To say that the original TCM is misunderstood is a bit of an understatement. I fondly remember my days as an undergraduate at Clemson University, where in late October one year, the student paper, creatively called "The Tiger," ran a list of "Top 5 Best and Worst Horror Movies." Imagine the future-Vaultkeeper's shock and dismay to find Hooper's TCM under the "Worst" side. Worse yet was the brain-dead description printed. The author, who evidently preferred safer "horror" offerings such as Signs (ugh), railed at TCM, remarking that "It is so stupid, just a lot of half-naked girls running through the woods getting chased by some guy with a chainsaw." I, being the champion of such causes, took offense and immediately wrote a letter (email) to the author debating their stance, mentioning certain elements which would readily apparent to anyone who had seen the film -- ie., the meathook scene, the family dinner, the chainsaw dance. Her response, unsurprisingly, was that she had saw the movie on cable a few years ago, and she had "no recollection" of any of the scenes I had mentioned. My reply to her, which also unsurpisingly was never answered, was that she had not seen the original TCM and that she should do some fact-checking before bashing a genre classic. Then again, this same article listed Bruno Matei's Rats as one of the "Worst," and while that may be valid, the author then stated that she had never watched the film, but "the box at the video store is so stupid." I rest my case.
In any event, its pretty well-accepted by the horror afficianado community that TCM has a rep for gore which simply is not substantiated within its running time. With this knowledge, Michael Bay marketted his remake brillantly; playing up the "based on true events" angle, and essentially promising to deliver 21st century spooks that were more palatable to "modern tastes" than some musty, blood-soaked relic. Keeping the basic framework (kids in a van through Texas meet up with a family of freaks) and ditching the rest, Bay's film may not have been reviewed that well critically, but seemed to be a hit with the paying audience. But can it stand up to it's high-powered ancestor?
Our film begins roughly the same as the original: 5 roughly-defined teens are riding in a van through Texas when they stop to pick someone up off the road. This time, however, the psuedo-hitchhiker is a distressed girl obviously in a state of shock. Wanting to get this girl some help without missing their concert in Dallas (FREEBIRD!), the teens decide to find a hospital for her. When they start heading into town, the girl freaks out, eventually pulling a gun from up her dress (...wha-huh?!) and redecorating the back of the van with her grey matter. It is worth noting that less than 20 minutes into the film, the remake already has more gore than the original.
Now stuck with a corpse in their backseat, the teens end up at a side of the road gas station and BBQ pit, where they attempt to contact the sheriff. Problem is, for reasons unknown, the sheriff won't come out there, and will meet them at the Old Harper Mill. After much consternation, the teens go to the Old Mill (a cliche which amused me to no end) and wait for the Sheriff, only instead to meet a rough-looking wildchild, who tells them that the sheriff's house is nearby. Doing the smart thing and splitting up, the unlikely-named defacto leader Kemper and his girlfriend, the Obvious Heroine Erin to the sheriff's house, they end up meeting a loon in a wheelchair who likes to remind people to get off his property. While Erin uses the phone, and then gets her butt felt up by crazy wheelchair man, Kemper meets up with Leatherface via a sledgehammer to the skull.
Meanwhile, the other teens -- geeky pothead Morgan, 70s blonde boy Andy, and horny hitchiker from El Paso Pepper -- meet up with the sheriff, played by R. Lee Emery! Emery swears a lot as he enlists Andy to help Saran-Wrap the body and put it in his trunk, uttering the brillant line "Don't break my stuff." He leaves before Erin returns, thinking that Kemper came back to the Old Mill. When he is not found, Andy and Erin go back to the house to look for him, only to get attacked by Leatherface as well. Erin manages to escape, but Andy is not so lucky -- he ends up with a chainsaw amputation of his left leg around the knee, then hung on a meathook, and then having his leg wound salted -- all in a sequence which again has more gore than the entire original film. Erin runs back to the van, only to run afoul of the sheriff, who is mighty suspicious. In case anyone didn't know he was evil, he begins to psychologically torture Morgan, then drags him off in his squad car, leaving the girls to get attacked by Leatherface and Pepper to be sliced up off-screen. Everything starts coming to a head then, as Erin makes her way to the house and then ends up in a prolonged chase to avoid Leatherface's phallic Husqvarna.
While there is nothing particularly wrong with this film there is not especially noteworthy either. The gore is alright, as are the makeup effects, cinematography, and direction. Bay sticks to his "dripping things are scary" mindset, and while one may question its effectiveness, its at least consistent. The acting is about what you would expect from both the teen victims and the freaks (which covers the entire cast save one). But nothing stands out as being overly good, original, or scary. All of the elements are there, but they ring hollow, as if they were designed not from some organic process but rather from a focus group. This is fairly ho-hum, seen-it-before horror.
Part of the problem is that it does not compare well with either its inspiration or its contemporaries. House of 1000 Corpses may be a little disorganized, but it has a great manic energy and memorable, creepy characters and setpieces, all of which this film lacks. It tries very hard during the climactic chase, but the scene is derailed by its predictable twists and turns. And while there family is certainly freakish, the Hewitt family can't hold a candle to the admittedly over-the-top Firefly clan. The film looks even rougher next to the similarly-themed (and substantially lower-budget) Wrong Turn, which despite its cheapie status, is routinely more interesting, more surprising, and more frightening and suspenseful than TCM. Next to the taut and efficient Wrong Turn, TCM meanders through it's running length. Both contain scenes where outsiders gingerly take a look through the respective family's workshop/kitchen, and the difference is night and day. Where Wrong Turn's Mountain Men's cabin was gruesome and unsettling, the Hewitt's just looks poorly kept. Leatherface's workshop is littered with body parts (including the head of Harry Knowles, which made me laugh), but the whole thing seems like something you might see at a neighborhood Haunted House than in a major Hollywood horror film.
It's not all bad though. As I said the effects are pretty good. The saw-, hammer-, and cleaver-play is fun as usual with these kinds of films. Jessica Biel's Erin may be a little too pretty (and did we really need to see her bare midriff for the entire film?), but she makes for a good protagonist which followers of the "Final Girl" theory will eat up. Casting R. Lee Emery as the sheriff is pure genius; whoever made that casting call deserves a gold star and 50 cool points. Emery is the only one here who pushes the envelope, mixing parts of his Full Metal Jacket persona with equal bits stock Redneck Sheriff and just a dash of Captain Spaulding for good measure. Its no surprise that he is substantially more menacing than Leatherface, despite not weilding a chainsaw. He also has some great character moments which make him stand out to me, including a scene where he gets his pants ironed which made me grin.
Leatherface himself is physically imposing if not as viscerally and visually arresting as the original. He gets most of the gore scenes, as is appropriate, but we also have a few interesting character moments with him as well, mostly dealing with his mother and another, unidentified female family member talking about how he is a good boy who never hurt nobody, and how cruel the rest of the world was for making fun of his skin disease. The chainsaw remains the phallic symbol it always was, especially in one scene where he attacks Erin and Pepper in the van. In the end, he's a serviceable update to the original, but doesn't really add much to the character's history.
In closing, the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is passable entertainment for non-genre fans. It's got more gore and freaks than your average date movie, and will ellicit the squeels and shrieks of the girlfriends and wives in the audience. But hardcore horror fans, who will probably buy the film out of loyalty to the series, will more than likely be disappointed. The Saw Is Family, but this film is just average.
