leads to precipitate formation. Precipitate seems to be non-toxic.

Around these here parts, the birds start their chirping usually around four or five in the morning. Which means, if one wishes to slumber, it would be wisest to do so before this time. Otherwise they become quite the nuisance. ... Have you ever wondered about the origin of words? I have. Like take the word nuisance. What if say someone a little eccentric, exercised an uncommon sense. Not to say that they're illogical or irrational, but rather they have a different, perhaps better understanding of things than the common folk, perhaps a better sense than common sense... Now, what if this character with this 'new-sense' tried endlessly to explain to the others his understanding of things despite their wishes to be left alone and best attempts to avoid this 'new-sense.'... what if roast beef tasted like cheese cake, the sky were green and leprachauns made you supper every night?... Some say it is so - if you think about it hard enough.

[2.5.02]
       It's a wierd... or at least different, walking around buildings on campus at night... when you run into someone maybe once every couple of hours... and they're all pretty much janitors... it is interesting though... then again, that's me, i like exploring...

funny thing about me (well, at least i find it funny... i'm a funny-a guy ;-) is that i've found that the less healthy i am, the happier i am. I can't say for sure why, but i think it's similar to how some people don't really start to appreciate what they have until they lose it... though, it's not that exactly... for me, it's just kinda like staying awake and actually *doing* something at this point in time, in such a state is a feat in itself... and to be able to one up people (a reward in itself) is that much more humourous, just b/c it's one of those things that shouldn't be... it's akin to lowering one's standards, but unintentionally... i can't help it if i'm that much more easily amused...

i think i have this dependency issue... it's come up before... i need people, friends to keep me in check... otherwise i tend to be... well, that much more unproductive... i need someone to tell me to "at least write down something before [i] go off to the lounge to play on the piano"... i'd like a piano... i'd like a lot of things... but i can live without most of them... toys are fun... so are stories...

A is for the allegories, presenting themselves sometimes in stories
B is for belligerence, which we should avoid, fighting solves nothing
C is for cat's cradle, so much more entertaining when we were wee
D is for those delinquents, i don't mind as long as they're quiescent
E is for egregiousness, some just don't know how to euphemize
(oh btw, as i'm writing this, or was writing that, there was actually a little tune i was writing to...)

anyhoo, believe i should be getting back to my lab now... ah sigh

[2.4.02]
        Ohla, so it's been not quite 3 months since i last added any new markings here... at times, 3 months can see like an eternity, while at other times, it seems hardly enough... what is 3 months in the grand scheme of things really?... let's not get all deep and philosophical about how time is really a construct of the human mind based upon the movements of celestial objects that will far outlast our existence and really will have hardly felt our impact once we're gone, yes... let's talk about 3 months in relation to our duration here... 90 days... a lot can happen in 90 days... of course, a lot more can happen in say, 6 months... well, let's try to put things into perspective here, and try to set up a little framework that will serve as the basis for my comparison which follows...

        the lifespan of the "average" woman is somewhere in the neighborhood of 80 years now i believe (give or take depending on your lifestyle choices, also to be taken into consideration is the fact that this will probably go up during our lifetime)... so 6 months would be 1/160th of that... given 1440 minutes in a day, really, 6 months in our life would be like 9 minutes out of any given day (or more accurately, 9 minutes out of everyday)... now, let's think about how much any of us does in a given 9 minute block... okay... see, i know, there are times when an extra 9 minutes comes in handy, like when travelling between classes or just before some sort of evaluation experience, but i know i'm guilty of letting much more than just 9 minutes pass out of any given day without doing anything productive in the least... i take an extra couple minutes now and then in the mornings getting ready, or evn trying to get up... more often than not it probably takes me more than 9 minutes to really get down to work no matter what it's at... my mind probably routinely spends more than 9 minutes in idle dreams (or just idly)... heck, i remember back in the day when i took the bus routinely, dozing off or just staring blankly into space and missing my stop, thus requiring me to walk (at times up to, and sometimes upwards of 9 minutes) to get back to the proper stop... so?...

        really, what's 6 months out of your lifetime?... one less coffee for the day perhaps?... probably wouldn't ruin your day, but what if you just *had* to get that coffee, if only say, from force of habit, and as a result you left 9 minutes earlier than you had to, and say as a result you left your notes for class at home, along with your keys, forgot to wake up your housemate (who in turn, gets upset at you for not keeping your word), slipped on the steps on the way out (cuz you were in such a hurry you forgot to watch where you were stepping) and... say you forgot your lab coat too... might that put a damper on your day?... see, wouldn't it have been worth just spending those extra 9 minutes and gotten off to a proper start to the day...

        (okay, well, get ready for a leap here) so say you've been in a relationship for 6 months, it seems like awhile, and admittedly, it most likely is a relationship at that point (of some sort, after all, what isn't?)... are you necessarily going to spend the rest of your life with them? it's possible, but it's quite possible that they're not the one. Just b/c you have a great conversation with someone for say 9 minutes just waiting at the bus stop or waiting for class to start one day doesn't mean you're going to spend the rest of the day with them, correct? What if you found out that you were waiting at the wrong bus stop then, or waiting for the wrong class (people lose track of the days, it happens), would you still hang around just b/c you guys have been chit-chatting it up the last 9 minutes?... 6 months, 9 minutes... you could've just missed your stop, and be headed lord only knows where... you can ride it out, see where it leads you, no harm in that, might as well stay for the ride while the scenery's entertaining, besides, the bus will come back around to your stop... eventually... but is your hesitation to get off really justified?... especially if you see another bus just waiting for a passenger... that lone bus... waiting... perhaps... just for you ;-)

those who know, know.

[11.11.01]
It's rememberance day. So let us take our moment of silence to remember.

...

        Okay, now next order of business. I find myself apologizing alot. And rightfully so. I can be obnoxious and belligerent at times. So, i apologize. It is ungentlemanly behaviour and puts others in awkward situations sometimes which they may not be accustomed to. Not to defend this behaviour, but perhaps to explain to you why such situations seem to arise so frequently. I've readily admitted that i am/can be stubborn and arrogant. Now, I never go out looking to cause a ruckus though. I will however not back down from some big dumb ignoramus who thinks he's bad because he's in the middle of some hicktown. I don't believe in starting shit you're not going to be able to end. And so, if someone wants to start shit, i force them to end it one way or another. I'm not some cocky little runt with a deathwish though. I know my role. Back home, i think ninety percent of the time or so i would probably step down before things ever escalate to the point to which i let them here. But the thing is, i know my role. And i know that ninety-five percent of the dumbards here don't have the gonads to do much more than talk, and a similar percentage can't start what they finish. Perhaps i can be placed in the same category to a certain extent. Like i said, i'd generally avoid confrontations back home, but here, well, i guess it does tend to boosts one ego. I've yet to get myself in more than i could handle though. To this day i think it's still inanimate objects that do more harm to me than anything else.

[11.8.01]
        You know what? I'm pissed off. And at someone i said i wouldn't get pissed off at. And since chances are (and i'm willing to bet on this, but even if you do, meh) that you won't read this in the near future, here is what ticked me off. As with most things, it's not the outcome, but the principle. Here is the outcome, i'm out ~$40 over 8 months. Not a big deal, i'll concede that. But when something's been decided upon as a group, then you decide to wait til i'm out of town to reverse our decision without consulting me and volounteer my money away, well, unpleasent feelings arise. Do not decide what i am to do with my money for me.

[11.4.01]
        I'm an ass. I can admit it. Do i expect you to forgive me? No. Should you? Perhaps not. I know I hold grudges. I can admit i've been selfish, inconsiderate, obnoxious, and exhibited behavior that could be described by umpteen other unflattering adjectives in the past. Most likely i'll do it again. Do i mean to? Usually not. I do get in moods now and then though. You should know by now that i am prone to making bad decisions, to forget, to fuck up. And it's all those fuck ups that have led me to where i am today.

I am proud of a number of things i've accomplished thus far. I've also done a number of things i'm not so proud of. Do i regret the things i've done? To be quite honest, not much of it. There are number of things in recent memory that i regret doing, but looking farther back, all in all, i see why i did certain things. Maybe i didn't make the best choices, but i did what i felt at the time was right... or i had to do.

I am sorry about a lot of things i have done. It seems like someone's always pissed off at me for one reason or another. And that's totally understandable. I'm not the easiest guy to get along with.

Here's some advice from a boy without much else to offer, be grateful for what you have. You've probably been told a million times, and it is cliché, but we forget. I know i do, probably as much, if not more than most people. But if you are reading this, you probably have a lot more going for you than most other people. I forget quite often how much i do have.

I have family, friends, my health, faith, dreams, an education, clothes that fit, numerous miscallaneous shiny objects, big speakers, places i can call home, a heart, two lungs, one brain, ten digits, two eyes, a place to learn, places to get away from it all, the ability to think for myself, independence, people i can depend on, a good credit rating, access to hot and cold running water, so many things to look forward to. Needless to say, there's a lot more, but you get the point. Life could be a lot worst for me.

[10.28.01]
        The way i see it, it sucks to be in the middle in life. I don't mean in a family, or in a line, or in a standing of any sort. Well, not any ordered type of standing but... i mean, physically, mentally, financially, emotionally. Well, okay, this is what i mean, from say a financial standpoint. Take a look at those on top, with the money, the funds, the financial security. They do well for themselves. They pretty much have what they want, they lead content lives. Granted, of course, there's probably always going to be something more that they wish they had, but for the most part, they can't complain. Then you take the ones at the opposite end. These guys are down and out. But like they always say, be wary of he who has nothing, for he has nothing to lose. Of course it is all just in your mindset. Do i realistically think i'd rather be flat broke than just financially insecure like i am right now?... honestly, i'd probably have to say no, but would i be happier?... that's what's been puzzling me... because i'm somewhere in the middle, where exactly? let's not say, but i look up, i see all those things that other people i have, that perhaps i'd like, perhaps i deserve, and some of which i may be able to obtain. But as that money goes, i start headed down the other end. I guess the central issue here is, when you're in the middle, there's so much you don't have, but also so much you have to lose. How do i get that something shiny without losing my other shiny things. Yeah, it's all about balance, i long ago realized that. But the closer to the middle you are, the more you have to balance. If you're well off, you just have to worry about keeping your things and not losing what you have. When you're down and out you don't have to worry about losing anything, you can just focus on getting new things. I should be grateful for what i have. I am grateful for what i have. Why do i spend so much time moping over what i don't then? i dunno, perhaps it's just a wondering of what could be. We all know how big people are at playing out scenarios in therapy, or for whatever problem-solving or prevention things... fuck fuck fuck.... yeah, i've been happier... though i honestly think i do have more now to be happy for than i ever have before. Why the frustration?... i don't know if i've mentioned this before but i am a slightly chemically imbalanced boy. Am i proud of it? no. What can you do though? I've learned to live with it. Is "balance" or "homeostasis" really integral to happiness, health, or mental stability... okay, let's not say stability, but mental well-being? To be great, to excel at something, does one not have to deviate from the norm?

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