September 30th 2006 - 12:59m Heh. I dunno. I feel so helpless sometimes. Yoshii's living conditions on that ship suck. His health sucks. Something is always happening where he gets hurt. It's annoying, to say the LEAST. When he went out on this deployment he already wasn't in the best health. When he talks to the Dr. o the ship or base, wherever it was. They don't do anything. Basically if he can walk, he's fine. . .Yeah. Bullshit. What is this, PRISON now? Sure sounds like it. He barely gets to talk on the phone, and WHEN HE DOES people in line bark at him the whole time so he can't even really talk to me any ways. I'd kill them. If I was paying to talk to someone on the phone, n people were yelling at me. I'd kick their fuckin lil asses. Not to mention that him n I have a wedding to plan where I WOULD like to let him have some part in. . .Kinda hard to do when I never get to talk to him. It's kinda hard for him to do anything when he has to work 10-16-19 hours a day. He's so physically worn out, it causes him to be mentally worn out as well. Actually, I dunno what he'd do without me. He probably wouldn't have a reason to keep going on n working so hard. Then again...Sometimes I think if we never got together maybe he wouldn't have any strong emotional attachments to the world outside his ship, so he wouldn't have to worry constantly or something. I think about many, many things...Erm...Just yesterday he's tellin me bout his sunburn, working 19 hours in hot Africa sun, sleeping like 3 hours, then working another 3-4 hours. He said he's got like 2nd degree burns even on his face. That makes me furious. I asked him if the others had to endure these extremes, like he does...He said only a few. It's like I guess the others don't apply themselves. So therefore they don't get made to do all that work? I guess he's getting walked all over on then...But if he doesn't do the best that he's able to do then they'll think he's a slacker, which he isn't at all. He's the kinda guy that will get the job done. N will till it does get done. Esp if other people aren't doing it right, or at all. That's sad though, no one else cares to help him or relieve him? I know his deployment missions or whatever aren't fuckin tea parties n they have to do whatever they are sent out to do...But what happened to equal treatment? "Emphasize integrity, ethics, efficiency, discipline and readiness -- afloat and ashore." Where's the ethics of this? "Always exercise fairness, impartiality, and timeliness in accomplishing our mission." Fairness, I don't even think Yoshii KNOWS what that worlds MEANS anymore...If there are 351,578 people in the Navy. 294,643 that are doing work...97 ships out on deployment right now? Then...Why do only a handful on a ship get treated un-fairly? Why do only a handful get worked like slaves till they fall over n die? He can't even get proper medical treatment? I'm just so frustrated. I'm trying to figure out HOW they're allowed to do this to their sailors, or anyone for that matter...Yoshii told me that they own him for the next 3 years...N there's nothing he can really do about it. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I feel helpless. I can't even help him. What can I do? Right...I dunno.
I wonder why Yoshii isn't allowed to tell me info that I can just find online (apparentaly) any ways: Commanding Officer CDR Teresa S. Sanford, USN, Executive Officer LCDR Carlos J. Cintron, USN, Command Master Chief CMDCM (SW/FMF) Dan Whiting, USN --- Family Care-line at 757-445-4444 (Toll Free 888-262-6673
September 21st 2006 - 12:26pm Wow. I'm even having panic attacks or anxiety or something nightmares in my sleep. I don't even EVER dream. (Well I was told that everyone dreams, but some people don't ever know it cuz they never remember them at all...) So yeah. Never dream. N last night it was like forever situations n stories n things happening un-folding in my dreams. I fuckin freaked out a few times. Woke up all scared with my chest sinking in or something thinking, 'Wait...Is that real?' Fuckin scared me. I felt horrible. I felt kinda like I was suffocating and dying. I think for a second then I convinced myself I WAS dying so I could just go back to sleep and never wake up. At least that's what I WANTED to happen. (As you can see, it didn't.) I'm really confused right now. I'm numb. N just stuck. I can honestly say that I want to die. I can't honestly say that I want to kill myself cuz consciously I DON'T but how else am I gotta stop breathing? Lol. So I was for a while there thinking vividly about hanging myself. Everything down to the perscice way and how it'd look when someone found me. I can honestly say I DO want to die cuz I WANT to be out of this mind and onto the next. I want to forget about this life and all it's pain. Just move forward. That probably sounds horrible. But I don't think so AT ALL. Maybe you wanna say that I'm sick in the head or something...But we all know that when you pass on from this body you will no longer remember your mind from it. So it stops all that pain. The perfect way out. N if I'm going to Heaven. That'd be perfect. If not...I'll just go on again n have another lifetime of pain and torment...But at least this one will be done.
BLAH...I can't shake these feelings. It's like a lot of things just don't matter anymore. All I CAN think about is getting out of this Hell. Sometimes I think about just plainly when in I'll be able to move out of my Dad's house in 2 months or so...Be with Yoshii forever n start a new life. But I get overwhelmed by thought of a quicker way I guess. Meh...I don't want him stuck with me forever if I'm fuckin weird in the head. He doesn't need to deal with that. **cries** Can't someone just take me away and lock me up somewhere?
September 20th 2006 - 10:52pm This is rambling n you probably don't WANT to read it...Nor should you...
I'm fed up. I just want to leave A LOT of shit behind already...Sadly enough, a lot of PEOPLE too. I'm SICK AND FUCKING TIRED of standing still. It's lame. Who the fuck wants to do the same fucking thing every day. I'm sick of it. It's old. I'm done with this family. I'm done with this house. It's retarded. I'm not a fuckin maid. I'm not a puppet. No one in this family is going anywhere except my sister n I. No one in this family DOES anything sept my sister n I. What the fuck is up with that? I've noticed this today while washing dishes...Why while washing dishes? Cuz NO ONE ELSE IN THE HOUSE WILL DO THEM! N guess who the only people in the house that WILL do them are...That's right...The women. That's bullshit. My Dad's girlfriend will do them when she is here to be nice, but mostly so my Dad doesn't get the chance to bitch her out about it. Or I do them if I'm bored or when my Dad bitches ME out to do them. Sometimes I'm not here or Elaine isn't n Amaris of course then has to do them. My Dad refuses to do them. He throws them out in the yard or in the trash. Billy acts like he has a physical ailment causing him to not be able TO DO them...He's NEVER washed a dish before. He doesn't even wash his own. If he can't run it under scolding hot water and it get cleaned, then he just leaves it n swears it isn't his for days till someone else is forced to wash it. Kevin, (my sister's boyfriend)...Yeah right...He stays up stairs n I have never once seen him do the dishes. What the fuck is wrong with the men in this house?! Are they so fuckin perfect that they can't lift a finger and do anything? Billy whouldn't clean or wash a dish if his life depended on it. He'll just run away from it, or wait till someone else does it. Check out his room. That stuff will just stay there until my Dad comes through and throws it all away (like he does the dishes). I personally don't mind when my Dad just throws the dishes away. He did that tonight...Threw them all in the trash. I was busy cleaning my room n folding tons and tons of peoples clothes in the basement. I come up stairs cuz my Dad starts yelling my name. N I walked past the dishes in the trash. Let him throw them away, when Billy doesn't have anything to eat off'a anymore he'll have to go out n buy something (which he'll them probably appreciate cuz he spent his own money on it)...Or just get it thrown away again, oh well. His loss. Then myself, heh I basically already have my own apartment type deal going on in the basement. I have my own bathroom (with shower if I want to use it), laundry n all that (buy my own laundry things), my room, kitchen (with food I bought myself or with Yoshii's money). So what do I even need the rest of the house or the people in it for? It upsets me. I have washed every dish that I've used for awhile now. Half of them in the sink tonight were my Dad's. Lol. Go figure. Rant, rant, rant...Blah, whatever. I don't really CARE about this family or this house much anymore. I guess I'll always have feelings for them n love them cuz they're family by blood. But I feel no attachment to them. That may sound awful...But that's how I feel. I'd love to just leave right now n be away from everything here. I don't really care where I go. The homeless shelter back in Kentucky was a more loving atmosphere and supportive of me than this household.
Yeah...I'm bending n breaking lately. The only people that I had to fall back on. Trust and lean on...They're falling underneath me as we speak. My feelings for them are becoming so tainted. I don't even know what to think or feel about that anymore. I'd just as soon rather leave all that behind too. I just feel it's easier to sever some things. N I might...When you feel neglected by someone that you had really high expectations for...N high standards of trust n high feelings n hopes of always being there. N you just feel cold to them anymore. It's kinda weird to figure out to do with...Let alone the fact that it's my own church...**sigh**
The only good things right now...Are...Well I THOUGHT my sanity. I haven't been depressed. Till just literally recently, tonight n very, very recently. Last Wed. kinda brought some on too but I was trying to forget about that, now it's back...Erm yeah I have been content with things in life in general from looking at them at an overall perspective. Then things with Yoshii are perfectly find as expected. He's awesome. We're awesome and life WITH him will be awesome. No one can ruin that, so I'm very happy about that. I'm very happy with where I'm at spiritually. There's so much good going on but there's just stupid petty shit that has to go. N I'm ready to let go of it, it's just a matter of physically being able to...People and places n whatnot.
Now the fuct up part is...I've been thinking about in the back of my mind self injury again, and drugs again. Reason being to have something that I can control. Something that I can be in charge of etc. Something that's going to go the way that I want it to. N is going to be how I want it. Thus, why I've been cleaning (mostly my room) non-stop. Cuz I can organize things, n clean things n make them the way that I want them. I can have control over where things go. N what is being done with them. (At least in MY room.) I'm don't like having to depend on much other things right now partly. I don't like waiting around for things. I want to do things, n I want to get them done. I want everything in order n I want it the way that I want it. N really if anyone disagrees with me or whatever I don't care. Cuz I don't care if they come or go. (That mostly applies to anyone...) I have this really crazy mindset that some people think is destructive. I just think it's mind-opening and people can't accept it. So I don't much worry about it. I let them go about doing their own thing n expect them to let me do mine...
N there's no point in writing this. I guess I just thought I'd let people know where my thoughts were, at least somewhat. Kinda hard to put a lot of things into words. Mostly deep feelings. . .Hard to express. But yeah if you don't hear from me in awhile it's cuz I can't really say anything...Dunno. I don't feel compelled to lately. I'm making myself write this right now cuz I really don't care if I update or now...BLAH! Pointless.
look in my eyes
I'm jaded now whatever that means
by sharing these things
I rip my heart out
it's worth my time
whatever that means...so
hard to see up
my neck feels stiff until I wake up
the orange i choked
and back to my neck
it's worth my time
whatever that means....so
share with me
cause i need it right now
let me see your insides
or write me off
cause I'd rather stop now if you won't open up
give it to me
give me all... whatever you want
it's never been me
to want this much from you
I can see
it tears me up
(tears me up)
look in my eyes
I'm jaded now whatever that means
by sharing these things
I rip my heart out
it's worth my time
whatever that means...so
September 19th 2006 - 6:49pm Hmmm...So I've been working, and working more. Working at work average 5 hours a day or so. (Some days last week were short.) Lately they're all 7-8 hour days. Which I like. Cuz more time = more money. More money = more left over for me after buying wedding stuffs. Ha! N thinking about that bra I have to buy for my wedding dress and it costing about $70 - $90 yeah...You can fuckin kiss my ass! That shit is gay. I don't even have $90 worth of boobs to be supported by a $90 bra! OMG! BLAH...Whatever.
Part of a comment I left Kim that amused me! "And then I was thinking...What would I feed it? Lol. What would my Dad think when he noticed I was hiding a chicken in my room? LMFAOOOOO! I might've been able to get away with it till Yoshii came back around the end of Nov. then he'd be like...'Uh. . .Liz, why are you hiding a pet chicken in your room?' Oh shit...I'm amused. Lol."
P.S. I'm tired. When can I get a day off?
September 15th 2006 - 3:22pm Yoshii returns to USA from deployment!: 2 Months
September 13th 2006 - 9:25pm It's wayyy past my bedtime. Fuckin 9:30pm. I haven't even taken a bath, n I won't have time to. So that fuckin blows. I have to get up at 5am. My eyes are fuckin tired and sore from crying all night. I feel like poop. I'm really sad. I miss Yoshii a lot. N I just want to fall asleep but I had to write an e-mail to someone real quick to express my feelings to them while they're still fresh. Or something like that...
I'll write more later or something. I gotta eat some sleeping pills n go to bed or I'll die tomorrow at work.
September 12th 2006 - 8:38pm Kevin's gettin a fuckin attitude cuz Amaris just came in here n asked if I wanted food to. Man, fuck him.
Ugh. I keep sneezing...I hope I'm just allergic to something. Probably assholes.
This is what my new Sketchers look like. Sept with a silver line kinda part around them or something. Not exactly like this pic, but it's the closest I could fine. Did I mention I love Sketchers? Oh yeah...They told me I'm too old for light up shoes. That almost made me cry. Literally...
And I can't think of anything else to write about...Uh. I'm going to try to go get my wedding dress tomorrow. Which means going though trying it on again n all that. I think I've been there 3-4 times trying it on getting it re-sized n things. It's a process. I can't wait to just take it home n be done with that part...I made Pasta Salad for lunch tomorrow...I need to buy some more green tea. It makes me happy...N I miss Yoshii. I think now that's all I can think of to write. Lol. Oh yeah, I hope he calls me soon.
September 11th 2006 - 4:03pm I was a Jack of all trades today. I did sorting checks, listing, and data entry today. Like all the different parts you can work in. That's good though. Cuz instead of last year when I worked there running out of data and going home after 2-3 hours. I can actually work a full day now. Just move to a different part n do another job. I'm happy with that. 8.5 hours. I'm pretty sure I can get at least 40 hours a week in. If not more. 8 hours a day. 7 days a week...We'll see. They said call in tomorrow n listen to the message, if not then do it tomorrow morning. Might not have to work, cuz there might not be any work to do.
Now I gotta walk my ass to fuckin Mariemont...I'm not excited about that. Almost had a panic attack when I came home because I asked Amaris to take me to the post office n she got all shitty with me. Ending result, no matter what I do. I'm never good enough. ESPECIALLY FOR MY FAMILY! They always find something else. Fuckin lame. I'm working now, nope. That's not good enough. Fuckin a. Fuck em. As long as Yoshii's proud of me.
5:05pm I'm sick of not being included in dinner. (Excluding Billy, cuz Billy doesn't eat what is made for dinner any ways, he usually just eats a pizza or fish sticks...) Tonight is one'a my favs. Those stuffed green peppers...Yeah...**sigh** I come home n smell them, get kinda happy. Then, "Oh we don't have enough for you..." Cool, thanks, whatever. **goes to her room** I guess.
I worked 8 hours. Whatever. I'm going to bed. Cry myself to sleep. Goodnight.
September 10th 2006 - 1:31pm Sooo...Apparently Brandon's at work right now n I start tomorrow. I come home from church n my Dad's all mad at me n shit. I'm like wtf did I do!??! He said Brandon showed up to take me to work...I'm thinkin, 'Uhhh no?' When I talked to the lady Robyn on the phone she did not make it clear that I was suppose to start THIS Sunday. The original date was the 15th. Which is next Friday. All she said was she's moving it to Sunday. So I figured the Sunday after the 15th. DER! Even last time I worked there they moved my start date to LATER. Any ways...I felt awful n fuckin retarded. I called her up n told her that I totally wasn't trying to miss the start day for work, n that I was at church n it wasn't made clear to me with a date meaning the 10th or 17th or whenever. She said it's cool it was just a misunderstanding and to come in tomorrow...I made sure that it wasn't going to be a penalty against me or anything, cuz I'm not gonna try to miss any days. So I'm glad I'm good with all that. N people when they tell you the date of something, should really always tell you the damn NUMBER of the date. Der...There's 4 Sunday's in the month. Pick one! Lol. So I'm relieved. N slightly annoyed that it happened. But it's all good. I'm going out at 2pm with Mama T. from church to go get some work pants and a few shirts n some shoes or something. My Dad gave me $200 to work with.
Oh well...I hope Brandon's doin okay without me. Apparently they didn't put him in data entry. N they put him in "listing" whatever that is. That means he starts an hour earlier than me, n I get off an hour later than him. So we'll have to figure something out with that. I'll deff have to get up earlier than expected to get a ride with him. So maybe he can wait around an hour for me to get that done. N hour isn't that long any ways. He can read his D&D Book some more. ;o)
P.S. I'm annoyed with my Dad. I don't even want to talk to him. He thinks that I'm so much of a piece of shit loser or something that I'd intentionally miss my first day of work...What the Hell is up with that? He's stupid. He should be supportive of me n one'a those parents that LISTENS when I talk to him in the 1st place n told him that I was understanding that I started on the 17th. Cuz he could've totally told Brandon that that's the impression I was under, n that I was at church...Etc. Instead of going well wtf Liz is stupid, n she's getting the fuck outta my house, n she's not getting money for work clothes. Come on...Am I really that bad of a stupid ass piece of shit?
September 8th 2006 - 12:08pm I'm lonely. I feel like I don't really have friends. I feel like I'm always alone. I haven't really talked to Yoshii in a few days. It feels like I'm losing him. I haven't talked to anyone on the phone in forever. I rarely get online, cuz I just don't feel like it I guess. I hardly ever get on AIM. I thought I'd always have a best friend, at least one. That I could chill with everyday. It was always Catherine till we graduated, she moved to FL. Then it was Kim when I lived in Clifton. It was Adam when I lived in Kentucky. Then it was Kimmy when I had to come back here to my Dad's...Now it's...NO ONE. No one would want to chill with me everyday any ways. Most likely at least. So I just sit here n watch Dawson's Creek or 7th Heaven. Sometimes cartoons when those two aren't on. I almost cried watching Dawson's Creek last night. I'm lame. I text Kim a lot. N sometimes Lynz. But it's not the same...I dunno. I wish I had a ferret. Lame. The only thing that really makes me happy is fuckin kandi. Making bracelets and organizing my beads like a retard. I just bought a ton more beads. Lol. Still haven't spent all the money I won from my Dad, what a surprise that it. But now it's basically all gone. Dammit, I suck. Bad.
P.S. No there isn't ANYONE in this fuckin stupid ass neighborhood that's worth hanging out with. N there isn't ONE kandi kid. Well, there is. It's me. . .HELP!
August 28th 2006 - 1:31pm I've been calling everyday bugging the people at Today's Staffing. Haha. I was starting to get a lil aggravated. Cuz last time I worked for them my fingerprints came back in 6 days. This time, haha it took like 19 days. That's a long ass time when you're waiting for a job. Lol.
So the start date is September 15th. Brandon n I both are starting same time, same date. I had them put him n I together for everything. He's gonna be my ride to work n back. We gotta be there at 7:15am. Usually gotta fill out a few papers, take a picture for your ID key card thingie-ma-bob.
The lady that I talked to said she's going to check my file to see if the copy of my birth certificate and social security card are still in there. IF NOT I have to go get those, AGAIN...So they can have those. Ugh. If my Dad wouldn't try to hold onto things for me, THEN LOSE THEM or throw them away...Blah. A birth certificate alone costs $35. Im'a ask my Dad asap n see if he by any chance has them though...Save me a lot of time any money.
Other than that. I need to buy like 2-3 pairs of pants that fit the dress code part of pants. Also a lock to put on the locker I'll be using...Probably a new lunchbox. I dunno where my cool ass Avril Lavigne one went. :o/ N some lunchables or something. There isn't really anything around here I can put in a packed lunch. Walmart and Dollar General here I come! Lol.
I hope this job n everything all works out...At least for 2 - 3 months until I get married...That's all I need. Then I can be married n off to Virginia. Gaaaa, everything is getting closer to happening. It's awesome.
