Dramatis personae:
LILIA,
19, a feisty novice priestess
MAD
MADAME MIMM, 87, a blindfolded, wizened old witch-woman
INSOMNIAC,
a malevolent spirit who keeps its victims awake at night
GWYNNE,
23, Lilia’s levelheaded friend and fellow novice
The
Innkeeper, 40-something
Demons
in Lilia’s head planted by the Insomniac
SCENE
1
Setting: St. Gonzo of
At rise: 11:00 PM. Lilia
is sleeping—or rather, tossing and turning and shifting her weight
uncomfortably every 15 seconds—in a hammock strung between two trees in the
temple courtyard.
Lilia. AAAAAAAaaaaaargh! [hauls herself
out of the hammock] I give up! [tears it off the
trees] Who sleeps [throws it on the
ground] in this stupid thing? [stamps her foot on it
and jumps up and down on it, ranting about how she hates hammocks, hammocks are
the scum of the earth, etc.]
[Sleepy-eyed
Gwynne, roused by Lilia’s ranting, pokes her head out from an upper-story window.]
Gwynne. You know, girl friend, I know a great place for you to sleep: in your bed, in your room! So come
inside, be quiet, and let the rest of us sleep for once!
Lilia. [pout] But I hate sleeping
in my room! It’s just so boxed in, so…suffocating!
Gwynne.
[skeptical] How do you mean?
Lilia. It’s tiny. I
keep waking up in the middle of the night coughing and heaving like a fish out
of water.
Gwynne. It’s got a roof over your head and a window; ever thought of that?
Lilia. [paces back and forth, ignoring Gwynne] And whose idea was the whole “no stuff on
bedroom walls” thing? Half my luggage when I moved here were my posters and
wall scrolls!
Gwynne. Gods,
Lilia, would you SHUT U—
Lilia. THAT’S IT! I
DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE! All I ask is ONE GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP, and I
CLEARLY won’t be getting it HERE!
[Before
Gwynne can say anything, Lilia storms back inside, then
back out and offstage with staff in one hand and overnight bag in the other.]
Gwynne. [sigh] Yep,
that’s our Lilia. [closes window]
SCENE
2
Setting: The Stinky Sweatsock Inn
At rise: 11:15 PM. Lilia
stands at the door of the
Lilia. [grossed out] Yeesh…this place better not live up to its name. At least it’s
quiet…I think.
[Gingerly
she grasps the doorknob and enters. Light falls upon the interior of the
Innkeeper. What’ll it be?
Lilia. Show me the
comfiest room I get for this much. [shows him a silver
coin]
Innkeeper. Right this way.
[He leads
her to a lower-story room and lets her have a look inside. Lilia inspects the
room perfunctorily and her face twitches slightly. Whoever does the
housekeeping on this floor evidently isn’t getting paid as much as he/she would
like.]
Lilia. On second
thought, how about the comfiest, cleanest
room I get for this much. [holds out two gold coins]
[He leads
her upstairs to another room. Lilia is pleased to find a big-screen TV on the
dresser, a twin-size bed, and no vermin to speak of.]
Lilia. This one
will be fine.
Innkeeper. Thanks and good night. Wake-up call is
[Lilia sets
her things down in the closet, flips off the light, and jumps into bed. A few
minutes pass as more guests arrive and fall to carousing. Lilia is seconds away
from peaceful slumber when some drunken idiot in the taproom produces a boom
box and switches it on.]
Boom
box. [really,
really loud] ♪ Y’ALL GONNA MAKE ME LOSE MY MIND, UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE!
Y’ALL GONNA MAKE ME GO ALL OUT, etc. ♪
[She sighs,
shuffles back to the taproom (now packed with patrons dancing their butts off)
with all her stuff, and snatches her two gold coins from the innkeeper. The
blindfolded crone merely sits there and continues to eye Lilia.]
Innkeeper. HEY!
Lilia. [groggy] On…third…thought…I
want the comfiest, cleanest, MOST SOUNDPROOF room THIS MUCH [shoves the two
gold coins plus a handful of ten more back in his face] pays for!
Innkeeper. [astounded
and annoyed] Geez, you are a picky little hussy…[Lilia slaps him] A’right, a’right.
[He leads
her to the third floor. This monstrosity of a room is more than fit for a king.
The bed could very well have been stolen from a giant’s lair (and vibrates at
the push of a button), the TV might as well be called a moving mural, and
beside the nightstand sits a minibar containing every
kind of food, drink, and liquor imaginable. But most importantly, the melodic
strains of DMX’s “Party Up” are no longer audible.]
Lilia. Whoo! I like this
one!
Innkeeper. You better! One more word out of your
mouth tonight and you can sleep on the sidewalk without a refund! [slams door]
[Lilia sets
her stuff down again and settles into the gargantuan bed. As she reaches for
the light switch, there is an explosion as a purple mushroom cloud erupts in
the center of the room. Lilia yelps and dives under the covers. The purple
smoke clears, revealing the old crone from downstairs.]
Lilia. [fearfully peering out at the crone] You—you’re—
Crone. [curtsy] Mad
Madame Mimm, at your service!
Lilia. [nervous] Um, yes, pleased to meet you. Why were you just
looking at me downstairs?
Mme. Mimm. [to audience] I am a
seer. It’s my job to see what your problems are, problems
that only I can get rid of for you!
Lilia. Excuse me,
I’m over this way.
Mme. Mimm. [to wall] Beg pardon?
Lilia. You’re
talking the wrong—[exasperated] Here.
[She bends
down and reaches for Mme. Mimm’s blindfold, and gets
a whack on her fingers for her efforts.]
Mme. Mimm. Ah ah, don’t touch the
blindfold. [to ceiling] As I was saying, I can see you are deeply troubled, young one.
Lilia. It’s nothing
serious, really; I just can’t sleep tonight.
[Silence. Mme. Mimm turns to Lilia
and peers through the blindfold.]
Mme. Mimm. [to self] Then that
clinches it. I knew I sensed
something ill about you.
Lilia. Eh?
Mme. Mimm. [again to self] Yes!
Yes, of course! What else could it be, I ask you?
Lilia. What else
could what be?
Mme. Mimm. [still to self] Hmmm,
yes, you’re wrong, child. This is
quite serious. I hope I won’t have to apply the—
Lilia. [shaking Mme. Mimm by the
shoulders] WILL YOU [censored]ING QUIT MUSING AND GET
TO THE POINT???
[No reply.
Mme. Mimm stares at her blankly.]
Mme. Mimm. I…I forgot.
Lilia. URRRGGGH!
Mme. Mimm. Let me backtrack and see…what was I just
thinking? It had something to do with some spirit…the spirit of someone who
died from lack of sleep and wants to exact revenge on the living by keeping
them awake…and…[loses it] Oh, dear.
Lilia. AND?
Mme. Mimm. An Insomniac. There’s
one in your head right now.
Lilia. [skeptical] Oh, come on.
I wasn’t ranting at the innkeeper over some evil spirit’s doing, unless you
count DMX’s music when it’s turned up loud enough to
wake the dead! And it wasn’t even a very good song in the first place!
Mme. Mimm. Huh? Wait, what do—
Lilia. Look, this
whole magic show is all very entertaining, but if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a
lecture to go to tomorrow morning. G’night! [crawls into bed]
Mme. Mimm. WAIT!
[Lilia
glares at her.]
Mme. Mimm. What did you mean DMX’s
music? That was “Hard Day’s Night” by the Beatles if I ever heard it.
Lilia. [incredulous] Are you joking?!
Or just deaf?
Mme. Mimm. Neither. Madame Mimm hears all as well as sees. Believe you me, I heard that
Insomniac screaming that rap music in your brain as sure as I heard you yelling
and stamping your feet in the courtyard of St. Gonzo’s.
Lilia. [astounded] … [more interested] You heard
that too? Then…what did the Insomniac do that time? Make my hammock feel like a
bed of spikes?
Mme. Mimm. Yeppers.
Lilia. [unsure how to take all of this] Sheesh. So, can you exorcise
me?
Mme. Mimm. I can, child, but I need your help. See, the
Insomniac isn’t like most spirits. The reason you see and hear a Shade, for
instance, is because it visits itself upon the visual and auditory parts of
your brain.
Lilia. Mm-hmm.
Mme. Mimm. Now, the Insomniac roots itself right in your
subconscious, so a mere exorcism won’t do it. This needs special treatment.
Lilia. What kind?
Mme. Mimm. Unfortunately, child,
therein lies the catch-22…or catch-ZZ, as it were, heh
heh. You can’t sleep until we get that Insomniac out
of there, right?
Lilia. Yeh…
Mme. Mimm. Well, guess what—nothing short of unconsciousness
will expose the subconscious to magic from the outside world. That’s right; to
get the thing out, I need you asleep!
Lilia. [chagrined] Oh, gods! What
am I supposed to do then?!
Mme. Mimm. But all is not lost. A little general anesthesia
should help us clear that barrier for a while. [produces
an IV drip]
Lilia. [relax] I hope so.
Mme. Mimm. But now that’s where you come in. Not even a
drug-induced sleep is completely safe from this creature unless the sleeper
fights it. I hope you’re up on your staff fighting, girl.
Lilia. …Okay, so
you’ll put me to sleep and then magick the SOB out
while I beat its butt. Sounds like a plan.
Mme. Mimm. Precisely. Now let’s get
started. Lie down, if you would…
[Lilia
obliges. Mme. Mimm hooks a tube with a needle to the
IV drip. Lilia only flinches a little as the needle
enters her arm and is taped down. Slowly fade to black as Mme. Mimm produces various magical paraphernalia…]
SCENE
3
Setting: Lilia’s mind
At rise: Spotlight on
Lilia lying prone at center stage. As she awakens, the whole stage dimly lights
up, revealing the multitude of interconnected rooms that form the very LSD-trippy and multi-tiered maze of her subconscious. She looks
all around, astounded.
Lilia. Geez…this is my head? [critically]
Hmm…needs a paint job, if you ask me…
[She
attempts to navigate the maze with spotlight trailing her, unknowingly
retracing her steps several times. Eventually she starts to hear little voices
softly whispering her name, and little streaks of light appear and begin to
dance around. The longer she wanders, the louder the whispers get, the more her
pace speeds up, and the faster and more numerous are the streaks of light. At
length the whispers morph into terrified screams and agonized moans, Lilia
collapses and clutches at her head, and the stage is a freakish disco ball.]
Lilia. [horrified] No…gods,
make it stop! Please! Stop it! Stop trying to scare me awake and show your ugly
mug already!!!
[As if in
answer, darkness washes over the stage and all is suddenly silent. Spotlight on
her, then on an image appearing directly before her: a man in white priest
robes standing before an altar…with Lilia’s head sewn where his own should be.]
Priest. [Lilia’s voice, as if preaching] Lilia
lilia, lilia lilia lilia lilia
lilia,…
[Lilia
stares at him/her wordlessly.]
Priest. Lilia lilia lilia!
[Spotlight
on another image: a woman in Sunday clothes sitting in a church pew. Her head
has also been severed and replaced with Lilia’s. She turns to Lilia.]
Woman. [also in
Lilia’s voice] Lilia lilia.
Lilia. Lilia…lilia lilia—[gasp]
[As the
“Lilia-Lilia-Lilia”ing slowly builds up, more
spotlights all around, revealing more Lilia-headed parishioners of varying
genders. At length the whole stage slowly lights up, revealing the interior of
a church, and the parishioners join hands and sing:]
Parishioners. ♪ Lilia lilia, lilia lilia lilia… ♪
Lilia. LIILIIIIAAAA!!!!!
[She sprints
for the church doors, but the parishioners block her way. When she tries to
duck under their joined arms, they kick at her. In desperation, she pulls out
her staff and clubs the nearest parishioner in the head. The singing continues,
but all heads turn towards Lilia. They slowly advance on her like a mob of
zombies, but Lilia fights them off as she makes her way to the door. When she
finally stumbles through it, there is total darkness again.
[Slow, heavy
breathing is the only sound. Fade into a dimly-lit chamber flooded ankle-deep
with strange-colored water. The walls are like living flesh and giant
stalactites protrude from the surface of the water. Spotlight
on Lilia standing on a platform hovering in midair, then on a robed figure on
another platform at the other end of the chamber. They eye each other
without speaking for a moment. Finally Insomniac grins and throws off its robe,
revealing a perfect likeness of—]
Lilia. GWYNNE?!
[The
creature in her best friend’s clothing reaches out, and a long, wicked-looking
staff flies straight into her grasp. Suddenly both platforms crumble beneath
their feet, and both women land on their feet in the water. “Gwynne” launches
the first attack, and the duel begins.
[At last Lilia
deals one too many blows to the creature’s head, sending it sprawling facedown
in the water. Gray tendrils of smoke rise from the corpse and begin to coalesce
and take human form. But when multicolored lights fall all over the stage and
Madame Mimm’s arcane chanting begins to echo through
the chamber, the spirit freezes for a moment. Then it trembles and clutches
vainly at its faintly glowing self, trying to keep from being torn apart. As the chanting grows louder, the spirit and the lights glow
brighter and the smoke less human-shaped. Finally a blinding flash of
white light, quickly followed by yet more darkness.]
EPILOGUE
Setting: St. Gonzo of
York (courtyard and upstairs dorm rooms)
At rise:
Gwynne. [pant, heave]
Gods…what…a dream? [Enter Lilia via the courtyard, carrying her staff and overnight
bag] Back so soon? No better place to sleep, I bet.
Lilia. Nope. [enters the dorm, emerges upstairs in her own room]
Gwynne. [through the
little hole in the wall that acts as their “phone”] I just had the worst dream!
You and I were in this…place, and we
were—
Both. –clobbering each other.
Gwynne. [surprised]
How’d you know?
Lilia. [climbs into bed] I didn’t. Just a lucky
guess.
Gwynne. Mm.
[They lie
awake on their beds for a moment without speaking.]
Gwynne. So…what was wrong with…wherever you
went?
Lilia. Too noisy.
Gwynne. Uh huh.
[More
silence.]
Gwynne. Then you’ll be sleeping in your room
now?
Lilia. Yep.
[Even more
silence.]
Gwynne. Hey, where exactly did—
Lilia. Gwynne.
Gwynne. What?
Lilia. Go to sleep.
Gwynne.
[shrug] M’kay. G’night.
Lilia. Night.
[Curtains as
the two of them drift off into the most wonderful sleep ever.]