bullybustingpage

A conflict of interest may occurr, which can lead to tension. But it is even worse when you are taken aback by someone's verbal snipes. Often, one can make rude remarks if they are trying to improve their self-esteem by making others look bad, if they want attention, they are just angry (and the person nearby cops it!!), or simply, they want perfection and control. It is hard to squelch a sniper's fire by trying to understand others or requesting them to change; or retaliating or withdrawing.. What is not known by many people is how to use a bit of verbal AIKIDO to neutralize those snide comments. Here are some ways that 'bully busting can be done.

TURN KILLER WORDS INTO KINDNESS WITH 'PUT UPS'.

This involves changing put-downs into put-ups by behaving as if nothing is happening. Here are some ways this can be done.

1. Agree in fact, in theory or hypothetically to stop power struggles;
2. Give compliments to make it difficult for someone to continue being rude;
3. Act as if you have been complimented. eg. 'Thank you. What a sweet thing to say';
4. Find 'grains of truth' in the worst insult;
5. Dramatise the very insult that has been given, eg. 'Am I really a baby?' (with a 'whining' voice);
6. Use a 'mean' tone to say something harmless with a 'tone twister' to release frustration and ad confusion, eg. 'Your opinion is none of my business';
7. Use reverse psychology to encourage people to change their course.

ELICIT THE CAUSES AND EFFECTS OF INTIMIDATION

This involves encouraging the critic to focus their attention inward instead to blaming or ridiculing the target. This may help him or her discover why he or she is angry when you ask questions that:

1. Label feelings that recognise troubling emotions and help the bully 'let them go';
2. Sympathise to 'kill' insults, eg. 'You must have had a bad day to be so upset';
3. Focus on the process (of what they are doing) and away from the content of the remark, eg. 'You sound like you are very disappointed in me';
4. Express your own feelings and limits when a comment hurts too much to deflect, eg. 'Now I feel thoroughly rotten. I'll talk to you when you can be kinder'.

GROUND INSULTS WITH LIGHTNING RODS OR 'POWER WORDS'

In moments of confusion, people can be redirected to change negative habits. You can apply confusion and subtle messages to promote desirable behaviour by using hypnotic wording:

1. 'Try' blocks people from continuing what they are doing, eg. 'You're trying very hard to be upsetting. I hope it isn't too tiring.'
2. 'Dare' pushes people to do something they are reluctant to do, eg. 'I just dare you to say something pleasant'.
3. 'But' erases everything that precedes it - especially when it is followed by an unexpected compliment, eg. 'Well, I may be..., but you look great'.
4. Humour shows that little importance should be placed on cruel comments by saying something silly to the critic.

WHY BULLY BUSTING?

Defusing criticism allows you to excercise your mind and is more fun than simply ignoring nasty comments. Children are often advised to ignore bullies but end up with scars on their bitten tongues. Standing up for yourself by making requests of others may lead them to do the opposite; and family and friends may have little energy to resolve conflicts (when they are grumpy). And blaming, sarcasm, complaining, advice and orders can perpetuate a vicious cycle. In contrast, bully busting can improve your verbal skills; and it can include any 'comeback' which can take the tension out of the air, help 'lighten the mood' before you can have your needs met, and bring random acts of kindness into the cradle of cruelty.