| HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? Afghan Hound: Light bulb? What light bulb? Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're worrying about a burned-out light bulb? Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp! Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the border collie's ear and he'll do it. Rottweiler: Make me! German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, checked to make sure I haven't missed any, and made one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and the furniture. Pointer: I see it! There it is, right there! Yes, right there! Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? Shih-tzu: Puh-leez, dahling. I have servants for that kind of thing. Labrador: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Malamute: Let the border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch. Mastiff: Mastiffs are not afraid of the dark. Beagle: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I ate was a light bulb? Cat: You need light to see? DOG PROPERTY LAWS 1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. 6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine. 8. If I saw it first, it's mine. 9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10. If it's broken, it's yours. |
| DOG HAIKUS I love my master; Thus I perfume myself with This long-rotten squirrel. I lie belly-up In the sunshine, happier than You ever will be Today I sniffed Many dog butts-I celebrate By kissing your face. I sound the alarm! Paperboy-come to kill us all- Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! I sound the alarm! Mailman Fiend-come to kill us all- Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! I sound the alarm! Meter reader-come to kill all- Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! I sound the alarm! Garbage man-come to kill us all- Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! I sound the alarm! Neighbor's cat-come to kill us all! Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! I lift my leg and Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot- Sniff this and weep How do I love thee? The ways are numberless as My hairs on the rug. My human is home! I am so ecstatic I have Made a puddle I Hate my choke chain- Look, world, they strangle me! Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack! Sleeping here, my chin On your foot -no greater bliss- well, Maybe catching cats Look in my eyes and Deny it. No human could Love you as much I do The cat is not all Bad-she fills the litter box With Tootsie Rolls Dig under fence-why? Because it's there. Because it's There. Because it's there. I am your best friend, Now, always, and especially When you are eating. Owner's mood is Romantic-I lie near his Feet. I fart a big one. CAT HAIKUS You never feed me. Perhaps I'll sleep on your face. That will sure show you. You must scratch me there! Yes, above my tail! Behold, Elevator butt. I need a new toy. Tail of black dog keeps good time. Pounce! good dog! good dog! The rule for today Touch my tail, I shred your hand New rule tomorrow. In deep sleep hear sound Cat vomits hairball somewhere Will find in morning. Grace personified, I leap into the window. I meant to do that. Blur of motion, then -- Silence, me, a paper bag. What is so funny? The mighty hunter Returns with gifts of plump birds -- Your foot just squashed one. You're always typing. Well, let's see you ignore my Sitting on your hands. My small cardboard box. You cannot see me if I Can just hide my head. Terrible battle. I fought for hours. Come and see! What's a 'term paper'? Kitty likes plastic. Confuses for litter box Don't leave tarp around Small brave carnivores Kill pine cones and mosquitoes Fear vacuum cleaner Want to trim my claws? Don't even think about it! My yelps will wake the dead. I want to be close To you. Can I fit my head inside your armpit? Wanna go outside. Oh, no! Help! I got outside! Let me back inside! Oh no! Big One has been trapped by newspaper! Cat to the rescue! Humans are so strange. Mine lies still in bed, then screams! My claws aren't that sharp.... Cats meow out of angst "Thumbs! If only we had thumbs! We could break so much!" Litter box not here You must have moved it again I'll crap in the sink. The Big Ones snore now Every room is dark and cold Time for "Cup Hockey" We're almost equals I purr to show I love you Want to smell my butt? |
| MIND GAMES DOGS PLAY WITH THEIR HUMANS 1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime. 2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.) 3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then when the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about. 4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go "pee," sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth. 5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go "poop." Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag. 6. When out for a walk, pull on the leash and alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by. 7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while. 8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears). 9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door. 10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!) |
| DOGS' ANTICS CAN TEACH ABOUT GOD - FROM CROSSWALK Dogs have long been known for their extraordinary service to humans. One of the many ways these friendly animals can serve people is by illustrating winsome ways of relating to God. Here's some of what dogs can help you discover about God: * God will love you no matter what, and He will always be available to you. * God longs for you to draw closer to Him. He will wait for you with open arms. * God is always willing to forgive you if you confess and repent of sins. * You don't need to be self-conscious in front of God; He knows who you really are and fully accepts you. * When you're dealing with mysteries, God wants you to stick with Him despite not understanding what He's doing. * Yielding control of various aspects of your life to God will bring you much less stress than trying to retain control of them. There is wisdom in following a leader who has your best interests at heart. * God will be with you in the midst of pain. * You don't need to be afraid to face tough situations. You don't have to avoid confusion or doubt; instead, deal with them honestly. * An unattractive outward appearance can mask a beautiful heart. * God speaks to you in ordinary life. When you listen closely for His voice, you'll be able to recognize it. * God wants you to be aware when someone has a special need, then try to help out. * God has given you physical limitations, and you'll function best when you respect them (such as by getting enough sleep). * It's important to be willing to deny your own desires to be able to effectively serve someone else. * God's boundaries are for your good. Obeying Him will improve the quality of your life. * Waiting is fine sometimes. You don't need to get impatient or insulted when you have to wait. * You can ask God for anything without fear. You won't always get what you want, but He will always answer. * God knows you better than you know yourself. * God will train you as you go through life, so you can become more like who He wants you to be. * God is the best Master there is; you can trust Him completely. -- By "Live It" Editor Whitney |
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