�Why do I miss him? That question I just can�t seem to answer. I�ve tried so very hard to forget him, its taken nine years to realise that he won�t go away, that he will never leave my thoughts. I know he shouldn�t be here, up here in my mind, but he is. I�ve tried to let him go, day after day, night after night, but failed. He�s always here inside me, looking at me, with those soft grey eyes of his. Talking to me, holding me, kissing me, he�s still here.�
I was having a quiet drink with a couple of close friends of mine, in a small country pub, in Hampshire. A complete stranger looked interested in me, he was brown haired delightfully appealing but? But? But what, I was sitting there with a sweet white wine in my hand, I held it thinking of him, I took a sip of the alcohol, thinking of him, Steed. How I wanted to be with him, wanted him to hold me, touch me, just to be with me and take me away from this, what I�d become.
I�m divorced yes, a few months ago, it was finally over, signed and sealed. I�d already organised my new apartment, moved in, and suitably decorated it to my taste. Both Peter and I knew that our relationship had ceased to be and so we thought divorce was best for us both, and it was. But I just got on with it, thought that being alone again would help, to be around Peter only aggravated me, well not quite but still I felt uneasy. My friends knew that the separation hadn�t bothered me, in a way it had eased my mind, not wanting to dwell on more emotions. My closest friend Helen, was the only person I had told of my relationship with Steed, she had been terribly supportive, talked it over with me, took my out for drinks trying to get him out of my mind. While Peter still being a huge part of my life then, I couldn�t help but think that it wasn�t right, and she knew also that being alone was probably the best way for me to over come it.
So it has been what nine years? Most of that time Peter had been working abroad, I�d been concentrating on uplifting Knights Industries, and although I thought that work would help me, it only made me feel unhappier. Peter saw the change in me, from the moment he had returned he knew I wasn�t the same young and outgoing woman he was once married to. I had changed, even I could see it, the years with the grief of losing him didn�t help, but I got over him. Made a new life for myself, got my own apartment still wrote for Science Magazines and contributed in some of the business side of my life to Knights Industries.
And then at that time I met John Steed, I was casually turning a familiar street to my apartment, when this huge antique of a car, that belonged in a museum braked suddenly. I couldn�t help but to crash into it, it wasn�t damaged I can admit that. But then he appeared, tall elegant a true gentleman, and I�d been absolutely ghastly to him, but then it was my able bodied temper that did that! Anyway after that encounter, I couldn�t see the need not to keep seeing Steed. We became friends, he escorted me to several dinners, and parties, I accompanied him to various functions. After that we were inseparable, and shortly afterwards I became his partner in the Ministry. We had great times together, I swiftly ignored all the cybernauts, diabolical masterminds, death defying cases and simply remembered all the good times we shared. All those long, passionate nights we spent together, all those trips, to little inns I�d never heard of, and that trip to Paris, unforgettable. Just to think about him brought a tear to my eye.
And then it had been abruptly ended by Peter�s return, it had hit me hard, and would have dented Steed considerably. This is how much I�d changed it was Steed who�d made me who I am now, well then, it was him who made me become myself. Peter noticed this, and knew that I would be me own person, not someone who was under control by a man. Steed treated me as an equal, therefore I needed to be treated as an equal, a woman not an underdog, or, a doting busy body, who did everything she was told to do by her husband, and this Peter did not like! Not that he was ungrateful, just he was not used to my personality, not used to this new Emma, and was probably one of the reasons we split, as he loved the old Emma. But because of this I couldn�t simply revert to the Emma, Peter knew and loved, I was my own person now, not my Father�s little girl, not Peter�s young, innocent wife, but Emma Peel a woman who could use her own mind and could now make up her own mind, and to live without interference.
'I made a mistake Steed, I know that now, I realised that very night beside him and not you Steed. How much I must of hurt you Steed, I�m sorry, sorry for all I�ve done to you.'