Byers: Frohike, we've got a deadline here. I needed your column ten minutes ago.
Frohike: (looking through files) I need the...file on the Warren Commission in order to finish it.
Langly: Try looking under "W."
Frohike: Oh, you moron. He files the Warren Commission under "T--" THE Warren Commission.
Langly: Ah, cut the guy some slack.
Frohike: Oh, and look. Here's "THE Teaport Dome Scandal," "THE Grassy Knoll." I say we fire his ass.
Langly: You just gotta know how to handle him. Keep it simple. Like I asked him to clean my keyboard. (he picks up his keyboard and water drips out of it)
Byers: You're both forgetting it's his life savings keeping us in print.
Frohike: I don't care. He's a menace.
Byers: He believes in our mission. He's got a good heart and he's so happy to be here. If we let him go, it'll crush him.
Jimmy: (off-screen) Crush who?
(they look over and see he's just entered their place)
Jimmy: Who's going to get crushed? (he walks over to them)
Byers: Jimmy, um...we've been talking and, uh...we're not sure this is the right place for you.
Jimmy: What, are you kidding? Working with guys like you, it's a dream.
Byers: Jimmy...
Jimmy: I've been looking my whole life for something like this. To feel like I make a difference. To work with men of integrity. To fight to make this a better country. You three...you're heroes. I am so proud to be a part of this team. Just talking about it...look at that, goosebumps.
Frohike: You are so fired!
Byers: Frohike...
Frohike: I'll buy us a dancing money. I'll teach it how to file. (to Jimmy) We'll give you your money back. Just get out of here.
(for a moment, Jimmy's expression is equivilant to that of a person who has just
witnessed his dog be put down)
Jimmy: I get it. I get what you're trying to say. (he grins) Old Yeller. (they look at him) In Old Yeller the kid yells at the dog to make him leave. He loves that dog. He doesn't want him to go. Guys...don't feel weird about taking my money. It's an honor. (the doorbell buzzes) We're going to keep the dream alive. (he walks off)
Langly: In Old Yeller, the kid shoots the dog 'cause he's rabid.
Frohike: Thanks for the idea.
Wilhelm: This is the last known photo of Madame Davos. She disappeared shortly after it was taken.
Byers: The Poisoner of Alsace.
Jimmy: I don't mean to sound stupid but should I know who that is?
Frohike: (bitterly) Check the files under "T" for "THE Poisoner."
(Jimmy nods and starts to walk that way, but Byers stops him)
Byers: She murdered 20 members of the French Resistance during World War II. She served pastries iced with arsenic. She's a known Nazy collaborator.
Jimmy: (apparently having watched way too much Indiana Jones) Nazis. I hate those guys.
Frohike: I still don't get what this has to do with me.
Wilhelm: The child's father was this man. (shows them a picture. The man looks just like Frohike)
Jimmy: Wow!
Byers: You're thinking Frohike could pass himself off as the long-lost son?
Wilhelm: And bring the Poisoner of Alsace to justice.
Frohike: Whoa, whoa. First things first. I look nothing like this man. I'm better looking, for one thing.
Frohike: Seriously, it would never work.
Langly: Well, why not?
Byers: We've pulled off far more difficult undercover ops.
Frohike: I don't care how old she is, that lady is dangerous.
Langly: Well, you've never been afraid before so what the hell's the problem?
(Jimmy walks over to them and looks at Frohike with a sad puppy-dog expression, looking about ready to cry)
Frohike: Oh, for God's sake. (he looks at Langly and Byers) I-I just...I...(looks at Jimmy) I can't pass for a 56-year-old man!
Jimmy: Check it out.
Frohike: (now all dressed up in his undercover costume, which also includes a blonde wig, contacts, and fake blonde eye brows to name a few things) Man, oh, man. (he walks over to them) You ever stop to thinkthat I don't speak French or German?
Byers: You're an orphan of war.
Langly: Say you were raised in America.
Frohike: So what if she plays along and poisons me?
Byers: That why we'll be monitoring your vitals remotely.
Frohke: Great. So, you'llhave ten seconds' notice before I croak.
Frohike: How am I supposed to prove she's the Poisoner?
Langly: (knowingly) I've been waiting for you to ask me that. (he walks over and sits down at his computer. Amazingly, his keyboard is working perfectly well) I ran a little search on the Davos family. It seems they all share one interesting physical trait. (Jimmy and Byers walk over and look over his shoulder. He brings something up on the computer)
Byers: A birthmark. Shaped ironically like Germany.
Frohike: A birthmark. So what?
(Langly brings up a picture)
Byers: It appears to be...
(Jimmy begins chuckling)
Jimmy: (laughing) On her butt!
Frohike: Ah, no freaking way.
Byers: It seems to be the only means of making a positive identification.
(Frohike pauses. Jimmy is still stifling his laughter)
Frohike: The whole family has it, huh? (at their nod, he picks up a permenant marker and tosses it to Byers)
Langly: What are you doing?
Frohike: Covering my ass. You're going to give me a birthmark, too. (he turns around) Prepare... (he unzips his pants) to get mooned. (he pulls them down and bends over)
All Three: Ugh. (Jimmy grimances and closes his eyes, turning his head; Langly closes his eyes and pulls his head back; Byers drops the marker and covers his eyes)
(Frohike knocks on the door)
Langly: (over radio) Hold your position, and don't be a wuss. You're the master race, remember?
Byers: Relax, Frohike. Your heart rate's rising rapidly.
Frohike: Well, yours would be, too if you were facing certain death...or some withered old keister. I don't know which is worse.
Langly: Knock again. Maybe mommy didn't hear you.
Langly: You're in. Now pants her!
(Frohike steps inside. He shuts the door and carefully pulls the maid's skirt out to try to look. He doesn't realize it's the maid)
Mrs. Haag: What are you doing!?
(Frohike lets go and looks at her)
Frohike: Uh...I-I thought I saw a mouse.
Neighbor: Have you got a girl in there?
Byers: Pardon me?
Neighbor (mistaking Langly for a girl): You DO have a girl in there. Now, look, uh, you can't just park in front of my house and play slap and tickle all day.
Byers: I assure you we're neither slapping nor tickling.
Neighbor: Well, then what are you donig?
Byers: Uh, well...we are, uh...
Neighbor: I-Is that Mrs. Haag's house? Oh, my Lord, y-you're spying on Mrs. Haag!
Byers: No, we're not spying...per se.
Byers: I'll have to ask you not to reveal our presence here.
Langly: Or you'll go to jail, along with the other old bags! (slams VW's door shut)
Byers: Frohike, where are you?
Frohike: Oh, I'm in my keen new bedroom. She insists I stay the night.
Langly: Well, that's not the plan. Go take a look at her caboose and let's get the hell out of here.
Frohike: It's not that easy. My eyesight's only just now coming back after seeing the maid's.
Mrs. Haag: These belonged to my second husband. They should fit you. He was a tiny man, too.
Frohike: (sarcastic) Oh, gee, thanks, Ma.
Langly: It's her. The neighbor lady. My God, old people get up early.
Frohike: (dressed in a hilarious German outfit) Guys, do you read me?
Byers: (looking through their little camera thingy) FROHIKE?
Langly: Damn, man. Where's your tuba? You look like the little dude in one of those cuckoo clocks.
Frohike: How 'bout I pop out of my little house and rings your bell?
(Yves sits down at one of the computers and begins typing. Bad to the Bone begins playing in the background. Yves looks around, trying to figure out where it's coming from. She looks to the side. Jimmy slides into view...wearing nothing but a shirt, socks, sunglasses, and underwear. He begins playing an air guitar and dancing to the music. It's truly a sight that has to be seen to be believed. Yves watches on in mild horror. Jimmy twirls around and sees her)
Jimmy: Whoa! (he runs off, slipping in the process. Yves shakes her head lightly and turns to the computer)
(Jimmy hurries back, pulling some pants on)
Jimmy: Wait a minute. What are you dong here? I know who you are. You're that lady whose name's the same backwards as it if forwards.
Yves: No, it's not. "Yves Adele Harlow" is an anagram, not a palindrome.
Jimmy: Yeah, exactly. Backwards it's "Lee Harvey Oswald."
Yves: No. Backwards, it's nothing. Backwards...why am I even talking to you? (finishes and takes a disk and stands. She walks towards Jimmy) By all means, continue dancing.
Jimmy: (stopping her) Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where you going with that? Give me that?
Yves: (indicating disk) This? (slips it down her shirt) You're not going to try and take it from me, are you?
(Jimmy closes his eyes and shakes his head lightly)
Yves: Smart boy. (starts to walk off)
Jimmy: (stopping her) Whoa. But you're not going anywhere either. Not until I know what's going on.
Yves: Is that even possible? For you to know what's going on? (starts to walk off, but Jimmy stops her. He crosses his arms and looks at her) Fine. Your Three Stooges...they're investigating a woman named Madame Davos.
Jimmy: Maybe. Maybe not.
Yves: They are. And as usual, they're in way over their heads.
Jimmy: Oh, yeah? And why's that?
Yves: What do you know about the man that brought them them the story?
Jimmy: He's some poor old French guy named Michael Wilhelm. (Yves looks at him) Yeah. He's named after his father who's the Pre...Pre-something of some French village Versh...Version...anyway, he was poisoned to death.
Yves: Michael Wilhelm, the Prefect of Verzenay was indeed murdered by the Poisoner of Alsace only he died childless.
Jimmy: So who was the guy that was here?
Langly: You still gotta glimpse the ham.
(Wilhelm leaves his room and walks to the elevator and leaves. Off to the side, Jimmy and Yves sneak down the hall)
Jimmy: All right, I told you where to find him. Now, tell me who he is.
Yves: You've heard of Stasi -- the East German Secret Police? (Jimmy nods slightly, but it's obvious he doesn't know, he just doesn't want to look stupid. Fortunately, Yves realizes this. She begins walking down the hall, followed by Jimmy) Not good guys. God knows how many defectors they tortured and killed. I believe this man who now calls himself Michael Wilhelm gave them their orders. He's a cold-blooded murderer. (they reach the door) There's a sizable bounty out for his arrest. Provided I can prove that it is indeed him.
(a bellhop guy comes walking down the hall. Yves pulls Jimmy towards her)
Yves: Pretend that you like me.
(Jimmy grins and leans in to kiss her. The bellhop guy leaves, taking a cart of luggage)
Yves: (stopping Jimmy just before he reaches her) That's enough.
Jimmy: Oh, uh...hey...so, yeah...what does any of this have to do with the Lone Gunmen investigating Madame Davos?
Yves: Have you seen Mr. Hilhelm's left buttock?
Jimmy: Baby, I don't swing that way. Especially not with old guys.
(Yves enters the room and Jimmy begins to follow, but she turns and blocks his way)
Yves: You're my lookout. Think you can handle that?
Jimmy: (giving her a cross between a laugh and a scoff) Please.
(Jimmy's at the corner, looking at the elevator. Wilhelm comes up through the stairs. Jimmy turns and grimaces slightly)
(Jimmy has his ear to the door. Yves walks up behind him, scaring him half to death)
Yves (sarcastic): Thank you. Wonderful job.
Jimmy: (trying to save what little is left of his pride) Hey, he's a sneaky son of a gun. Tell you what, I, uh... (sees Yves' look. He sighs and looks at her with that whipped puppy expression) Sorry.
Frohike: T-minus ten and counting.
Langly: Copy that, eagle. And may God have mercy on your soul.
Frohike: I'm about to breach the inner sanctum. (opens bathroom door. Mrs. Haag is showering) One small step for man...
Langly: One giant moon for mankind.
Yves: (to Jimmy) I need you to get undressed.
(Jimmy, who was helping Langly vomit, drops Langly and grins at Yves. She gives him a look and he looses the grin, trying to look more serious)