And so it happened. I spent the night with him. Now I feel even more confused. I�m confused for me, confused for what it means to my relationship and how it reflects on all those ideals I once held.

I keep telling myself it didn�t really mean anything. I smile at the warmth and happiness we shared, holding one another in the night but the reality� what is the reality? Is it that you can�t be happy with just one person? That we all stray from time to time?

Do I feel guilty because I don�t feel guilty? Can the absence of guilt, real guilt, cause so much worry that it doesn�t really matter? I do know that I look forward to seeing him again. I look forward to just smiling at him knowingly, having the secret no one else knows.

I joked with him that this must be the Clinton definition of sex. Doing everything but� he smiled, saying if I�m willing� LOL. Some things are better left unshared.

When I got to his flat, we had a glass of wine and just talked for an hour, waiting to decide what to eat. I honestly did not feel hungry or like going anywhere. In the end we went to the jazz club though we didn�t stay long � the music sounded awful, not what either of us felt like listening to. The music that had played on his radio had been better.

So we got some take away and headed back to the flat. He made me promise not to tell anyone we got fish and chips. That made me laugh. He should have made me promise not to say what happened later.

Was I seducing him or was he seducing me?

For the first time in a long while I had spent hours just searching for the right outfit in the high street. I bought new underwear, jeans and top, I did my hair and make-up. I looked like I was out for the night. I didn�t pack my toothbrush. I did pack my comb.

He offered to sleep on the floor rather than share the single bed. I wouldn�t hear of it. I told him he wasn�t that irresistible. I also told him I loved him but wasn�t in love with him. I think I told the truth. I also told him I wouldn�t call him, though I did, just to make sure he was OK. He said he�d text me � I expressed surprise he knew how�

What will happen next? What else happened that night? Too much to put into words, too little to predict the future. I�m not leaving my partner and he�s not leaving his wife. Will we become proper lovers? Only time will tell.