Entry
598
Wednesday
(
Okay it’s official I am one of the
most pathetic people in the world. I
didn’t go to school today, although I somewhat wish I had. Right now I really need to get out of here because
I am having really bad problems with my parents. It is just one of those times when I need to
escape more than you can believe. I used
to have someone I could call and let me crash at their house, but it’s all changed
now. So now I need to really get out of
this house, and away from parents, and who to I have to call and ask….no
one. No escape, no nothing. Maybe I should just run away, only this time
not get caught. Every time I look around
my room I think of the one person who I held dear, not only is there a memory
everywhere I look, but something there that reminds me of him. And as always he just as everyone else has
abandoned me. Now I am sitting here
crying my eyes out, wanting to get out of this horrid place. Not a living being to help dry them, or to
take me away for the night. Gee, the way
I describe it, it sounds like I am asking for a prince charming. That’s not what I really want right now, just
a close friend. I thought I had that at
first with at least 3 different people, but I guess not anymore since I can’t
call them and ask the one favor I need practically more than anything at the
moment. I didn’t go to school today, yet
for whatever reason I wish I had. I
probably will tomorrow. Won’t that be
fun? I am trying really hard to act like
I am okay, and it couldn’t get better, but it seems utterly impossible because
I am continuously feeling myself being torn up inside causing me to be weaker
and even more pitiful. Right when I begin to think that there may be a tiny
piece of hope that things may actually be looking up for me they go downhill
completely, and once again all hope is lost.
My God, are things ever going to start to improve for me?? I am 15 and I have spent the past three days
in bed because of my being so sick. I
use to think what Sam and I had was something so strong, deep, and meaningful
that it was worth fighting for, and wasn’t anywhere near worth giving up
on. I think that may be one of the
reasons I am taking such a depressing fall right now because our love and
relationship was one of the main things I put my faith and my belief in, one of
the only things I honestly believed I could rely on and that would always be
there no matter how bad things got. Now
I have lost that and I don’t know which way to go, and the worst part of all is
I no longer know how to pick up the pieces and move on, or at least not by
myself. Nobody probably even noticed I
wasn’t at school today. The one thing
that seems to be so scary is what if I never find anyone else. I gotta get out of here!! Only now I am
seeing it isn’t just this house it is also this town. No one cares for me anymore and they wouldn’t
even miss me, so I might as well just leave.
Entry
599
Wednesday
(
Okay, well Sam called me and I just
got off the phone with him a few minutes ago.
I was hoping he would, but pushed the idea out of my head because I
never really expected him too. So
therefore when he actually did I was somewhat surprised. Why is it just talking
to him puts me in a good mood? I mean I
really don’t want to feel that way about him anymore, especially since he
already has someone that has taken my place.
I feel myself changing tremendously only problem is, I don’t know if it
is for the better or worse and I am afraid some of my friends won’t accept me
as this new person I am becoming. My
main goal is to get my life back together and try to figure out what I want to
accomplish. Sam was the only person who
called to see where I was today, but I guess that’s good considering I never
really expected him to call in the first place.
Believe it or not I am actually looking forward to going to school
tomorrow. I am pretty positive my Mom
doesn’t really want me to, though. Yet I
don’t want to lie around all day doing absolutely nothing. I am still a little sick, but very weak, only
I think I will be able to handle it, at least I hope so. I guess it’s good to know Sam was
concerned. You know for some reason I am
becoming suspicious of my Mom because lately she seems to be knowing
things. Things I only write in here. Like with Sam, she asked if it was Jason, and
why would she say that when I haven’t even mentioned Jason around her in who
know how long? That’s not the only
thing; when I had just gotten off the phone with Sam, she came in here for a
second time and said something along the lines of, “I’m surprised he wasn’t
talking to his new girlfriend.” Then she
went on to ask if he had one, and I just shrugged my shoulders. Once again, I haven’t even said Sam’s name
around her since around the time I found out he had a girlfriend, therefore I
know for a fact I haven’t and more than likely wouldn’t tell her about
that. Just too many coincidences which
cause me not to take them as that. Only
I know she couldn’t of read in this within the past two days since I have been
in here majority of that time. My only
solution seems to be to keep you with me 24/7 until I figure something else
out, or until I find out whether she’s been reading this or not. My only problem now is making sure no one at
school gets their hands on this considering all that’s in here some of my
personal and inner thoughts. Hey no big
deal, right?? Yeh, I wish. I will just have to be careful. I did find out I have 3rd, period
with Sam which also means I have lunch with him. Of course, perfect…right when we break up we
finally get a class together, how ironic.
I am kind of baffled why I am so full sarcasm, which sometimes has anger
behind it, but most of the time it just seems to come naturally. I know being a smart ass has been a common
thing for me every now and then, but now I am just much more cynical for
whatever reason. Right now I’m just
hoping I’ll be okay.
Entry
600
Thursday
Oh my God!! I can’t believe this, I think I have a crush
on Max. Of all people him!! I can’t believe myself anymore. It is just nearly every time I see him I find
myself staring at him a lot, he’s such a pervert sometimes, but that’s normal
for me to like guys like that. No matter
how hard I try to force myself to not steal a glance his way, I always end up
doing it. I realize he has a lot of
qualities that I wouldn’t be able to handle, but he has many nice ones
too. He seems to be looking toward me
and at me a lot also. I just don’t think
there’s enough potential there for a relationship, just because of how complex
we are compared to each other. I
honestly don’t see there being much “Chemistry”. Besides it’s just a little crush, I will
eventually get over it. Well, I doubt my
life is actually starting to turn up.
Everything seems to of gotten worse since I have been at school. I feel so sick and personally all I want to
do at the moment is melt in my sorrow and cry while curled up in a corner. Actually I’m not really sure I like Max. You know I thought having a class with Sam
would be good, especially since it’s the one we have lunch in. Now I see it’s not good at all because I get
to sit there and watch him flirt with Leann and hear him talk about his
girlfriend, Julie. Nobody wants me
anymore. I thought I was over most of
the pain from my broken heart and had put it behind me, but as soon as I saw
him it all came back. The pain is just
so much and highly overbearing that all I want is to disappear into another
world and forget it all. I want someone
to pick me up in their arms and hold me until all the pain and tears go
away. The main thing I need right now is
someone to hold me just be there and listen to me while I cry it all away. I am so miserable and I don’t know why. I just really need some comfort in my life
right now. My Mom just started screaming
at me telling me how selfish and inconsiderate I am. I don’t know why. My dad is a lot worse by doing certain things
I don’t even want to get into right now.
School just bought another huge stress in my life. I hate all my classes pretty much. I don’t want to go back there, but I don’t
want to be here either, but I don’t really want to be alone. I need someone I can call right now. I just really need to hear some comforting
words and just have a shoulder to cry on at the moment. I don’t wanna be miserable or cry anymore,
the pain just hurts so bad it scares me!
Entry
601
Friday
Okay how stupid and vulnerable can I
let myself get?? Every time I start to
think, “Hey I may actually be happy today,” I somehow am always wrong. I feel so sick and my head is about to split
open. Sam tends to ignore and cut me off
every time I attempt to start a conversation, even if it’s not in particularly
with him. That is one of the things that
is slowly making me hate and dread lunch and 3rd period. I don’t know why he does that, he may not
even realize it, but I wish he’d stop. I
have a really bad headache and I just want to disappear from the world at the
moment. I was in a good mood, but now I
am full of anger and more or less I hate myself, and life, but no surprise
there, huh? I cried for so long last
night over him again. I don’t know why I
can’t just forget. He obviously already
has considering every day at lunch he talks about Julia and flirts with Leann,
or at least applies all his attention to her.
Then hear him sit there and talk about what he was doing with her and
Julia this weekend. Yes, Sam that makes
me feel wonderful something I always look forward to hearing about. Especially since majority of the time he
mentions her name or whatever it brings tears to my eyes just because it still
hurts so bad. I had a very spiritual
moment today though. Like in Spanish our
teacher had us try this meditating thing.
Like we started out with our eyes closed and in our minds standing in
front of a mountain and we walk around and there is a cave. I entered the cave and as I walk through it
the colors change and there are pebbles on the floor and each one holds a
special memory. The things is, at about
this point I was somewhat hypnotized. It
felt so strange. I continue to walk
through the cave and while it’s blue I feel a breeze and hear water running I
follow the breeze and the sound. Then it
turns purple and I am at the end of the cave standing in front of a small
waterfall. I take a cup that’s white and
smooth and get some water and rest for awhile.
Then I start to head out and I come to the yellow part where I can hear
the birds outside faintly hear the breeze rustle the leaves in the trees and
feel the breeze across my face. In this
yellow spot I pick up the pebble that has my most happy moment. That moment was the last time I was with Sam,
nearly two months ago. Not only did it
make me happy and feel much comfort, but for some reason it was like al the
heartbreak and pain just hit me for the first time. And the tears couldn’t help but rush
out. But whenever I need to get away I
can go back to the yellow where I haven’t completely left, but maybe about
halfway. I mean normally I wouldn’t let
it get to me, but that was my subconscious talking. The teacher said, “Put the pebble in your
pocket and keep it with you, carry it around with you. Now whenever you need comfort, you can look
back on this moment because no one can ever take that memory away from
you.” It just brought back so much, a
lot of things I forgot I had. I’ve never
had an experience like that before. I
didn’t even realize it was possible for me.
I don’t know how I really feel right now. The teacher said that we would do that same
thing occasionally. I think I would like
that a lot. It was highly amazing
though. I do have much more pain to deal
with now since it brought back a lot I guess I thought I had buried and put it
all aside. I know I will definitely try
that again, possibly on my own. My teacher
said she could tell I had something going on that was causing a lot of pain
just by the way my face was looking. At
least now I have found another way to escape.
This time some good might actually come out of it. I think now I have finally found a way to
find myself again.
Entry
602
Sunday
(
I am on a complete emotional
rollercoaster. We’re in the middle of a
tornado watch or warning or whatever. I
am really not that concerned about it though.
Only because they say that kind of stuff all the time and majority of
the time nothing ever happens. Today I
slept until