Another day has gone by. Another sun rose this morning, shining with hope and the promise of discovery. Another moon came up over me, lying cold with despair in our bed. I try my best to keep those grim feelings at bay; I refuse to give up. Yet sadness weighs like lead within me. The clock has become a bullet hole, bleeding me dry. It hurts me with its hollow sound. Alone another night. I'm slowly unwinding without you. I need to have you near me again. I feel so alone.
Without you, I can still feel your arms around me. I know it's only in my mind, that I'm talking to myself and not to you. But it helps me just to imagine; I'm able to keep at least some tenuous hold on what's left of my sanity.
My only consolation in this sad world is my work. It gives me prupose; the hope of finding you sustains me. Doggett is no longer such a pain in the ass to work with. He seems to have settled in all right, though I know he would rather be out on the streets of New York, catching bank robbers instead of hunting aliens with his crackpot--albeit brillian--partner. People have taken to calling me "Mrs. Spooky." I rather like the connotations, but I will gladly give the monicer back to its rightful owner...sans the "Mrs." of course. I've taken on the role of resident believer, one you would be quite proud of, I hope.
Sometimes I feel you so near me, like I could turn around and there you'd be, grinning and offering me sunflower seeds. I went over to your apartment again yesterday. (Your fish miss you.) Your presence there is so strong, like a part of you stayed behind to watch over us...Melissa would be so happy if she heard that. But you weren't there, Mulder. All I saw was the empty space where you used to stand. A hole in the sky to match the one in my heart. I'm alone in the world, alone in life.
No. No, not totally alone. When the ache for you becomes unbearable I simply touch a hand to my stomach and I can feel you. Our baby, Mulder, *our baby*. We created life, a whole new being. The doctors tell me everything is fine, normal. I saw a sonogram today, and I swear our child has your nose. I hold on for this child--our son. I hold on to this last tangible piece of you in my life. It's just so hard sometimes. I wish I could hold you one more time, feel the soft warmth of your lips against mine. I've nearly forgotten what that feels like. I wish I could run my fingers through your mop of hair; as much as I complained about it, I always thought it was endearing. I wish you could watch the videotape of our child growing within me. I wish I could hold your hand when we walk through the halls. I can hardly sleep without your arms encricling me, without the feel of your flesh against my flesh. I'd like to watch you sleep at night, to hear you breathe by my side. Our bed is oh so cold, and though I can sleep what side I want, it's not the same with you gone. I come into your office--*our* office--and all I see is the place where you should be. I see me sitting in your lap at the computer chair. I see you kissing me hello in the mornings, even though we arrived in the same cab. And I see us making love on the desk, the door locked behind us. I don't let Doggett sit on that desk, you know. Some things are sacred.
Oh, I sound as though I speak of the dead. I refuse to even think that you're not alive. I'd feel it if you died. I pray each night that you are safe, and that the nightmares I have of you are simply that: nightmares. If they are not, if you're really going through all that pain and torment, then may my strength be with you and give you hope to hold on. I'll find you, Mulder. I'll find you and set you free. Then you can feel your baby kick within me. Then you can cradle our child in your arms. Then we can both heal, physically and emotionally. I miss you, my love. But I'll never give up. If it takes a thousand years, you *will* hold your baby. For that child, for you, for my soul, I'll keep searching.
Hold on; I'm not too far away. Though we are worlds apart, my world begins and ends in your eyes. I'm on my way. Endure it, for our reunion will be all the sweeter for missed time. Goodbye for now, my love.
Eternally yours, Scully