1. Kitchen closed - - this chick has had it!

2. Martha Stewart Doesn't live here!!

3. I'm creative, You can't expect me to be neat too!

4. So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!

5. Ring Bell for Maid Service...If no answer, do it yourself!

6. I clean house every other day....Today is the other day!

7. If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

8. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!

9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.

11. Home Cooking -- Like Mother used to do before cigarettes and soap operas.

12. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

13. If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your requirements.

14. You may touch the dust in this house...but please don't write in it!

15. Apology...

Although you'll find our house a mess,

come in, sit down, �and converse.

It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.

16. Recipe for Living...

Thank God for dirty dishes,

They have a tale to tell:

While other folks go hungry,

We're eating very well.

With Home and Health and Happiness.

We shouldn't want to fuss.

For by this stock of evidence,

God's very good to us!

17. Emergency Numbers:

Pizza - - - - - - - 555-121-1212

Chinese - - - - - 555-121-1212

Deli - - - - - - - - 555-121-1212

Grandma - - - - 555-121-1212

18. Home Rules:

If you sleep on it . . . . make it up.

If you wear it . . . . . . . hang it up.

If you drop it . . . . . . . pick it up.

If you eat out of it . . .. put it in the sink.

If you step in it . . . .. .wipe it off.

If you open it . . . . .. . close it.

If you empty it . . . . .. fill it up.

If it rings . . . . . . . . .. answer it.

If it howls . . . . . . . .. .feed it.

If it cries . . . . . . . . .. love it!

19. Quilting (Internet) Forever . . . Housework Never!

20. Dull women have immaculate houses.

21. I'd live life in the fast lane but I am married to a speed bump.