Introduction: This one takes a bit of backstory, and even then you may not truly appreciate the humor of it. Actually, in all honesty, if you don't know who this is about, then you probably won't enjoy it at all. But I thought I'd put it here anyway for the sake of nostalgia. In high school, a friend of mine and I were comparing ourselves to characters in the Valdemar series written by Mercedes Lackey. We lovingly (and jokingly) dubbed ourselves Tarma and Kethry, happily equating ourselves with two of our favourite characters. Though Tarma never really stuck for me, she still sometimes uses Kethry as her online persona. I did, however, keep us amused with various Tarma and Kethry related antics. For example, she still has the Tarma and Kethry stick figure comic strip in which they meet and have homicidal urges toward the Power Rangers (my first venture into fanfiction, perhaps?). This story sort of came from the same 'mental place'.

However, there is another side to it as well. It is less a fanfic than it is an author insert fic in which myself and my friends are depicted. I used Tarma and Kethry as a "cover", though anyone with a brain (or at least those who knew us) would be able to tell what was going on. I had this problem with boys in high school...there were a few who would often make rather overt attempts at, er, flirting. It was really pathetic and I wasn't interested, but I could never bring myself laugh in their faces or tell them to go away. At times, they became pushy enough to irritate me, and I'd have to find a way to divert my anger into more healthy means of expression rather than giving into the urge to throw them into our Olympic sized swimming pool. This story is one such diversion.

It all started when this guy we have fondly nicknamed Puppy Boy (because of the puppies embroidered on his jacket) decided to write my name on the blackboard of the classroom we hung out in before school (we were nerds... what can I say?). He followed the horrible misspelling of my name with "is very pretty." I'can be really touchy about my name and was somewhat offended that he would dare to misspell it. That, and the effect of the complement was a bit lost as he had done the same thing directed at one of my best friends the day before. He targeted the two of us for a while, and he disobligingly refused to take any hint from us to leave us alone. It was a huge traumatic drama, to be sure. :) I was in Mr. Peter's English class getting ready for the daily journal entry and feeling rather hostile and then this came out of my pen. Over the next nine days, the tale was completed and my circle got a good laugh out of it. Reading it today, I can't decide whether I should laugh, groan, or just beat my head with a board. It is rather pathetic in and of itself. Whatever the case, enjoy.

Disclaimer: Note that I do not own the rights to any of Mercedes Lackey's characters. Further note that this story has about as much in common with the true storyline surrounding the original characters as a sea anemone has with a chicken.

Once upon a time there lived a prince. He wasn't very bright. This prince continuously raised billboards that announced to the world that he found the neighboring princesses attractive. They weren't very pleased. One of them, Princess Tarma by name, spoke with her good friend Queen Mage Kethryveris about the problem when they were having their lunch. "Keth, what are we going to do? When I agreed to become ennobled as a warrior-princess, I had no idea I would be plagued with another Leslac."

"Well, my friend," replied Kethry, "we could always marry him off."

"I doubt that would work. For one thing, he's a bit young and doesn't quite understand a few things. Second, he's an idiot and I would never make anyone deal with him."

"No matter how much you hate the girl?"

"No matter how much. Besides, she'enedra, that sort of thing isn't acceptable in today's society."

"Too bad. I could lightning him?"

"Let's save that as a last resort. I'd prefer it to be cleanly done. And Princess Sheri may not appreciate that. We must take her feelings into account."

"I suppose so, but you should just lop off his head." Kethry told her unique friend as they finished eating and cleared the table.

Later that day, at the prince's castle, the prince sat staring out the window playing a Klingon ballad on his violin. Suddenly, he stops and rises. On the horizon are two riders and they're coming straight towards the castle! Who are they, where are they from? Tune in next time, same oath time, same oath story!

Tarma and Kethry approached the castle. "What is that noise? "Tarma asked.

"Oh my, it's a violin." Kethry replied. "Hmm... it sounds as though he is playing something out of Star Trek!"

"Gasp! Then the rumors are true!"

The two friends sighed and rode on. In a few minutes, they reached the moat. "Hmph, how primitive," Kethry snorted. "HAIL ERIC! PRINCE OF...OF...OF THIS AREA! WE WISH TO SPEAK WITH YOU!" she called.

"ON WHAT TERMS?" a voice replied.

"YOU HAVE STRONG EMOTIONAL REACTIONS TOWARDS OUR FRIEND SHERI!" Tarma yelled.

The drawbridge klanged down. "Come inside," he told them.

Tarma and Kethry looked at each other and rolled their eyes. They rode in and dismounted. Prince Eric stood looking at them for a minute. "What's the problem?" he asked.

"In a nut shell, don't do it. She has a 'knight in shining armor' already," Tarma began.

"But what's wrong with complimenting a girl?" he asked.

"Nothing. But she is not available!" stressed Kethry. "Besides, he, Sir Phil, has a knack with blowing up carriages.

"Is there no royal female who is un-attached?"

"We're not, but I am celibate," Tarma told him.

"Fine, dismissed," he told them.

Kethry and Tarma rolled their eyes at each other, mounted, and rode away.

Back at Kethry's, in the tower with the windows which peer out at all directions, Tarma and Kethry were rolling on the floor laughing their heads off.

The next day, Tarma noticed her telebowl glowing. "Yes, Keth?" she asked of the image in the water.

"Don't look now, but there is a bilboard out the window."

"AHHHH! I'll kill him. Then, my Shin'a'in warsteed will trample him!" Tarma stormed out of her home and headed down the road.

Kethry sighed and wondered if she should have told her the news so bluntly. "It's a good thing I can almost always second guess that woman," she told Hellsbane as she led her warsteed out the stabledoor. "I had one of those feelings that Tarma would storm over to that idiot's house and --"

"And what, she'enedra?" said a voice behind Kethry.

"Ahhh!" Keth whirled around to face ... Tarma. "Gods, you barbarian! How many times have I told you not to do that in the mornings!" Tarma just chuckled and mounted Ironheart. "Let's go. We have work to do." Kethry told her.

"Of course. So, you almost always second guess me?"

"Yes, I knew you were coming."

"Of course, That's why you look so disheveled and saddled 'Bane in a hurry?"

"Oh, be quiet." Tarma chuckled again.

Later that day, Tarma and Kethry were having tea with their chronicler, Bree.

"Unbelievable. I'll have to speak with my editor about this so we can work it into my book." Bree told them after they related their story.

Kethry looked puzzled. "Your editor?" she asked. "Who is your editor?"

"Frankly, I don't know. When we meet, she is always draped in this dark cloak. Every once in a while it's black, but then the meetings are short and she is gone for a while. Otherwise, it's another dark color, brown I believe. For some odd reason, when my editor wears black, I always get this feeling of ... awaiting death."

"Kethry looked at Tarma who was staring out the window, then at Warrl who suddenly fell asleep. "Awaiting death, huh?" she said. "Did you hear that Tarma?"

"Hmm? What? Oh, yes, very ... interesting." was the only reply.

Tarma and Kethry left Bree's chateau at around four and went to the Lake of Shining Waters. "What a stupid name," said Tarma. "No self respecting lake would allow anyone to name it that! If I was a lake, I would tidal wave the genius first."

"Not genius -- idiot," replied Kethry. "Look." She pointed to a shape on the water that was coming towards them.

Tarma groaned and slapped her forehead." Has he seen us?"

"Yes, why?"

"Blast. Now if we run, it would be considered rude, no?"

"Sorry, old warrior. After all, we can't be rude. He might find some cause in it to begin a blood-feud."

"I'd win."

"Against him, definitely. But what if he hired a few hundred mercenaries?"

"I'd have you. Just think; lightning, balls of fire. Besides, Warrl isn't just a lap poodle, you know. He isn't afraid of a little blood."

Warrl yawned and looked at Tarma disdainfully. :Blood? The red kind? I'm sorry, but that won't match my fur. Besides, it stains!:

Tarma glared at him. "Listen fur-face. You had better behave or--"

"Hello there. Fancy meeting you two lovely girls here!" he announced to them.

"Excuse me, your highness, we are women, not girls," Tarma said.

"Oh, my apologies. How are you two women?"

"Dolt," Tarma muttered under her breath.

"I beg your pardon? DId you say something?"

"Tarma isn't feeling well. She has this cough and ... yes. I think I'll just take her home and make her a sandwich." Kethry told him as they backed out of the situation.

"Oh well, ta ta!" He said. "Oh and Tarma, don't fall in!"

"Oh brother," Tarma groaned. "I have a cough? Come on, she'enedra. You should have come up with something better than that!"

"I was put on the spot, OK?" Kethry replied. "It was hard enough to keep from laughing. But then I had to get us out of there."

"Thank you so much for your sympathy."

"Look, I think this is beginning to develop into a serious problem. This so-called prince is stalking you!"

"Oh, sure."

"No, I'm serious. Maybe you should file a complaint."

"Keth, chill. How many daggers do I have hidden in my clothes?"

"Well..."

"If he tries anything, he will be living impaired."

"But what if he does get a hold of you?"

"Like I said before, chill out. If he touches me, and hurts me besides, his throat will be on one side of the room, and his head will be smooshed, and that bond of ours will give you a headache you wouldn't believe. And if I know you, you and that sword will come over and he'll be dead twice more!"

"OK! Let's go visit His Royal Highness of the Kingdom of Languartsia. I hope his iron gate is unlocked. I would hate to have to melt it."

"Melting is for wimps. I'll just throw you over, then I'll jump."

"Like I said, I hope it's unlocked."

At the gate, Tarma was pulling and jiggling the handle on the gate. "Open, open, open," she muttered.

"Why don't you just jump?" asked Kethry.

"Why don't I give you a boost?" replied Tarma.

:Children, children, enough bickering. Love is the only way!:

"Warrl, are you ill?" Tarma aksed him as Kethry stared dumbfounded. "'Love is the only way'? Coming from the guy who rips peoples' throats out, hmm. Let me feel your forehead."

:It's a code, barbarian. Don't turn around.:

"Code, what code? Look, furface, you don't just talk in code and expect other people to understand. And what do you mean don't turn --"

"Hello! Are you feeling better Tarma? You should be put in bed if you have a cough," came the voice from behind. Kethry began to choke. Luckilly, His Royal Highness of the Kingdom of Languartsia came at the moment with his keys jangling. "Hi, girls," he said.

"You should get here earlier," Kethry told him as he unlocked the gate. "We always get here at this time, you should know, after all, it's your kingdom."

"I suppose so, but I had a flat tire on my bike."

"Excuses, excuses."

He laughed. "Is something wrong with Tarma?"

"No," Tarma told him gruffly as she entered the gateway before him. Kethry began to choke again.

"AAAAHHH! Either I need to kill him, or I need to jump off a bridge!" Tarma hollered. They had ridden back to Kethry's as soon as they could get away from Prince Eric without being rude to His Royal Highness of the Kingdom of Languartsia.

"Tarma, it is your turn to 'chill out'. Who was just telling me about knives in their clothes and peoples' throats being ripped out?"

"There is a Shin'a'in proverb," Tarma replied. Kethry groaned. "That was then, this is now, the moment is never the same twice."

"Hmph. Still, I wouldn't worry. It is probably just a phase. You know how young princes get these days."

"I guess I haven't told you what happene d when we split up for me to get my junk before I came here."

"Oh, great, now what?"

"Well, he sort of followed me to the market place. I was checking on some of the prices for black silk and he comes up and asks me if having puppy dogs on his royal crest designates him as a sissy. Go figure."

"What an idiot."

"And the real problem is that because he is of royal blood we can't do anything without causing a war."

"Hmm. Maybe we could talk to His Highness?"

"Don't you love being on a no-long-title basis with an all powerful ruler?"

"Yeah, It's neat."

"I think we should drop the idiot matter before I buy some of that black silk!"

"After Thanksgiving, right?"

"Oh, of course." The two friends giggled, strange sight. "Let's go to that big market in, oh what was it, Silverdale? It's supposed to be a fishing town but doesn't smell fishy."

"Hmm. Let's bring our chronicler."

"OK!"

"I want to find out more about this editor of hers." Kethry gave Tarma a side glance. She seemed to be very interested in her nails.

"Im riding lead," said Tarma. Kethry, Tarma, chronicler Bree, and Lori and Tim were heading to the great trade market of Silverdale. Lori and Tim were their friends. "This will be fun!" she continued. "We'll be able to buy plenty of gifts. And get good bargains too!"

"How exciting," said Bree. "I don't think I have ever been shopping like this before."

"Like what?"

"Without anyone responsible."

"Gee, thanks," said Lori. Everyone laughed.

When they arrived, they decided to look around. Everything was closed except for the large shops. They decided to walk around and figure out what shops and booths they wanted to go to. Nothing extra special happened until around 11:00. That was when Tarma and Kethry looked and found...

A BOOKSTORE!! Lori wasn't very happy about it, but the two bonded friends didn't really care. Kethry and Tarma introduced their chronicler to the greater world of fantasy books. She already knew about the books, but not alot about specific things. Tarma and Kethry went into great detail about their favorite author's new book. :) Lori began to moo so they finally left. On the way home, they had a deep conversation about a very odd topic. Soon, the five rode into Kethry's stable at her castle.

"Kill me, kill me, I want to be the dead one!" Kethry said. They were all playing a murder game. When the lights went out, a scream was heard! The detective came out and lit the lamps. It was Tarma! Who could have done such a vile deed? Unfortunately, the narrator does not remember. Oh well. Tarma did kill Kethry, however. She had a pot on her head. Or was it a bowl? Hm... Let's jump ahead...

Monday came and Kethry, Tarma, and chronicler Bree met at His Royal Highness of the Kingdom of Languartsia's room. The gate was locked so they went to the library. After yelling at some young pages to be quiet, the three noticed someone. It was Prince Eric. He began to whistle. "Shh!" Tarma told him. "This is a library and you shouldn't whistle in a library."

"So?" said he.

"So, when the librarian kicks you out don't complain."

"Who's asking?" he said.

"Hey!" rebuked chronicler Bree. "Do not speak to my friend that way. It was rude and I think you should apologize."

"Ok," he replied. Prince Eric walked over to Tarma and said, "I'm sorry for being rude, will you ever forgive me?"

"I suppose," Tarma told him. eric walked away and Tarma put her head down on the table. Her shoulders began to shake.

"Look, she's crying!" Kethry said, her voice feigning shock.

Tarma lifted her head. She was laughing her head off. "I can't believe you said that Bree," said Kethry.

"If he would have touched me, I would have slapped him." said Tarma. They giggled then went to His Royal Highness of the Kingdom of Languartsia's room. Tarma was putting a quote on the board. Prince Eric came up behind them and mumbled something.

Hmmm..." whispered Bree. "That's something for a story."

"Don't forget to talk to your editor first," said Kethry with a sly glance at Tarma.

"Pick a quote. We don't have much time left before the lessons start." Tarma said.

"I like this one" said Kethry. "Here you go, and off we go!" The three friends went away.

"Bye!" said Tarma.

"Zhai'helleva!" said Kethry as they all hurried away.

Now that I have stolen away precious time of yours with meaningless drivel that ended on an extremely anti-climactic note, I hope it doesn't stop you from returning. :) Remember, I did give you fair warning! :D Sad, sad lives we led back then as complete dorks...I still can't believe I actually posted this. :)