October 10th 2006 - 8:16pm Stress...Stress...Stressed with stress on the side. How about a nice order of STRESS? I think MOSTLY I'm growing very impatient and can't even deal with anything little anymore. I can't even deal with someone asking me a question without flipping out. I can't deal with having to listen to the idiot lil teenagers though Billy's xBox live bullshit. I just want to jump off of a bridge, or in front of a train, or out in the middle of the street. I can't handle anything anymore. Even lil things that shouldn't be so hard about the wedding that I can't figure out by myself I'm flipping out about n driving myself insane.
N mostly I fucking HATE the Navy for taking Yoshii away from me for this long. This is too hard. I cry most allll day and even more at night. N then go figure when he does call tonight I'm so stressed out I end up yelling at him on the phone for 15 mins and hanging up on him twice. Cuz I just can't fucking take anything. I was telling him (n yes, I was yelling but I didn't mean to be yelling AT HIM just mad at the Navy) bout how I'm going crazy cuz I can never talk to him. I can't handle it anymore. I've been suicidal all day cuz of all this stress. (As well as yesterday and 2 days before that.) Trying to convince myself not to run straight into the wall n bang my head into it. Or stab myself in the face with kitchen knives...Or slit my throat a few times with a razor blade. These are the FUCT up things that have been going though my head ALLLLL day. I can't even think straight. I have no patience. I just want to go down in my room right now and smash though everything I own throwing everything all over and smashing it to the ground. I don't even fuckin care. N I told him that, n I told him I just want to kill myself. He said he doesn't know to do anymore. He told me to stop with all the planning, n take a break. I CAN'T!! Then who will do it!??!?!?!?!
I can't deal with stress. I just wanna disappear. BUT I CAN'T! Cuz then who will make the wedding plans happen!??!?! I haven't even sent out the invitations or started making them yet...I'm going to go insane.
I don't even know why he puts up with me.
10:01pm So maybe it's a good thing I got so upset tonight, flipped the fuck out and just went crazy for a few hours. I wanted to destroy my entire room...(Wrote about that in my last entry...) Instead I just grabbed a garbage bag and went into the living room and angry-ly slashed through the entire room like a tornado and threw away everything in my path. I DID however look at papers first before I threw them away. Some were Yoshii's bank statements I've been saving. Actually, most of them were. I found a shit ton of PS2 games. I found everything I've been looking for and stressing out about, because I need them for the wedding... Which was all the index cards that I have written address on. A lil over 20 of them. As well as the printer install cd I've been looking for to print out invitations n other things I need. N I found the fuckin install cd for my digital camera...I haven't even had my digi cam in over a year. (Actually I just looked and I think that's the cd from my FIRST digi cam ever...Like years ago.) I found a book that I started reading God only knows how long. I know it was from before I got really heavy on drugs, cuz I remember that much. But I can't even remember where I got the book from, or who. I hope someone wasn't expecting it back. It's called Private Justice. Wow...It's like somewhere in the back of my mind who gave that to me to read, but I just can't dig that deep. I only made it about a 4th of the way though the book...It's not a library book at least. Maybe I should start reading it n see if it all comes back to me? Lol. I found Yu-Gi-Oh cards that will now be mine. I dunno. Found tons of stuff. I think the funniest though was a letter that Billy wrote out to our Youth Minster Paul about how he was lying about smoking weed, but he won't lie anymore. He writes to Paul all about he's gonna stop smoking weed, etc. etc. N being able to pass a pee test...
Now...I have to take MORE shit down to my room n it'll be all over the floor till I get the energy n patience to sort though it all. I NEED BOXES! ...My Dad said he's been getting me some, but maybe he was dreaming that? Cuz he hasn't given me any n there isn't any around the house, nor in the garage. I'm confused. I'll ask him tomorrow. I need to be able to sort things out n actually PUT THEM SOMEWHERE. When Yoshii gets back n we need to dip out to Virginia, I want things already packed n ready to go. N basically organized for that matter too.
N I'm confused as to why Damien text me randomly outta NO WHERE. I haven't texted him in FOREVER...He said he tried to call, but I didn't answer. N asked if I still lived in Clifton. (When I had my own apartment...) It's almost a year that I haven't lived there...Or longer? Wow...That's weird. Haha, okay found out why he text'd me... He was googling his name and my deviant art account came up cuz it said favourite photographer and I put him. He thanked me for the compliment. He said, "I'd still like to shoot you." LOL! I told him to come to the wedding then n use some film. The more people taking pictures, the better.
October 8th 2006 - 2:40pm Yesterday was good, then bad, then bad, bad again, then good, then really bad...So whatever...I don't feel like elaborating.
Employee of the Month staring Dane Cook was a really cool movie. Funny. But I'll never again go back to Newport on the Levee movie theaters. They're snobby bitches and assholes. Besides I'll be living in VA in a month any ways.
I'm trying to get into a good mood. I'm so upset with myself in every way possible.
Oh yeah...And I got a new book from the book store there. (I'm almost done with the book I bought a few days ago so I wanted a new one.) This book will take longer though...765 pages.
The Holocaust Chronicle A History in Words and Pictures Written and fact-checked by leading scholars, The Holocaust Chronicle is a timeline-based resource recounting the long, complex, and anguishing story of the Holocaust without bias or agenda. Over 2,000 photographs document the Holocaust in stark visual terms. Chapter-opening essays bring perspective to the most important years, 1933 through 1946.
October 5th 2006 - 5:40pm Hmmm...Last night I decided I'm going to start feeling better...Sometimes I try to cleanse my mind and body and fast. Any other time it only works for 2-3 days. Well...Im'a have stronger will power this time. N have some aid. Will power, will power, will power. You're only sad if you LET yourself be sad...That's what I think. N hmmm laxative tea doesn't taste so bad. I wonder if it will help cure my slow moving intestinal track. Then I can go back and laugh in all the Drs. faces for giving me stupid meds that I told them wouldn't work! (They haven't so far...) Besides that I'm going to cure my depression, give myself more enery and a new outlook on life. Just watch! Lol...Maybe. Don't take me TOOOO seriously. But yeah...If your body can start feeling better, I'm sure that will make the overall you feel better. Cleansing your body AND your mind together. This will be a true spirtual journey. Seems to be working so far...Althought it's kinda hard chugging down a quart of sea salt water every morning.
Appropriately enough starting my cleanse last night, Mama T. gave me a study book last night to read though Genesis.
I'm a lil hungry right now as I'm writing this. But for the most part it isn't that bad. Esp living here at my Dad's we don't have a lot of food any ways. I usually would just eat a can of tuna when I wake up for lunch and then maybe some mac n cheese or a salad later in the day. I don't really indulge in food any ways for the most part. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy food, I've just been USE TO not eating much.
October 1st 2006 - 9:22am So Yoshii told me that I might be able to get my new glasses. This makes me really happy...But gets my hopes really high. Cuz I really need and want new glasses. My vision is so bad, I'm getting scared I won't be able to see at all soon. Creepy. Shit, I haven't had my glasses in YEARS. Since like 2003 possibly? I feel like a blind bat. I can't even read the signs when I'm ordering at a restaurant. Well I went though my purse, cuz I knew I saved a phone number the nurse gave me last time I went for a checkup. Apparently there's an eye clinic at U.C. I can get a FREE eye exam. I'd have to take the prescription then to a place that makes glasses. So that knocks off about $85. I'm excited. Maybe I'll be able to see again!?
