& Other Fun Jokes
Don't get upset! They
are just jokes! If you don't like them - Then Fine!
Just keep your
self warm playing all them hot licks and have a laugh with a joke or two!
This riddle concerns three elderly ladies,
a large bottle of Jack Daniel's (Black Label), and a baseball game.
You get to be a detective!!!
Here goes.... The three ladies went to their first baseball game.
This was something that was an occasion of great excitement to them.
To add to the excitement, they smuggled a bottle of booze into the
and started immediately to enhance the soft drinks they bought.
It was a good game.
There was a lot of action on the field and a lot of action in the
All too soon, long before the game was over, the bottle was nearly
By now, you should have enough information to be able to tell how far
along the game is,
and what the status of the game is, namely, the inning and how many
runners are on base.
Have you figured it out yet?
It's the bottom
of the fifth, and the bags are loaded.
Q. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Californians cannot afford to turn on the lights.
Joe Brown's broken leg.
"Well Doc," said farmer Brown, "It's like this. Twenty-five
years ago ..."
"Never mind what happened twenty-five years ago, Joe," interrupted
the doctor, "How did you break your leg this morning?"
"Like I was sayin', Doc, it was twenty-five years ago, and I was
hired for doin' chores at Ol' Man Hanley's place. I finished my
work, and as I'm gettin' into bed, his daughter comes in, asks if
everything's alright. I said, yup, everything's fine. She said,
'Is there anything I can do for you?' I said, no, I reckon I'm
fine. She asked me, 'Are you sure there ain't nothin' I can do for
you?' I said 'Well, I reckon not.' And she left."
"Joe, that's a good story," said the doctor, "but what does that
have to do with breaking your leg this morning?"
"Well, as I was fixin' the barn, I figured out what she was talkin'
about and fell off the roof."
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three
children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud with empty food boxes
and wrappers strewn all around the
front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and
the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a
cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog
was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was
spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles ofclothes, looking for
his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or thatsomething serious had happened. He found
her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at
her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and
answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me
what in the world I did today?" "Yes" was his incredulous reply. She
"Well, today I didn't do it."
What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
-The stage is level.
How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?Twelve. One to change the bulb and
eleven to say they could do it better.
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None--they just steal somebody else's light.
How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
1. None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand.
2. Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice.
3. One, but the guitarist has to show him first.
4. Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are
hogging the light.
In the 22th century, how many guitar players will you need to replace a light
source?-Five. One to actually do it, and four
to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
- "My guitar is broken. I need a Repairman!"
- "A Luthier?"
- "I don't care what religion he is as long as he can fix my guitar!
For fathers of small kids:
D A D D E E
For an abusive father:
B A D D A D
For the worlds greatest father:
F A B D A D
For a tough New Yorker:
B A G C A B
For a talkative taxi driver:
C A B G A B
For a Grateful Dead fan:
D E A D E D
For a police officer:
B A D G E D
For a file clerk:
A B C D E F
For Old McDonald:
B A A B A A
For a crooked FBI agent:
B A D F E D
For a muscle man:
B E E F E E
For the Gibb brothers:
B E E G E E
For my daughter on the phone:
G A B G A B
For a hippie:
B E A D E D
For playing on a cot:
B A D B E D
For playing on a Martin:
C F C F C F
- What's the difference between a guitarist and a mutual fund?- One matures.
- What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?- Homeless.
- Why did the drummer join the band?- He wanted to hang out with
- How does a guitar player change a light bulb?- He lies on the bed so that the room
is spinning around it.
- How does a guitar player show up for practice?- Drunk and late......... as usual
- How many guitar players does it take to cover a Jerry Reed tune?- Evidently all of them.
- What's the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?- You can tune a guitar but you can't
- What is the definition of a minor second?- Two lead guitarists playing in
- How do you make a lead guitarist slow down?- Put some sheet music in front of
- How do you make him stop?- Put notes on it.
- What do you throw a drowning guitarist?- His amplifier. (That one is real bad, sorry!)
- How do you make a guitarist's eyes light up?- Shine a flashlight in his ear. (Hey, I don't write them!)
- What's the range of a Gibson Les Paul?- Depends on how far you throw it. (Ouch!)
- Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners?- So the rest of the band can
- What's black and blue and laying in a ditch?- A guitarist who's told too many
-What's the difference between a fiddle & a violin?-Who cares - neither one's a guitar!
-What's the best thing to play on a guitar?-Solitaire. (For sure! Jer!)
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?-He caressed it softly and told it
that he loved it. (Hey, can I be
Jer's amp. hee hee)
How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison?-Shoot One. (Yikes!)
What's the difference between a Lead Guitarist and the PLO?-You can negotiate with the PLO.
What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit?"Will the defendant please
Why do guitar players leave their capos on thier dashboards?-So they can park in the handicapped
Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune?-Neither did I. (Tune that thing kind of funky!)
Why do 95% of all musicians have long hair?Because they spend so much money on
guitar equipment, they can't afford a haircut!
What's the difference between Rock music and a machine gun?The machine gun only repeats 10 times
What's the difference between an Electric Guitar and an onion ?No one cries when you cut up an
What's worse than telling jokes about guitarists?
Laughing at 'em.
(Did we get you to laugh at any of them? Hee Hee)
WHY GUITARS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN: (Don't get upset ladies, just scroll down for
Guitars don't get pregnant.
You can play your Guitar any time of the month.
Guitars don't have parents.
Guitars don't whine... unless you want them to.
You can share your Guitar with your friends.
Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you've played
Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you have.
Guitars don't care if you look at other Guitars.
Guitars don't care if you buy Guitar magazines.
You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to proud father of a new Guitar"
unless you go out to buy one yourself.
If your Guitar is flat you can fix it.
Your Guitar doesn't care if you never listen to it.
Your Guitar won't care if you leave up the toilet seat.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Guitar.
If you say bad things to your Guitar, you don't have to apologize before you play it
You can play your Guitar as long as you want and it won't get sore.
You can stop playing your Guitar as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.
Your parents won't remain in touch with your old Guitar after you dump it.
Guitars don't get headaches.
Guitars don't insult you if you're a bad player.
Your Guitar never wants a night out with the other Guitars.
Guitars don't care if you're late.
You don't have to take a shower before you play your Guitar.
If your Guitar doesn't look good you can refinish it or get new parts.
You can play your Guitar the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner,
see a movie, or meet its mother.
The only protection you have to wear when playing your Guitar is a decent thumb pick. (Hee
When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great time you had the last time you
played your Guitar. ;-)
If you decide to part with an old Guitar, you don't have to give up half of everything you
Boo for the guys now us girls get even!
WHY GUITARS ARE BETTER THAN (Most) MEN: (Jerry excluded! Honey)
Guitars don't work late.
Your Guitar stays as clean as you want it to.
Guitars don't have wives, parents or kids.
Guitars don't get sick.
Guitars don't get overweight, unless you like the Jumbo style.
If you say bad things to your Guitar, you don't have to apologize before you play it
Your Guitar always has time for you.
Guitars don't watch TV.
Guitars never need a shave, nor do they have hair on their backs.
Guitars don't snore.
Guitars don't leave a mess in the kitchen or bathroom.
If you don't like the length of your Guitar's appendage you can get a new one.
You can try out as many Guitars as you like before you get your own. Ha Ha !!
You don't have to feed your Guitar.
Guitars never argue, you are always right.
Guitars never wake you up in the middle of the night, for any reason.
Guitars never try to show you off to their friends.
Guitars don't come home drunk after a night out with the other Guitars.
Guitars don't sneak around with other Guitars. ;-)
Guitars don't care what you look like or what your age is.
Guitars don't care and don't comment about what you spend your money on.
Guitars don't care if you have to work late.
When you're playing, your Guitar doesn't care if other Guitars are bigger or better.
Guitars don't care about their performance.
Guitars don't get you pregnant.
Guitars don't have mothers.
When you've finished playing, you can put it away. SNICKER!
You don't have to praise a Guitar after playing it. BIG SNICKER!
Guitars don't sulk.
Guitars don't bore you.
Guitars don't abandon you at gatherings for more interesting players.
Guitars don't have to prove anything.
Guitars don't try to change you once you've bought them.
Guitars don't get jealous of your male colleagues.
Guitars never interrogate you.
Second-hand Guitars don't brag about previous owners. OUCH
Second-hand Guitars don't go to see previous owners when you're out of town. DOUBLE
Guitars never put you down, yet you can put them down whenever you wish.
Guitars don't complain if you wear "sensible" clothes.
Guitars don't have egos.
Guitars don't need remote control units.
When you're lost you don't have to argue with your Guitar about stopping to ask the band
for directions. :->
When your Guitar is being played too slow, you can speed up.
When you need someone to play with, your Guitar is happy to accomodate. SONNNN!
You buy the tools your Guitar needs; it doesn't buy tools that never get used.
You don't have to continually assure your Guitar that its string length is just right.
You determine the length and frequency of playing, and you're always in control.
Your Guitar never finishes before you do. WOW!
Your Guitar doesn't complain about your going out to dinner with your women friends rather
than staying at home with it.
You never get helpful suggestions from your Guitar's mother.
Your Guitars will allow you to play it even on Super Bowl Sunday. YEAH!
Your Guitar never complains if you put on a few pounds.
When your Guitar is dysfunctional you know how to get it fixed (and knowthat it can be
Your Guitar will never earn more than you do for the same job just because it's a Guitar.
Your Guitar never spends a "night out with the Guitars" and comes home with a
strange rash on its fretboard. OUCH!
Your Guitar will never turn into a beer bellied blob of wood and metal on the couch in
front of the TV.
THESE ARE NOT JERRY REED
JOKES! SO DON'T BLAME HIM!
THIS WAS TAKEN FROM A PAGE ON THE WEB, IF
IT IS YOURS AND YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT HERE JUST LET ME KNOW. I COPIED IT SOMETIME AGO
AND DON'T KNOW WHERE IT CAME FROM!