posted March 12, 2001 05:09 AM ��� ���� �� ��

by Bibbo XXV (with an assist from Anthony E. Taylor)

So, anyways...some ol' fart comes inta my bar th' udder nite...real fat guy wit' a long wite beard, looks like he's on �is lass leg. It's a rilly dead nite, so he sticks out like a sore t'umb. He walks in, takes a long look aroun' and slowly makes his way t' th' bar. Fer a second, I t'ink he's gonna need some help gettin' up onna stool, but he manages.

So I asks �im, "what'll it be old timer?"

"A cold beer will be fine, youngster," he says, still scopin' da place out. I give him �is beer an' he fin'ly asks, "young man...is this the Hootchie Hut?"

"Nah," I says, "dat ol' dump wuz clozed an' tore down long afore I wuz ever born. Ev'dently, it was kept goin' by the bizness of some weird-ass cast a' char'cters. My pop tol' me �bout th' place. Said it made respect'ble bars like dis one look bad! Yer in th' Ace o' Clubs, establ'shed over two t'ousand years ago and bin in th' Bibbowski fam'ly fer all but the first few. We're a staple, a landmark even, in good ol' Metrop'lis!"

Wit' kinda a blank look on �is face, th' ol' guy says, "Ah yes...the Hootchie Hut hasn't changed a bit! We sure had some fun here..."

Fer a second I'm t'inkin', "huh?" Then I realize th' ol' coot's gotta be senile, so I change th' subject. "How old a guy are ya?" I ask.

"I just turned 218 the other day."

"Two-hunnerd an' eighteen, huh? Shoot! Yer beatin' the odds there, old guy...not many lives ta be over two-hunnerd! �Specially not ones as overwait as you!"

"Yes, but I've been overweight most of
my life. They even used to call me �Lardlad' for awhile."

"Well, dat ain't very nice!"

"Oh, it wasn't shameful at all. I wore it as a badge of honor...when I used that name, I was a star!"

"Whatchu mean, old timer? An' wot brings ya here? I never seen ya here afore."

"Well, I was feeling nostalgic. You see on this date, in the year 3001, the LMBP was born! And we used to hang out here at the Hootchie Hut quite a bit."

He says dat like it's sposed ta mean somethin' ta me. So I asks, "what's th' LMBP?"

"Y-you've never heard of the LMBP?" The old guy looks really distrot at dat point.

"Well, mebbe I have, I dunno...why dontcha jog my mem'ry!"

His face lit right back up then an' he got a faraway look on �is face. "Ah, yes...it's been so long now. But those were the best years of my life! Tell me sir...do you enjoy adult films?"

"Pornos? Sure! But wot in the sam does dat haf ta do wit' anyt'ing?"

"What indeed, young man! We of the LMBP resurrected the adult films industry from a long, dark slumber!"

"Get outta here! Yer fulla sh1t, old guy!"

"I know you're too young to know about this, but adult films had been banned for several centuries before the LMBP came along."

I don't know why, but I let him go on. "Awright...tell me more."

"The LMBP was originally an adult films production company. A visionary named Engine Joe Pimp saw an untapped market that the people wanted but were afraid to ask for. Researching carefully, he discovered that a lot of the laws that were passed centuries ago banning adult films had quietly become erased by some major changes in the governments. When a major restructuring happened about 160 years before, an entirely new Constitution was put in the old one's place. The new one didn't have a law against adult films in it, probably because no one even remembered them. I guess adult films had been gone so long that no one even imagined the concept! But Engine Joe Pimp had been alive for more than a millenium, and he remembered them well. So after he did his research, Joe founded the LMBP!"

"What's LMBP stand fer?"

He laffed. "Still one of the classic names--Lick My B*lls Productions!"

"Heh-heh...yeah dat's a perty good one! Can't say I seen any of dere stuff, tho..."

"Yeah, they weren't in business for long...but I'll get to that. Anyhow, Engine Joe Pimp, or EJP as we called him, started immediately recruiting young college students for his films. He put the word out in Metropolis U., and the response was unbelievable! There were lines to the auditions going all the way around a solid city block! Getting paid to have sex obviously was like a dream job to them. EJP had a very keen eye for this particular kind of talent, and only a lucky few made the cut. And boy, did he have vision! He decided to reopen the market in a big way."

"How so?"

"Well, he decided to not only make films with two-party heterosexual sex, but he also made all kinds of others: gay and lesbian films, hardcore and softcore, S & M, three-ways, gang bangs...you name it, he made it and all at once. He also put a new spin on these films that no one had ever used."

"Rilly? Wot wuz dat?"

"He gave us all goofy names similar to how superheroes from the twentieth and twenty-first centuries were named. These names kind of encapsulated what each stars appeal was to its audience. And we also had signature costumes that we wore...at least until they came off!"

"So wot kinda names wuz evr'body gived?"

"Oh, there were some great corny names like Hummer Lass, Loser Lad, Space Tart, Ejaculad...just the names conjured up the imaginations of our fans!"

"An' you were �Lardlad'?"

"Yes I was!"

"Heh! Why would anybody wanna see a fat guy doin' it?"

"You'd be surprised--people love to root for a fat guy to score! I was actually one of the three biggest draws during the company's short existence. The other two were Lash Lad and Shadowplay in Candlelight Lass, sometimes called Shady Lady . Lash Lad always carried a whip and was the headliner in most of the gay and S & M flicks. Shady had her own tantric series of movies. She was practically a sex goddess whose movies really stressed relationships and love."

"Sounz like dey wuz a sucksess. So why wuz th' comp'ny over wit' so quick?"

"To say we were a huge success is an understatement! Overnight, EJP took in billions of credits. But the kind of folks who sunk adult films in the first place were still around. LMBP was opposed by a group called the Moral Right that was lead by a powerful man of influence known as the Anti-Moderator. This guy wanted to delete anything he judged to be immoral, and LMBP was his prime target."

"Wot'd he do?"

"He and his Moral Right first tried to pressure the government into making adult films illegal again. This didn't work because the government was enjoying the hell out of our work! So they tried something more...extreme."

"Wot wuz dat?"

"They planted a bomb in our studios."

"A bom? Damn!"

"Yeah, that was the idea...to damn us all to oblivion. Only thing was, the bomb was a really experimental cosmic-ray type bomb, and it reacted with the porno magic in the studios in an unpredictable way."

Wot? Ya mean it di'nt blow up da joint?"

"Oh, it did indeed. And it killed a lot of us. But a number of us were not killed. Instead, we were given fantastic powers! I was given control of an energy field called the Lardforce! Shady suddenly had the power to boost morale! Lash had the ability to manifest lashwires out of his arms! Basically, everybody who lived got powers that reflected whatever their appeal was as porn stars!"

"So wot about dem bums dat blew ya all up?"

"Lash, Shady and I went off and brought them to justice. But the cost was high. Most of our stars were dead. Even Engine Joe Pimp was killed, though his body was never found. We think that's because the bomb was located so near his office. Without him, our studios and most of our stars, LMBP, the adult film company, was dead in the water. But the adult film business baton was picked up by countless other new companies that kept the dream alive!"

"So dat wuz th' end of th' story?"

"No, far from it! Most of the survivors decided to recreate LMBP as a superhero team to battle intolerance in forms like the Moral Right. We rechristened the initials with something more heroic...Legion of...something or other. And for almost 20 years, we were some of the greatest the galaxy had ever seen. But now....no one....remembers us..."

"If yer tellin' the trut', howzabout showin' me yer lard powers!"

"Unfortunately...young man, I...lost those... a long, long time ago...but that's...another.......story..."

"You awright?"

"Just...need...to...rest..."

Nex t'ing I know, th' old guy's collapst on th' floor. I call a amb'lance and dey take �im away. Dey calls back an' says he bot it soon a'ter he gets at th' hosp'tal. Dey tells me �is lass words is, "Wait! That ain't how it happened!"

So I gess th' ol' coot wuzn't all rite in da head, eh? Perdy crazee story, dere, dontcha t'ink?

"Yeah, I guess so..."

Hey! Don' look so sad! He wuz jus' sum ol' guy on �is lass leg!"

"Sure...sure. How much do I owe you, Bibbo?"

T'ree-fifty, guy.

"Here's ten. Keep the change."

Hey! T'anks, buddy! Dat's nice a you! Say, Wash yer name, pal?

"Name's Joe. See you around. I have a...funeral...to attend."

Bye guy! Hmm...'Joe, huh? Ya don't s'pose...? Nah!

THE END