6/10/03 OMG, it's been 2 months since I updated. Sorry. Again. I still haven't lost anymore. I'm down 157. Terrelle is 5 months postop and he's now lost 150. LOL. I'm so very proud of him. He's so cute to watch, and watch him walk around pulling his pants up. LOL. He's so sweet. My son is back home now and he wrote my son a card and a letter. I don't know what it said, my son asked me had I read it, but he said it was a very nice letter. I'm still not eating right. Paula says I'm not eathing enough to lose weight. I think 5 days out of 7 I just eat my orange stuff, string cheese and Wheat Thins, and Fruit and Fiber cereal. I crave that. But I know I need to be eating meat. I want some meatloaf, but I know if I make it, it still won't go down. I miss the foods I used to be able to eat, and could still eat, if I could just get past this dislike of the way it feels in my mouth. I'm helping with a training class at work tomorrow, meaning I'll get off at 4:00 so I'm gonna try to cook a meal with meat for supper. I just gag thinking about it.

7/4/03 Oh, wow! I've really been negligent. LOL. Well, what's new? LOL. I still haven't lost anymore. I guess that's why I haven't wanted to come and update. Same ol', same ol'. I've been working on my scrapbooking. I cooked meatloaf the other night and actually ate a good sized portion. Usually I can't eat but a bite or two, then I can't stand it. I don't know what it is about ground beef, but since my surgery I just can't seem to like it. I like steak, which I didn't before. I love ribs. Today's the 4th, and we're having a cook out. I get RIBS!!!! LOL. Oh, and I think I have finally figured out that ungodly itch I've had all this time. Well, not all the time, but MOST of the time since my surgery, which was 17 months ago. I've still had this terrible itch all over between under my arms to the tops of my thighs. I've had hundreds of scabs, due to clawing myself till I bleed. I heard an intro to the news about a week ago that said something about a fungus and dandruff shampoo. I was busy at work and didn't get to hear the report, but it gave me the idea to wash with the dandruff shampoo. So, I bought some and washed with it, and I swear to you, I kid you not, I stopped itching so bad. LOL. So, I'm guessing I must have somehow contracted a fungus while in the hospital, or just after coming home, because I remember it from those first days home. We thought it was the vitamins. It is such a relief to be rid of it. Okay, got lots to do for the cookout. I go back to the doc on the 23rd. Hopefully I'll get in here and update again then.

7/30/03 I'm feeling good. I foolishly went off my antidepressants again. I keep thinking I can do without them. I get angry because other people got off theirs after surgery and I'm still on them. Why do I still need them and others don't? I usually feel the difference soon after going off them, but this time it took about 3 weeks for it to hit me, and hit me it did. It hit me hard. Things weren't going well at home, it just wasn't like I'd hoped it would be when my son came back home. I asked Barbara about having the skin removed and she said since I don't have a hernia that Dr. Hutcher would not do it. I'd have to go to a plastic surgeon and it may be hard to get approval. I cried through the visit. She said she thinks I need to put that off until I get my emotions back in order and less stress at home. NOT what I wanted to hear. She gave me the name of a plastic surgeon. I guess now I go down that long lonely road of trying to get that done. I'm feeling better today than I have in a long time. Not sure why, but I don't guess that matters.

10/17/03 Once again I've waited so long between updates. Nothing much has changed. I haven't lost anymore since New Years'. I haven't been to my doctor to document the rashes. I'm having a hard time going knowing that he will see this stomach. Yeah, I know, he's a doctor, he sees this all the time. But I DON'T GO THROUGH THIS ALL THE TIME. LOL. Maybe I can talk to my gynecologist next month when I go to her. Maybe she can document it for me.

2/22/04 I guess it's about time I update again. I went for my 2 year check up yesterday. Barbara wasn't at all pleased with me. I'm up 14 pounds, since my lowest. And I have not exercised. That was the first thing she asked me about. So, I picked up an application for a scholarship at the YMCA. I'm not looking forward to going, but, as she said, I didn't go through all this to gain it back. I've been sick. I got shingles. Had them over my right eye. My eye swelled up almost closed, but that's gone now. I didn't have the severe pain most people associate with shingles. The worst pain I had was the 10 day headache I had before the rash broke out. I'm still having headaches but it's sinus. I still have a bit of a scab over my eyebrow. It's still tender there, and I thought the knots in my neck had gone away, but I feel them today. Don't know if the sinus problem can be causing that. My head is also still tender when I try to brush my hair. The blisters were mainly on my scalp, where they didn't show. But my skin still burns and itches. I still get this rash under my stomach, but it doesn't look red so Dr. Southall can't see it and document it. So, how do I get it documented? It's a very real, very bad itch. I'm still taking my vitamins. I take so many pills, between my vitamins and my prescriptions. My sleeping is all screwed up again. While I was on pain pills I'd take naps, then that kept me awake at night. Okay, till next time.

5/18/05 Yes, I guess I've all but abandoned this page. I just haven't been able to admit what's been going on, I guess. In the past year I've gained back almost 100 pounds and I'm just so disgusted with myself that I've let this happen. I'm just sick about it. I can't stand myself. I have not been back to my doctor's office (the surgeon, that is) since that last post. I just can't walk in there knowing the looks I'm going to get from the staff when they see what I've allowed to happen. I'm just simply sick about it..

3/28/07 Wow! Talk about desertion! Things are even worse. I've gained a total of about 120 lbs. back. I look like I've gained it all back. I'm wearing the same size I was on my surgery date, only the jeans are oh so tight. I made an appointment to go back to the surgeon. I had to postpone it from the 9th, and I go on the 4th of April. If I don't chicken out. I'm just so bummed out on myself. The past year has been quite crazy. I have so much fluid in my ankles and legs one doc thought I had congestive heart failure. From there I had almost an appointment every week from October through December. I'm trying to catch up and go back for follow ups to 2 docs, plus trying to go back to the surgeon. I had an EKG, an echo and dopplar ultrasound, lots of X-rays, 2 MRI's, blood work, and ....uh, I hope that's all. Oh, no, an EMG also. I have lost 50%use of my right hand. The muscle is atrophying and the ulner nerve is pinched at the elbow. The ortho doc claims it's getting better, but it's not. Oh, and that's still not all. In 9/05 I had an abnormal Pap and had to have a hysterectomy. He said it was the last stage before Cervical Cancer. Then last summer the Post Traumatic Stress was back. Oh, I see I didn't write about that. In 9/03 we had Hurricane Isabel. That started the weight re-gain. Then the next summer I got PTSD and missed 3 months of work. In 05 it wasn't too bad, then last summer it reared it's ugly head again. I tried going back to counseling but I just couldn't afford it. Now with all the enormous amount of stress I'm dealing with, it's back again. I'm sure I'll have to go back into counseling again. My daily stress level is astronomical. I just lost teaching a training class at work which I dearly loved. My husband and I are heartbroken over recent family developements. I guess other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play? huh?" My eating is completely out of control. I'm back to eating for comfort. Okay, this is turning into a pity party so I'm outta here. Hopefully I can be in better spirits the next time I update, whatever decade that may be.