| A year has passed... |
| I find it difficult to believe that it's been a year since my life changed so dramatically. Firstly, I never believed I'd survive, and secondly, I never thought that I would be able to say one year later, that I am so much happier than I was. But I am. A lot, I would have to say, was sheer good fortune. I am in another relationship, which incidentally is coming up on a year together. I have wonderful friends, and no matter what, my family was good to me too. But part of it too was my own strength. They say what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. I'm getting awfully tired, hell, I am awfully tired of proving it all the time, but hey, it means I can survive. Anyone ever read Josephine Hart's "Damage"? VERY good book. But one sentiment in it that I will never forget and that helps me be strong is this: "Damaged" people, people who have been hurt or abandoned, are dangerous. Why? Because we know we can survive. We know we don't need anyone, least of all whoever we're in the relationship with. We know that if it no longer fulfills our needs or our wants, we can walk out the door and wake up in the morning still breathing. Think about it...such power! We can survive! We can keep going, keep functioning, until our hearts heal and then we can go on. Don't get me wrong: I'm not saying it's easy as pie, that there won't be uncertainty and pain. But what I am saying is we have an advantage over the novice ex-boyfriend/girlfriend, because we know that there is something beyond the recovery stage. We know that life goes on, and that gives us hope. So yeah, I'm doing fine. I'm alive and breathing. I have my ups and downs, my relationship's not perfect, but I'm still living. So here's the question that some of you might have on their minds: What about my ex? What about how deeply I felt for him? Good question. Did I truly love him with everything I was worth? Yes. Would I have laid down my life for him had he needed it? Oh yes. Do I still love him now? No. No I don't. Stop sputtering and let me explain. When I went out with him, he was a cute, sweet doofy boy, unsure but caring and trying. Somewhere along the line, those qualities which I loved disappeared. He suddenly, or at least, I realized it suddenly, became almost cold to me, I had finally become too much for him to handle. We fought, so much. There were tears and arguments, and eventually it seemed he stopped caring enough to resolve them. There's one I will never forget...we were arguing while he was on his lunch break from work -- actually the fight had not been resolved since the night before -- when he called me. When he had to go, he said "I love you," and I didn't answer, because I wasn't sure at that moment, and he just hung up. Hindsight is 20/20. My relationship with my ex was deteriorating long before we broke up. And that helped me move on. Because I realized that we had grown apart long before the words were spoken. I had gotten over him before we had ended the relationship. So here I am, a year later, standing tall, ready to move on. My ex and I occassionally speak, but not really. That chapter is over. And a new one continues... I don't know how often I'm going to update this now, but I am doing something else: www.livejournal.com/users/stratospheric1. Start your own, maybe it'll help. Thanks for listening. ~ Kat |