A 'BETTER GNOMES AND DRAGONS MAGAZINE' SPECIAL:
How to Catch a Unicorn
This tough and beautifully wrought horn makes a wonderful ornament, whether carved or left in its natural state, but more than that, its uses are practically endless:
- Crockery and cutlery carved from unihorn can nullify the effects of any poisons they come in contact with;
- A paste of ground unihorn rubbed on broken bones or decomposing corpses can restore the afflicted person to full health within a matter of days;
- Magic wands of unihorn have a spell success rate up to 30 per cent higher than leading birch wands;
- Mixed with herbs and consumed, the horn�s powder is a potent and popular aphrodisiac; and
- Finally, the very tip of the horn, with its twisted edge, makes a wonderful substitute screwdriver for all your other do-it-yourself projects!
Unfortunately, unicorns have long been rare, and many scientists have believed them to be entirely extinct. The valuable commodity of unicorn horn has become an exotic luxury item, with prices far out of reach of the average home-owner. Now, with the discovery of the new species Unicornus Australis in the Australian outback, price need not be your constraint. In this article, we present a step-by-step guide to the capturing of a unicorn, and acquiring the benefits of genuine unihorn products, without that unpleasant empty feeling in your pocket.
Before you embark upon your unicorn-catching mission, you will need to be aware of the essential equipment required for success.
- Rope: great coils of thick cord are invaluable in the hunting and capture of unicorns. In the hands of experts, rope can be used to lasso the raging beast as it thunders past the ingeniously hidden hunter, secure in his concealment. Less experienced readers may prefer to try a trip-wire, then tie the unicorn up with as many granny knots as possible while it�s still stunned.
- Hacksaw: this handheld tool is useful for carving a path through dense undergrowth, and also for menacing the above-mentioned stunned unicorn. If you get that far, a hacksaw is also one way to detach your prize � the precious horn.
- Camouflage: contrary to popular belief, it is not strictly necessary for a would-be hunter to be a virgin. A wardrobe of extra short miniskirts, some heavily glittered dangly earrings, and a few pairs of fishnet stockings should get around the problem nicely � the unicorn will never know the difference. (This works for girls, too.)
You are now ready to set out on your journey into the unknown. Remember to pack a cut lunch.
EPISODE 1 � TRACKING
There is absolutely no point investing in all that essential equipment if you are only going to end up squelching through a putrid swamp, swatting at mosquitoes. You need to be aware of the native habitat of unicorns. Being hoofed animals, they prefer solid ground, usually dense forests full of lichen-covered evergreens and rotting native Eucalypts. These are, therefore, ideal places to begin your hunt.
1. Charter a bus to take you to the edge of some likely unicorn haunt.
Once within the mighty green halls of the forest, it is easy to become lost, so -
2. Tie one end of a ball of fluoro pink string to a tree at the edge of the forest. Attach the other end to your wrist. DO NOT ALLOW THIS STRING TO BE BROKEN � IT IS YOUR LIFELINE TO REALITY; WITHOUT IT, YOU ARE DOOMED!
Like most forest-dwelling animals, unicorns can be experts at making themselves scarce in their natural environment, and you may at first be unable to find any trace of them. You are probably not looking correctly. Instead of scanning the horizon for a large, fast-moving white shadow between the trees, try examining the forest floor for spoor.
3. Search the undergrowth for evidence of unicorns in the vicinity. NOTE: any excessively large, smelly piles of unidentifiable refuse should be treated as evidence.
With luck, if you are in the right area, it shouldn�t take long for you to locate a trail of unicorn hoof-prints.
4. Follow them.
Tracking should be done as quietly as possible, lest your quarry should get wind of you, and start hiring taxis. If the prints are fresh, you should be within sneaking-up distance inside of two hours. Your first glimpse of the magnificent wild unicorn is something to treasure for the rest of your life. Now let�s get out there and get that horn!
EPISODE 2 � THE CHASE
Because of the above-average animal intelligence of unicorns, sneaking up almost never works, unless, of course, you are a professional thief, in which case the editor would like to inform you that the cover of this magazine is fingerprint-sensitive, you are now on our files, and if you do not want to find your home a charred ruin when you return, you�d best remember to pay at the counter. The unicorn will probably sense your presence through ESP, or Eye-Spy People, and will run.
5. Chase it. (This should be obvious to even the most obtuse neophyte.)
Unicorns are incredibly fast on their hooves, so getting ahead can be a bit of a struggle. You may find rollerskates are a convenient way to get around this. Otherwise, you should try and force the unicorn into a corner that it can�t get out of, for example, a river too wide to jump, a dead end, a cliff, or a Boy Scout campsite. If none of these present themselves, light a circle of fire to entrap the beast. Also, there�s that tripwire�
EPISODE 3 � CAPTURE!
The cornered unicorn is a very dangerous creature. If threatened, it may feel the need to charge, racing towards you, the horn�s lance-like point glistening evilly as it speeds towards your sternum. This is not a good situation. This is the point where you cancel all your newspapers and then ring your local undertaker on the mobile.
Some unicorn hunters maintain that the only way to obtain unihorn is to stand with your back to a tree, and sidestep split seconds before the charging creature reaches you, so that it rams its horn deep into the tree�s ancient wood, rather than your soft belly.
These hunters are all dead.
Even when the plan works, it is very difficult to cut the horn off a stuck unicorn�s forehead without being kicked to death by vicious hoofed feet, or torn to pieces by the unicorn�s sharp teeth, both of which can be fatal. A far better option is -
6. Leap towards the unicorn, Xena style, brandishing the weapon of your choice.
The creature will be completely stunned to find itself the target rather than the aggressor, and you will be able to take its horn without a fight, while it wonders what sort of animal had to die to provide such vast quantities of leather goods. Alternatively -
7. Put on your camouflage.
Once you are disguised as an innocent virgin, the unicorn�s usually destructive nature melts away, leaving only the docile white giant who graces nursery wallpaper, and children�s books about secret worlds discovered by walking into other people�s wardrobes. Nobody knows why unicorns react so to virgins. Perhaps it has something to do with their hormones.
8. Walk towards the unicorn, doing your best awe-struck Little Red Riding Hood impersonation � �Why, Unicorn, what a big horn you�ve got!�
The unicorn will lie down tamely and allow you to touch its horn, without threat to life or limb. It is probably best not to let it see the hacksaw.
EPISODE 4 � ACQUIRING THE HORN
By now, success is within your reach. There are a number of methods for detaching the all-important horn from its former owner�s forehead:
- Hacksaw.
- Rope.
- Bare hands.
Method 1 involves calming the unicorn with soothing, motherly noises, just loud enough to mask the insistent scraping of saw-tooth on horn. An advantage of this method is that it doesn�t require a great deal of physical strength to remove the horn. A disadvantage is that you might slip and accidentally amputate your own arm. Experienced unicorn hunters see this as a minor inconvenience, and nothing to worry about, really.
The second method requires a length of strong rope, one end of which is tied tightly around the base of the horn. The other end is then firmly fastened to a nearby open door, which should be slammed as hard as possible in order to uproot the spike from the unicorn�s forehead. This method has gone somewhat out of favour due to the vast amounts of blood produced, the protests of cruelty from animal liberators, and the general lack of open doors in the middle of a forest.
Method 3 is generally preferred by those who work with their hands, for example Sign Language Translators. To remove the horn with your bare hands, grip the horn carefully at the base, close to the unicorn�s forehead. Then simply twist. The horn will screw straight out, leaving the unicorn with only minor scarring in the form of a hole in its head. Many vets advise that a substitute screw or bolt should be put in the horn�s place, so the unicorn�s brains don�t fall out. Others say why bother? - there�s no point.
Congratulations! You are now the proud possessor of a full-length unicorn horn. Its multiple benefits will bring years of fun and enjoyment to you and your family. You will quickly begin to discover the scope and potential of this wonderful substance for yourself, but we have included a recipe for a unihorn-based love potion, just to get you started. Enjoy!
UNIHORN LOVE POTION No. 3
Ingredients:
- 1 � cups finely ground unicorn horn.
- 2 oysters, shelled. (NOTE: this means the shell has been removed, not included in the potion.)
- � cup red rose petals, unbruised.
- 1 small box of expensive chocolates, chopped.
- Cloves.
- Lock of hair from the object of your desire.
- Appropriate mystical essences, eg. Rum.
Method:
- Mix the unihorn powder with the rose petals and chopped chocolates.
- Add oysters, being careful not to let any pearls get into the mixture. (If you were that deeply in love you wouldn�t need the potion.)
- Warm mixture over an open fire of old �Mills and Boon� paperbacks. When hot, add cloves.
- Bring mixture almost to boiling point, stirring occasionally, then add lock of hair and a dash of mystical essence.
- Remove from heat, puree, and add rest of mystical essence without delay. Pour into glass, and serve with a little paper umbrella. This seals the spell.
Serve to half-drunk desired lover for results Viagra users would kill for.
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