Ass Out of You and Me

	Commander Spock soon found himself regretting being reinstated into Starfleet.  Since he had been absent for over two years it was required by regulations that he undergo a complete and hands on physical exam.  The notion of being poked and prodded was bad enough but he had been scheduled for Christine Chapel since technically she was the head of xenophysiology.  It had been bad enough when Dr. M’Benga had performed the last exam, but with Chapel…  Mentally steeling himself he went to sickbay as ordered.  Once done it would be over with.  
	She thought that for once in his life he was going to be late.  Not that she blamed him but it was a surprise.  Precisely on time Spock appeared at her office door.  With her best professional demeanor she began, “Good afternoon Mr. Spock, if you’ll please undress and put on the gown we can start.”
	The Vulcan was solid as stone, “I would prefer Dr. McCoy’s expertise in this matter.”
	She was waiting for that, “Off the record so would I.  For the record I am head of this department and will log your objection to the exam which will go on your permanent file.  Besides Leonard has his schedule full for the next two weeks.  Let’s just get this over with.”
	Chapel did have the authority to have him drummed out of shipboard duty if she chose to do so.  Spock yielded to the logic of the situation and went into the changing cubicle.  
	The initial exam was basic height, weight, various pressures, and biobed scans.  Everything was text book considering that Spock wrote the book on hybrid Vulcan/Human genes.  
	The dental exam was next and she found a small cavity beginning on a lower molar.  The Human side of Spock made him prone to tooth decay and he was accustomed to this.  Water on Vulcan contained no fluoride.  Chapel treated the tooth and continued.  Finally at the bottom of the list were the testicular and prostate exams.  For the first time in the process Spock said something, “May I make a request.”
	“Sure,” Chapel said as she pulled out the sterile gloves.  
	“Trim your nails,” he said referring to the long well manicured digits on both hands.  
	The request made her laugh and helped to relax her, “Sounds reasonable enough.” 
	Trimming only the fingers she’d be using down to less dangerous lengths she put on the gloves.  Like two adversaries facing each other in the ring they waited for some signal.  Resolutely Christine stepped forward, “All right, turn your head and cough.”
	He did so and she found out what was required for the report.  Adding lubricant to the dulled fingers she instructed, “Turn around, bend over, and grasp the table please.”
	Spock took a deep breath, did as she said, and began reciting the times tables in his head.  Before he could get past 2 x 20 she was done and the exam was officially over.  It had not been as unsettling as the last time.  He also did not feel anything emanating from her touch.  She had studied well on Vulcan.  
	“That’s all I needed.  Please redress and I’ll see you in my office,” she said and left him alone.  
	As he dressed he could hear the conversation in the other room.  “Scotty have a seat, it’ll be a minute or two.  Oh while we wait look at these, hot off the press.”
	The chief engineer’s voice was clearly heard, “Good God lass, it’s huge.  And green?’
	“Yeah Vulcan green, hybrid.  Have you ever seen anything so big in your life?  I can just imagine the thrust capacity.” 
	“Aye it’d be something to test first hand.  Have you gotten to ride it yet?”
	“No, but someday I will,” she promised, “What a crotch rocket.”
	Spock was as speechless as he could ever remember.  But he couldn’t stay in the cubicle forever and soon Chapel knocked, “Spock did you fall in?
	Anger so blinding he could barely see straight took over his thinking.  Emerging with eyes full of fire he addressed the smiling physician, “Your professional title not withstanding doctor I will report this and have you broken out of the service.” 
	It was Chapel’s turn to be speechless but she soon found her voice, “Computer lock exam room.  Begging your pardon, sir, but what the bonnie blue hell are you talking about?  I performed a standard thorough physical exam on you that you passed without a problem.”
	“And proceeded to speak to Mr. Scott regarding the matter not five minutes later; it is a flagrant breach of doctor patient confidentiality,” Spock 
insisted but Chapel’s sudden burst of hysteria stopped him.  
	“Oh my God…” she finally managed and tried to explain.  “I was showing Scotty the newest model of crotch rockets—motorcycles.  The new color this year is Vulcan green, a copper with an overlay of a khaki green that makes it change colors in the light.”
	Spock was dumbstruck.  Since his encounter with V’Ger he had been so befuddled he’d forgotten what living with Humans had taught him: never assume.  “I beg forgiveness.  I should have known better than to suspect either you or Mr. Scott of such conduct.”
	Chapel sobered immediately, “I do hope so.  Mr. Spock I want to stress the fact that I take my job, my patients, and my reputation very seriously.  It’s my life and I worked my ass off getting it back on track.  I will never discuss your or anyone else’s files, exams, or confidences in such a fashion.  Do you understand?”
	“Yes, I readily admit to being at fault,” Spock said humbly, “And I do understand.”
	“Good.  Now you can go and tell Scotty it’s his turn,” he said and unlocked the door.  As he left she couldn’t help but wonder about another particular Vulcan green crotch rocket and chuckled through the chief engineer’s entire exam.  

FIN