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By Jacqueline Cutler 1. Mike O'Malley and Liza Snyder, who play Jimmy and Christine Hughes on the CBS hit Monday (8:30 p.m. ET) comedy "Yes, Dear," are good sports. For this Q&A session on parenting, they have agreed to stay in character, drawing on their characters' lackadaisical approach to child-rearing. O'Malley, in fact, is so sloppily clad in an old T-shirt and worn pants that one patron at the fancy Manhattan restaurant where the interview is conducted is moved to remark, "Hey, some of us have to dress up to come here." In their lives away from the set, O'Malley is married, and Snyder is single; neither has children. The questions that follow were not supplied to them ahead of time, nor did they know this was the sort of interview in which they'd be participating. Their replies are completely off the cuff. Snyder requests that if she ever does have children, social services agencies realize her responses are intended as a joke. Q: What is the mother's primary job? Snyder: Making the husband do all the work. Q: And the father's primary job? O'Malley: Teaching discipline, a sense of humor and teaching the kids to take care of themselves. Q: Do you have any potty training tips? O'Malley: Feed him stuff that makes him have diarrhea. Snyder: Abuse is the only way. Shame and ridicule. Q: What is the best way to get a baby to sleep? O'Malley: Drugs. Snyder: Nyquil, and when breast-feeding, a shot of tequila and a bong hit. O'Malley: A nice shot of whiskey. Snyder: Heroin starts to work well. Q: What are the best first foods for a baby? O'Malley: Pizza and any cereal that can be dumped on the floor. Snyder: Soggy Cap'n Crunch. Q: How do you babyproof a house? O'Malley and Snyder simultaneously: Don't have a baby. Q: What is the best present for a toddler's first birthday? O'Malley: A bottle of good scotch. Snyder: Duct tape. Q: What are important words to teach as a child learns to speak? O'Malley: "You are right, Daddy." And "I love you, Grandma." Snyder: Silence. Q: What are good things to do with a toddler? O'Malley: Chuck E. Cheese. Snyder: Get him in a big play group, so you don't have to watch him. I'd love to go to the petting zoo, so they can catch hoof and mouth disease and die. Q: What is the best way to handle a temper tantrum? O'Malley: Get down on the floor and do exactly what they are doing, and they won't know how to handle it. Snyder: That's where the duct tape comes into play, actually. Q: What is the best way to discipline a child? Snyder: Again, the duct tape. O'Malley: If you are thinking discipline through distraction, a good slap on the bum always works. Q: Should children have pets? Snyder: No, that's why you get him a sibling. O'Malley: I don't do dog hair, or cat hair or dog poop, so no. Q: What TV shows, if any, should preschool children watch? Snyder: Pretty much anything, including stuff on HBO, as long as the mute is on. O'Malley: "Oz" will scare him straight. Q: What foods should children's diets include? Snyder: Spare ribs, pudding and jelly beans. O'Malley: Fruit Roll-Ups, Goldfish [crackers] and raisins. Q: What makes for a good baby sitter? Snyder: Anyone who will do it and won't molest my children. O'Malley: People on some sort of work-release program. You always know where they are because of the bracelet. Q: When is the appropriate time to tell children about sex? Snyder: Hopefully before they have it. O'Malley: Early enough. What we are telling them about sex are the consequences. No one gives you any technique. Q: How involved should parents be with homework? Snyder: I'm always happy when my kids help me with my homework. O'Malley: It's the reason we want our kids to be educated, not stupid like us. Q: What do you consider a bad grade? O'Malley: Anything that gets them kicked out of school, then you say, "Don't do that anymore," and "There's always acting." Snyder: An "A" is a bad grade because as soon as they get those, kids are smarter than you, and are no longer in your control. Q: What is the appropriate age to date? O'Malley: For girls, once you are married. For boys, once you realize the consequences of marriage. Snyder: For boys, 8; they need the practice. Q: How do you check out your teens' suitors? Snyder: FBI profiler. O'Malley: For your son in high school, any girl who doesn't have a tattoo on the small of her back, and once you are in college, God bless them all. Q: What is the best advice to give children? Snyder: Don't be grown-ups. O'Malley: Don't get shot.
