My First MiSTing
Louis Nemzer
lnemzer@yahoo.com

One of my favorite television shows of all time would have to be “Mystery Science Theater 3000.” (For the uninitiated, the show consisted of an average guy who was held captive by a mad scientist and forced to watch bad movies. He maintained his sanity by listening to his robot friends mercilessly ridicule the movies. Short skits called “host segments” that occur outside the viewing room are interspersed throughout the show.) I was happy to learn about a genre of fan-fiction (speculation episodes written by fans) in which authors “MiST” works of other authors (most commonly, the fanfics of other shows. I guess in that case it would be a “meta-fanfic.”)

All characters are copyright Best Brains
MST3K reserves the right to be the greatest show ever made.

One of my friends is considering assimilating some of my jokes into his (non-Mist) script, pending my assent.  

It has come to my intention that a very similar Spam has already been Misted by Alex Gariepy (alexgariepy@home.com). Fortunately, I believe that the overlap is minimal.  

[Satellite of Love: Joel is sweeping the floor while Crow and Servo watch]

Joel: You know, guys, you “could” help me tidy up this place.

Crow: We’re giving you “moral support”

Joel: “moral support”?

Servo: Well, think about it this way, at least it’s better than the alternative.

Joel: [Sigh] Why can’t you guys be more like Gypsy? At this very moment she is cleaning the intake manifolds.

Crow: I hope you remembered to turn off the isometric thrusters this time.

Joel: Well, I… [Indicator light blinks] No time for that now, we’ve got a call from the odd couple!

[Presses a button] 

Dr. Forrester: [On the view screen] Greetings, my pathetic captives! My, what a beautiful day it is!

Joel: If I may, sir, you look unusually cheerful today.

Dr. Forrester: Why, yes, I do feel wonderful today. I feel so good, in fact, that I’ve decided not run an experiment on you today.

Joel: Wow, sir! Really?

[Dr. Forrester’s Smile changes from cheerful to evil]

Dr. Forrester: Of course not, you fool – tormenting you is exactly what makes me so happy!

Joel: Darn. I thought that just maybe…

Dr. Forrester: What?

Joel: Just for a second I thought you have finally depleted all of the evil machinations in your mind and decided to, um, maybe, possibly, set-me-free?

Dr. Forrester: Au Contraire, my hapless guinea pig! My limitless evil will never be exhausted!

[Maniacal Laughter]

Joel: [Trying to change the subject] Um, sir, maybe, we should discuss the invention exchange for this week.

Dr. Forrester: Of course…Well, my feeble prisoner, you are privileged today to witness history as I inaugurate the latest fruit of my genius… Frank!

[Frank enters holding a small device]

Frank: Here it is, your nefariousness!

Dr. Forrester: Thank you, Frank. You see, Joel, I realized that as my plans for world domination are nearing completion, they lack one key element… namely, how to control every waking moment of each of my subjects. But that too shall soon fall into place… I present to you the prototype of my latest invention… The Omnibug 950!

Joel: How does it work?

Dr. Forrester: I’m glad you asked… and correctly read my queue cards… it’s so simple! I merely graft the Omnibug 950 to the brain steam of the subject, as I have already done with Frank.

Frank: You what! [He turns around, his hand on an Omnibug on back of his neck] When did you…?

Dr. Forrester: [ignoring] I then take this control panel and can instantly monitor and control Frank’s thoughts and body functions. With a push of a button I can control his emotions and, if I so desire, inflict mind-numbing pain… like so!

[Dr. Forrester pushes a button. Frank begins screaming and convulsing with pain. This lasts for about twenty seconds and ends with him collapsing on the floor.]

Dr. Forrester: Ah… You know, Joel, this is very therapeutic! [Pauses, then grandiosely] Soon everyone will have an Omnibug and will bow to my whim!

[Maniacal laughter]

Joel: Um, sir, maybe we should now discuss my invention…

Dr. Forrester: Ah, yes. [Puts down control. Frank is still twitching on the floor] You know, Joel, I take great interest in your inventions because they help me monitor how your creative skills are slowly becoming warped.

Joel: Well, anyway, sir, here it is [unveils his invention]

Dr. Forrester: What the…

Joel: Well, sir, you know how much people love to play darts…

Dr. Forrester: Yeah…

Joel: Well, dartboards are real heavy and hard to move around, so I present to you:

Servo: [Trumpet Flourish]

Joel: The inflatable dartboard!

Dr. Forrester: What!?

Joel: Sure! You just… Blow into this tube and…

[Inflates the dartboard. It has a picture of Crow on it]

Crow: Hey!

Dr. Forrester: You fool! That is by far the most idiotic invention that I…

Joel: Just wait, sir… Let me demonstrate…

[He puts it on the wall and throws a dart at it. It deflates into a tangle of plastic]

Joel: Well, that was unexpected!

Crow: Joel, next time you get an idea like that, just smash yourself over the head with your glass hammer!

[Crow and Servo break out into uncontrollable laughter]

Servo: Or maybe you should use your ice screwdriver!

Crow: Or your tin foil sledgehammer!

Servo: Or your aluminum baseball bat!

[Crow stops laughing]

Crow: That’s not funny!

Servo: Oh, right.

Joel: [Holding the remains of the dartboard] I don’t know what went wrong…

Dr. Forrester: Enough of this tomfoolery… It seems that your mind has deteriorated more rapidly than I thought… [Pauses for a moment, then continues, unconcerned] Anywho, today, for your “viewing enjoyment,” I have chosen a delectable commercial mass e-mail.

Crow: Not that! Anything but… SPAM!

Dr. Forrester: Not just Spam, but Spam about Spam! This particular E-mail promotes a mass e-mailing program. Something like writing a fanfic about a show in which the main premise is ridiculing another fanfic. A “meta-Spam,” if you will.

Servo: I don’t care if it’s “metaphysical” or “paranormal,” or whatever – it’s Spam and I HATE IT. Not the regular kind of hate I have for cheep plastic cups or candy that sticks to the bottom of the box… No, it’s a deep seated loathing that starts in my bowels and creeps up my intestines like an alien parasite that will soon burst forth from my body and… 

Dr. Forrester: Now, now, don’t get so melodramatic. Maybe you’ll enjoy it this time… I know I will!

[Maniacal Laughter as view screen goes blank]

Joel: Quick, before Dr. Forrester uploads the Spam… tell me, where did I go wrong?

Crow: Well, first, your father’s sperm fertilized your mother’s egg…

Servo: …and then nine months later – Big Mistake!

[Alarms sound]

Joel: We’ve got Spam sign! Quick, to the torture cham… I mean viewing room!

FROM: pooleo@prodigy.net
TO: pooleo@prodigy.net

Crow: Huh? If he sent this email to himself, how come we’re getting it?

SUBJECT: NEW! 142 MILLION Email Addresses - $149

Crow: Per address, that comes to … [pause] … help me out here guys…

TO BE REMOVED FROM FUTURE MAILINGS, SIMPLY REPLY TO
 THIS MESSAGE AND PUT "REMOVE" IN THE SUBJECT.

Servo: Why? So you can see that I actually read your stupid Spam and send me more? You make me sick! I curse you and the primordial ooze that spawned you!

Crow: <The Tick> I am the chef, and it’s time to serve up a steaming hot bowl of JUSTICE!

Joel: <Angry Beavers> And now, prepare to feel the might of… THE NOODLE STRAINER OF RETRIBUTION!  

   142 MILLION
EMAIL ADDRESSES
  FOR ONLY $149 

You want to make some money? 

Joel: <correspondence course promoter> Sure, we all do!

Crow: Gee, I never really thought about it…

I can put you in touch with over 140 million people at virtually no cost.

Servo: Perfect for those with no friends.

Crow: Or aspiring evil geniuses!

Can you make one cent from each of theses names?

If you can you have a profit of over $1,400,000.00 

Crow: Really? Let’s see… [Pulls out an adding machine] carry the 1…plus the inverse cosine… times the integral of… 

That's right, I have over 142 Million Fresh email addresses that I will sell for only $149.

Joel: <author> I baked ‘em myself, just this morning

Servo: And just who gave you the right to sell other people’s E-mail addresses?

Joel: Now, Servo, I’m sure that he personally asked everyone on the list if it was OK [snicker]

These are all fresh addresses that include almost every person on the Internet today, with no duplications. 

Joel: <author> I stole them from Bill Gate’s desk when he wasn’t looking

They are all sorted and ready to be mailed.  That is the best deal anywhere today!  Imagine selling a product for only $5 and getting only a 1% response.   That’s OVER $7,000,000 IN YOUR POCKET !!!

Joel: Hey, Crow, check this one out too.

Crow: [Covered in adding machine tape] Mim mah mittle muisy…

Servo: I don’t know about him, but my pocket isn’t big enough to hold $7,000,000

Joel: Servo, you don’t have any pockets!

Don't believe it? People are making that kind of money right now by doing the same thing, that is why you get so much email from people selling you their product....

Servo: You mean those insensitive jerks…like you?

it works!  I will even tell you how to mail them with easy to follow step-by-step instructions I include with every order.

Crow: The complete moron’s guide to spamming

Servo: Also known as, “Selling Your Soul for Fun and Profit”

I will send you a copy of every law concerning email. It is easy to obey the law and make a fortune.

Crow: But even easier when you don’t!

These 142 Million email addresses are yours to keep, so you can use them over and 
over.

Servo: You disgust me, you scum of the earth!!!

Crow: Take it easy, Servo…

Servo: I cannot believe that anyone purporting to be human could stoop to the level where he can encourage others to Spam – not once, but multiple times!

Joel: <Emperor> Come to the dark side, Luke!

They come on a collection of several CDs.

Crow: Not sold in stores! Order now and get “Muzak: The Greatest Hits” free!

Joel: No COD’s

This offer is not for everyone.

Servo: Like those with some semblance of morality or human decency.

If you can not see the just how excellent the risk / reward ratio in this offer is then there is nothing I can do for you.

Servo: Reward: Ill-gotten gains. Risk: Being beaten to a bloody pulp by an angry mob.

To make money you must stop dreaming and TAKE ACTION.

Crow: Wow! Spam that sells Spam! It’s like a self-replicating virus invading cyberspace!

Servo: Like to Melissa virus, or Windows 95!

Joel: Now, now, Servo. Windows is one of the many fine products produced by the wonderful people of Microsoft, and is certainly not a virus. Remember, Microsoft is the leading innovator of software solutions and…

[Servo pushes Joel into the next seat over]

Joel: What the… Oh, thanks. You never know when Bill Gate’s mind control rays will strike!

[Intermission]

[Bridge]

Servo: Hey, Joel! Check out our demo tape for our new movie!

Joel: Another one?

Crow: Yeah! This one’s really good – just watch! 

[View screen shows the clip. It is very amateurish and the camera shakes visibly. Servo is dressed as a secret agent and tied to a table. Crow is filming and does the over voice]

Overvoice:
From the Producers of “To Mock a Killer Bird,” and “UltraGore” 1,2,3,4, and 5 comes the new action-suspense-thriller mega hit: “Bloodbath: The Ultimate Showdown.” That’s right… All the explicit gore and profanity of “Bloodbath: The Sequel made in order to cash in on the success of the original Bloodbath” with even more famous actresses prostituting their bodies on the big screen for big bucks by disregarding all norms of human decency so that you will watch! 

[Crow puts the camera down and runs on screen. He is dressed in black as the stereotypical bad guy] 

Servo: I told you, I don’t know what the secret code is!

Crow: Is that so? [Pulls out a bottle of orange liquid from under the table] Perhaps this orange soda will refresh your memory!

Servo: No, not my one weakness…

[Fade to Caption]

This movie is rated R so that more kids will be interested.

[View screen turns off]

Crow: So, Joel, do you think Dr. Forrester will be interested in our tape?

Joel: Please…No! It’s not like he doesn’t have enough material to torment us with already!

Servo: Come on, Joel! You can’t compare our work with the drivel Dr. Forrester forces us to watch!

Joel: Are you kidding! All of your movies could make “Dr. Forester’s greatest hits!”

Crow: Now that’s just mean!

[Alarms sound]

Joel: We’ve got Spam sign! Let’s go! 

…THREE PACKAGES - BRONZE (addresses ONLY)
                                SILVER  (mailing software included)
                                GOLD     (everything to make the Internet
                                                your personal bank account)

Crow: The Internet my own personal bank account? Say no more! Impressive hyperbole like that need not make sense!

…Copyright 2000, 2001

Please NOTE: This advertisement is NOT sponsored by ANY Internet Service Provider.

Servo: I certainly hope not… If I ever find an ISP in cahoots with a spammer, I will personally go and…

Joel: Write a respectful but firm letter of complaint!

Servo: I was going more for “personally disemboweling every single employee and nuking the corporate headquarters.”

Crow: Chill out, Servo! Save some of your indigence for the spammer himself!

Servo: You don’t understand… If I ever run into anyone guilty of the heinous crime of actually sending Spam, my wrath shall never be quenched!!!

Joel: OK…

Servo: [Continues ranting] I have become an angel of vengeance… The nemesis of all that would annoy for profit! My fury is swift in coming, my indignant wrath is unleashed without mercy, and my very name premonates misfortune for mass-emailers! I…

Crow: Snap out of it!

Servo: Oh… was I ranting again?

Joel: Um, Yeah.

This is an advertisement that is produced and sponsored by CyberData for CyberData to reach potential customers.

Crow: <Darkwing Duck> I am the terror that flaps in the night…I am the speed bump on the road of crime… I am…

Joel: Really starting to annoy me!

Servo: [Quietly] Destroy CyberData…Destroy CyberData…

Joel: Servo!

Servo: Sorry… I’m OK now.

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, or abridging the freedom of speech or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.         
    
Amendment I, The US Constitution

Crow: What has this got to do with anything? Has he suddenly gone patriotic on us?

Joel: I think he’s trying to convince us that he has a constitutional right to send us Spam.

Servo: Oh, sure! Drag the constitution into this! Thousands of American soldiers gave their lives so that we might live in a country with liberty and the freedom to Spam!

[Bridge, Later]

Crow: All this talk about computer viruses gives me an idea how to escape.

Joel: Escape? How?

Crow: Well, our only contact with the outside world is our computer/video link to deep 13 right?

Joel: [Doesn’t know where this is going] Yeah…

Crow: If we can download a Trojan-horse virus into Dr. Forrester’s computer, we can commander control of the satellite and steer with the manual controls over there.

[Points to a group of levers, buttons, etc.]

We can land this thing back on Earth and be rid of Dr. Forrester forever!

Joel: I don’t know about this, Crow, Dr. Forrester must have a powerful firewall to keep out all but the most expert hackers!

Crow: How hard could it be?

[Crow types on the computer while Servo and Joel watch]

Let’s see… we go… “Enter Password”… Hum, what’s his password?

Servo: Try “IMASTUPIDHEAD”

Joel: Servo!

Servo: [Snicker]

Joel: OK, try “Evilgenius”

Crow: Alright, I’m in! There’s “Evil Plans”… “Diabolical Experiments” … “Baby Pictures” … Here it is! “Satellite Control!” … “Enable manual control”… Just a few more keystrokes and…

[Dr. Forrester suddenly appears on the view screen. Behind him is a computer terminal that displays the previous activity, but Dr. F doesn’t notice]

Joel: Why, Dr. Forrester, what a pleasant surprise!

Dr. Forrester: So Joel, I just wanted to ask if you enjoyed our latest “experiment”

Joel: Oh, yes Sir!

[Dr. Forrester: is about to turn around]

…And, I must say, your lab coat makes you look particularly fiendish today!

Dr. Forrester: Well, Joel, it seems that your obsequiousness has definitely increased lately. Why do you constantly proverbially lick my proverbial boots?

Joel: Well, sir, it might have something to do with the fact that you have complete control over my entire existence…

Dr. Forrester: Why yes, I guess I do…

[Evil Grin]

Joel: [Sees that Crow is almost finished]

Joel: But not anymore! Now Crow!

Crow: Now what?

Joel: [Types the last command]
 [It shows up on both computers and Dr. Forrester: hears his computer beep. He turns to it]

Dr. Forrester: What the? Oh, I see! Well, your jubilance will be short lived… OVERRIDE!

[Joel and Dr. Forrester both type feverishly on their respective computers]

Joel: We’ve got control! Servo, fire the thrusters!

Servo: The what?

Joel: The thrusters!

Servo: You expect me to know how to fly this thing?

Joel: Do something! Hurry! He’s about to override us!

Servo: OK… [Pulls random levers]

[Satellite shakes violently as it hurtles through space. Alarms sound]

Dr. Forrester: [Evil laugh] Perhaps your little subterfuge was not very well thought out!

[Joel tries to steer but cannot steady the satellite]

Joel: Please Dr. Forrester, don’t let us die!

Dr. Forrester: You really expect me to save you from your own meddling? Well, it would be a pity to lose such a wonderful test subject. Alright…

[Satellite stops shaking]

Well, your little escapade has come to naught! Perhaps you will now learn to accept your fate as my eternal prisoner!

[Evil laugh as screen goes blank]

Crow: Well, so much for that plan… Who’s for hopscotch?

Servo: I’m in.

[They leave. Joel picks us the broom and resumes sweeping]

END