| He's found me! I want to scream. No. I want to stop. Stop running. Give up. I'm so tired of this. I'm trying hard not to think Leia. She cried so hard at my 'funeral'. I'm too much of a danger to her now. My sweet girl. I saw her last only a couple of hours ago. I hate the minutes that tick cruelly by, widening the gap between us forever. I don't want to sleep. Then it'll be a day, then two..... Time. My old enemy. I had so little time with him! My son. I had so much strife during my pregnancy, but I didn't want it to end. I had my babies near me, could feel them inside of me, and Anak...... I pick up a vase and throw it hard against the wall. I'm so angry! I scream at the empty room. "It's your fault, you liar!! You lied! You were supposed to protect me! You were supposed to protect this family, not tear it apart!!! Oh God! I hate you!! I'm glad you were hurt! You never be hurt enough! I gave you everything, you damned ingrate! It wasn't enough! Bastard! I hate you!! Ani!!" After I collapse on the bed from sheer exhaustion, I realize the door's chime has been ringing. I look at the puddle on the floor under the impact site of the vase. There are broken flowers everywhere. I am ashamed. Putting me on this luxury cruiser was not cheap. These people are risking their lives so that I might live. And for what purpose? My children are gone. "Come in," I say. The room is trashed. Everything is broken. I wipe the hot tears from my face and and sit up on the sheetless bed. I feel so hopeless. An old Fallanasi woman enters and assesses the damage with a faint smile. She watches me a moment and then sits in the chair by the couch. "Mistress, you grieve much, yet now is not the time. You draw attention to yourself with such antics. You must not give into despair. It will rob you of your senses." Is she crazy? Despair? My babies gone, and my sister, and parents and friends, and eveything! She doesn't know what despair is! "Well, when then!?! I have nothing! Nothing! You don't know!" I know I'm not making any sense, but she is unphased. "I assure you I do." She looks at me with soft eyes and nods. "I had lost my whole family. I was young. Thirty-four. I thought my life was over. But time heals. I remarried, and moved on. So will you. It has only been four years since your ordeal started. In ten years, everything will be different." "HA! In ten years! I'll be near forty! Am I supposed to forget? My kids? My family?" "Yes, M'lady. They are gone. You rail against an impossible foe. You want to go back to the way things were. Please let go of that fantasy. Those you loved, they live inside you now. Your heart is their last resting place, if you cease, they will all cease with you! You must fight on for another day! Not today." The old woman rose passionately, her hand a fist. She walks right up to me looks fiercly into my eyes and whispers. "Today, you are new. You have no trace of Amidala, Naboo, Padme, and especially not Skywalker in you! You are Nashira. You have been reborn!!" The old woman wipes my tears, and then pats my head like a child and departs, with a warm smile. I throw myself down on the mattress and sob bitterly. After a long while, I sit up and my eye falls on the suitcase I have clung to for life itself these past few years. It's kind of ugly. Round and black. It was carried by my knight in shining, er, leather. It's Anakin's suitcase. It's filled with his clothes. When I have a particularly hard day, I open it, so I can smell him. I don't know why I torture myself like this. I smell him, and see his laughing blue eyes, and can almost feel his warm skin. No. It's something I can no longer do. I take the holos of him, of us, and put them in a small box. They will go to my children, if they are still alive, when they are fifty. I should be long gone by then. I go and kneel by the suitcase one more. I slowly, hesitantly, take off the snippet, smooth and warm, from neck. I lean down and take one last breath. I am surprised that my eyes are dry. I lay down the amulet that has brought me so much misfortune, nestled amongst the folds of his soft Jedi robe. Then after one last caress, I close the case, and lug it up. I walk out the door, down to the disposer. A tech does the honors as I watch my past, future, and former existance floats gracefully through space. At one with the stars forever. A silent song of loss, and of hope. I realize that Anakin was like a tidal wave on a lazy, unsuspecting beach in my life. He swept up with without warning. At first I loved it, adrift in sweet confusion, content to cling to only him. But he left me for dead, with nothing, barely even the will to survive. Somehow, I managed to tread water, foundering to the shore. The shore is near, I can feel it. I watch until the suitcase vanishes. It kept me afloat, an anchor to a life that is no more. Goodbye, my love. Good Riddance. I nearly skip down the corridors of the liner. It is a wonderful and luxurious ship, and it has been so long since I could simply walk freely. I stroll by a beauty parlor. Hmm, why not? I fairly dance into the shop. The girl behind the counter shows me right in. I ponder in the mirror a minute. Who do I want to be? Who is Nashira, I smile, as I watch the stylist dry his scissors. "What'll it be ma'am?" The portly Non-human asked. I had never seen his kind before. "It's Nashira. And it'll be a blunt-cut bob, white and straightened, and white eyebrows to match!" "Sexy!" I laugh. I feel good. This I could get used to. He goes to his work and I close my eyes with a sigh. It feels good to be reborn. ------------------------------------- The woman stands in front of the mirror in her quarters. Is this me? I ask myself. She is still beautiful. Her eyes luminous under the glowing white hair. She has on a very short skirt, good legs, and high heels. A pale pink blouse. Pearls. They exactly match her hair. She is the picture of wealth and sophistication. The snowy bangs catch her eyelashes and tickle. She feels like a woman again. I look like Leia's friend Winter, I muse. I turn and look at my back view. I'm ready. Now, husband, I leave you behind, and everything that came from you. Even our children. I have to. I deserve to live. It's time to dissapear. I sashay down the hall to the dining area. Several attractive men turn and look at me. I smile a little coyingly. It's going to be an intersting evening. |