It’s raining on Argus 7 … “SharkLad, report” … “The colony has been destroyed, Loser Lad” … “Any signs of life?” … “None, Lash … only some kakaribirds” … “kakaribirds?” … “They’re like vultures, Loser Lad … there are dead bodies everywhere” … “Any idea what might have happened?” … “Not yet … scanners show a large radiation surge 50 meters from here … I’m going in to investigate” … “Copy, SharkLad … maintain communications” … “the radiation surge is coming from, well, what’s left of the communications center … roof is caved in … walls are blown out … it looks like something crash-landed here” … “proceed with caution, SharkLad” … “Copy, Loser Lad, I, wait … scanners are showing life signs” … “More kakaribirds?” … “Negative, Lash … human life signs … multiple signals … aw jeez” … “SharkLad, what’s happening?” … “The colonists … they’re coming back to life” …

“SharkLad, report!” … “We’ve lost his signal, Loser Lad … we have to go in” … “Send for backup, Lash … I, wait … we’re not alone … another cruiser has entered orbit … raise shields” … “Opening communications … this is the LMB … identify … no response” … “They’re leaving orbit …damn, I don’t like this … send a message to LMB headquarters … we’re going to the surface” … “Incoming message” … “Loser Lad … this is BBC … return to Earth immediately … we have a crisis” … “We have a situation here too, BBC … SharkLad is missing on the surface of Argus 7” … “Copy … return home as …” … “BBC? What happened?” … “I don’t know, Loser Lad, but let’s get SharkLad and get out of here” … “Agreed” …

“SharkLad? Or, should I call you Bruce?” … “Where am I?” … “You’re aboard my ship” … “Why can’t I see?” … “Side effect of the teleportation process … your eyesight should return in a few hours … now what shall it be, SharkLad or Bruce?” … “Why don’t you tell me who you are first?” … “Now, that wouldn’t be fun … tell me, do you enjoy being part of the LMB?” … “It has its moments” … “It’s not what your mother would have wanted for you” … “What the hell would you know about that?” … “Dr. Helena Aurelius and I were very close … I’ve watched your career with great interest” … “To hell with this …” … “Now, SharkLad … don’t bother to struggle … those restraints were designed to hold your ‘unique’ frame … I must say, I don’t think Helena intended for you to turn out quite so ‘animalistic’ … you’re downright frightening to look at” … “Is this why you’ve brought me here? To bait me? I guarantee that you’ll know the full meaning of ‘frightening’ when I free myself” … “My, my, SharkLad … once again, I don’t think your mother would approve … after all, we are family” …

Argus 7 … “Which is the communications center, Lash?” … “According to the colony schematics, it’s that building up ahead” … “That’s not how SharkLad described it … the building is intact … the whole colony appears normal, for that manner” … “According to scanners, Loser Lad, the colonists are all gathered inside” … “But, no sign of SharkLad … any trace of that radiation surge SharkLad detected?” … “Negative … your call, chief … do we go in?” … “No choice … well, scanners are right … they’re all here” … “They’re ignoring us” … “Hello … I’m Loser Lad, leader of the LMB ... is the colony administrator here?” … “A lot of blank stares, Loser Lad” … “This just keeps getting stranger, Lash … can I please have your attention … we received a distress signal en route back to Earth … one of our members, SharkLad, came to the surface to investigate … have you seen him?” … “Loser Lad, I’m detecting a radiation surge” … “Where?” “Here … in the communications center” … “What the hell is happening? The walls are disappearing … this was all an illusion, Lash!” … “The colonists!” … “Lash, get out before …” …

LMB headquarters … “Lunar base is reporting that the last of the ships has left orbit, Newcru” … “Is the military in pursuit, BBC?” … “Affirmative … unbelievable … peace negotiations break down in the fourth quadrant, so the Natarqui attack Earth” … “How much damage did the invasion fleet do?” … “Reports are coming in from around the globe … the LMB helped keep things to a minimum” … “Any word from Loser Lad’s team?” … “Not since the Natarqui cut our transmission, Newcru … they haven’t responded to any hails since” … “Alright, let’s get a team out there … Fan Boy and Beagz seem to have things under control in South America … call ‘em in, BBC” … “Incoming message” … “Newcru, this is Lard Lad … there are massive casualties in Thailand … we need assistance” … “Affirmative … we’re sending Fan Boy and Beagle Boy” … “Copy … Lard Lad, over and out” … “I guess the rescue mission is off?” … “No choice, BBC … I’m sure Loser Lad has things under control” … “I hope so … LMB headquarters to Fan Boy and Beagle Boy … I have new orders for you” …

SharkLad’s captor’s ship … “Family, huh? So, who are you claiming to be? Another one of my psychotic siblings?” … Sibling? No …I’m your father” … “Oh please … I don’t have a father … what the hell are you trying to do?” … “I didn’t bring you here to debate our relationship, SharkLad … I simply want to help you fulfill your destiny” … “My destiny is with the LMB, not with some clown who claims to be my father” … “Why do you find it so implausible that you have a father? Or did Helena forget to teach you from where babies come?” … “I’ve had enough of this …” … “I told you not to struggle … it will only cause you pain” … “It’s impossible … none of us had human fathers … Helena combined her DNA with that of male animals” … “It didn’t work … she needed my, well, input … you’re more human than you think” … “I don’t believe any of this … I’ll ask you again … what do you want with me?” … “Are you willing to listen?” … “Do I really have a choice?” … “No … now, what shall I call you? SharkLad or Bruce? I prefer Bruce” … “What’s your name?” … “All in good time, Bruce” …“My vision is starting to return” … “Good … then take look at what I have planned for you” …

Deep-space salvage vehicle, T.K.S. Wantagh … “Captain, long range scanners are detecting a ship” … “Where, Sollog?” … “Outer rim of the Argus system” … “Energy signature?” … “Negative … engines are off-line … life signs are … fluctuating” … “Fluctuating? … Is there a distress call?” … “Negative” … “Hail them” … “Yes, Captain … this is the T.K.S. Wantagh … do you require assistance? No response” … “Bring us in, Sollog” … “Captain, the ship is in visual range … it’s drifting … life signs are still fluctuating” … “What kind of ship is that, Sollog? … It looks like a centurion design” … “It has an insignia, Captain …the LMB” … “All the way out here? Hail them again” … “Yes, Captain … LMB, this is the T.K.S. Wantagh … do you require assistance? No response” … “Activate tractor beam … bring the ship into docking bay 6” … “Yes, Captain” … “Have O’Hara and Wasoni report to the docking bay … I’m going down there, too” … “Yes, Captain” … “Wasoni, O’Hara … Do you recognize the insignia on this ship?” … “Sure, Cap’n … it’s an LMB cruiser” … “Right, Wasoni, which means …” … “Captain, the cruiser bay door is opening!” … “Stand back … someone’s coming out” … “Thank god you found me … he went crazy … they all went crazy!” … “Cap’n, it’s Loser Lad!” … “Loser Lad, who went crazy? What happened?” … “Captain, this is Sollog … there’s a radiation surge in docking bay 6” … “This isn’t safe! You have to destroy my ship!” … “Captain … the LMB cruiser is powering up its weapon systems” … “What? It’s not possible … I killed him” … “Captain?” … “Reverse the tractor beam, Sollog! Get that ship the hell out of here, then charge our weapons … where did Loser Lad go?” … “He ran back on his ship” … “Fine … I don’t know what we stumbled across, but I want no part of it” … “Captain, the LMB cruiser has cleared docking bay 6 … its weapon systems have powered down” … “Sollog, send a message to LMB headquarters on Earth … tell them where to find their colleagues” … “Affirmative … Captain, there’s still a radiation surge in the docking bay” … “What? Where did … O’Hara! What are you …” … “Captain? Captain, is everything all right?” … “The Cap’n is dead, Sollog … now, it’s your turn” …

LMB headquarters ... “Still no word from Loser Lad, Newcru?” … “Nothing, Beagz” … “Things have settled down enough here … it’s time we go after them” … “Right … Beagz, I want you, Fan Boy and Lard Lad on this … start with the colony of Argus 7” … “Newcru, there’s an incoming message from GovCentral” … “Put it through” … “LMBers, this is Admiral Venecia … earlier today the outpost on Refferti’s moon received a distress call from the captain of the T.K.S. Wantagh, a deep-space salvage unit operating in the Argus system … though the message was incomplete it made reference to the LMB” … “Can we hear the message, Admiral?” … “I’ll transmit it now, Newcru … ‘this is Captain … S. Wantagh … 24 hours … we … contact … LMB … transmit some form of … destruct’ … that’s the entire message” … “We have a team missing in the Argus system, Admiral … they were investigating a distress call from the colony on Argus 7 … we haven’t heard from them since the Natarqui raid” … “Things are starting to piece together … the Refferti outpost also said that the colony on Argus 7 failed to make it’s weekly communication” … “We have a team assembled to investigate, Admiral” … “Good … maintain contact with the Refferti outpost … over and out” … “What the hell happened out there?” … “I don’t know, Beagz … but at this rate I think BBC and I should go too” …

The abandoned laboratory of Dr. Helena Aurelius … “Why are we here?” … “Where else would I bring you, Bruce? … Can you think of a more appropriate place for your rebirth?” … “You’re crazy” … “Am I? I don’t think you’ve ever fully appreciated why you were created … you see, Helena believed that the future of life in the galaxy depended on the breeding of humans with animals to create a master race capable of surviving almost any environment … or contagion, for that matter … she didn’t live long enough to see this theory tested … fortunately, I’m here to carry on with her work” … “And it starts with me?” … “Actually, Bruce, it’s already begun … fortune smiled upon me when you arrived at the colony on Argus 7 … I was simply testing the potency of the ‘madden-ites’ … you can’t imagine my thrill when I intercepted your transmissions and discovered you were going to the surface … it allowed me to test whether you were susceptible or not to their effects” … “What effects? What the hell are ‘madden-ites?’” … “Microscopic parasites … on first contact, they kill the host” … “The colonists” … “Yes … fortunately death is only ‘temporary’ … the parasites bring the host back to life … only, slightly mad … the cycle repeats – death, rebirth, madness - until the host is completely insane” … “And you want to release them throughout the galaxy?” … “Your teammates have already done that for me … it took some ‘trickery’ but their concern for you was enough of a distraction to expose them to the ‘madden-ites’ … now we simply sit back and watch as the galaxy becomes an even crazier place … once exposed, there is no cure … amazing little buggers” … “You’re proud of your creation, huh?” … “Oh, I didn’t create the ‘madden-ites’ … they were born here, just like you” … “Dr. Aurelius created them?” … “Inadvertently … of course, they wouldn’t have thrived without a host … Bruce, you remember your sister” … “Hello, SharkLad” … “Beaver!” … “Well, isn’t this nice? A family reunion” …

Aboard the LMB cruiser manned by Newcru’s team … “Any sign of Loser Lad’s cruiser, Fan Boy?” … “Nothing yet, Newcru” … “Fifteen clicks to Argus 7” … “Take us in, Beagz” … “Newcru, I’m detecting a energy signature off the starboard … ship decloaking!” … “It’s one of ours” … “Open communications … ” … “They’re firing!” … “Evasive maneuvers” … “We’re hit … hull breach on level two” … “Raise shields … open communications … Loser Lad, Lash … respond … what the hell are you doing?” … “Oh hey guys … what’s up?” … “Lou, drop your shields and prepare to be boarded” … “’fraid I can’t do that, Newcru … Lash and I have different plans … Loser Lad, over and out” … “They’re increasing velocity” … “Lard, can you teleport over there?” … “If we could slow ‘em down” … “Damn … alright, BBC … prepare to fire … target their engines … fire” … “Direct hit!” … “Incoming message” … “What’s up with that, guys? … You want a fight? We’ll give you a fight” … “They’re charging their weapon systems” … “BBC, target their weapons … fire” … “Direct hit!” … “Great job guys … Lard and I are going over” … “Teleporting … now” … “Where are we, Lard?” … “I aimed for the bridge … but, this doesn’t look like the bridge … I’m surprised this bird is flying” … “We did some redecorating” … “Lash! Drop your weapon! ... What happened to you two?” … “We were freed” … “Freed from what?” … “Our mundane existences … now if you’ll excuse me, I have to die” … “What the? … Newcru, he’s dead!” … “It’ll pass” … “Loser Lad! What’s happening?” … “Don’t worry, Newcru … you’ll discover it for yourself soon enough” … “Newcru, can you hear me? It’s Fan Boy … there’s a huge radiation surge at your exact coordinates … get out of there!” … “Lou, we’re taking you and Lash back with us” … “Okay … the ship is about to explode anyway” … “Lard, get us out of here! … teleport Loser Lad and Lash directly to the brig” … “teleporting … now” … “What happened over there?” … “Later … Beagz, get us out of here … the other ship is about to blow” … “Too close for comfort … where are they, Newcru?” … “In the brig … Lash is, well, in need of medical attention … BBC, let’s go check them out” … “Newcru, where are we headed?” … “To the nearest med-station” … “Are they that bad?” … “Yes … and I’m not feeling so great myself” …

“Back from the dead, Beaver?” … “Thanks to the ‘madden-ites’ … unlike you, they care about me” … “How do you figure that?” … “The LMB would have accepted me if not for you … Lard Lad killed me and you did nothing to try to stop him … what did I ever do to you, SharkLad? … What did I ever do to you?” … “Are you crazy? Jeez, look who I’m asking … do you have any remorse over killing our mother? For attacking and disfiguring me?” … “I don’t know what you’re talking about” … “Children, children … that is all in the past … we have a bright future to look forward to … once the ‘madden-ites’ spread throughout the galaxy, we will have free reign” … “Why aren’t you affected by them?” … “Like you, my child, I am immune … but, between you and me, I am ever so mad anyway … now, Beaver if you would be so kind … prepare the genetic re-engineerer … it is time to give your brother back his original form” … “What the hell are you talking about?” … “You were never intended to look this way, Bruce … the extra dosage of shark DNA you administered to yourself after Beaver attacked you must be eliminated from your system … it is not appropriate for you to look so … savage” … “Don’t … touch … me” … “There, you see? Far too gruff … when I am done with you, we may even be able to see a family resemblance” … “Yo dad! Which switch do I flip?” … “Beaver darling, allow me … and so it begins” … “He looks like he’s in pain … can you turn up the volume?” … “Now, now my child” … “Hey, he’s shrinking out of the restraints” … “Fear not, the restraints will shrink as well” … “But they’re not … he’s getting loose!” … “No!” … “So, ‘Dad’ … I told you I’d show you the meaning of frightening” … “Bruce, be reasonable … there is still much I need to tell you … Beaver, get over here!” … “You’re on your own, Pops … I’m outta here” … “Is there a cure for the ‘madden-ites?’ … Tell me before I bite your head off … I doubt even the ‘madden-ites’ could revive you then” … “There is no cure … but …” … “But, what?” … “Your immunity could be used to develop one” … “And you’ll help me to do that” … “Never!” … “Fine … say hi to Mom for me” … “Wait! I’ll make you a deal … I’ll develop a cure if you let me free afterwards” … “No deal … you’ll develop a cure and then I’ll decide whether or not you get to live” …

The med-station on Refferti’s moon … “So, it’s official … from now on the LMB will stand for Large Monkey Butts … Lard Lad will be known as Hummer Lad … and Fan Boy will be known as the Archduke Ferdinand” … “Wait! The vote isn’t unanimous” … “Why not, Hummer Lad?” … “BBC died before he could vote” … “That’s just great … alright, who’s up for a game of water polo?” … “Ugh! I so do not want to see Hummer Lad in a speedo” … “Hey guys, why don’t you leave the water sports to me?” … “SharkLad! Why do you look less shark-like?” … “Long story … do me a favor … look over this way … thanks” … “What was that?” … “Just a little ‘anti-madden-ite’ emission” … “Anti-what?” … “I’ll explain on our way to Argus 7” …

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The abandoned laboratory of Dr. Helena Aurelius … “Well, it worked … the colonists on Argus 7 … the crew of the T.K.S. Wantagh and the med-station on Refferti’s moon … and the LMBers, of course … all cured … funny, I never thought I’d have a father … never thought I’d want one … now that the idea has been planted, it kinda makes me wish for more normalcy in my life … I never expected to see Beaver again … but she’s out there now and I gotta deal with that … as for you, ‘Dad’ … maybe it was wrong to inject you with all of that rat DNA, especially before I found out the truth about our relationship … but, the last thing I need is another psychotic relative running around … so, you can stay in your cage … and I can try to find a way to deal with this … loneliness” …

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