Today is Tuesday, August 1, 2000.  I'm not having a good day.  Two months ago today my baby girl entered this world in a tiny 12 ounce  body, although her little soul had already flown home before I even saw her sweet face.  As I sit here and reflect on the last few months, I can say that I've experienced every emotion known to man.  Being 40 years old with this pregnancy, I was very scared for my health, even my life.  She, at first, didn't feel like a baby, my child.  She felt like an illness that I'd developed; an illness that brought nausea, exhaustion and many other physical and emotional changes.  Sounds harsh, I know.  Even harsher is the guilt I feel now for even feeling that.  It took a month or so for it to sink in that there was a living being growing inside me.  I don't know what made it sink in, but when it did, it hit hard.  Suddenly I seemed to feel an overwhelming rush of love and attachment to this little being that only a mother can feel.  I was her protector...her lifeline...her mother.  But I failed miserably in all of these things.  Others tell me, as I tell myself, that I'm not to blame.  If that were true, however, she would still be resting in the comfort of my womb.  This was God's will.  He had a reason to take her.  I have a lot of time to think about this during my long sleepless nights. I often wonder why He would offer such a treasure then take this treasure back for Himself.  Did He feel that I didn't love her enough?  Maybe I wasn't taking good enough care of her?  I know I didn't drink enough milk.  I worked too much overtime.  I waited too long to start my prenatal vitamins.  I grabbed a quick and easy Big Mac instead of cooking fresh meat and vegetables.  But are these crimes enough to take away such a gift?  I feel so inadequate.  I feel like a child who has no control over anything.  As this child, I want to scream "NO FAIR!"  I want to kick, I want to yell, I want to stomp my feet in anger, I want to hit something. I'm angry.  I'm downright mad! I want to be left alone.  I want to be surrounded by people.  I want to forget.  I want to remember every tiny detail. I want to understand.