by MLLASH
Boredom and Cosmic power do NOT mix well, he knew from experience. Last time he got really bored, he cosmically vice-squeezed an entire multiverse into ONE PLANET. People were STILL hollering about THAT one. SHEESH!
What to do? What to do? WAITAMINNIT! It had been literally EONS since he had explored his OWN multiverse. There's no telling WHAT he had been missing!
"SWEETIE!!!" he called, applying his supplicant tone-of-voice.
"No, Conny, you may NOT destroy the LMB today!" Worthless Girl called back from the cosmic kitchen.
"No, no, no, not THAT. We're going on a little ROAD TRIP, darling! It's time for a VACATION!"
Worthless Girl entered the room, hands on her hips. "Vacation from WHAT, Conny dear? It's not like you WORK or anything. You're an all-powerful cosmic being. Not like ME. Sure, you may have imbued me with a fraction of cosmic power, but I still have to cook dinner by hand! Speaking of which, we're having those fried Xynthian acid-beast hotwings you're so fond of."
The Living Retcon supressed a shudder and replied, "I have an entire MULTIVERSE to rule, woman!" With a wave of his hand, the acid-beast hotwings were retconned out of existence. "We're dining OUT! C'mon!"
"OOoooh, Conny...I LOVE it when you go all empyrean! Fine then. Let's go see this multiverse of yours!"
With that, the Fred & Ethel of the Retconverse vanished, ready to make their first stop.....
POP!
The Living Retcon & Worthless Girl appeared in one of the many realities that he was the sole ruler of.
The Living Retcon let loose his cosmic awareness..."Hmmmm...this reality seems to be set a solid 10 years after the formation of the hated LMB in 2999..."
"LMB?!?" Worthless Girl exclaimed. "Conny, you're OBSESSING! I thought we were taking a VACATION here..."
"And we ARE, my dear! Let us see what transpires in this section of my mutiverse..."
They appeared over the site of LMB Headquarters. "CONNY!" "Patience, my pet..." The Living Retcon interjected, "...Since we are here already, let us see what is happening with the LMB in the year 3009..."
They were shocked to find The Mighty Fan Boy Man Man presiding over an emergency meetng of the LMB of the future.
"Comrades...you all are aware that I am the ONLY survivor of the original LMB...I happened to be off duty when The Time Mouse Trapper and Whoredru launched their devestating conjoining attacks... even my wife Princess Crujectra was slain... but I am here to tell you that this day will see the END of these two threats... and VENGEANCE for our founding fathers & mothers!"
A cheer went up from the crowd of assembled Second-generation LMBers.
The Living Retcon & Worthless Girl noticed assembled amongst the throng
Holy Hannah (daughter of Dev-Em), Hummer Woman, Kid Therod II (son of Kid Therod), Debauchary Damsel, The Wonder-Lard Twins (Lardlad's kids), Girl Woman (Lardlad's wife), Ejaculad (former member recently returned), Ample Boy (son of Bipolar Boy), as well as many former foes of the LMB who had reformed, such as Dirty Woman, GongRadioFlashlight Man and Behind-You Man.
Former LMB rejectees such as Red Rage were also noticed among the assembled LMBers.
As the LMBers were cheering to The Mighty Fan Boy Man Man's rallying cry of "SWEET ASS SWEET"... Whoredru & The Time Mouse Trapper appeared, primed to destroy this latest assemblage of the LMB!
"Ugggh..." The Living Retcon said, "...This reality is FAR too...grim & gritty for my taste."
"Mine too" Worthless Girl agreed. So The Living Retcon waved his arm and this particular reality where Whoredru & The Time Mouse Trapper had joined forces CEASED to exist.
The 2 vanished in a puff of celestial smoke, ready for a more LIGHTEHEARTED reality.....
POP!
"Well, isn't THIS a quaint little reality?" Worthless Girl commented.
"Indeed, my rose petal. Well, whaddaya know...looks lke this reality's version of LMB HQ!"
Worthless Girl rolled her eyes and sighed in unison, growing weary of his LMB fixiation.
"Well, since we're HERE already, let's pop in and see.."
"YEAH YEAH YEAH...just DO it already!" Worthless Girl interjected, agitated.
The Living Retcon teleported them inside LMB HQ. Almost instantly, he regretted doing so. This version of the LMB was in the middle of assembly...
Loser Snake and Newcru Cat, the current leaders, were updating LMBers on various enemies. The Living Retcon was stunned to see Lard Aardvark, Lash Llama, and Shadowplay In Candlelight Mink. The costumes matched those of the LMB he knew, but this reality had never know humans, only funny animals.
Beagle Boy barked out a request for an update on The Time Mouse Trapper.
"They'll get to him, Beagz." SharkLad responded.
"Next order of business for the Legion of Mighty Beasts..." Loser Snake began.
Still watching, kept hidden from sight, The Living Retcon turned to Worthless Girl. "Uh, honey...?"
"Yes, Conny?" she replied robotically, transfixed by the humanesque animal LMB (especially Swine Tart and Cobalt Bat's snuggling).
"May I destroy THIS LMB?"
"HHHhhhmm..." she pondered, "...I guess they're kind of CUTE in a way. Better not. Though it IS tempting!"
"BAH! Let's go EAT, then!"
"At a DIFFERENT reality though, Conny. I don't wanna risk eating one of Bellbookcandle Cow's relatives or something."
"Agreed."
Again, the cosmic duo vanished...
POP!
...and appeared in a massive Viking-style Mead Hall.
"HEAVENS!" Worthless Girl exclaimed, "We're so...TINY."
"Yes, my puppy snout...It would appear that this is indeed a GODLY realiy...My cosmic awareness informs me that this is Mount OLMBpus...home of the LMB Gods!"
The duo shuddered as voices like thunder boomed out from the dining table.
"SPACE WENCH! THOU SHALT BRING ME MORE WINE, OR TASTE THE FLAT OF MY ENCHANTED BLADE, FORSOOTH!"
Space Wench looked at Pyschoto, the diety of wine, with contempt on her face and replied "STILL THY TONGUE, PYSCHOTO, LEST I, AS DIETY OF CARNALITY, INSURE THAT THEE HAVE A DRY SPELL FOR A MILLENIA!"
Psychoto turned away, grumbling under his breath.
The Living Retcon and Worthless Girl were in awe of the spectacle. These gigantic LMBish dieties were HUGE, almost beyond description.
Fanboyus, diety of youth, turned to Morteorb, diety of expression, and told of his pleasure with tonight's meal. The sound of their voices was enough to shake the foundation of the heavens.
Conversation between Greystarre, diety of the air, and Goonne, diety of forgetfulness, threatened to shatter Worthless Girl's eardrums.
In a flash of mirrored smoke, Lucienor, diety of glamour, appeared.
"BEHOLD, BROTHERS & SISTERS, TONIGHT'S ENTERTAINMENT..."
The sights and sounds were more than even the Livng Retcon's senses could perceive...
"Conny, I'm HUNGRY...!"
"Yes, my lotus blossom...let us beggone. This reality is...a bit much."
"To say the least."
"Indeed..." the Living Retcon agreed, as they again vanished....
POP!
...and reappeared at the intergalactic McDonald's.
"Hey, big spender...!" Worthless Girl mocked.
"SILENCE!!!" The Living Retcon bellowed. He looked Worthless Girl square in the eye and they both burst out laughing.
"Come, my candy sprinkle... I hear the siren call of a McRib Sandwich."
"Well, I'm having a McSalad Shaker. My girlish figure is going to the Mcdogs."
"Nonsense, rose petal..." The Living Retcon waved his hand, and Worthless Girl's extra pounds were retconned away. And her hooters got bigger.
"...there. All better."
"CONNY!!!! Turn me BACK....!"
"Can't talk--- ordering food..."
Worthless Girl rolled her eyes, but they nearly popped from her head when she recognized the man in the paper hat taking her husband's order.
"CONNY! That's...!"
"YES!" he interrupted, "It is I---" He flung his paper hat to the floor, standing revealed. "---Continuity Man! Your reign of terror ends HERE, Living Retcon!"
"I KNEW we should have gone to Taco Bell..." The Living Retcon grumbled....
And thus began a battle that shook the very boundaries of creation. Worlds lived. Galaxies died. Multiverses rended themselves asunder.
And when it was all said and done, only 2 forms emerged from the cataclysm, throwing off the wreckage of the McDonald's...
2 drastically altered forms...
Where once would have stood a cosmic being with no discernable features but for a near-blinding whitness of crackling energy...
...stood a fat, balding guy.
"Yep...that bastard Continuity Man suuuure did a number on ME!"
"Conny....what has he DONE to you... and to ME???"
"Not 'Conny' OR The Living Retcon now, Baby Smell... just call me Floyd."
"FLOYD??!?" The former Worthless Girl yelled disbelievingly. "FLOYD is the name of the ruler of the Retconverse??"
"I ain't the ruler of the Retconverse any more, honey dew... YOU are."
The former Worthless Girl looked down at her now crackling-with-white-blinding energy body...
"You mean I am now the living embodiment of the awesome power of the retcon???" She was still in a state of disbelief.
"Yep. Continuity Man tried to destroy the power altogether, but the power CAN'T be destroyed...he only succeeded in making it find a new host. You, prolly 'cause you already had a fraction of it anyway. 'Course, I got HIM better'n he got ME..."
"What did you DO to him, Conn... uh.. Floyd? So much cosmic hoo-ha was going on, I couldn't tell."
"Wellp, before the power left me completely, I retconned him into the funny-animal LMB. He's now known as Continuity Platypus... FOREVER."
"Floyd... you BAD boy! Well, I guess its time to get back home. I'll need a lot of time and help to learn to deal with my new situation..." As the former Worthless Girl spoke, Floyd's excess poundage hardened and shaped into taut musculature and he grew a thick mane of hair. "...but I am sure I can deal with it. Although perhaps a name-change might be in order."
"You could call yourself The Worthless Retcon!"
"I'm thinking not...how about Retcon Girl?"
"Retcon Girl it is, then... but you'll always be kitty whiskers to ME!"
"AAAaaawwww, Floyd.... c'mere, hunky... give me a kiss!"
......thus ended the wacky adventures of The Living Retcon & Worthless Girl!
POP!