by LARDLAD (ANTHONY E. TAYLOR)
Lardlad decided to take the long way to the Vagabond Motel. He could easily have 'ported there instantly via the lardforce, but he needed time to think. Partly he had to think about what approach he should take with Pru; partly he just had to get up his nerve.
Instead his thoughts drifted toward his past encounters with Hummer Lass. The momentous event at the holding cell was always in his thoughts, as was the chance meeting at the Shadowplay in Candlelight Lounge which set his current quest into motion. But he also found himself thinking of Pru's hilarious catfight with Space Tart, an infamous event in LMB history.
"Ah, Space Tart..." Lardlad mumbled. She herself had a long history with the LMB. In a way she was a lot like Hummer Lass: vampy, sexy, flirtacious, a provocative dresser, outrageously feminine. She and Pru could've been quite a team...if only they didn't want to claw each other's eyes out! In the end they were too much alike to ever get along. Each wanted ALL the attention and wouldn't share it with anybody!
Space Tart was the most enduring result of LMB nemesis Salad-Tosser Lord's first diabolical genetic experiment. Early in the LMB's existence, he lured a cruiser with an away team of LMBers aboard who were returning from a mission. He set up a distress signal to lure them to the surface of a desolate planet where he housed a hidden lair beneath the surface. The LMBers present, Lardlad, Cobalt Kid, Lash Lad, Sharklad, Beagle Boy, and Goon Boy, all seached the planet's surface looking for the source of the distress signal. At one point Salad-Tosser Lord secretly bathed them in a beam that mapped their genetic codes and relayed the information to a clone processing machine, the Diabolical Genetic Mixer. Other than a shared moment of nausea, the LMBers were unaware of what happened. Baffled as to the signal's source, they decided to continue the trip back home.
Meanwhile, far beneath the surface six clones of the heroes grew in tanks over three weeks's time. But these weren't straightforward duplicates of the donor LMBers; Salad-Tosser Lord had engineered them all to be females for his diabolical plan...to have them infiltrate the male-dominated LMB and sow the seeds of discord as the males would fight over the females, and the females would whip the males into submission! (Salad-Tosser Lord was not a particularly politically-correct thinker, understand!) That was the plan, anyway.
As for the clones themselves, the villain had created quite an unusual brew: Goon Boy's duplicate he named Silicon Sandra--she was so well endowed that Salad-Tosser Lord knew no one would believe they were real! In a playful gesture he named Cobalt Kid's genetic spawn Kitty Pryde's Panties--he knew the name would make the silly boys of the LMB want to get into them that much more! LexBose is what he named the female version of Beagle Boy after two components of his Diabolical Genetic Mixer--it's always traditional to name a child after its parents after all. Unexpectedly, Sharklad's duplicate was a female beaver with a tendency for bizarrely murderous behavior--she was christened Psychotic Beaver. The only failure among the six was HUGEMANBREASTS, created from Lardlad--HMB was a man whose only feminine characteristics were two perfect breasts. Apparently, the wide beam bathed over the away team wasn't wide enough to encompass Lardy's portly form! He would try to pass HMB off as a particularly ugly girl who only had two things to offer (though two marvelous things!).
But the crowning achievement was Space Tart, the product of Lash Lad's genes. She was the most beautiful, the most powerful, the strongest-willed woman of this, or any, group. Salad-Tosser Lord knew his plan would succeed as soon as he layed eyes on this exotic, blue-haired beauty.
However, the poor, naive villain didn't realize that his plan was doomed to fail from its inception. Unbeknownst to him, at least half of the males in the LMB were gay! And the girls and guy weren't exactly team players either.
But Space Tart had a long history with the LMB. She actually served as a member for over a year. And her on-again/off-again torrid relationship with Cobalt Kid was the stuff of legends! A big part of that legend was the infamous scrap with Hummer Lass.
During one of their off-again periods, Cobalt had been occasionally going out with Debauchery Damsel. Few things enraged Space Tart more than Cobalt going out with her. She had become Cobalt's fallback plan during every off-again time. He went out with her more to get Spacey jealous more than anything else. And, boy, did it work!
Space Tart decided to fight fire with fire this time. One night when Debauchery Damsel and Cobalt stumbled into the HQ lounge drunk after a night on the town, she saw her opportunity. She had been having a quiet drink with some of the other members. When she spotted the drunken pair, she quickly grabbed the nearest male to her, Lardlad, and kissed him passionately. To say Lardlad was surprised would be an understatement! But what happened next was even moreso.
Space Tart was just about to release the unwitting LMBer from the embrace to see Cobalt's reaction when she heard a voice boom behind her. "Get away from him!" the voice yelled in anger.
Everyone at the table whirled around to see the source. "Hummer Lass?" the still-dazed Lardlad managed. Sure enough, it was the villainous who often waged guerilla attacks on the straight LMBers.
What followed was the catfight to end all catfights! Hummer Lass yanked the surprised Space Tart out of Lardlad's arms with a handful of Spacey's gorgeous blue hair. "Owww! You bitch!" Spacey screamed and jabbed Pru with a powerful backward elbow blow to the stomache. Pru fell backward taking a handful of Spacey's hair with her.
"My hair! You'll pay for that!" Spacey howled and grabbed for Pru's trademark long ponytail. Before she could get a good hold, Pru whirled with a devastating kick to Spacey's face. Spacey fell to the floor in pain. Pru hovered over her preparing to level both of her fists cupped together down on her nemesis. Before she could, Spacey whipped Pru's legs with her own in a sweeping motion. Her legs cut out from beneath her, Pru fell again to the ground.
Everyone stood agape at the table. Shady was horrified. Beagle and Lash were concerned. Lardy was in a state of disbelief. Loser Lad...well he was eating it up, and he rushed to the intercom, never taking his eyes off the spectacle. "Catfight, everyone! Hurry, you'll miss it!" he practically sang over the loudspeaker.
Meanwhile more blows were being traded by the raging combatants. Nails clawed, high heels buckled, and hair was plucked amid the carnage until at last it appeared Space Tart had the upper hand. Pru was crouched on the floor panting. "Give up?" the apparent victor asked out a helping hand.
"Yes...", Pru replied and began to lift a hand, "...in your DREAMS!"
What happened next is legendary...and one of straight men's wildest fantasies! From her crouched position Pru lunged up toward her opponent. In a fluid motion she grabbed the top of Spacey's bodice then shifted her momentum back down. In an instant the sparse coverings were ripped off, and Spacey's bosom, complete with blue highlights on the ends, was exposed for all present to see!
At the moment it happened, the turbolift opened bringing more LMBers just in time for the main event! The MightyFanBoyMan Lad was distinctly heard to say, "Oh my god! I see Space Tart's boo--!" Sasha was stopped from completing his exclamation by an icy glance from Shady.
Then Dean Lee Lad leapt off the turbolift unholstering his sketchbook. "I've GOT to capture THIS!" he said, voice quivering excitedly.
For a moment Space Tart stood there disbelieving. Only for a moment. Then she shrieked, "Why you little--!" and tore off Hummer Lass's bodice with an animal-like violence. Pru reacted very swiftly and leapt on to Spacey with reckless abandon. The two were rolling all over the floor trading blows, pulling hair and raking flesh with sharp fingernails.
Just then, Loser Lad pulled a lever in a secret wall compartment, and suddenly a huge monsoon of mud fell over the wrestlers. They barely noticed.
Lardlad whispered to Loser Lad, "there was a secret compartment of mud up there?"
"Yes," his friend answered gleefully, "when I helped design this lounge, I had it put in just in case! Something like this has always been one of my wildest fantasies!"
"Ooookay," Lardlad answered scratching his head and then thought aloud, "God, I can't believe Hummer Lass started a fight over ME!"
"Aw, Lardy," Loser said matter-of-factly, "surely, you know ol' Pru has ALWAYS had a thing for you? Everybody knows THAT!"
Lardlad stood bewildered at the concept. But not so bewildered that he let his eyes wander from the spectacle!
Meanwhile, the fight raged on, and even more articles of clothing were being shed. Just as something X-rated was about to be exposed, another player entered the picture and pulled Pru away from the fray. It was Pru's partner-in-crime, BJ Boy. He took a hold of Pru's wrists, slippery from the mud as they were, even as her fingers tried to claw at the air. Spacey prepared to pounce at her bound opponent but was stopped as Lash Lad wrapped his whip around her. The two practically hissed at each other and struggled to get free to continue.
But BJ began to rise into the air with his captive. "Time for a strategic withdrawal, Pru! Live to fight another day and all that." As they flew out the lounge door, Pru's eyes met Lardlad's for a moment. He could see a particular look in her eyes, almost of longing.
Just as they left, Newcru King, Lucien Lad, Tsarin Kid and Looks That Kill Lad exited the turbolift looking particularly happy for some reason. They gazed on the scene and Tsarin said, "did we miss something?"
The incident was water-cooler talk for the LMB for a long time after that. The punchline was that Cobalt had passed out on the floor just after he walked in the door. he never saw the kiss nor the catfight! Space Tart and Hummer Lass would never cross paths again which is probably for the best. Eventually, Spacey would quit the LMB as her relationship with Cobalt finally ended once and for all. She recently participated in the reunion, but opted not to stay on.
Now, as Lardlad neared the Vagabond, he thought of that look Pru gave him as her friend spirited her away from the fracas. It was a very particular look, and he'd never before nor ever since seen Pru display such ferocity as she did that day. All apparently because she was enraged by the sight of himself and Space Tart in a passionate embrace.
As he stood outside the entrance of his destination, a disturbing thought occurred to Lardlad which he said aloud to fully comprehend it: "Is Hummer Lass in LOVE with me?"
He froze in his steps and lingered outside the doorway for a long time.
End Part Three