Entry 593

Thursday (2:40 PM)

12-30-99

            Once again I feel sick.  My head is spinning, my stomach hurts, and I feel like I could throw up at any time now.  Last night I went to sleep at like 5:30 in the morning.  I woke up at like 2 this afternoon.  It’s like when I lay down to go to sleep at night, I can’t and it is so hard to get comfortable.  Then once I finally do get to sleep I don’t want to get up.  When I woke up this afternoon I just wanted to lay in bed all day, I felt like I didn’t have the energy or strength to get up and go through the day.  Of course, I feel like that everyday here lately, I just want to sleep all day long.  A lot of the time I had to force myself to get up and get going, like today.  All I was doing was picking some clothes out to wear from my drawers and I had to sit down on the floor because I literally felt too  weak to stand up.  I am burning up, I shouldn’t be hot considering how cold natured I am and the fact I have my fan on.  I don’t even care how I look anymore; lately if I am going somewhere I just throw something on.  Amy was supposed to call me around 2:30 so we can go do something together in order to exchange our Christmas gifts.  That’s really the only reason I got up.  Even after taking a shower I still just want to lay back down and go to sleep.  Sam told me yesterday that at this rate one of these days I am going to go to sleep and not wake back up.  Right now I have no reason to believe him, because that just can’t happen randomly.  I really don’t know if I want to live anymore anyways, but I don’t know if I want to die either.  Of course in the year 2000 it is supposedly going to be the end of the world so we will probably all die anyways.  Sorry that is just more of my sarcasm, obviously I’m not a religious Baptist freak as I once was and don’t believe that half the stuff in the bible is so contradictory anyways…oh never mind don’t wanna get started.  I am hungry and I know I should eat, but for whatever reason I just really don’t want to.  Well Amy just called so we will probably be going to the mall and the movies I guess, I’ll tell ya about it later.

 

Entry 594

Friday (4:27 PM)

12-31-99

            I guess right now, my dog Tizzy is the only thing that is keeping me sane (how pathetic does that sound?).  Yesterday Amy and I went to the movies and saw “Bicentennial Man”.  Then we went to the mall, and got something to eat.  I had not eaten all day and it was already 8:30, so I got a grilled chicken sandwich and a coke.  I took like 2 or 3 bites of the sandwich and felt full.  I tried to force myself to eat some more, but I couldn’t.  Normally I wouldn’t be so concerned, but considering I didn’t eat all day, it kind of scares me really bad.  It scares me a whole lot actually.  I still feel sick and my head refused to stop hurting.  Last night when I got home I laid down for awhile, then around 1 in the morning, I decided to sneak out and go for a walk.  I didn’t last, but less than 15 minutes, I just wanted to just get out and be solely alone, but it just didn’t work out.  I wanted to try and figure things out and do some thinking.  Whenever I came back home I went to sleep almost immediately.  I woke up and I felt awful, I lost the battle between me and this depression.  I tried to win but I have no effort left.  I am now beginning to wither away.  This thing has eaten me up, slowly but surely I feel myself dying inside and outside.  I feel like I am screaming I want my life back, screaming at the top of my lungs, “I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!” Can you hear me world??  Of course you can’t because you haven’t for the past week.  I am so mad at myself for letting this feeling of worthlessness take over me.  It’s all my fault, everything is, always has been and always will be, I am dying, I can feel it, and I didn’t realize it until it’s too late because now there is nothing I can do to stop it.  I’m just too weak and pathetic to fight back anymore .  I have fallen completely, some people did try to pick me back up again, especially Sam, but I guess none of them succeeded.  I probably deserve all of this.  More than likely I deserve to die.  I guess I was never really meant to grow up, be a psychiatrist or psychologist, whichever and a writer and have a family.  I do somewhat have an idea of what is wrong with me.  Yet I am still scared, actually I am terrified.  Once again I have come out failing and a loser.  I lost it all and now it is out of control.  I don’t know if I will ever stop being sick.  That’s one of the reasons I don’t eat that much anymore because I am afraid that once I do, I will end up throwing up.  Right now I feel like I won’t ever find anyone else to love.  Maybe I am just not meant too in the first place.  Well, I have the blonde hair down pat, now I that I am starting to get the airhead part at least, and at the rate I am going pretty soon I will have the all bones and no skin part down.  Then I’ll be blonde and itty bitty and an airhead, just may perfect ideal chick right??  Just may not make it to that point…  These days when I look in the mirror I don’t even recognize myself.  It’s like my face is so pale, I hardly have any color.  My eyes look like they have black circles around them.  My size 10 jeans which used to be a perfect fit fall off of me, I don’t know…  There just doesn’t seem to be anyone out there.  I honestly thought there was someone who could help me…I just want so bad to tell this to someone, but I am just so afraid they will call me crazy.  There’s not anyone I could tell this to, that wouldn’t threaten to lock me up in a psychiatric ward.  Maybe I am crazy and sick.  I am supposed to go to church tonight, first time I have been there in months.  It’s for a New Year’s Eve party.  I can’t help, but think about this time last year when Sam and I spent New Years together.  I am more than mad at myself for not getting over him.  Even he has begun telling me I need too.  No one understands that I am trying do they not see it??  I try to be happy, do my best, get over him, but in every way I fail.  I guess I am used to it all.  Last night I called Jason one of my ex boyfriends who I haven’t talked to in a year.  I told him I wanted to have sex.  I mean after being with Sam I thought we would eventually have sex, since we were in love and all.  Then once we split up I guess it somewhat changed my perspective.  What’s the point wasting your time being in love, and not having it really result in anything in the end but pain??  So I just figured since Jay and I had always had a natural physical attraction…why not?  We both know a relationship between us as has been proven in the past because of our personality clash, wouldn’t work.  Therefore, what would be the point in holding out when we could just have a sexual relationship with no emotional attachment, resulting in no pain.  I always wanted my first time to be lovemaking, and with Sam, but there is about a 99.99% chance that that will no longer happen and with the way my life is going at the moment it doesn’t really seem to matter all that much.  Now I have come to see that in sex there are two different types of firsts one is lovemaking, and the other is just sex.  I am pretty sure I am in no condition to do this and will more than likely regret it, but Jason doesn’t know that.  I plan on keeping this all a secret and not telling anyone, not even Amy or Helen, even though they are my two best friends.  This is probably just some rebound fling thing, I don’t know.  Maybe it’s from jealousy, of every time I think of Sam and his girlfriend.  I find myself wondering if a lot of the time they do the same things we used to do.  If he touches her in the same way he did me, of course that just makes me feel even more sick when I think about it.  If I had shut and just quit insisting for him to tell me, then I would have never of known.  Personally, I think it is just a rebound relationship.  He told me himself he knows he could never love her and it is probably something that won’t last more than a month and a half.  It’s really none of my business.  I always tend to insist on knowing things that end up hurting me, especially when it comes to him and unfortunately in that area it usually ends up hurting me the most.  I have been looking around the internet lately, and for whatever reason the Wicca religion has begun to catch my interest.  In other words witchcraft has become more inviting to me.  I cam across a spell to do that is supposed to help you get over someone.  I am beginning to think I should give it a try.  I have done five already, three worked, one didn’t, and the other one takes a certain amount of time to work.  Two were love spells, one a dream spell, one a seduction spell (which didn’t work), one another love spell, but it takes two months to work and it has only been close to one month.  I don’t know though I am not even sure of what I should put my faith in anymore.  I don’t think that’s good considering my current status.  I do want to figure out who I am, and reconstruct many of my opinions and beliefs.  I knew this was going to happen if I am going to continue to live I am going to put it bluntly, I am just going to be a sarcastic, cynical bitch.  It just makes many people begin to dislike me, and me becoming numb and ignoring my pain and problems.  I guess the more I die physically or fall apart, the more I let the real me disappear and slowly turn into someone I don’t even want to know.  I would try to fight back, but I don’t want to anymore, since so many others have given up on me.  The usual result of this is for me to give up and become someone who is finally letting all the anger and hate that I have been storing inside me almost about to explode, out and so I am.  Maybe if someone was really here for me, and meant not just using it as an expression, it would be different.  I mean come on who is here for me to talk to right now??  Who can I call on New Year’s Eve and ask to set aside an hour to talk to a troubled friend even if I hardly talk, but just be there??  The answer; No One!  That reason right there is why I feel lost and even more why I feel very alone.  Many people tell me they’re here for me, but I think they just say that out of habit.  Yesterday when I went with Amy, I don’t why but I felt very uncomfortable and nervous, especially at the mall.  The whole time I tried and practically forced myself to smile and laugh, but it didn’t work.  There I was with my best friend in the world and I couldn’t even laugh.  That once again scares me.  I covered it up as always because Amy didn’t seem to realize anything was really wrong.  I guess that is a good thing.  I guess I must have had a lot to say and on my mind today seeing how much I wrote…sorry didn’t realize it.

 

Entry 595

Sunday (6 PM)

1-2-00

            It’s the year 2000 alright, woo hoo!!  Not really, personally I could care less what year it is because everything’s always going to be the same especially me being alone.  Why can’t I get over him??  I know we’re over, I know he doesn’t love me anymore!  I guess I am just some psycho maniac.  I guess I had fun on New Years.  I stayed at church until like 2 in the morning, then I went home with Diane and spent the night, or morning at her house.  We didn’t get to sleep until like 4 though.  At least one good thing has happened in my life lately.  My Mom called some place and made an appointment to go and get counseling for her problem.  At least one of the biggest problems for me are starting to be fixed.  I am still heartbroken, depressed, and sick.  I am so tired of people seeing me as this little insignificant annoying person, and the only reason they put up with me is not because they want to, but because they have to. Believe it or not I am beginning to think that’s how a lot of people that know me see me, including Sam.  It’s like they see me as this little kid, who they have to watch what they say around me because I may get hurt or offended.  I hate that!  I just wish for once people would see me as a 15 year old intellectual woman, not a little girl.  I am beginning to think I should give Jason another call.  I mean there’s no one here really to talk me out of it, or that even cares if I have sex in the first place.  I used to think there was, but there’s not.  I still have one huge decision left to make.  I told Amy that once this whole problem gets fixed, referring toward my Mom, I would tell/explain it all to her.  Well, it’s not necessarily fixed, but more than likely and hopefully it is in the process of getting there.  So now I don’t know if I should let her know or not.  I would ask someone about all this, but it just seems even when I do try to talk to people they don’t listen, they may hear me but it just goes through one ear and out the other.  I dunno alcohol and cigarettes seem to efficient of keeping me satisfied for the moment.  No one even really knows about that either, I mostly drink vodka mixed with orange juice (a screwdriver), occasionally wine.  I don’t smoke as much as I drink.  Actually I am beginning to have a craving for some about now.  I wish I could figure things out, but I just can’t seem to do it on my own.  Am I just that out there, so screwed because I have no one to rely on??  At one time I actually thought I was independent but in no way is that true.  Not only is my depression eating me up now, but so is the world.  Why can’t I just for once in my life be something I thought I was.  But of course, as usual I let myself and every one else down.  I’m tired of being me, of people always expecting certain things out of me.  I need a change in life I just don’t know what, but I think I already have an idea in my head.  The only problem I am not sure if I should go through with it or not.  I guess if I am not going to kill myself, then I will simply have to make a change.  If people don’t want to notice me, then I will make them notice me.  Maybe this is going to be extreme, but I just simply want to start the search of who Liz is.  Other than a depressed morbid little bitch as I think I have already mentioned.  This is the only thing or way I know how to ignore the rest of my problems and the world.  I guess doing the things I used to always be against helps me to try and act like I have no morals anymore, or beliefs for that matter.  Therefore, making me numb.  I guess if I never get over Sam, I will just learn to live with it.  But for now I think I should start this with a phone call to Jason.

 

Entry 596

Monday (10:21 PM)

1-3-00

            Okay last night I attempted suicide, obviously it didn’t work.  Put it this way I has about 5 or 6 glasses (not shot glasses) of vodka mixed with over half a big bottle of aspirins.  I threw up then I passed out and woke up around 8:30 then all day I basically slept and threw up.  Yet the greatest thing about all this is I have is I have gotten so sick and screwed up lately I haven’t even bothered to work on my honors English project, so therefore I will probably have to drop the course now.  Isn’t that just wonderful considering that since I was in the 6^th grade one of my main ambitions have been to become a writer and I figured that in taking this class would help me improve my grammar tremendously?  I guess since killing myself didn’t work this time, I’ll have to try again.  Just not with alcohol again because right now every time I even smell it now I puke.  I just really want to cut my wrist because I want to do it the quickest and less painful way possible.  I am thinking my next attempt will be one that I will make sure I won’t fail.  My Mom just thought I was sick, she didn’t know I had a hang over, and if she did I would be on restriction for an eternity.  Basically I haven’t had any food in my system that has actually stayed in the past 48 hours.  And from the way I am feeling right now I really don’t want anything in me.  I mean I feel like if I could just find someone who would listen, was there 24/7, understood me, but most importantly cared!!  Unfortunately for me there’s no one I can find like that at the moment.  It doesn’t have to be someone that I feel a certain way about, it doesn’t even have to be a guy just a friend.  Or if anyone does care they sure don’t seem to be showing or acting like it.  I feel so sheltered, like I am just now beginning to realize all the pain, betrayal, and lies that awaits me.  I am happy about my Mom deciding to call for counseling, but I just thought I would feel like this big huge relief was lifted off my back.  Only instead I find myself thinking she won’t go through with it and that problem will always be a part of my life.  Then again that’s also what this depression has done to me, made me always expect the worst out of everything in general.  And as always since no one is here to tell me any different I have no real reason to think it isn’t true.  I have no reason to think anything’s not true.  Maybe if I just become isolated and disappear from the world, it wouldn’t matter anymore.  It seems like everywhere I turn things are changing and they are usually toward the worst, I seem to be doing everything I can possibly think of to show people I am crying out for help.  Yet I have tried for so long and done so many different things and still nobody has opened their eyes.  Now they’ve had their chance, I am tired of waiting because the more I do, the more I become a stranger to my own self.  Last night while I was drunk I was talking to Amy, and I ended up reading page after page out of here, my most private and intimate thoughts, or at least for the past month.  Everything else before that isn’t really that informative.  I guess since Sam and I broke up there’s just been a lot for me to get out, or maybe a little before that.  I have no idea if Amy’s mad at me right now.  She has called once today, but I couldn’t talk because I was too sick.  I don’t know, but I figure that right not she is either highly pissed off at me or really hurt.  Betty called me earlier also, I then called Sam basically just to tell him about my Mom, but as soon as I did I regretted it because he couldn’t talk long, but mainly because I spent most of the conversation putting my insides on the outside, or vomiting in other words.  I think I really didn’t hear much of what he said, but I think I got most of it.  I still really have no idea how I am going to get through with my English project.  I’m hungry and I want to eat something, but I am so afraid I will end up puking it up again.  I can say I won’t be eating any chili or drinking any vodka mixed with aspirins for awhile.  Considering I threw up the chili, that and everything else that has been in my system or stomach for the past 48 hours.  I doubt I will even be well enough on Wednesday to go back to school.  I think a hang over being combined with a major set back in me becoming completely well again.  Of course, none of my so-called “friends” seem to even give a crap about how sick I am, but that really shouldn’t even bother me anymore.  Yet I still let it in a big way.  Like I have mentioned so many times before I want someone to care.  I thought Sam did, but from the reaction I got today I didn’t really get that impression.  I still have feelings for him, but whether I still love him that way…I don’t know.  Everything’s just so out of control that it probably doesn’t even matter to anyone what happens to me. 

 

Entry 597

Wednesday (3:42 AM)

1-5-00

            Why is everything falling to pieces??  If I am not crying then I’m sick and vice versa.  I have been so used to always having someone there to encourage or at least help inspire me to get through life and to pursue my dreams.  Now there is absolutely not a soul who I have heard in the past month say one thing to make me feel better and not worse, or that will help me feel like I might actually survive.  Yes I have people telling me like it is and I am facing is reality, especially Sam.  Of course it doesn’t even help me feel any better.  I’m not asking for things to be candy coated for me, but just for a little encouragement like, “Hey you’ll get through this,” or I don’t know, but I think you get what I am trying to say.  I am just so tired of people seeing me a certain way, and expecting me to act that way and if I don’t then something’s wrong.  I feel like most people see me as this little girl, who is immature and narrow-minded.  Everyone expects me to do this or that, or they think I am supposed to do things just as they expect day in and day out.  I feel so insignificant as a person right now.  It seems as if there is not anyone who actually knows who I am.  It’s like the more time that drifts away the more dim my light becomes.  I am a teenager in high school.  Should I not be happy and having the time of my life right now??  If so, then why aren’t I??  I don’t understand what on Earth I did that was so terrible in order for me to have to pay the consequence of having this overwhelming sadness take over my life.  I can smile all I want on the outside, but I feel myself crumbling inside me and not a soul to care.  Isn’t life grand??