by FARAWAY LAD
It had been very quiet of late at the LMB headquarters. Whoredru, Salad Tosser Lord and the Time Mouse Trapper had not been seen in many months. Even the more ordinary villains , if a super powered criminal can be classed as ordinary, had not been very active. True that may have been due to the fact that the LMB had locked most of them away on Takron Galtos II. Still all in all it had been a quiet month. The only excitement recently had been the election of the new leadership team.
One of Newcru�s first acts as leader had been to send a small espionage team out on a secret mission. However, as has already been said, for the rest of the team time was dragging by. Newcru decided that the time was ripe for a little R & R.
Some of the team members with partners and children had joined Bellbookcandle Kid on a trip to his Fathers home world of D�isnae. Lardlad, Sketch Lad and Anchor Boy had been busily preparing for the trip for a week, insisting on showing all the others details of the trip and little holo�s of the rides and attractions they were planing to visit.
�Really� said Bell just before he left, �I wonder who is getting more out of this, the kids or them�
�Ok� thought Newcru, �now that the family quarters are all but empty I think I�ll start my term of office as both a metaphorical and real �new broom that sweeps clean� and give the HQ a major spring clean. As he quickly walked down the corridors he passed the kitchen and saw Beagle Boy in there working up a real sweat.
�Hey Beagle, you not taking some time off with the others?�
�Nah, I�m going to take the time whilst I�ve got it to work on some new recipes. See you at about 18.00 hrs and we can try out the results�
As he continued down the corridor Newcru passed the room of Kid Pyschout.
�Mmmmmm we haven�t seen him for a while, I wonder if he�s ok� thought Newcru. He almost stopped and entered the room but after a moments thought better of it.
�After all its� only the 23 of January, knowing the Kid he probably still celebrating New Years Eve in there, trying to drink his beer storage tesseract dry, best not to interfere. Anyway if he�s not still celebrating then he is sleeping it off and if that�s the case.....�
Newcru failed to suppress a laugh at the memory of what had happened to Loser that day he had inadvertently woken Kid Pyschout from a �hangover preventing� sleep�
Newcru carried on and went into the Em family room. Good, he thought, it�s empty, for what he was about to do could have unfortunate side effects if another living thing was in the room. Taking a deep breath Newcru accessed the Sani fresh force. He gave a small sigh of pleasure as the invigorating and cleansing power flowed through him. He stood still for a long time allowing the power to build and build until, when he judged he had gained enough power he let the whole Sani force burst out in one intense sweep of bright white light. As the light slowly faded, Newcru looked around with satisfaction, yes this room was now absolutely gleaming with everything in its place.
With a grimace he remembered the last time he had done this, he hadn�t checked and Furball was still in the room. Furball had emerged completely bleached white, with his fur so fluffy, bouncy and curly that he looked like a huge poodle. Furnalls misery was made complete when the girls had insisted on him wearing a little pretty pink bow to match. It had taken weeks for Furballs fur to grow back to its proper colour. Ever since then he had always looked a little suspiciously at Newcru.
�Ah well� thought Newcru, �and on we go to the next task�
Meanwhile back in the mission monitor room Faraway Lad had agreed to take over duty to allow some of the LMB time off. At the moment it wasn�t a difficult job, a few bank robberies, a couple of interstellar chases but nothing the local SP�s couldn�t handle.
The door behind Faraway slid open and in strode a very angry looking Greybird clutching in his hands a very sorry for himself Piddlin Pup.
�Do you know what this reprobate canine has done now�
�Emmm no Grey, why don�t you put Pup down and tell me�
Greybird put the small puppy down , non too gently. As he did so the Pup looked up at him �wonder why the two legs birdy man is angry� he thought.
Then �I never ben here before lotsa good smells� and with that he wondered off to investigate a corner of the room.
� I was sleeping in my quarters today� continued Greybird �as you know I have been engaged in very delicate negotiations with the netscape conglomerate of planet b�llgates regarding the provision of an acceptable fiduciary emolument for certain high tech information retrieval nodes. I had found the whole process to be extremely tedious and was taking a well deserved break before continuing in my efforts�
�Yes Grey do go on� said Faraway smiling as he returned to watching the monitors �would you like a cup of Earl Grey Tea?�
�Yes thank you. And do you know what I found upon awakening!!! That misbegotten creation had made a, made a, well, a nest I suppose you would call it, in my wings of all places!!!!!!. What is worse not only had he ripped and shredded some of my feathers to make himself comfortable but..... but......he had actually lived up to his name all over my wing feathers . It was disgusting and I�m sure it will days to get them back into condition.�
�*ack* cough cough� that�s terrible Greybird� said Faraway trying and just about covering up his laugh �what can I do to help?�
Where is Beagle, I must talk to him about this!!.
�According to the beacon in his walking ring he�s in the kitchen�
�Right� said Grey �you look after *that* whilst I talk to its owner�
Grey stalked off down towards the kitchen, and now that Faraway got a good look at his wings he could see that the once majestic white feathers were now dirty, yellow and torn, there was also a distinct odour about Grey that reminded Faraway of Piddlin Pup.
Pup had stopped sniffing now and padded across to Faraway, all legs, nose and tail, in that cute way puppies have. He sat down and looked up at Faraway with large brown eyes, one ear pointing up with the other folded down over an eye.
�Strange two legs birdy boy�, he thought, �getting upset, he shouldn�t have left his soft bedding things on the floor like that if he didn�t want me to use them. I wonder what he�ll say when he see what I done to those coloured bits of papers with drawings of his sister on them?�
Then in an absent minded way he began to scratch at his ear.
: CHAPTER TWO
Pup rolled over onto his back and Faraway leaned down and absent mindedly gave him a gentle tummy rub.
� now you just sit there and be good whilst I get on with my work�
Turning back to the monitor board he noticed the SP priority channel monitor was indicating that there was a lot of traffic. Tuning in Faraway caught the tail end of a conversation between the Planetary Constable of Summer world and SP HQ on Webers world. For the records it looked as if Summer world had just been visited by Whoredru. Strangely, she had not taken anything of real value, settling for an ancient 2D televison receiver from the children�s museum.
Hitting the communication pad, Faraway contacted the SP office on Summer world.
�Constable, we picked up your communication, if Whoredru is involved you can bet there is something major planned. We have a small team led by Cobalt Kid already on Summer world would you like me to ask them to investigate?�
�I don�t think its anything important enough for the LMB to get involved in�, said the Constable, �but if they want to look around my men will offer what assistance they can�
�Problems Far ?� Asked a soft voice from the open doorway.
�I don�t know Princess, on the face of it nothing to worry about. But, if Whoredru�s involved......� He tailed off.
Princess Crujectra stretched and moved slowly into the room. Leaning over the monitor board she said �you know Far, things are sooooo slow around here I almost wish Whoredru was about to attack. Still its probably nothing, Cobalt will take care of it.�
�Yeah�, said Faraway, �hey where�s Piddlin Pup, he was here a moment ago. Oh no Princess you left the door open, he could be anywhere.�
Piddlin Pup had got bored. Once the nice man had stopped rubbing him he had got up and started to wander around the monitor room. As the door had opened to let pretty two legs in Pup had wandered off down the corridor. As he turned the first corner he cocked his leg and left a �marker�. �Me not silly� he thought, �me be able to smell where I�ve been. Me not get lost now�
As Pup wandered deeper and deeper into LMB headquarters, he was blissfully unaware of the increasingly frantic calls of Faraway, and Crujectra behind him.
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Back in the monitor room. Faraway had called up Goon Boy and was explaining to him what had happened. �.......so, I can�t leave the monitor room, Crujectra is already out looking, will you help?�
�Ptangyangkipperbang. Oh great Bluebottle. I shall make sure he has not �fallin in da watter��
�Oh wonderful�, thought Faraway, �the goon force has almost totally taken over today� and he watched as Goon Boy walked out of his room, backwards, singing�I�m walking backwards to Christmas�
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A large number of �markers� later and Pup was getting tired and thirsty. He approached one of the doors and sniffed. �Oh boy� he thought, �Kibble� and he bounded through the doorway into the Em family quarters.
�Oh hello four legs big me� he said �want to play� going down on his stomach with his back legs up and his tail wagging furiously �Roarrr, ra, roo red rat� said a sleepy Furball. Looking down from Dev Em�s bed, Furball shock himself awake. As Furball was shedding a lot of hair that made quite a mess.
�Ret rout rof rear� snapped Furball, �rassan frasssin rippersqueak� and jumped off the bed.
Poor little Pup was terrified and ran away and hid under the bed. Whilst there he pooped into Dev�s deputy leader sash.
�Roah boy rour really rin rouble rnow� said Furball as he scratched great big gouges in the wood flooring in an attempt to get at the Pup. After a few seconds of this the Pup decided to make a break for the door, shooting out between Furballs legs, and giving him a playful nip in the nether regions, Pup made the door and sped off down the corridor.
�Four legs not friendly. Him grouch� said the pup.
: CHAPTER THREE
Skidding around another corner, this time without leaving a marker, Pup found himself at the entrance to the LMB rec room. Slowing to a walk, he padded into the room leaving paw prints across Newcru�s highly polished floor. Pup moved across the room to sniff at the table which had been laid with gleaming crockery and glasses ready to sample the delights of Beagles cooking.
�Sniff sniff. That am Sani fresh , two legs New, must be near. Maybe he feed me�
As Pup started to look around for Newcru his attention was caught by the tassels on the exquisite Persian rug that Newcru had put on the floor. Newy had taken a great deal of care cleaning this quite delicate rug. He thought it added something to the room, and as only a few of the Legion would be eating tonight he felt it would not suffer too much. Of course Piddlin Pup knew nothing of this. He started to tug at the rugs tassels growling in mock ferociousness as in his mind he battled the evil Furball. Riiipppppppp. The rug suddenly gave way, Pup flew over backwards into the table leg. Crasssshhhh the whole table came tumbling down, plates and glasses smashing.
�What�s happening, are we under attack?� Shouted Newcru as he ran out from the rec room toilets. He�d been in there a long time trying to unblock and clean the loo after another one of Lardlads turdathons, at least this hadn�t turned into a black hole, dimensional gateway this time.
�On no!!!. Piddlin Pup!!! what have you done�
Pup looked at him from under the table cloth
�Uh oh!! me am in trouble� he thought, and with a surprising turn of speed he ran out of the rec room. Trailing bits of table cloth, rug and crockery after him.
Running back up the corridor Piddlin Pup ran into an open doorway. Stopping for breath, he sniffed around �me think this two legged losers room. Why look like cave?�
Pup started to look around, then he found and started chewing on the Loser pole.
�Me am thirsty� said the Pup and went into the small room next to the bedroom.
�Why put water bowel so far down� thought the Pup as he tried to get his head down the head. As his small legs scrabbled for purchase, they managed to hit a secret button, silently the wall behind the toilet slid open. It was the outside world. Fascinated Pup followed the loser scent down the hill towards downtown LMBville.
As he reached the city the scent became a little harder to follow, but the little Pup was having a great time of it.
�Me am Sherlock Bones, great detectif� he thought.
Eventually he came to a small seedy looking building with a few garish lights outside, if Pup could read he would have seen the name of the place was �the Hootchie Hut� but he couldn�t and anyway he would not have understood the references to �five different kinds of sentients naked� or �silicon free mud bath wrestling�.
Following Losers scent still, the Pup managed to get through to the �dressing room� areas.
�Oh what a sweet little puppy� said a voice from above him and he was picked up and cuddled into an Impressive pair of bosoms.
Within a few seconds Pup had proved Murphy�s third law of courtship, that a puppy is a sure fire way to attract women, and he spent the next few minutes being stroked, tickled and petted by some of the most pneumatically proportioned women ever seen outside of one of Lardlads Fantasy�s. As he licked and nibbled his new friends, his tail wagging heavily against their firm nubile young bodies, he thought he saw Loser disappearing into a small back room with two Skalarians.
Even the manager of the establishment fell for the pups charms, or maybe just couldn�t say no to the pleadings of the girls and agreed that, as Pup had no collar on, he could stay in the club.
However, in his excitement at meeting his new found friends Piddlin Pup lived up to his name, all over the managers hand crafted and very expensive snake skin shoes.
�I�ll kill the little....� He shouted and unceremoniously threw the poor Pup out into the back alleyway.
Night had fallen now It was cold and dark in the alley, and it had started to rain. The pup had lost the scent of loser and didn�t know where he was or how to get home. He sat still in the alley, next to a set of wastebin�s from the club feeling very small very quiet and very very miserable.
�Me want two leg master now, this not fun anymore�
: CHAPTER FOUR
As the rainfall got heavier and heavier Pup got sadder and sadder, not to mention wetter and wetter. Around the corner came two hooded and cloaked figures, Pup looked up and started to move towards the strangers in the hope that they might help. As he got closer a sixth sense warned him not to make himself known. Then carried on the wind he caught a whiff of some new smells.
�Baa Baa�s� he said and then for some reason thought of two legs Therod. Intrigued he crawled forward on his belly until he could hear what was being said.
�I told you to make sure the LMB had been riven asunder� said a woman�s voice, which filled Piddlin Pip with dread. He had never heard a colder or more evil voice in all his short life.
�But mistress the plan almost worked� said the second figure, a man, a hint of pleading and desperation entering his voice.
�Almost is not good enough� said the woman and raising her hand. A purple glow flicked briefly at the end of her finger tips
�Mistress, No, I beseech you, give me some time I will find a way to break their spirt, cause internal strife I assure you, I just need more time�
�Time!! Ha you have no idea what you are talking about. Very well, as my plans still have some �time� to go till they reach fruition you may try again. But be warned. Fail me again and you life will be forfeit�
By now Pup, who had not understood much of what was said had become thoroughly frightened. Backing away from the couple he didn�t see the box of bottles perched precariously on the bins behind him.
Crash, the whole shooting match came down the sound of breaking bottles echoing around the tall walls of the alleyway.
�You!!, begone before we are recognised� said the woman�s voice. Grateful for the chance to escape the man turned and without a backward glance fled from the alleyway.
�Now� said the woman, raising her hand again and flooding the alleyway with a leprous purple light, �lets see what makes such a noise�
Reaching down the woman brushed aside the cardboard under which Pup was hiding. Picking him up she threw back the hood of her cloak and held the Pup up before her face. Piddlin Pup was terrified to see, before the purple light faded, the perfect figure and the beautiful but unfortunately bearded face of Whoredru. Panic set in, Pup knew this woman was going to hurt him. He did the oinly thing he knew to do. A great stream of piddlin sprayed out from the Pup hitting Whoredru square in the face.
�Auck, you disgusting little monster� she spluttered as the yellow, steaming liquid glistened in her beard. �I�ll show you�
She dropped the Pup, who lay winded and whimpering on the floor. Throwing back the cloak, she revealed her long shapely legs encased in leather thigh high boots. She tapped her heels together and a wicked looking 6 inch long blade sprang out form the toe of the right boot. Drawing her legs back to deliver a killing kick, she failed to notice movement in the shadows behind her.
: CHAPTER FIVE
�Quick� shouted Lurker Lad to Shadow Fox, �you stop her, I�ll get Piddlin Pup�
Rolling across the alleyway, Lurker Lad quickly gathered the Pup in his arms and carried on rolling out of immediate range of those killer legs. Shadow Fox meanwhile had thrown himself at Whoredru and blinded her with his enormous brush. However, he soon found himself thrown off Whoredru towards Lurker Lad
�How dare you touch me, how dare you� she spluttered
�Oh boy,,I hit Whoredru, I actually hit her, oh dear are we deep squaj now� mumbled Shadow Fox. Quick Lurker, activate the lurker beacon and get us out of here�
�I�m trying to� said Lurker lad, struggling with the controls and a wriggling puppy
�Sprok it, its going to be too late, she getting ready to hit us with...................
As Whoredru fired out a purple energy bolt the two lurkers supreme shimmered and vanished. The lurker beacon returning them to LMB headquarters.
�..........one of her energy blasts� finished Shadow fox. �Gosh Lurker you cut that a bit fine didn�t you�
�Sorry Shadow, it was a bit difficult with Pup squirming like than� Said Lurker Lad. Turning quickly he hit the emergency buttons to activate the HQ force shield
�In case SHE decides to come a calling� he said. Then he turned to the comm link and called an emergency meeting of all available LMBP�ers
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�...............And after using our lurker power to follow Reef Dabarrier from that meeting of the society for the propagation of man sheep love we found him meeting Whoredru in that alleyway. The rest you know.� Said Lurker Lad
�I knew Therod wouldn�t have taken payola from any organization, especially one like that� said Loser. �I guess I, we, all owe him an apology when he gets back�
�Yeah, but what about me� said Newcru, �that Pup wrecked all my hard work and made all that mess�
�Heck Newy� said Loser, �we are all sorry about the mess and will give you a hand tidying up. Beagle has put on a really good spread with you favourite as a way of saying sorry. And� he went on �remember if it hadn�t been for the Pup getting out like that we would never have found out about Whoredru�
�That�s true� said Faraway Lad, �we need be very careful out there until we find out about her plans"
He didn�t mention his own worries about how the Pup had got outside LMB HQ. If the pup can get out he thought who can get in????
�Anyway Loser, how are you going to explain to Dev about his sash of office?�
�Do�h� said Loser, �Faraway I don�t suppose.....�
�Ooookkayyy� shouted Beagle from the kitchen, �who wants some food� and with that all the legionnaires stopped thinking about Whoredru and concentrated on doing justice to Beagle�s feast �And for you little fellow� said Beagle Boy glad to get Piddlin Pup back, �here is your favourite, chopped rump steak and marrowbone jelly with thick gravy. Enjoy�
�Mmmmm� thought Piddlin Pup, face deep in food. �Two legs are nice really�
THE END ?