It is late when I finally leave my study and head for my chambers. I hesitate though and take a different route tonight. I stop at the door of my youngest child and enter quietly. He is still dressed and deep asleep on his bed from where he obviously had flung himself earlier. His face is still streaked with long ago dried tears. My heart aches, though he will never know. I go over to the small table by his wardrobe, pour a bit of water from the pitcher in the bowl, take a clean cloth and wet it a bit. I walk over and gently clean his face and stroke his hair in the process.
I put the cloth in the bowl, and leave it. I will notify one of the maids on my way to my chambers later, for now I get a clean nightshirt from the wardrobe and bring it over to where my son lies. I gently remove his boots and clothing and put the shirt over his head threading his arms through the proper holes. He would never believe such tenderness from me. I regret that too, but it must be if I wish to keep him.
He whimpers softly as I lay him on his back and promptly rolls over. I lift the tail of his shirt up and wince slightly at his well chastised bottom. It had to be done though. He had done something truly terrifying and it had made my blood run cold just to hear of it. I called him stupid and foolish and as badly as I wanted to hold him and check him over to see for myself that he was indeed fine, I could not. It would confuse him. He would see my weakness, my fear. He would know my biggest fear, my fear of losing him.
I lay the shirt tail back down and cover my sleeping child. He looks so much like his mother as he sleeps and I can�t help running my hand gently over his head and placing a kiss at his temple. He is asleep, so I don�t worry about showing my love towards him. He won�t remember. I blow out the candle and leave his room.
Across the hall is Boromir�s room. I open the door a bit a look in. He is fast asleep as well. I leave without going in and decide to go to the sitting room for a while before retiring to bed.
The fire flickers and warms the room as I sit close by in my chair. Faramir decided that he was old enough to go into the woods by himself and track and kill a deer. It would�ve been fine had he not changed his plans and gone after a wild boar instead. He�s twelve and though I don�t see how he thought he was going to drag a full grown deer home, at least it�s better than trying to go after a wild boar. Luckily a patrol was in the area and heard his screams. I�m sure his screams were heard in the kitchens earlier when I lit into his backside with the paddle.
Faramir is the only one of my boys that looks like his mother and has her gentle spirit. It is like she is still here in Faramir. It is why I have to be hard on him, harder on him than I am on Boromir. I loved Finduilas, was loving, kind and gentle with her and she died. Left me alone to raise our boys. It is why I have to be hard on Faramir. He is so much like his mother and if I show my love to him, he will leave me as well. I could not bare the pain twice.
The hour grows late so I must go on to bed now leastwise I be late for the first meal. A thing I have admonished my youngest for many a time. My thoughts linger on my wife still. Perhaps if I hadn�t been so affectionate with her and allowed her to become weak, then she might not have gotten so ill and left me. Faramir will be stronger because of this. He will not be weak and get ill. He will remain here for a long time. I will see him grow and achieve. He will never know how proud I am of him or my love for him for I don�t wish to weaken him. He will be something special one day. For he is mine.