From time to time it seems that someone has reached the conclusion that I don't like them, that I find them intolerable, that I go so far as to hate them. If it weren't for the fact that this isn't true and that it makes living my life rather difficult, it wouldn't bother me much. But the reality is that I don't hate anyone, that I find approximately 4 people on earth genuinely intolerable (and this after a great deal of good cause) and that I know less than two dozen people so thoroughly and with such negative experiences that I don't like them. From time to time I may find a person annoying, frustrating, hurtful, disrespectful, or belligerent, but these times generally pass quickly and the memories I bear of them typically involve shame at my own emotional overreaction, more than whatever pain the actual actions/words originally caused. Chances are you haven't tried nearly hard enough to get me to dislike you, let alone hate you, so relax.
But, you might say, 'Sarah, you don't talk to me, you don't look me in the eye, you avoid gatherings where I am anticipated to be in attendance, and you have never given me cause to think you like me! Indeed, I do not like you!' My only response is that chances are, I've been annoying, frustrating, hurtful, disrespectful and/or belligerent without cause, which has damaged our working relationship. I am rarely surprised when people respond in kind to such behavior from me, seeing as how I generally deserve it (even if not necessarily from that individual). This sort of behavior been toned down through the years (someday when I'm feeling brave, I'll have to get some family and friends to testify to how bad things were ten years ago), but I have a long way to go in terms of becoming a better person. Real growth happens when you stop calling things "learning experiences" and start actually learning from them; I'm only a little way down that particular road and sometimes backtrack for a while, especially when I feel threatened or stressed out.
In general, I have the following words of advice/commentary: I don't hate you, because I don't hate anyone. If you're one of the four people on the list of people I really can't tolerate, chances are you know it already (and anyone, no one new has been added in more than 3 years; I haven't dealt with anyone from the list in more than 2 years). If in doubt, you're not on the list. The people I really don't like, for the most part, actively avoid me at all costs anyway. Again, if you're in doubt, and wondering if I really don't like you, the answer is "no, I don't really not like you." At worst, I'm neutral with a hint of apprehension. Yes, that includes people who've said nasty things to me in public, and pulled pranks on me that I didn't find funny.
I'm not a naturally sociable person. In the Meyer-Briggs typeology tests, I routinely score 100% Introvert. I tend to be judgmental, infuriating, a bit of a know-it-all, stubborn, annoying, too talkative, and/or completely off base or wrong at least 75% of the time; most of the rest of the time, I'm asleep. At least I don't snore, so those hours don't count against me. Even if you hate me, chances are good I haven't even fully noticed. I tend to be a bit forgiving; the social rituals and customs typically escape my complete understanding, and so I give others a lot of leniency in terms of their behavior. I've been known to try to analyze statements like "Gosh, I really hate Sarah, and I hope she dies soon," in such a way that they really aren't that harsh. Denial is a cozy little corner of the universe that I like to call home.
So take heart. If you don't want me to hate you, your work is already done. If you don't want me to dislike you, chances are you're off on the right foot. If you want to be friends - heck, I'm willing to try at it if you are (and even if you aren't, particularly). Just toss me a neutral-or-better email, and I'll be happy to oblige you. I am trying, and I appreciate those of you who have, undoubtedly against your better judgment, attempted to be friends with me. In case you're curious, the number of people that I "like" is in the mid-hundreds; the number of "friends" is smaller but only because I'm not the most optimistic person on earth, and tend to deny myself the privilege of using that title with someone until they use it first. The number of people on my "like" list who think that I hate them/dislike them/can't tolerate them is disturbingly high, and that's why this essay has been written.
Sarah Marie Parker-Allen
24 December 2002