Belinda works at the dusty sill of the bedroom window, creating her very own
toy. Such a toy is beyond anything she's ever dreamed of, but if she can do
this, if she can harness the buzz of invention, she feels as if her whole world
might change.
Bertram, her stepfather, with his "workshop" in the basement, has never made a
toy just for her, though he has made hundreds of blocky little trains and
ducks-on-wheels with pull-strings, painting his creations with bright happy
colors and hawking them at various craft fairs, low rent church bazaars, and
school fund raisers--places charging only ten dollars for the table space. She
has always believed that Bertram is beastly in this respect, withholding the
toys, saying they are for sale only, claiming we need the money and besides,
these are stupid toys, toys for vacationers and ignorant grandmothers and rich
people who act on whim. Belinda knows how many toys get returned home,
lying useless in bins and trash bags until their next bazaar excursion, but she
has learned not to point this out to their owner. But now, for the first time
in her life, she senses that she herself is making something better than
Bertram could have ever created. Playtime is dangerously close.
Bertram works primarily with wood. He likes to stay inside, in what he calls
a "controlled environment". He's tried outside jobs, but he suffers
from too many allergies--flowers, pollen, insects, mold--and his skin breaks
out even when he gets too much sun. He turns red, and blotchy. Bertram has
tried various factory positions, but ends up coming home puffed up, eating
Benadryl and soaking in an Epsom salt bath laced with Kiri oil. He says he's
sensitive to cleaning solvents-so he just can't take those jobs any more. Such
workplaces contain too much threat for him.
Belinda's mom had asked him, three months back, while at their usual Saturday
night bean supper hosted by the local Moose lodge to which Bertram certainly
wasn't a member-she'd asked
him why the wood dust from his saw didn't get to him, or why the paints and
paint thinners in his little home shop had no effect upon him. Belinda,
reaching for the ketchup even though she'd been taught better, accidentally
knocked over her juice before he had time to reply. The three of them exited
the bean supper without eating a bite. Bertram had been immediate, merciless,
both to her and to her mom; the car ride crashed against the cramped glass interior,
and entry into the home bruised the air.
Bertram gave Belinda's mom a wooden heart the next day, with lace he'd glued
all around the edge and the words I LOVE YOU! painted across it in
white. She'd hung it up in the kitchen window and everything was all right.
Belinda has stolen a spool of red thread from Bertram's workshop. She knows
that if he catches her with it he will try to make her regret it. But the
thread is all she needs to make her toy--that, and patience. It is early
September in New Hampshire, but even so some of the trees have their first
yellow or scarlet leaf popping out amidst the green. Belinda likes the color,
but tries not to let her focus stray out the window. Belinda takes her fifth
grade geography book, and props it into the windowsill to cut down on the
afternoon glint through the glass.
Bertram has told her time and again that she needs to focus. He says
he might give her one of the clown marionettes he's made if he thought she
could master it, but the couple of times he let her try one she failed to
coordinate the clown's movements according to Bertram's instruction. Belinda
recalls the first time, how she was confused by the twisted strings, how
Bertram hardly gave her a chance before he ripped it away from her grasp, then
smacked her hands. He called her "Fumble-linda" for a week. The
second time she quit it in frustration, throwing it down, scarring a small mark
into one of the wooden feet. Bertram swore at her for ruining his hard work.
When he began to undo his belt she tried to run to her mother, but he chased
her down, catching her in the hallway, and he strapped her ten times, each
whip-blow full of arcing sting and
blood-letting. He backed her mom away from coming to her, belt dangling from
his hand, eyes full of feral power, snarling about how he was teaching the
child not to quit, teaching her to have respect for property and hard work, for
herself and for other people. Next morning his wife had a sweet little carved
owl to add to the large collection of birds he'd made for her.
The window light catches Belinda's reflection--and she sees the seriousness
in her blue eyes, a blinkless stare over her work. She relaxes her face,
blinks, and decides to tie back the loose strands of honey-colored hair. Belinda
puts down the thread that she's tied into a tiny slip knot, fixes the hair,
takes stock of the trees and the sun just beginning to settle on their tops in
its descent. When she picks up the thread once again and resumes her work, a
voice whispers her name beyond the bedroom door.
Bertram has made Belinda work at the selling events, though he never lets
her handle the money. He sorts and counts the toys by type, marking each bin or
cardboard box the night before a fair. It is always Belinda's job to set them
on the table. She is responsible for presentation, and for bird-dogging any
would-be thieves. She is responsible for the unsold take-home count to match up
with the take-home money. Last Christmas, at the Woolford Community Church
Crafts Fair a little girl got her hand slapped when she touched the homemade
doll dresses at the next table over, and she was still crying when she trundled
behind her mother and stopped at their wooden toys table. Bertram was away at
the time, buying himself some chili from the Youth Group's food pavilion.
Belinda called to the girl's mother, said I want to give her this. The
woman screwed up her mouth, but she let Belinda give the toddler a little
doll's chair, its seat strung with inexpensive hemp rope, the entire affair painted
a bright yellow. When Belinda and Bertram got home and the count was one off he
held her responsible. Inside, she did not regret it.
The voice is an octave higher now, and there's a jiggling to the doorknob.
Someone wants to play
one of his games. Belinda's room is sparse. She is not allowed to decorate, to
color and cover in designs of her own choosing. She has a bed, a card table
desk with a folding chair, a closet
she must keep neat. Bertram has stenciled rabbits racing about the top of the
room, but in Belinda's eyes the window has always been the room's most
attractive feature. She spends most of her time either in her studies of people
and far-away places, or by simply staring at the world outside. Dusk is coming
on now. Belinda likes it best when the sky turns dark, promising a storm, and
the trees begin to press back, their leaves flipping up, exposing their
undersides. Bertram ceases to call her name, and demands that she open the
door.
She is patient, stays with her task. There is care in her design--she must be
prepared for opportunity. She focuses, despite the distraction outside her room.
The banging on the door begins with a curse--but there is a different anger, an
entirely new roil of energy--bumping at the darkening windowpane. Bertram
yells that he knows how to pick the cheap lock, but Belinda chooses not to hear
him. She darts forward to the pane and cinches the knot--a knot she knows
well--then slips her right hand to the end of the thread and pulls her toy back
from the window. She is hopeful, nods to herself that this will work as the
thread goes taut, extending from her hand.
The door stings open, but the big man pulls up short for once. Bertram immediately
drops the belt and backs up against the wall. All the external threats in his
life suddenly become small, inconsequential, meaningless. His hands turn palms-up,
shake, they try to push away without reaching. Bertram is confronted by a
smile. Belinda walks toward him, holding out and following the toy of her own
making. She sees his face turn white; though she had not thought to share her
creation with him, Belinda's grin broadens with the possibilities of this new
playtime. Her hand holds the red thread, and she weaves it back and forth. Her
prototype hums with possibility-and fury eats at the air as the lassoed wasp
flies outward, promising its best delivery of diversion and pleasure, straining
for a chance.
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