Dear Friends,

It grieves me so very much to report that Robert vacated his earthly premises sunday, jan 17th, 1999 at 1:15 am. He is finally free of the considerable suffering he endured with such courage and dignity. I feel so fortunate to have been with him when he left, standing in for the many who love him, and sending him off with our collective love and admiration.

This past week had been especially difficult for him, painwise, so the doctor re-installed a morphine pump and medicated him very heavily on thursday, and he remained unconscious until the end. The last words he spoke to me on wednesday were "i love you". It just so happended that this weekend the southern comfort planning committee met to begin work on the 99 conference. Friday afternoon, the hospice informed me that they expected him to pass in a few days, and i went into a shocked tailspin. Having watched Robert battle back so many times in these past months, i had begun to expect that he would outlive us all. At any rate, it was especially fortunate that a good group of Robert's friends were gathered. Many prayers were aimed in his direction, and i was blessed with an abundance of loving support for which i am very thankful. Several people visited him and i am particularly grateful to Erin Swenson who visited with him both personally and in a pastoral capacity.

I had returned to the hotel saturday nite and turned in for the evening when the hospice called to tell me they didn't think he'd make it through the night, so i dashed back there, looking a complete fright. I sat with him and spoke to him of all the people who love him, his family and friends; that we all wish him peace, and assuring him that it was ok to let go. Moments before he left, i was overwhelmed by this incredibly strong sense of him, and just then his breathing changed, so i gathered him in my arms and told him how very much i love him, and he departed. The sky had been completely cloud covered, but when i stepped outside into the cold night, it had cleared directly overhead and was full of stars.

More than anything else, Robert lived for other people; family and friends were everything to him. He is survived by his parents, Joe and Pauline, his two sons, Doug and Bo, his brothers, Frank and Oogie, and the apple of his eye, his grandson, Keegan. Also, he had taken in numerous foster kids earlier in life. Robert had an enormous heart, there was room for everyone, everyone he met was important; i don't know that he had many "casual acquaintances"..with Robert, friendships of the deepest sort developed very quickly.

Robert didn't want a memorial service, but he said it would be ok to throw a party. I'll begin thinking about that once i regain my balance, and i'll let y'all know. There was quite a party going on when he left; the grrls of southern comfort performed something of a "dance of the transnymphs". I'm not quite sure whether he'd be delighted or horrified! :>

I am so very grateful to all the people who have been so kind and supportive to Robert and i; there is no way i can adequately thank you, but i do want to assure you that Robert greatly appreciated every visit, every letter, every card, every phone call, every cookie, every plant, every flower, every email,and every prayer or kind thought. He spoke continually of his love and appreciation for all the people in his life. I know that he will be greatly missed and fondly remembered. The recipient list on this email is far from complete. If you know any of Robert's friends not included here, please pass the message on.

I love you, Lola

Exit now to avoid the following political rant

Please forgive me, but i feel compelled to mention something unpleasant i consider important. I am left with this enormous hole in my heart that may never completely heal, and it's possible that it all might have been completely unnecessary. Robert had been diagnosed with cancer roughly 3 years ago, months later than he should have been, due to the unwillingness of the "caring professional" medical people to deal with a
transman. He was turned away by over 20 doctors and clinics because they weren't comfortable treating someone of his ilk. When he finally found someone that would treat him, he underwent radiation and chemo treatments, but it was all too late to be effective. I can't help but think that if he had found help immediately upon seeking it, things might have been very different. I feel like this beautiful person i love so much was casually sentenced to death for being different. This is so outrageous, so completely unacceptable, i feel we absolutely MUST press for change. Such a thing should never happen to anyone. At the moment, i'm clueless as to how to proceed, but i don't intend to remain so for long. It seems that this sort of discrimination is way more common for ftm people than mtf. Adequate medical care is very difficult for transguys and many go for years, even decades without seeing a doctor. This absolutely must not be allowed to continue, and i believe we can manage to raise whatever kind of stink is required to put a stop to it. Please do what you can.

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