..:: L1V3 ~ LoV3 ~ L3@RN ::.. HOME ShouT OuTz > >aLL AbouT ME < < mY DiArY PiCz G-BooK Sunday, May 2, 2004 THE CHURCH "This is what it has come to..." Wow. It is amazing the things that go on in church. In the process of striving to be better people, we become worse. Perhaps we�re not really striving at all. Okay, maybe it is not my place to say these things. After all, it is a form of judgement and it is not OUR job to judge OTHERS. Sadly, though, this has ALWAYS been the case and I am sure that it will ALWAYS be that way. First of all, I know it might seem crazy that I copied Jee�s LiveJournal entry but I did it because SHE HAS A POINT. She has a good point; a point that I have been trying to make and she just does it so perfectly. I am one of the many who will admit: I AM NOT PERFECT. I have made MANY mistakes, many of which I am not going to mention. But like Jee, I am not the worst. I do not go out and drink and party all night. I do not wake up in random places and forget how I got there. I have NEVER tried drugs and I DO NOT INTEND TO. I hate smoking. The act disgusts me. And as Jee perfectly points out�where am I on Friday nights? AT HOME HAVING SABBATH DINNER. And when I do not attend church what am I doing? HONOURING THE SABBATH. (Sorry to bite off ya hunz, just speaking the truth). So why am I sitting here being redundant? Well let me tell you why. I have seen so much of these things happening. These are just a few: JUDGING PEOPLE, TALKING BEHIND PEOPLE�S BACKS, GOSSIPING, SPREADING RUMOURS, TAKING DRASTIC ACTIONS FOR SIMPLE SITUATIONS and EXPECTING EVERY SINGLE TEENAGE CHURCH MEMBER WHO DOESN�T LOOK CRAZY TO BE A MODEL OF PERFECTION. I am a teenage member of the church and I can tell you right now: STOP THIS MADNESS. Even the most innocent are guilty. None of us are perfect. None of us even come close to it. Many things happen that parents know nothing about. I will not mention names, but it is �appalling�, as someone so conveniently mentioned. We are not perfect, and neither are you. In John 8, it says: �The scribes and Pharisees brought unto [Jesus] a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, they say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou? This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not. So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.� (John 8:3-7) I will not quote the whole thing, but I think you understand what I am trying to say. How is that certain people dare to speak ill words against their �brothers� and �sisters� in Christ and yet call themselves Christians. Why do people judge and condemn others for things that do not concern them and things they do not understand. What happened to Matthew 18? �Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone.� (Matthew 18:15) Let me tell you. This is not the first time that this has happened. This has happened to me too. I don�t mean the ex-communication, or the spying. I am talking about the gossiping, the ill words, the inappropriate reactions. Is this what it has come to? First of all, yes, you�re right. I am not the one getting ex-communicated. In my opinion, though, this is just a little bit drastic. We are teenagers. We make mistakes. If it�s not a mistake, it�s something that is bound to be misunderstood. How is talking to the entire church (behind one�s back no less) and taking DRASTIC steps, a formula for success and change. As Matthew says, if you disagree with what your brother or sister is saying or doing, etc. you should take that person aside and speak to them privately. If they will not listen, THAT is when you take two or three witnesses to help. And if that is no help, THEN you take it to the church. From what I see, these were not the steps taken. And please do not say, �but they�re teenagers� because God did not set an age limit for His laws. Jee has a point. How is staying home during the Sabbath going to help her? How is cutting her off going to help her? How do you know that she has changed, if you will not let her prove her point? I am not buddy-buddy close to her, but I know her enough to say, SHE WOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD if you took the time to LISTEN. I know I say things when I am angry. I know I hate the world. But hey�we�re supposed to strive to be different because the world is an evil place. Maybe you do not agree with the way we express ourselves. I have had this discussion with my mom. Maybe we�re not right, but instead of cutting us off, maybe you should take the time to teach us. Cutting someone off is not a form of teaching. All it says is, �Okay, I won�t let them see me do that anymore because it upsets them and I really don�t understand why.� Communication. That is what the world needs. That is what this situation needs. And I think you forget; we are still growing; we are still learning; we are still young; AND WE�RE NOT PERFECT. No, we are not. I still remember the first time I allowed myself to open my eyes to the evil that lurks within the church. I remember being young and thinking, �Oh the church is such a wonderful place; a family like no other.� That was until I grew up. That was until I went to Cincinnati, Lexington and other church socials. That was until I finally opened my eyes and saw that NO ONE is what we think they are. I think we forget that we only see certain people once a week. And although we get to know each other in time, until we see each other for a straight number of days, there are things we will never know. I remember watching others praise certain teens in the church and thinking to myself, �If they only knew.� Because these same people who I watched be praised, were the same people who slept around, attended late night parties, abused alcohol and regularly do drugs. And it is amazing, because somehow, in most cases, the situation is reversed and those who actually DO NOT DO THESE THINGS (namely me and Jee just to name a few) get blamed for it. If not blamed, labelled with �bad influence� or �wild child�. So tell me, which is more appalling to you? I have never been in this exact situation when I was spied on and ex-communicated. No, I have never been there. And hopefully my show of support towards my friends won�t take me there. But I must say, this situation reminds me all too much of things that have happened to me before. I remember a few months ago, when I discovered that someone�s mother � a good friend of mine � decided that she could talk about me. Being the mother of a good friend, I am sure many believed her. *SCOFFS* Let me tell you, this was the picture that was painted of me. Supposedly, I party all night. I go out on Fridays nights and get drunk. I am basically a female slut, who had her mother walk in on her while she was �getting it on� with a guy. *Ha* Where is the truth in that? There was only one time when I went out and almost got piss drunk. And when I say almost�yeah. And you know what, yes, I didn�t need to do it, but the point is I did. I am sorry. It was a mistake. But you know what, who was the first to find out? My mother. How did she know? I told her. First of all, I was not drunk. Second of all, it was no secret. Third of all, I did not go and do something wild and crazy. Fourth of all, no one knew. So, where this rumour came from? I have a few choice words to say, but I am refraining from saying so. It is also quite humorous that THAT mother would say that MY mother walked in on me. My mother humorously replied with �I didn�t know I walked in on my daughter doing that. Why didn�t someone tell me because I DID�NT KNOW.� Duh! She didn�t know because IT DIDN�T HAPPEN. Yes, I was in a serious long distance relationship for a year. My boyfriend came up from Cleveland. What happened between him and I will remain between him and me but I can guarantee you that my mother has never �walked in on us� because you know what, our relationship was not based on the physical things. Our relationship was deeper than that. But you know what, because people saw me with a guy, I was automatically wild, bad � horrible. Unlike MANY girls in the church, I chose not to hide my relationship. My mother knew, and people in the church knew but for some reason, my honesty and the fact that they saw me with ONE guy, automatically made me a slut. Ironically, the girls who really are sluts, who strut around with guys and hide they�re real boyfriends, are the ones who are supposedly innocent. Why does this happen? It�s sad if you ask me. How did I deal with this situation? Well, I knew exactly who was talking. There was only one possibility. But no one ever told me the real names, therefore, I did not assume. It was not my job to do so. All I could do was pray. And I did. I turned the other cheek and said, �Let them see the fruits.� They can keep talking about me, but take a look at me. Ask me what I was doing Friday night. Ask me who I was with. Ask me when the last time was that I drank. Ask me if I have EVER tried drugs. Ask me! Watch me as I teach YEA. Watch me as I involve myself with all the activities. Then come to me and say, �You�re a slut.� You know what? I am not going to deal with you. I will not be the one to judge you. I can only pray and ask God to deal with you. I have had so many problems with trust in the church. Not just with teenagers, but with everyone! It�s true; the church is just like the world. The church has government, politics - drama. I thought we were striving to be better. I am not saying that I am perfect. Come on, this whole time I have been proving I am not. But I admit that. I accept it when I make a mistake and do not make excuses for it. I will not condemn or judge others harshly because I have been there and I know what the bible says. That is not how you deal with it. I have sinned too. I will not be the one to throw the first stone. And moreover, I will not be the one to speak ill of people. That, my friend, is SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS. The lack of trust that I have witnessed in the church is so scarring. I remember people saying that in certain situations, it helps to talk to a minister or to a pastor. After all, they are men of God. But there was a time when I could not trust. Because even though they were ordained by God, they are still human. And I feared that they would speak about the things that I entrusted them with. So I held back. Now I have changed this. I am slowly but surely learning to trust again, but witnessing this situation is pushing back again. Throughout people�s journals, I see, I hear and I watch as word spreads through different people and as different ministers and pastors visit these websites. What happened to confidentiality? What happened to Christianity? I don�t know if anything I have said really makes sense, but I will provide some light after drowning you in all this darkness. Despite my experiences in the church, there are good people. There are people there who really do strive, who are such good beautiful people inside. People who I wish I could be. They do exist. Their existence is proof that it is possible to be a good Christian in this evil world. Then why don�t we all strive to be that way instead of dwelling on a situation, TALKING ABOUT IT and BLOWING IT OUT OF PROPORTION? P.S. I am not going to Camp Heritage this year. First of all, I am afraid of dramas. Second of all, I cannot afford it (although if I really wanted to go, it wouldn�t matter). Third of all, I don�t think it would be as much fun as it has been before. All these people WHO ACTUALLY MAKE CAMP FUN (and that is CLEAN fun despite what some parents and ministers will have you believe) aren�t allowed to go. And Mr. McNeely made a speech last year about cut downs so I am not expecting the same excitement, the same relationships, and the same everything. I don�t know. It just doesn�t seem the same this year. Fourth of all, I applied but I don�t know if I�ll get accepted. I am probably one of the people that they want to cut down on. *SIGH* What can we do? There is only so much� just think of me as the pages in your diary by Jihan [http://www.livejournal.com/users/joejhon] So… yeah. So basically, what happened, so that I may explain this situation with more coherence, is that some lady saw my lj, and obviously had a lot of time on her hands. She went and read a vast majority of it and was “shocked” and “appaled” that a UCG TEEN COULD HATE THE WORLD SO MUCH, AND COULD SPEAK SO MUCH OF SEX AND DRUGS AND ALCOHOL. Becase, you know… Ucg teens have never had sex, have never done drugs, and never drink. Ever. -drip drip drip- She was appaled that I could hate this whole world and this whole country so much, and the vast majority of the people in it. Look around. The world is miserable, what? I’m supposed to love it? I’m supposed to be pleased with it. This is where the hypocracy comes into play. How in the world is the church going to say “love not the world” and then when I express my disdain for it, I get reprimanded, and everyone is SHOCKED?? Give me a break, it’s completeney normal. To that lady, the only thing I have to say is: Look around. I don’t know about your child, but if you truly believe I’m a bad person, and you are appaled at my behaviour, you need to know that I’m nothing. So many kids you may see in church every week are the same kids who have done so much more stuff than I have. I haven’t done drugs, Im a virgin, I don’t cut, I don’t have any tattoos, I don’t steal, I don’t go to rich kids parties and smoke their pot or do their cocaine. I don’t hang out with bad people. A great many of my friends are edge. Some of my friends wish they were edge. You seem to know the slang of the day, so I’m not going to explain the exression “straight edge” I think it’s self-explanitory. On Friday nights, where am I? Oh, that’s right. I’M AT HOME EATING SABBATH DINNER. If I am unable to attend church on Saturdays, what am I doing? Oh that’s right. HONOURING THE SABBATH. I’m a bad person? I am not. There have been people that have come up to me and have said that they respected me for standing up for what I believe in, for not giving in to so much stuff. You have no idea what I deal with, and I think you were either a very sheltered teenager, or you just forgot what it was like. Just remember that just because a kid is in an organization that upholds the laws of God, DOESN’T mean that kid does. Frankly, I think it’s safe to say that there is a great number of teenagers worse than I, and I don’t mean 4 or 5 out of the thousands. I’m talking about at least half. I don’t say anything to these kids, unless their problems are very serious. If someone is doing something stupid, I pull them aside, and I say “yo. Dude. That needs to cease”. I don’t say anything to or about the rest of the people, because I understand, unlike SOME other teens and their parents, that they’re probably going through the same stuff every average American, no scratch American… ever average TEENAGER is going through. They’re just looking for themselves, and I think it’s only fair to allow them. Let them know the real world before they can fully appreciate God’s. I know many of these teens, in spite of their faults, go to camp and these functions, because it’s like a stress reliever. It is as If by going to a place where there are people just like them who are going through the same things that they are will help make them better people. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t… it’s up to that person. That is basically all I have to say to you on that issue. I don’t want to attack you, because I don’t know you, and I’m sure you’re a nice lady. You clearly are if you are so appaled by what was said. But one thing I DON’T appreciate is the feeling I get that you’re trying to make me look like a bad person—I’m not. I’m not a bad inflence on anyone. And I can say that with confidence. I do apologize for letting my “filth” into your house. But worry not, for it won’t happen again. I’m sorry if I’ve influenced your child in any bad way, although I really don’t believe I have. To have a parent as caring as you, I am sure that your child is not only homeschooled, but knows the perfect way to follow God’s way of life. I’m sure you’ve done well with your child, and I mean that. I might have an idea as to whose parent you are, and If I might say so, you’ve raised a good kid. The second thing I have to say is to any ministers that have read this journal, and I’m sure like, all of them have. All I can really say is. Um. Yeah, I’m sorry if any of you guys were offended in my quest to find out who I really am and why this world is so monstrous. Oh right, it’s monstrous because of Satan, and I’m sure you guys think that I’m so bad I might as well be his sister. I know some ministers already thought I was naughty, because of my style of dress and me allegedly “breaking the rules” at camp. To be quite honest, I don’t see anything I’ve done wrong there. The shirt incident? I was TOTALLY oblivious. One thing I DON’T appreciate though, Is being accused of CUTTING SHIRTS MY FIRST YEAR OF CAMP, when I clearly didn’t. wait. I might have. But I cut it so that I may have something to do on my way home from camp. Wait, scratch that. I still don’t think I cut at camp. AND I DID NOT MAKE SHIRTS FOR ANYONE AT CAMP. Know this, accept it, embrace it. If people were walking around with shirts all reconstructed, I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. I’m completely innocent on that one. I tried to explain this previously, and I was basically shut down. I never got a chance to clarify this. Secondly, I’m sure you are all as appaled as said parent. I don’t think I would be. If any minister is unaware that teenagers are going through a lot of the same, and even more SERIOUS issues than I am going through, needs to really re-connect with each of their congregations, and make some changes ESPECIALLY AT CAMPS. A lot of people that go to camp, including me, although they feel safe on one level, they don’t on others. Many issues are not touched upon. I feel that a lot of problems a teenager may have are not addressed, and if they are, they are deemed as “bad”. I get the vibe that everyone feels that you can’t be upset or depressed. You must be happy, happy all the time, or you’re “to effected” by the world. PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL PAIN. Some people deal with it better than others. Maybe if these issues were discussed, rather than avoided, there would be happier teenagers. I also don’t appreciate being called “troubled”. I am not troubled. I just have a lot of stuff to deal with. I’m not going to SNAP at any given moment. I’m not crazy. I’m not a nutjob, a head case, nutty, or whatever. I’m not. I’m NORMAL. Maybe not normal to you, because you guys are on a higher spiritual level than I am. I’m not saying this to mock anyone, because it’s true. But, sometimes. I think that in order to fully understand a person, you must “stoop” to their level. If you wish to understand me (although I’m sure your desire to is minimal) I think you have to stoop to my low level, otherwise, you will never be able to grasp what my mind thinks and how I feel. You will never even BEGIN to understand me, unless you try, and to be quite honest, no one has tried. Again, I do apologize for any egos, feelings, emotions, etc. I may have hurt. Although I doubt anyone is that hurt, because after all, I’m an insignificant teenager, and to quote some person that wasn’t man enough to reveal their identity, I live a “sorry existence”. I really am insignificant, and I think you guys have more pressing issues to take care of than a nobody like me. So brush that dirt off your shoulders, dirt meaning me,a nd while you do that, try to find somewhere in your hearts to forgive me. Even if that space is smaller than an electron in a molecule, or even .0000213 of that electron, please do so, it would be very much appreciated. To my parents that may read this. A lot of the things I may have said against you guys was said in a fit of passion. I really DON’T hate you guys as much as you think I do, it’s just that sometimes you guys get on my nerves. A lot. You’re supposed to. It’s that tme in my life where I’m supposed to be irritated by everything you do, and You’re supposed to be exasperated by, and possibly be disgusted with me. I know you are now, and I’m sure any respect that I may have had by you guys has depleted. Greatly. Welps, I DESERVE IT, BEING IT THAT I DID SAY SOME BAD THINGS. I expressed my thoughts in a way that shamed you guys, but don’t be ashamed, because you guys are not me. You guys are upstanding people, and me being such a… riffraff should have no reflection on you. you guys are like, totally perfect to me, and I wish I had what you guys had. Minus me. Although, if I were a parent, I would love me. I like people who are sassy. But whatever. You guys don’t deserve a garbage person like me, and I’m sorry for any inconvenience I may have caused you. To ucg. Sorry if you were offended by anything I wrote against this institution. I’m sure your faith in this institution has not depleted, but your love and respect for me has. The only thing I can say to that is “oh well” were all human. There is nothing much I can do to change it, because you’re al going to remember this. A man could kill someone, and then find a cure for both cancer and AIDS, saving a million lives. But no one cares, because that man is still a murderer. There is nothing he can do. I guess I’ll try and stay out of your way(s). To my FRIENDS I don’t need to apologize to YOU guys, bcause you kids know exactly what I’m going through, and believe there is little that I have done wrong. Not because you’re my friends, just because many of my feelings mirror yours. Not because I’m completely influenced by you guys, it’s because we’re all young, and we all are sailing on the same ship. Thanks for your support though, it is greatly appreciated. It seems like you guys are the ONLY ONES that understand me, and are on my side right now, when like. Hundreds of people are against me. I love you guys more than life. AND FINALLY… So, how do I feel about all this? 1) My excommunication I completely understand, because the way you guys think is pure. I, according to you guys am not. So… to get rid of the disease you must somehow kill it. Kill me, and by kill me I mean get me out. And you have, so I have no hard feelings. I DO wonder how this is supposed to help me, but I guess that’s something I’m going to have to figure out for myself. I’ve been reading a lot today. 2) after what has happened, I feel like an oppressed writer. Like. Eminem or something. I feel the way I’ve always wondered about. Like. Emile Zola when he defended Dreyfus, or the writier that lives in a largely populated Reupilican area that writes against president bush. Or just ANYONE that writes against that … doornail. Chocking on his pretzel. In some ways, I feel really bad for hurting feelings, but in other ways, I feel… like… I dunno. Strong? Because I stand up for how I feel. Someone wound up finding them. –womp-. But whatever, I’ll take my punishment, and I’ll deal with it, and somehow figure out… where I went wrong. I feel it’s going to be a long time before I’m allowed to attend services, because of the things I said, and I feel that it’s going ot be even longer for me to be re-embraced. 3) Don’t ask me any questions about this if I’m not friends with you. You will get either no answer, or very short answers. Like “yea” or “no” or “I dunno”. Maybe even a shoulder shrug. Just don’t expect any more explaining, because I’m done explaining myself. I’m tired of it. You guys think I’m a bad person, fine, if there is any way I may change your mind, ok, I’ll try and do it, but I still have a feeling that it’s not going to matter anyway. Right. It doesn’t. 4) Why am I writing this? I know it doesn’t sound like a full apology, because I’m not wirithing on the floor popping pills, washing them down with rum, beating my chest, tearing my clothes or any of that. But it is an apology. I just wanted to clarify some confusion or things that are being said about me that are UNTRUE. 5) I am going to begin reading “Perks” , and other really emo books. Or something. 6) “I look around, I describe what I see”—Daria. That’s exactly what I did. Describe what I saw 7) One thing, though, one sin that I have NOT commited it LYING. I told the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so I cannot be criticized for THAT. 8) Thanks man for allowing me to dictate this to you. (and for posting it) Since I’m not allowed to go online right now, I needed someone I could trust to type this up as it was dictated. I will not revel the identity of this person, because frankly, due to the influx of anonymous comments that I’ve been getting. I don’t think ANYONE wants to be indentified.Plus, I don’t feel sorry for myself, and I’m not looking for anyone’s sympathy. So don’t accuse me of it. First, understand what I’m talking about. 9) this was too important for an lj-cut. Sorry for raping your friends pages, guys.. but it was far too important.** oh yeah, sry for saying Jesus went to keggers, but if you think about it. Those were like, KEGS of wine. I used “keggers” because I thught the idea was amusing. I realize now that it was disrespectful. 10) this journal is now Friends only My reply... I hope that I don't get anyone in trouble for saying what I am about to say but screw it. Here i go. Yeah sure, the situation isn't happening to me, but I am still saddened by it. People in the church are supposed to strive to be Christians. This involves facing your "brother" or "sister" in Christ, when you think that they have done something wrong. You do not go around behind their backs, talking to pastors, elders and OTHER parents and teens/kids. And no, age does not affect it. Yes we're young. Yes, we're naive. But we are still your "brothers" and "sisters" in Christ. What happened to creative criticism? What happened to looking out for each other? How is it looking out for each other when you ex-communicate (is that what it is?) or disfellowship or better yet (sarcasm) TALK ABOUT PEOPLE BEHIND THEIR BACKS! What is Christian about this? And on top of that...doing it to teenagers no less! Yes, perhaps there are times when we think we're right and nothing will convince us otherwise but how do you expect us to learn if you won't talk directly to us and take DRASTIC and I MEAN DRASTIC actions? What happened to just sitting down and saying, "I believe this is incorrect or inappropriate." And what happened to listening to every side of the story? Like I said, it's not to say that what we have written, done or said is actually inappropriate, but perhaps you should take the time to listen to what things are really about BEFORE YOU ASSUME YOU KNOW IT ALL AND TURN PEOPLE AGAINST OTHER PEOPLE. But you know what, that is just my opinion. It is up to God to deal with the situation. He knows best and He will deal this situation. -Precious Belleza Yutangco http://www.geocities.com/LoCoAnGeL467/enter.html (I am not ashamed. No secrets here.) No worries G, Char...all of U. I LOVE YOU ALL. (Yea I'm lazy, I wrote the same thing in Char's LJ *Hehez*)