... i think i've sold out... myself at least... i dunno... those who know, know that i've always held happiness above all things, but now... ... ... see, thing is, before, y'know, i washed windows, and that was a not-very-well-paying job, with crappy hours, by which i meant few hours, so i would have plenty of time off to go out and do... well, you know what it is guys our age do... so, that would've been all fine and good, b/c i could always get more money from... undisclosed sources, when i needed it... but i drop that... for a worst paying job, but at which i make more, because i get a fecal matterload of hours a week... and all for what... tuition... rent... stuff which i'm sure i could get paid for... but... alas, i was never one of those either... so i've sold out my happiness (at least in one sense) for *ugh* money... i feel so...

                i dunno which part... it seems like everything get's a totally different setting now and then, and i don't just mean where i am physically... but what i think about, where my mind tends to wander to... my mind tends to wander from train of thought to train of thought... where it plans on getting off, i have no clue apparently... i'll be just sitting here, ever so contently, pondering my current situation, and then something from the ages hits me and i get onto that for awhile... and i've noticed it's a cyclic thing in my head too... there's so many things that i'll just keep thinking about and going back to, then now and then, something else'll hit me, then that gets lobbed into the rotation too... and then, eventually something gets bumped out now and then, you know how it is, limited capacity and all...

[7.11.00] Notes from new work - Day  1 : i got fed...

                and so, i am happy :-)

                I've come to the conclusion that i really do have things pretty easy. I mean, all trials and tribulations, work and back-stabbers aside, i've enjoyed life... and even with those things, in the end everyone gets what's coming to them, and so, once again, i am happy... nyuck nyuck.... i dunno, i guess all that crap is part of life too, i'm sure everyone gets their fair share, it's just how you choose to view it and what you do with the situation, blah blah blah blah... then i guess, lemons are one thing... lemonade's all fine and good, but ugh, shitade... the lesson, there's only so much that you can do with what life hands you, drop the rest, and enjoy :-)

[7.9.00] i've learned that even the best laid plans don't always turn out as expected, and so, have pretty much forsaken planning... to those who say "there's so much you can't control, why not control what you can?.." i say, why bother, no matter how much you can or believe you can control, there's always umpteen other things that you can't... now don't go thinking that i've just given up on life and just kinda sit back and watch it go by now, i still go out, do what i want to do, and live life as i see fit, i just stop fretting about when stuff is gonna happen, and when i'm going to have to do whatever it is that needs doing, the time comes for all things, and things happen for a reason, so take what comes as it comes and tend to those when the time is there...

               ... i dunno... i think i'd like to reform... i think maybe it's time... i think i'm getting too old for some of this... but then i think maybe this is who i am, and why change what works?... course i'm not exactly "working" at this moment... shut up... gahhh... i try, and i try, and i try, but to no avail.... then i go out and have fun instead, and that makes me feel so much better... and then i'm happy... for awhile... then it's time for something else... yet, i dunno what... same old same old... i'd eat, but... ... ... i earnestly thank all youse who have been gracious enough to feed me, not to mention put me up, and put up with me, yeah, i know, i'm bloody useless, but i can be fun ;-)

                i watch the sky a lot... maybe it's why i like getting high... (judge for yourself)... i expect too much from life... then, maybe it's just i don't put enough into life... i dunno how much to put in though... or where to put it really... i think some just eventually reach a point where they give up, just cuz it doesn't seem to matter what they do, it won't change a thing.... don't think i'm there yet though... then again, maybe it's just because i'm restless... i have the *best* intentions, but honestly, i just wanna have fun, and don't we all?... i'm easily amused... "he who can laugh at himself, never ceases to be amused"... i think that's as much a blessing as anything else... then again, i'm a simple one... simple can be good... soo calming, and relaxing... simplicity is overlooked too often, things being made so much more complicated than they need be, not to mention confusing, but than i guess that creates more jobs, and so dysfunctionality perpetuates itself...

                  oh, how these vagabonn d shoes are yearning to stray... but then it's probably just becasue i'm sick of the same old scenery... i do have a rather short attention span

[6.30.00] observation: drinks consisting primarily of creme de menthe and creme de cocoa are frequently made with excessive creme de menthe. Now these are amongst some of the yummiest drinks (i.e. polar bears, grasshoppers) that there are, but instead of tasting like refreshing chocolate mints, or minty hot chocolates (only less warm), all too often they end up tasting like toothpaste.

[6.28.00] to drink, or not to drink
                 there is no question.
                 Whether tis time for lunch or suppertime,
                 a priming's always in order,
                 cuz it's always drinking time.

                a poet laureate i never claimed to be

                i went out on yet another walk tonight.. looked up to the sky, and wondered... where heaven lies... does it lie upon the clouds, or is it up somewhere just beyond the clouds... does it sit between our clouds and the rest of the universe... or does it lie beyond our universe... is it on some other plane unbeknownst to us... or does it just lie within the heads of those who believe... does it really matter, or is it just another one of those things that exist solely to ease the mind...

                now why oh why isn't my phoneline working?... another marvel of modern technology...
 

               i had been pondering over why it is that smart people make such stupid decisions, and here basically are the 3 main points i came across...

               i) relativity... when generally "dumb" people do stupid things, 's not really considered dumb or stupid, they're just doing their thing and there's only so many things that they could do that would really seem stupid for them so they don't do as many stupid things... so like, if we take an absolute scale, and say set so many things below a certain threshold of stupidity, different people could all perform all of the said "stupid" things, but those who have a higher intellectual standing would be considered to have done a great deal many more "stupid" things... a total dunce in fact could be reagarded as have being totally themselves... ... ... did any of that make sense?...

               ii) that whole IQ/EQ bullshit... basically, those with book smarts don't necessarily have people smarts and don't know how to act/behave... one could memorize an encyclopedia yet still lack the skill to keep up a 5 minute conversation... i like stories...

               iii) then there's the fact that some of us really just get bored of behaving, acting according to all these bullshit rules and standards and feel like just having fun... falling off a school bus doesn't seem so bad sometimes when you look back on the fun time you had while you were on the school bus... or house... or lamppost...

                and what i have been meaning to get to is why so many *special* people end up fucked up (4500's know what i'm about)... we know what's expected and just stop caring... i mean, as long as you know your role and know where everyone else stands, it's all good, what does it matter what everyone else *thinks*... cuz what do they think/know about the rest of the world, how are their opinions in any way valid or justified in the grand scheme of things?... i know mine aren't, as long as far as i can tell, except in the eyes of those who believe it to be so... i'm just a self-destructive little hedonistic yellow boy, trying to make it in north scarlem and trying to remember when it became ghetto... i live for the now these days, i've given up on planning cuz even the best laid plans can always get screwed over by something totally out of your hands, but then they say, "then why not at least take control of the things you can?"... and i say, why bother, i got enough other things on my mind to think about... i got my own little circle to worry about, everyone else out there can go on worrying about where they'll end up in life, their future assets and screwing each other over in life, i don't have the time for that shit now, i thought i did once, then i grew up... i lived a little, i learned a little... i lost a lot, yet here i am, all the more merrier... just drop it and smile ;-)

"You know, in my opinion, it's sometime's quite good to be absurd. Indeed, it's much better;
it makes it so much easier to forgive each other and to humble ourselves. One can't start
straight with perfection! To attain perfection, one must first of all be able not to understand
many things. For if we understand things too quickly, we may perhaps fail to understand them
well enough. I'm telling you this, you who have been able to understand so much already and
- have failed to understand so much."
                                                                        - The Idiot, Fyodor Dostoyevsky

                So, to those who are wondering what this wee lad has been up to for the last little while, i am now your local professional squgee kid, cheers :-) well, so, i've been thinking again... i wonder how this less-than-yellow child would've turned out if he was raised back on the island... i know well now that i cna't stand the place and one would be hard-pressed to get me to visit there yet alone live there.... yet, i dunno, i'm still intrigued at what a stay there would be like... ... i can't help but wonder... i mean, i could honestly never see myself as a fob, but what if... ugh, perish the thought... maybe vinnie would just remain dormant within til the time arrived.... it's always just a matter of time... and will i suppose...

                i recently toyed with this image of me, i dunno, i see myself as a sphere in a sense, just cuz i kinda see myself as being multi-faceted (don't get the wrong idea though, i don't mean in the sense that i possess many skills or talents in any way...)... every now and then i happen upon something seemingly new about myself, and i got on to this idea of being infitesmally-faceted, and thus a sphere, though then i ponder this contrariety, in one, there must be certain characteristics, sides, that are more prominent than others, in which case, i could not be a sphere, and i guess this must be valid, since if there were infinite sides, than each would be infintely small, and thus negligible for the most part, and then no part of me would really matter, unless everything's just so pact that even the infinitesmally small is enough to hold a substantial amount... or... what if this is just another exemplification of the whole being more than the sum of its parts... do do do...

                the following is a quote from one of those bullshit "magazines" which are primarily a publicity tool (more so than newstand ones), but with "articles" to make it more like a legitimate magaznie, this one is about the popularity of trivia shows on television...

                        "If there's a common thread through all this, it's our growing obsession with pop culture, combined with the steady onslaught of information, delivered over our TVs and on the internet - facts without context, information but knowledge."

                Apparently, this is a good thing. They tell us this of speacilaty channels,

                        "[They have] the effect of encouraging a really narrow range of interests, but deep knowledge within that particular range of interests. It's a win-wind deal..."

                They justify this by saying that if one can show they have knowledge of some really obscure fact on some subject then others "are going to think I'm really smart" and overlook the fact that you're ignorant on all other subjects, and if someone else also happens to know this obscure fact then "the next thing you know, you've bonded."

                I don't think i have much to say about this that i haven't said much about before. The above is what (imho) accounts for a  great deal of the current plight of society. Of course it's not a plight though if one simply chooses to ignore it...
 

"There is an enormous number of such people in the world - far more than it appears;
like all people, they may be divided into two categories: those of 'limited intelligence' and
those who are 'much cleverer'. The first are the happier. For an ordinary man of limited
intelligence, for instance, nothing is easier than to imagine himself to be quite an
extraordinary and original man and to rejoice in that belief without any misgivings. Some
of our young women had only to cut their hair short, put on blue spectacles and call
themselves nihilists, to persuade themselves at once that, having put on their spectacles,
they have immediately acquired 'convictions' of their own. Some men had only to perceive
some faint glimmer of humanitarian feelings in their hearts, to persuade themselves at once
that no one felt as they did and that they formed the avant-garde of civilization. It was
quite enough for someone else to accept without asking any questions an idea he had
heard about, or to read a page at random in some book, to imagine at once that it was 'his
own idea' and that it was conceived in his own brain."
                                                                                                        - The Idiot, Fyodor Dostoyevsky

[5.3.00] i actually started writing this a little before midnight (i think) when i went for my walk, but what do we care for technicalities right...

              i really haven't been keeping in touch much as of late eh?.. dah well, i figured you'd understand... so, new happenings in my life... i'm writing this now on a bench in this quaint little area in my complex (another one of those little things that those spoiled children of fortune take for granted...) nice little lawn, gazebo (which i'm not under it being a little past midnight and all), brick walkway and the whole shazaam... i'm just jotting this down on a little notepad (hey, i'm back in my room now and "my" song's playing ;-) not our song, but my song, to anyone who detects some bitterness, it's not that, it's just there's my song, and our song, not my theme song though, just my "song", so yeah, those are 3 differnt songs...)... and i figure i'm gonna get around to typing this out eventually (which i guess is now) which is what you're reading now... I've been coming out here quite a bit since i've been back, well, not all that much, just those nights when i don't go out with old school clique and didn't get my air (which was relatively frequent when i first just got back and everyone else was still in school...)... i've done a lot of thinking here... i've been reading Freud's interpretation of Dreams, well not so much reading as perusing over when  noone else is online (no, i still can't afford books and i haven't gotten around to copying, pasting and printing that yet...)... the townhouses here are nice... the kinda place i'd eventually like to settle down in one day perhaps (you know, with my 2.3 kids and everytrhing else)... so yeah, dreams, the psyche, and all that kinda stuff intrigues me.

                Now (this is kinda wierd, i was just thinking of this song i couldn't remember exactly and was going over in my head back on the bench and now it's on the radio... moving right along now...) there's this one dream i had back in res that's really stuck with me for some time now... it was after i had met a fair number of oomawn (yes, that's the singular and plural form, i don't particularly like the sound of oomen and weemun refer to a different class, though i guess i use oomawns now and then to avoid confusion when i feel like it...) in this dream, i was in, well, let's just say in as close to a state of bliss as i've been in for awhile (with an unaltered mind...), i had t this amazing place, like with 2 big sorta conjoined dining rooms, each with one of those long ass rectangular dining tables... i'll try to leavev out extraneous details from here on in... in this dream, were so many oomawns, and the intriguing thing was the fact that they all seemed to know each other or at least were getting along chummily... now the highpoint, and partly what has kinda irked me was the fact that i had my oomawn and a helluva time, nothing impious though, you knoow, i'm not about that, and oomawn is pure and wholesome and all good like that, but FUN, oh, how fun... but, what's been vexing me is, try as i may,  i can't remember her face or a name... see, i remember seeing all these other oomawn and them talking and stuff, but can't remember oomawn...

                amongst other things, which i won't mention seeing as how lengthy this has already become, one of the things that inrigued me was the fact that the basic floor plan of the first floor (which was the only floor i really spent time in) was essentially the same as that of our first house, that which i spent most of my childhood (and i guess to this point, my life) in, except that everything was a lot bigger and full of a lot more luxuries... now for the last little while, i've been trying to draw out the basic plan, trying to recollect the details or at least the generaly layout... it was a nice place.. i'm talking about the place in my dream, though the actual house was still far better than any other i've lived in to this point (and numbers quite a few), i speak only of the places we actually paid for of course, those who have taken me in have the most comfy living conditions and they have my utmost gratitude (along with very gracious hearts =)... yeah, so... i've been trying to redraw this floor... actually doodling it out on the very pad on which i'm now writing... i'll go back to toying with that now... i'll let you know how things turn out...

                yeah, then i wrote osmething on my comparison of relationships with ribbons, but i won't bore you with that... so yeah, these pages which i've written all the above crap on will probably be tossesd out soon after i 've typed them out (and you're done reading this)... or who knows...

[5.1.00] sorry, not much to say... i'm content...

[4.26.00] home sweet home... i haven't written in awhile... still don't feel like writing much... society had provided no answers... i love the world... but there's so much to hate... i've been trying to decide whether i hate the world or more or love it more... i came to the conclusion that i love the world, but hate our society... or hate society in general... all so blood useless... that's it for now...

[4.21.00] so these are my last few hours here now... it's funny, i never actually thought of what it would be like now... i dunno... i guess for the longest time it seemed so far away... the end of yet another chapter... *sigh*... reminiscing... i did my time, and it wasn't all that bad... i dunno... i'm at a loss again... i think more than anything the last coupla days, it's been more a feeling of confusion... perplexed... finding out more and more of what i don't know... undiscovered horizons... oi, i'm a stupid little kid... wondering how young i could really be with all these memories now behind... looking in the rearview mirror.. hmph.. somebody out there'll remember that... so few things happened as i expected, but i can't complain, things didn't turn out the way i imagined, but perhaps it was that much better that way... regrets... no, i don't think so, i have tried... i learned my lessons... i've been humbled, celebrated... it comes with time i spose... ... ... now wondering what life will be like back "home"... if things will return to the way they were, or will images etched not erode but stay cast through time rekindling memories of times past...

                 and so, the final moments approach, these are probably the last words i shall ever write from this room... hmm... i really don't have much to say... i guess i'll leave you with these words...
                 • smile
                 • cheers
                 • & God bless

[4.20.00] heehee, yeah, it doesn't make much to cheer me up =) but yeah, i read a different paper today, so a different horoscope... interesting, apparently, tomorrow [I] may find that [my] philosophy is changing slowly but surely. Acceptance and moderation will be the key to getting ahead as well as survival." i dunno, i like life now though... i spose change is good though...

[4.19.00] and so, depression sets in... that much more poignant because it is such a rarity... loneeliness is awful... sleep won't come, i walk, but with no ends in mind, and not sure if one exists for the time being, at least for me... it's an ironic sadness... if i hadn't been so happy as of late, everything would be fine right about now, i could go on looking towards tomorrow, but... it's such a drop... nothing to be done, nothing to do, nowhere to go, nothing to say... i thought those days would never end, but i guess they have, at least for the time being... i think, it's just the fact that i normally avoid everything, or at least divert my attention and thoughts.. but now, there's no diversion near... i'm left to wallow, which i don't feel like doing, but where's the way out?... nothing comes out, empty thoughts, incomprehension...

                i've chosen to disgress for amoment, the television serves as a superb form of entertainment, whisking you away whenever you feel like, b ut as a source of information on the state of things in the world, it's a piece of shit... sometimes i'm shocked at how ignorant the greater part of our society is, other times, i'm not, this is when i'm that much more depressed... i'm not that learned, or well-read... actually i'm not much of anything... i think what's that much more annoying is how many are not only ignorant, but also ignorant in their ignorance... but our society feeds it to us, having us believing that we understand more of what's going on than we actually do... bottom line, our society is dysfunctional, and it doesn't go on despite of that, but because of that...

                and so, i'd like to forget... life continually presents us with a multitude of ups and downs, the great thing is that we are given the time to forget the lows and strive for new highs... the highs stick with us in our mind and give us more reason to go on, and time swallows up the lows leaving only lessons to be learned, and serves to remind us that they can be overcome... but once one gets into the habit of living happily, one doesn't want to change, one grows comfortable and is put at ill ease by the prospect of change, even though that more oppurtunities await... but why can't we remain where we are when all is going well, and there seems to be no reason for change... is it the natural progression of things?... what's natural these days though, ours is an artificial paradise, those who gripe do so perhaps they realize they're ignorance... or are given a false sense of superiority of understanding... there's a lot more to be appreciated beyond the common amusements of everyday life... told to enjoy life and the things they provide, told that this and that will provide us with comfort and happiness... it all starts and ends in the mind though... they can do nothing to affect that, unless you let them, and that's how most people like it... you know how hard it is to project a happy demeanor when inside all you feel is everything but... not that i exactly have life rough... which is why it's that much more annoying confusing... i actually have nothing to complain about... yet, there seems to be something lacking....

                something hit me... but i've forgotten now... it's not even like i don't have sources of happiness lying around... it's just, at least this is real.... or at least as far as i know....

                fighting back, thoughs and memories... a dream all to real... too many that weren't meant to be, leave me searching... what i'm told i'll never find, at least not with some time... i spose time is all i got now...

            and now, i'm genuinely... content... it's a start... on that note, i go to bed

[4.17.00] i should be studying, i know that well... but i can't... i don't know why, i want to sleep, but sleep won't come, so i wait... my mind seems to be either a total blank or just brimming with crap... in either case, not much seems to be staying... at least nothing related to genetics... so i've decided to try a little exercise... i'm just going to put down whatever comes to my head...

               "pigeons and the crumbs, all alone but i'm in a crowded room," Natalie Imbruglia... so much to do... i have time, but it's all going to waste... i'm anti-tech for a reason, it's a tool of the devil, not necessarily the work of the devil, but a tool... i like Tom Jones, shut up, i'm a sap, i readily admit that, i'm human, maybe a little too much so... happiness... loneliness... unstrung thoughts... lack of funds, full of hope... it was cold today, or yesterday, but it was warm the day before so it's koo, since that was when it really mattered... is chicken soup that much better for the soul than liquor?... i can't afford to eat any more, good thing my body's adapted to it... it's *probably* not that healthy though, so i force myself to eat... mind over matter... why is the cure for cancer so difficult to come by?... i now withold any responsibilty for what i write hereon, it's not that late, i'm not that tired, still, my mind's.. well, yknow...

                it's not that i don't like studying... okay, actually it is, but it's not like i don't know the importance of it or anything, i recognize the importance of academia, it's just i prefer to live, and believe you me, there are a helluva lot of people (around here especially) that'd prefer studying to living... i know the feeling of success, failure, love, hate, pain, tears, and all the rest, and i've come to the realization that it's never the same, there's more to do than just learn from your mistakes... i walk into walls, doors, and shitloads of other inanimate objects all the time, i wouldn't say i'm all the better for it, but hey, i'm a dumbass little kid, what more do you want?.. i know now that the world is truly full of ignorant incompetent morons, but also, that the world, our society especially, needs these to run.... we live in a dysfunctional society, accept it, it functions but... dysfunctional people (me case in point) funtion... because our world is soooo far from utopian, it's better off that everyone and everything's just fucked up, this way we can't tell the difference, for the most part that is, i won't talk of a bullshit matrix or anything that someone else has concocted out of their imagination (though it is a rather ingenious concept i'd admit, and great movie, well pulled off, albeit maybe not the most original, though few things are these days), i can talk of the veil, but if you have the time to read through all my ramblings and can actually make out half of it, i assume you have a fair idea of what veil i speak of.... we are a society of ignorant try-hards... we are raised and moulded that way, that is how we will fit into society... okay, train of thought slipped, i told you, this is what happens in my head, welcome to my world... i'll get back to this though, don't worry, yes

                    i've discovered what seems to be the root of the greater part of my misery (not that there is a great deal, but for what there is...), i'm a homely little ghettochild, a nothing from nowhere, who has a tendency to fawn over fairy-tale type princesses... therein, you see, lies my problem... i'm not one who rests all his happiness on an unrealistic love, you know i live in a happy world... problem being, when such fancies hit, they seem to take the view of everything else to a new level, a higher happiness, unfortunately, it inevitably falls, and drops everything along with it, thus, leaving me to collect the pieces and regroup again, which usually isn't necessarily the most trouble, just annoying as anything, that much more so cuz i can see it solely as a consequence of my own idocy... foolish dreams... at least i have dreams though... and thus, a future...

                i'm anti- pretty much everything, except happiness and knowledge... and wisdom, but i can't speak much of the latter, due to my lack of knowledge there... it's not that i hate the world or anything, it's just that there's so much to hate... mind you, there's a lot more to be happy for and to celebrate... not to mention to drink to... i've thought i've writing a book, or something substantial... but once again, i'm a dumbass lacking any initiative... actually no, i have plenty of initiative, just never the follow through....

                all men are not created equal (i'm a student of science, not a very successful one, but one nonetheless)... isn't that why we're to celebrate our differences?... the thing to strive for is to treat everyone equally, even if they may not be equal... "truth, justice, and liberty for all"... a laudable goal, but, hee hee, i'm sorry, they're americans...

                the power of love is the greatest force lying within man, from it, stem courage, honesty, pride, security and a whack of other things that i can't think of how to convey right now, good things don't have to come to an end, those who believe they do simply have let them do so... some things are worth keeping forever... til death and then some... i hate mind games... i'm still a slave to them though... such is my plight, as i end up kicking my own ass time after time...

                ah, *sigh* shot down again, okay, i give up... for now...

[4.16.00] this place is a hole, a hole with many dumbards, make no mistake about that... i long established that, and am not one to go back on my words, but as with any place, no matter how horrible or unbearable, one occasinally... eventually meets others who make the whole experience more bearable, maybe even enjoyable... i've griped a lot since i've been here, i'll admit that, but now with less than a week til i leave what has been home for the past 8 months, i recollect the fond memories (few and far between as they were at times) and can't help feeling at least a pang of malaise.... what made those, who have seen me through this time, more remarkable, was the fact that i found them in a place like this... bound together by a common free-spirit, and an unwillingness to let the burdens that they try to place on our shoulders weigh us down, the want of better things, and the urge to live... as oppose to succumb... you have given me memories that won't be forgotten (assuming i was in a state to remember them at the time), you have lived life with me, drank with me, shared my happiness, listened to my words, shared, and given me now reason to regret having to leave, but as per usual, those worth even half a damn to me will always have a place in my heart (and be somewhere in what's left of my mind), and rest assured, most of you are worth quite a bit more than half a damn to me... and to you all, i drink... sadly, not tonight (i know), but for the rest of the days to come, rest assured no matter where i am and where are you, i'll be, drink in hand, thinking of you... live life, drink milk... but more importantly, live your life, drink some liquor, and learn what life is really about...  

[4.13.00] i have... peace of mind, beacause i know i am where i am now because of me and my actions, given, a the words, thoughts and actions of many have nudged me along the way, but, no matter who sets the rules, who is watching me, who tries to control my thoughts or the way in which i think, i recognize, and i shun... the mind is a wonderous thing, non?

[4.12.00] yes, i am an opinionated elitist bastard, but those of you who know me already know that, and that's why love y'all, we're beyond opinions and judgement, we know better... we are who we are... bound by that beyond definition, i drink to y'all cuz i know you love it :)

[4.10.00] i have no need to lock my door when i leave, my most valuable assets are invested in others, namely my heart in friends.... and family... i spose...

            i am Canadian, born and raised, proud and true, i read, write, speak, comprehend, communicate in canadian... i cannot stand people who spell things the "American" way... learn to spell things right or stay in your forsaken hole...

[4.07.00] somebody's lovestruck... went off, alone, to a quiet place (indoors, free of intoxicants, i know what you're thinking) but yeah, i went to study, cuz y'know, to better myself, get some credentials, not so much so i can help people but so'll they'll let me help them, yeah, so what if an alcoholic pot-head discovers the cure for cancer (not that i'm either of the above), it won't be worth a damn til one with "credential" re-presents it with some bs extraneous data that he used to prove that it was indeed right, and they were all just too ignorant to realize it, or accept it... but i want to do it for my kids more than anything else, so they'll know i'm more than a nothing... sure if they accept the result after my death they can still be proud, but i dunno... it's not the same, and not just out of conceit, but i'd like to be there and see their reaction, and show them that a nobody, anybody, can become and do what they want... there world is yours my friend, take it or leave it, i'll take any little extra serving i can get...

"I want to believe in the power of
 smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth,
 justice, peace, dreams, the imagination,
 mankind, and making angels in the snow."

[4.06.00] c'est amoré, viva amoré, okay, so i'm tongue-tied... at a lost for words, i'm allowed to now and then aren't i?... just be happy for me, you know i would for you  ;-)

[4.04.00] yeah, i reclaim my rightful title as resident alcoholic... amongst other things too now :-) but, i dunno, i love life, i love people, i hate being lonely... so boring... vita bellus... my latin's rusty, or actually, non-existent, i just throw stuff together and hope it sounds good... you know what would sound sooooo goooooooda?.... gahhhh =D~~~

            y'know, i have this whole love-hate thing with the cold, i can't stand staying out in it for extended periods of time,  but sometimes, it makes you feel just so alive... and i like living... i think it's kinda stupid, or at least it sucks that we've put so much emphasis on survival... or living well, instead of just living :) how many people, toil their lives away for something "better" all the while, never truly living... *sigh*

[4.03.00] yeah, umm, i had some thoughts on the way back, but yeah, i forgot them, go figure... so, i've come to this realization, i still have no idea where the fuck i'm headed in life, but i do realize this, i have much to be grateful for, and on the top of that list, are of course, my friends, well, ya family, they've kept me alive and kicking, and i'm forever indebted to the greater part of youse, but my fy friends have been the one that have shown me the way, lived life with me, and thankfully, made sure i get my good nights' sleeps and don't choke on my vomit, youse all, i be forever indebted to and you all know that, you know i wouldn't last a minute out there without all youse, well, 'k, maybe i would, but it sure as hells wouldn't be as fun ;-) much love as per usual, i take my rest now...

[4.02.00] heh, so yeah... i guess i've pretty much turned into one of those kids my parents always warned me about... but hey, in all sincerity... i lovem... like i love all people, with the exception of those dumb, loud, obnoxious ignorami as per usual, but... life is good, we're all really just fun-loving happy people, let us be ;-)

[3.31.00] ... upon waking up, i had a strange sensation... first off, i at a loss as to how i ended up in bed with the door closed and the lights off... secondly, i never thought a hang-over could feel so good... mind you, it was a mild one, but my it's been awhile... it was surprisingly pleasent, in that it wasn't too painful... remnants of inebriation, served me well throughout the day... needless to say, i was in another one of those giddy moods... i am greateful for all my friends, for all those who have gotten "happy" with me, and got me "happy"... i hold dear those who care enough to tell me to refrain from some of the more illicit and perhaps less healthy forms of happiness... as well as those who trust  me enough to make decisions in my own best interest... today, i love the world, i hate cs, off for some happiness, and a higher state... take care, much love ;-)

[3.26.00] ...so i attended my party where "strange customs may prevail"... and i must say, i most thoroughly enjoyed it, twas a most joyous affair :-)

[3.22.00] got to thinking... of the irony of fridges, a/cs, amongst other things... that use energy, to remove energy... now, i don't know how much energy get's removed at such and such settings off the top of my head, nor do i feel like doing the appropriate calculations at this time, but i'm sure that there must be someway to harvest this energy... but of course, it may not be in the economic interest of most to do so...

[3.21.00] i'm thankful that i look at least composed if nothing else... somewhat disconcerting thought rests in the back of my mind, i have been given all the gifts i could ask for in life, yet squandered them all away... i've made nothing of anything... still no regret... today, today... i'll see... hmmm... i think they could really use beer to as a nutritional beverage... i mean, think of the great amounts already consumed, i mean all current benefits aside, think of how much more they could do, if they could just get a few more minerals and vitamins in there... hmmm....

[3.20.00] wow, i've been in a good mood for the most part as of late, interesting, seeing as how i'm watching part of me drain away into some... abyss is overused, but you get the idea... i got to thinking... of my mental dissertations.. on a number of things, the usual, evolution, being a student of life... and more specifically, man screwing up the role of evolution and, i wouldn't say playing god, but playing with god... and y'know, we're gonna lose big... then there's the forsaken supeficial education of dumbards in instituions of all types instilling facts into heads which really know not what to do with them, it becomes regurgitation more than anything else, and certainly not understanding, or appreciation... then there's segregation in general, abound here, not racism or necessarily prejudice of any type, just the intrinsic antiscoialability of the masses here... or not so much antisociality necessarily as it is an unwillingness to intermingle... this is why my current institute of education has so many yearning to leave, honestly, the only types staying are those that knew no social excitement, who are content to stay in the rut that this hole forces one into... gah, i gotta "study"... i'll write up a more formal presentation of my conjectures some time in the future, but for now, we drink... err study... doh

[3.19.00] some might be led to believe that i have an ego issue... but i rather think of myself as a sympathetic elitist :) see, that wouldn't even be so much of an issue if there weren't so many dumbards... i think it's time for a change... well, i know i could always change for the better since i'm nowhere near perfection as of yet and don't think i'll be getting there anytime soon seeing as how things are going...

[3.18.00] one should not drink to do something, but rather drink for the sake of drinking... this is less likely to result in alcoholism then one might be led to believe. if one drinks in an attempt to accomplish something, it is more likely to distract one from the task at end, whereas if one only drinks to drink, then they can resume tasks at hand when convenient and avoid distractions then... drinking should not be a means but an end in itself, drink merely for the drink, to drink, for the glory of the drink... drinking (along with other mind-altering activities that i need not mention) spark creativity and can bring forth insights, but some say they prevent one from accomplishing more important things... of course, sometimes it is only in a state of inebriation when one hits upon some greater meaning... they say it was not so much patriotism or loyalty that has won us our wars, but rum, which sparked courage and purged fears...

[3.17.00] it perplexes, how the mere mention of the words, pig or vagina can invoke such a stir within a university class room... i understand how it was when we heard these words for the first time and discovered what they represented, back in elementary school, and my, they did seem most humourous back in the day... but m'lord, it's been 10-15 years since... how is it that so many have not yet been able to move on... oi, leads to such skepticism about the future...

[3.16.00] went blading for the first time in months... thankfully, "blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, for they never cease to be amused"... tired and sleepy/inebriation awaits/tomorrow, we drink... so i've resorted to pseudo-haikus, i refrain from actually calling them haikus since they lack the "moment, sensation, impression or drama of a specific fact of nature" registered or indicative of haikus...

[3.14.00] the light is still on/i lay here now awaiting/slumber yet to fall
                my dog, how you run/i see you so merrily/oh to be like you
                me, here, waiting/she, somewhere, far away/oomawn, can't be found

[3.13.00] to those who question english's place in the education system, i ask you to simply talk to any number of people you meet, anywhere... it doesn't so much astound me as it does depress me when faced with the number of those who can't seem to express thoughts in a clear and/or logical manner (myself not withstanding)... perhaps their methods could be better, or they emphasize the wrong aspects, but the need is there... even if you read, anything outside "great" literary works of the past, periodicals especially, it becomes all too evident the lack of education it takes to write anything to be considered "substantial" nowadays... read editorials, "letters to the editor," reviews, pleb mag articles... we've reached an age where we ask for no more than headlines that grab and entice, we need nothing more, who has the time to read anything with length enough to mean anything... just take our digested dissertations and pull anything out that the proles think that they might understand and can relate to... it'll make them feel good and important, like they know what's going on with the world... *sigh* useless bunch... and you question my cynisism...

            science and maths teach us how to do things and perhaps how to think, but it is the arts and humanities which ultimately give us an understanding and greater appreciation for things... the true scientician or mathematologist is thus, in their own regards, a true artist....

            there are times when i feel like body and mind, are just so independent, both doing they're own thing, then others when the mind, body, some might even say soul seem to meld together... latter tends to occur more while i'm listening to music.... just another note i thought i'd share... not very deep, but then again, i'm not a very deep boy... i leave to watch yet another sunrise

            plucked, the chord of despair, thankfully not within our clique though...

[3.12.00] okie doke, so, i've decided to add a little colour to this, y'know, just in case some of you were getting the idea that i'm just a sombre morose little boy... well, hear me now, how my spirits have been lifted again, *sigh* i love my spirits :-) well, so, think i've lost the ability to differentiate between idle infatuation and being enamoured, just as well though, perhaps i'm all the better for it... what more is chivalry than civility towards women?... see boy sit/see boy think/think boy think/boy is blue/boy needs love/see boy wait...

[3.11.00] new hope, happiness... do the gentlemanly thing, chivalry has become too old hat, but perhaps all for the better... like so many things that become appreciated more by their absence...

[3.10.00] i just don't care anymore...

                what ever will be, will be, so let it be... "practicality, economy of motion, power, simplicity and directness" are key... as in all areas... *sigh* sticker pics, this is what technology has amounted to... self-discovery of artificially synthesized sensations on a traumatized palate... or fanciful reminiscing...

                and so, five days now i've stayed up long enough to watch sunrise and and sunset... tonight, tonight we drink, but today, today we sleep...

            i've learned that there are times when 2 dollars for a beer is simply exorbitant, and there are times when 20 dollars for the warmth of a mickey of rye is perfectly justifiable...

[3.09.00] sat in a tree watching the sunrise... then sat some more... mind revitalized, but body seems to yearn for more... or less to be precise... why is it that such a multitude of our schedules are set around the sun?... so much to do during the day, but so much can be done during the night...

[3.08.00] signs of hypochondria... narcolepsy + insomnia + diabetes... ?... 2 more days til i get to sleep... still wondering if its justified to call it an all-weeker if i naps during the day... thus far it's been 3 all-nighters and counting...

[3.07.00] pain is nature's way of reminding you you're human, and alive... i feel no need for some lame "always under construction" sign/statement on these pages... those who know me, know i never complete a damn thing, and those who didn't, now you do...

            i have discovered my system of values... that i would put a coherent, no cross that, an enlightening, or simply thought-provoking conversation ahead of assignments, past due, and soon to be due... society employs enough drones as it is, lacking any independent thought processes, passing judgement based solely on knowledge that has been instilled in them through the masses... if this is what lies ahead, i aim to stray... i believe that 4 hours a night-day is all one requires to lead a perceivingly normal life... or at least day-night... if i'm wrong i blame it on my perhaps somewhat awry judgement...

        scrounging up sleep like leaves in a scrapbook these days, i treasure everyone, i recognize that although there exist plenty in nature, it may not be worth my while to pick up every piece i can, it is up to me to decide when, to pick up... those which i choose to gather, i do because it seems the thing to do...

        sleep is for the weak... or the tired... my time will come... cursed with a cunning and a conscience of comparable magnitudes... what to do but let them duke it out... anything else would be holding back the self in a way... id has been lucking out... but could the tides turn?...

[3.06.00] so the inward struggle in continues, i hold my stand, showing but one moment of weakness so far, probably all the better... it wasn't for me, it's what wishes are made ;-) ...i was thinking what a better place the world to be if it consisted only of.... let's called them "enlightened" people, since i think the other term would seem even more ego-centrical... yes, that may not be a word... but if the world were purged of all the ignorami that plague it now, there would be so much more caring, and consideration given to the things that matter... it's all the plebs... well, the ignant ones at least, i guess the rest have some utility... but then i guess they really wouldn't be plebeian since that seems to be characterized by sheer ignorance and a general lack of utility, at least in our society... yes, it seems they are what slows down the advancement and betterment of the world.... but then an afterthought... perhaps this is nature's way of preventing us from getting too far ahead of ourselves... hmmm....

            egads, awoke from a disturbing dream to the sound of my alarm, just in time for tutorial today... it was most horrendous... the dream... well, i spose the tutorial too... sooo sleep inducing... which i suppose given my state generally isn't all that bad a thing...

            he who is wise, knows better than to think so, and has no need to say so...

[3.05.00] I usually don't write stuff over the weekends, just cause i'm usually home and have somewhat better things to do (ie. sleep)...

[3.03.00] oi, okay so it's quarter past two in the morning and i'm typing relatively legibly, so shows what you all know.. okay, i'm gonna bum some insta food... .... ... i'm waiting.... ... ... ... ... i gotta urinate... but still waiting.... aheh ah ah ah ah..... woo hoo, mission complete... woohoo, so i'm eating my noodles now... contemplating not much... other that how much i enjoy these noodles   :-) okay, i now *only* have gentics and... some other crap to do... to those who doubt the power of the inebriated mind, i'll show you yet... aight, now to learn me some genetics and... sql?!... okay.... ... ... i think i'm fucked.... okay... still a good four hours til i have to wake up.. aie, shiet... ino ther words... 4 hours to learn/finish this shiet.... ehh heh.... :-( .... aight i'm gone work now...

                    okay, fuck, half an hour til i have to wake up now and waddya know, i did fall asleep, so i'm fucked, yet again, in the bad way... oh, and i fell asleep on my homework so it's all crumpled =\ you know what... every time this happens i've notived one thing... somehow i always manage to find some food and "cook" something up before i pass out... maybe it's one of those pseudo -survival mechanisms.... hmmm.... i need more salty snacks, something besides just crackers, which are just sooooo damn dry... doh.....

                    doh, my alarm just went off.... one of them at least... i never realized i set them that early... i set them a bit early on purpose cuz i always snooze, which proves to be a problem since i donn't actually have a snooze button.... but it's not even 7.... gahhhhhh......

                    eww, shiet, sooo much more laundry to do... sometimes, i go so long without speaking, that i just seem to forget the sound of my own voice.... ah well, it's probably pretty annoying anyways...

                i draw "nice" flies apparently... perplexed by these sensations that ail me... lightheadedness + giddiness + queasiness + hunger + simple indescribale.... undesirable... cravings... ?... throbbing, or so it seems... I've something to do that cannot wait... something to say, but thought passes... inconprehensible thought processes still... sleep evades me... time to buy my one way ticket... so i *sigh*...

                oh my god, such a dream i just had, divided into two parts somewhat, two chapters, scenes if you will... i shall continue, there was the pre-party preparations and then the actual party...

                Pre-party preparations: i get back home, i can't remember if anyone was home when i came in... but mother dearest is the first one i recall seeing... i remember cooking... or attempting to aid mother in doing so... big pot of beef broiling in water?... i remember wondering how long it would take... it didn't seem awkward for me to find a big slab of beef in a pot of boiling water... i believe mother wasn't expecting me home that evening... she seemed to me to be preparing a lot of food though... it's taking the beef awhile to cook... in retrospect, i don't recall the pot being on any sort of heating element for the most part...

                Party: most enjoyable soirée :-)  only i can't remember what the one was called or what she looked like... puts one ill at ease...

[3.02.00] okay, so now it is the second... so was wondering, whether the reaper is a liegeman to the devil or to the lord himself... it could kinda be taken that he's doing either's work... or is his really just freelance work... doing as so he sees fit... was also wondering why is it that Canadian smokes need health warnings while American (and other) ones don't... i mean, i can understand the toxic constituents... but c'mon we're not as ignorant as those folk...

            i think some people still think i don't know their names, just cuz i rarely call them by it... now, listen here, see, there are few people who i actually call by their name just b/c i don't find it that necessary, and it's not out of disrespect or anything, i just figure, look, if i know you well enough to carry on a conversation with you i probably know your name, if not i'd have asked you for it by now...

[3.01.00] okay, i was kinda freaked this morning, when i went to set my alarm cuz my pager said it was march 2, and i thought it was only the 1st... of course i had no idea how long i had actually slept for "yesterday" so i was just kinda lost... didn't help that my other clock said it was march 24th... anyways, it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood today... i came to pondering several things... whys is that good women seem to always go for bastards?.. and that the good always die young... not to say that all those that live long are bad... such is the plight of those who strive for goodness in these times... smart people make dumb choices... kinda disconcerting... if so much of our brain goes unused, could there be some way to direct all the ill-balancing chemicals in our head to those regions?... i was wondering... if i could teach myself to write fluidly with my left hand could i be teaching myself to be more creative too on some level?...

                staying awake is really begin to be too much of a burden...

                sometimes i wonder, how much longer i'm going to remain in this little world of mine, where knowledge and righteousness actually mean something... i've retained the title of alcoholic-jitz-playing-cancer boy of this hole for now... but i'll purge my system of all this yet... and become the literary doctor boy some have already gotten a glimpse of... all in due time...

            hee hee, sometimes, i get this feeling, like in the "sub-cockle area" of my heart... i'm as giddy as a school boy could be... or should be... no reason really, don't ask... *sigh*... yeah, you can guess... anyways, even that rarely manifests itself... except maybe when i'm with my 4500 compatriots... or playing jitz... or in some other distorted states of mind...
 
[2.29.00] sooo sleepy... woke up at like 4 in the afternoon today.... just in time for a shower and dinner : ) ... watched my simpsons... another productive day in the books... anyways, it's like the extra day of the year, so i didn't really miss out on much...

[2.28.00] i am the guy who frequently wanders the paths around village at night... yes, guy... no longer a boy (though my heart might disagree) yet not quite a man (though other organs might disagree)... 

              aight, a good solid 2 hours of sleep... almost... now to see, shall i be humbled by my impending exams, or will it be shown that the material of any course can be covered in the course of one day + night... i await any row about to come my way... the countdown begins... 10 more hours...

           okay, forget this, school sucks... but i guess i'm stuck here til i find my true vocation... oi, i think i'm getting more moody by the day sometimes... don't think it manifests itself much though... so like, feeling :-) ...then... bah, sending a big fuck you to the world... but instead i greet with a fine how do you do... for apperances sake if nothing else... you know how it is... diu, fucking with the chemical balance in my head a *tad* too much?... perhaps... tah well, everything in moderation.... i find it amusing how easy it is for some university people to impress themselves... (i'll leave it at people for now cuz i really don't feel justified in calling most of them students... seems like studying their own ass could keep em occupied a good deal...) all it seems to take is a little knowledge and a lot of ignorance, which apparently is abound around here... maybe i'm a bit too cynical at times... or just too real... over-compensation... lord already knows i can be more than a *tad* over-analytical... show it to me staight and i'll still look for that deeper meaning which all too often doesn't seem to be there... but i'll just make it up along the way...

            now, let's think for a sec, is this me writing or just an alter-ego?... or not even, just an assumed identity... so dreary is my life... i've been having a good hair day... relatively speaking, since i don't recall having any day which i woulda called an absolute good hair day... not that i dwell on such things normally either... but it's a pleasent change... of course now i just look like any other oriental guy.... spose it's just as well... probably would either way... spose now at least i look like a kempt oriental guy...

            sometimes, i wonder, if i'm presented so often with cbcs and fobs just as a test of my inner strength... or even just tolerance... some of the most useless people one can be faced with... i spose to exist in our society we must learn to coexist and "respect" (psh) others... even if they are totally lacking in utility... maybe they're there to test our patience, to see if we can suppress that deep down inner urge to punchem in the face... but is it a sign of inner strength or meekness, when one holds back the punch... ah, phoo, they can take my cuteye for now...

            countdown continues... 3 more hours to go...

        and so we engaged... in what was to be a battle of wits, but no, it had gone far beyond that by now... we knew, only one of us would leave by the hour's end... Calc and i grappled in a most sanguineous melee... a contest between two who most abhored each other...  and i layed forth a barrage of trite expressions and explanations and kept my opponent holding his ground most tryingly... and i continued hurling random  letters from roman and greek alphabets tossing random numbers into the mix, weighing down my adversary in the shanty-formulas that were forming, and so, as i saw him waning, i layed forth my final blow, a most formidable deluge of obscure tripe to justify my actions to those who would judge my performance, satisfying myself in the knowledge that most mathies had the literary prowess of, but... well, a mathie... (i really wanted to come up with something a little more scathing, but really, nothing comes to mind... and in all honesty i' don't think i'm operating at full capacity...) and i left the field... scathed and embittered, by the foul battle that i was forced to take part in... but i stood tall... twas my hour...

        then the hour ended... and as i hobbled away having been ever-so-slighty crippled by the most wretched fiend who had fouled my hands and mind, physio observed a promising oppurtunity... almost blindsiding me, the lowly scoundrel jumps me, but i counter-maneuver... forcing upon me a most extensive selection of inquiries into the inner workings of my body, it made it's presece felt... but no, i would not be bullied... though my tripe would be of no assitance to me now, i found a helping hand from my cognitive powers... puah, this day is mine... and so a most bloody battle ensued... but all throughout no doubt enters my mind, for i know, that those with the courage to take on such foul beings will prevail... it is to be so... so that no others will have to bow down to such hindering marplots... the day has been a victory... and i lay down now, to some well deserved rest... imo

        then i wake up... and realized it was all only hopeful self-fulfilling prophecy... which it was not... and so i left with a hopelessly deflated ego... amongst other things... there must be a better way to learn humility...

    [2.27.00] Oi, and technically it's the next day now... and i'm munching on my now emancipated beef "ravioli"... ow, banged my head on the lamp this morning, 4ish i think... stilll making it's effects felt... damn you forsaken lamp... actually i guess th is one isn't as forsaken... hte last one was... never stayed in it's place... finally they made do with him and got me my present lamp... sweet precious lamp... why you so vindictive?...

                    I awake from my slumber, and realize it's time to get my ass in gear... coming back early to "study" didn't really work out quite as planned.... sometimes... i think... what a mental reject i am.... then i remember all the other people at university and i don't feel so bad...

                   It impresses me how those people who keep daily journals/diaries can find something new and interesting to write each day... i spose when sustenance is lacking they do just make them up so they can at least look back and think fondly of earlier days... maybe i should just do the same... I talked to doctor oomawn (#1) today... we had a deep intellectual discourse on the state of higher educational institutions these days... i think she took a liking to me... life is good... ... of course, then looking back i'd probably just remember the truth and sink into a state of deeper depression... let's try to remedy this... i didn't talk to doctor oowman today *sigh*... but all in due time... b/c i have faith that my ship will come in... and doctor oomawn will be aboard... tomorrow... tomorrow...

                    My highlighter smells like oranges... only i don't know if it actually does or if my mind's just toying with me and compensating for something else... ah well, at least it's non-toxic...

                    Fire is the devil's only friend.... so is man at fault for providing the devil with his only companion?... hmmmm

               Oi, eventually fell asleep just lying there staring into oblivion... sleep is good... another one of those things i've come to appreciate more through withdrawal... hmmm... you know, i thought it would be rather amusing, if i eventually went insane, i dunno, soon, or sometime in the distant future, but either way, it's like, somewhere in all this there might be signs of my judgement ebbing interspersed here and there... that'd be interesting... then you people could say, ooh, i saw it coming... it was all just a matter of time...

    [2.23.00] have you ever stared into a nutshell, or the heart of a flower? and thought for just a moment that you grasped all that you previously did not.... only to have it all flee, as quickly and with as much notice as it had come... watched a puff of smoke, and think, wow, 600+ chemicals.... looked into cafe food and wonder the same?... looked into your eyes, only to wonder what you were staring at... listen... no doubt, no fear... understand... try... let it be, or make it happen...

    [2.21.00] words left unsaid, doubt clouds the mind, all things happen for a reason, sheep go to heaven, goats go to hell.... words come to mind, but, idle thoughts push forth... i'd rather be playing jitz... i have an attention span... as long as it needs to be... it's diversified... if need be i'll turn back to my literary undertaking...

    [2.12.00] it is true that it comes as no surprise to me, that i am my own worst enemy, b/c every now and then i do kick the living shit out of me, the smoke alarm is going on and there's a cigarette still burning... but i know why the car is in the front yard... sleep deprived, i keep on writing.... don't forget the things i said when i was drunk, emancipated from inhibitions... why is it that we've come to equate a lack of inhibition with stupidity?... what is this common sense they speak of?... is that what we're striving for, to be, think, feel in the same manner?... to be another commoner... *sigh*... the commoner has not pushed us ahead, it has been those who transcended the 'common sense'... strive for a better sense and leave the plebs with theirs...